Five year taper not working out so well

No one respects me.
« on: January 03, 2016, 09:37:09 pm »


The year is now 2016 so I’ve been tapering for five long hellish and never ending years. Some days so bad where I have to live min by min. Some days were I reach out to people because I fear I’m going to lose it and kill myself. I’m almost done with my taper even though it sure does not look or feel like it to me. I have been awake for 6 days without one wink of sleep. I’ve had insomnia before and I’d get an hour here or there to just have that. I tried many ways to ease it as well This time .. Lord almighty. The best part is that no one seems to care that I’m on the edge and I’m going to lose it. My mom is very knowledgable about the withdrawal process. My father read the books. Hell- if you knew someone that was awake for 6 days without withdrawal wouldn’t you just understand because you know what tired feels like? I live in nyc so it’s never quit but I also live in my parents basement that has no sound barriers. I’m right under the bathroom which is in constant rotation to welcome the 5 other people living in my small house. Today is day 6 of no sleep. I’m seeing blue dots in front of my eyes and I feel so hot when I breath. I don’t know if I’m awake or asleep or where my body and soul are. I will try to go upstairs to be around other things and get food because my room can feel like a prison in purgatory. I talk to my mom to try to see about people just being more considerate and it’s like I’m asking for the impossible. My sister sleeps right across from me and she is 23 and lives the party life. She gets home whenever she feels like it. 3 or 4 or 12noon. I need an hour or more of breathing nightly before I sleep to lower my rage and then I hear her stomping (she does not walk she stomps) through the house. I can hear the break fronts with the dishes tremble and then the door opens and slams and opens and slams. Then her shoes come flying down the stairs and she jumps in bed and bumps the wall all night. My hearing is so good right now I can hear someone breathing 2 rooms away and I’m not exaggerating. So imagine how shot my nerves are! I lay there holding back my rage all night in anticipation to hear her come home and just when I think she is staying out all night and I drift off BANG! Not to mention most of the time she is drunk and when I have to go through her bedroom to use the bathroom I trip over her stuff and get overpowered by some nasty smells of alcohol or pot. The other day I was crying in my bedroom and praying and she heard the whole thing. There were times when people asked me not to cry because it was annoying them and they would yell down the stairs .. I CAN HEAR YOU! Or they would walk to my bedroom to close the door in my face or they would bang on the wall. No one was like hey maybe if I stopped being so inconsiderate she might not cry. But yeah I’m not getting respect. Today is my sisters 18th birthday. I spent all night praying to just get a moment of sleep and the moment I drift off my mom starts cleaning the house for my sisters birthday dinner. The whole week went by and there where days were I was awake upstairs and mentally in check but when I’m down in my bedroom trying to sleep that when everyone has to do it all. My dad has his garage attached to the house and the wall between is thin too. So I spent the better half of an hour listening to his old cars engine turn over and over while my room smelt like gasoline. My dogs will bark for hours on end and I can actually hear people use the bathroom. Anyone can with any range of hearing but I can hear them use the toilet directly over my head. The shower squeaks on and off and on and off and bars of soap and shampoo are dropped that sound like mini bombs going off. iPhone music is on shuffle .. The neighbors kid is well into her 4th hour of screaming her head off while they teach the other kid how to sing and keyboard and then I hear chanting .. Their religious chanting with bells and horns and whistles and tongue clicks. Car alarms and sirens and the traffic on the express way overpass. ….. I think God hates me. Like I’m being dragged through the ultimate test in how far a person can be pushed before snapping. I know in my heart my taper would have been over a very very long time ago if people just saw me and tried in their smallest ways to even do something like take their heels off the hardwood. But I’m not worth it. The part that really gets me is that through all this I’m the bad guy. I’m the miserable angry sick negative being that’s ruined and ruins everyone’s day. I’m the one that needs to smile more and be happy. My mom (parents) blames me for ruining my sisters past 16th birthday party. Does anyone want to know why things happened? Well first off I’m going through what I am. I’m having a fall out with my sisters who had been cruel. I had horrible pms that week. My sister had her 16 the birthday party and there was no one even there .. The day before as a joke or an accident (I’ll never know) my older sister put filthy pencil shavings in my drinking glass and I almost swallowed them. Then they laughed. They LAUGHED! They knew. The birthday girl too. So when the topic came up at her birthday dinner and the laughing started.. I lost my sh*t and I cried and cursed. Then weeks later my father was like so “you think when you sister thinks back at her birthday she’ll think of good memories?” .. “No because you ruined your sisters birthday, admit it […] you managed to ruin it” so me being so tired to my core of hearing it I go “yes dad I did and I’m sorry.” I’ve been to therapists. I’ve talked and talked and talked and wrote and did breathing and everything to try to help me. I tried to talk to them but it’s hard when you ask for someone to admit to their flaws because when I bring up anything to my parents I get to hear about all my past mistakes that I want to keep buried. I get to hear how I was a slob, a loser and how I did things (plus I was trashed from pills so my actions were influenced) I’m 31 and I’m not that person anymore. I don’t appreciate being rehashed into my past hell because no one wants to act like civilized humans trying to live along side one another. It’s so much easier to tell me what I did instead of try to understand. All I ask from you guys is if you’ll pray for me. I have started scratching a hole in my scalp from my nerves and my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my skull and hit the floor. I feel like my body is making its own natural red bull adrenaline drink every hour and I pray that I have the patience to hold on till my next cut. Besides all this I do love my family. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself or anyone else but the fear of losing control and having a seizure or stop breathing is very real for me now. Before Christmas I was in the hospital and on top of ulcerative colitis on top of withdrawal or top of pms they gave me a one time steroid shot. I just want to cry and be held. I want my dead grandmother to come over to me and pick me off my floor and to hold me and say “sweetie. Hold on it’s going to be ok. It’s going to be ok” God I miss her so much everyday. All you guys on this forum. To all if you in your own special hell I think of you all every night. You are my strength.

14 thoughts on “Five year taper not working out so well

  1. Reminds me of a made for TV movie like Sybil. Mental illness can drag a person in to such a terrifying and dark place. The above picture Mike selected is perfect!

    Sad, but she is the typical benzo buddie type. Online forums us exactly the wrong place for this poor soul to hang out at. The proof is the she has followed the the cults multi year micro taper protocol and has found her self spiraling deeper and deeper into a mental illness hell. Colin and his mods promote this sort of harmful nonsense and they should be ashamed!

  2. White knight, have you ever taken benzos? Why do you post on this blog? Everyone knows Mike59 created this hate site after Colin issued a lifetime ban on him at benzo buddies for being a troll. Benzo buddies has helped many people get off these horrific drugs and saved countless lives.

  3. Yes I have taken benzos. I have seen first hand what can happen to online benzo cult members. I had a good friend who took their own life after being brainwashed by the online benzo cult members into thinking that her doctor prescribed medicine was actually poison. She felt she had to taper at all costs, until she paid the ultimate price…….

    Mod, please be honest, if you are capable, and tell me if you really believe Mike has this site to get back at Colin for banning him or do you think the dozens of people who have killed them selves, or attempted to kill themselves after being brain washed by cults like BB might be part of the reason for this site? Think about what is really a more likely motivator for the creation of this site.

    You have been fed a steady diet of lies over there, surely you can start to see the truth of the matter, can’t you?

  4. White Knight, I honestly believe if Mike59 had never been banned, he would still be actively participating in the benzo withdrawal community trying to help people rather than tear them down. Now, he is on a mission to search the whole world wide web and destroy any benzo support forums he finds. This guy literally has no life. He is obsessed with Colin and Benzo Buddies. He is really mad because Colin has basically ignored him for the most part.

  5. I can assure you Mike is not interested in any friendship with or attention from Colin.
    Sorry but your logic is seriously flawed. If Mike really still wanted to be part of a cult that “helps” addicts w/d from benzos, he could do this to his hearts content. You really know this to be correct, right?

  6. No, you are wrong. He would have to try and sneak in using an alias and mask his IP. You need to think before you talk white knight. Mike59 can never again post there as himself. Colin has issued a lifetime ban.

  7. First off, there are still many benzo w/d sites to chose from for Mike to join, if he was so inclined.
    Mike could easily create his own such site.
    Sneaking into to Benzo Buddies and masking your IP is child’s play.
    Please try and understand, Mike does not want to rejoin the benzo cults, he wants to shut them down! He has deeply held convictions about this matter. Your cult’s attempts to trivialize Mike’s efforts and motivations do not make sense to any rational observer.

  8. Ask Colin how many people he has banned sometime. The number is large and includes every member who displayed honest, thought provoking ideas, and dared to say, in effect, that the “emperor has no clothes”

    You see this is the way it has been since the dawn of time, give a little runt some power, he is naturally insecure and looks to throw his weight around and crush all those with different view points. Colin has always been paranoid, seeing unreal conspiracies all around him. The cult leader type always needs sheep who will follow his irrational decrees with out question. There have been many people like Colin and none of them are good. The people who stand by and do nothing should be ashamed. Stand up to the little bastard and give him what for! No more buddy assisted suicides!

  9. No, you are absolutely wrong. He can never post as Mike59 ever again, period! This jerk is known all over the internet. Until Mike59 was banned, he was ok. After he was banned, he got pissed and went on a mission to destroy all the benzo withdrawal websites. I saw how he went berserk at when he was banned. Mike is just bitter, full of hatred, and has no life. Colin has saved more lives than from these deadly, addictive drugs than anyone I know. So what if a few Benzo Buddies members were driven to suicide by bad advice there? Mike59 will never shutdown our website. Quit trying to make up excuses for Mike59 white knight. I know the history, you do not. You are welcome. You do not have to thank me first for setting the record straight.

  10. Lol, yes Colin is a medical genius who saved many lives… ass! Colin should offer his life saving theories to Harvard medical school, I can assure you they would laugh him out of the building and call security!
    You can rest assured that I know more about the history of these benzo cults than you do.
    It is sad, but you really think Mike wishes he could post as mike59 on benzo buddies, don’t you? This is way off the mark. I am afraid your only hope might be professional deprogramming. Your brain washing has been very thourough, and complete. You would not know the truth if it bit you in the ass.
    I dare you to stay off benzo buddies for a month, I will bet you can not do it……

  11. Please enlighten us all White Knight about the history of these benzo cults. I am all ears. Fact is, you know very little and Mike59 has you brainwashed.

    We know Mike has accounts at Benzo Buddies but he will never post as Mike59 again.

  12. Mod
    For a little history, check out my post re grizzle.
    Why are you so hung up on what name Mike posts under at BB? What difference does that make? You think Mikes efforts are ego based? If so you have been badly misinformed.

    Could you expand on one of your previous comments in which you stated “so what if some members have been driven to suicide by bad advice from BB”

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