No one respects me. « on: January 03, 2016, 09:37:09 pm »
The year is now 2016 so I’ve been tapering for five long hellish and never ending years. Some days so bad where I have to live min by min. Some days were I reach out to people because I fear I’m going to lose it and kill myself. I’m almost done with my taper even though it sure does not look or feel like it to me. I have been awake for 6 days without one wink of sleep. I’ve had insomnia before and I’d get an hour here or there to just have that. I tried many ways to ease it as well This time .. Lord almighty. The best part is that no one seems to care that I’m on the edge and I’m going to lose it. My mom is very knowledgable about the withdrawal process. My father read the books. Hell- if you knew someone that was awake for 6 days without withdrawal wouldn’t you just understand because you know what tired feels like? I live in nyc so it’s never quit but I also live in my parents basement that has no sound barriers. I’m right under the bathroom which is in constant rotation to welcome the 5 other people living in my small house. Today is day 6 of no sleep. I’m seeing blue dots in front of my eyes and I feel so hot when I breath. I don’t know if I’m awake or asleep or where my body and soul are. I will try to go upstairs to be around other things and get food because my room can feel like a prison in purgatory. I talk to my mom to try to see about people just being more considerate and it’s like I’m asking for the impossible. My sister sleeps right across from me and she is 23 and lives the party life. She gets home whenever she feels like it. 3 or 4 or 12noon. I need an hour or more of breathing nightly before I sleep to lower my rage and then I hear her stomping (she does not walk she stomps) through the house. I can hear the break fronts with the dishes tremble and then the door opens and slams and opens and slams. Then her shoes come flying down the stairs and she jumps in bed and bumps the wall all night. My hearing is so good right now I can hear someone breathing 2 rooms away and I’m not exaggerating. So imagine how shot my nerves are! I lay there holding back my rage all night in anticipation to hear her come home and just when I think she is staying out all night and I drift off BANG! Not to mention most of the time she is drunk and when I have to go through her bedroom to use the bathroom I trip over her stuff and get overpowered by some nasty smells of alcohol or pot. The other day I was crying in my bedroom and praying and she heard the whole thing. There were times when people asked me not to cry because it was annoying them and they would yell down the stairs .. I CAN HEAR YOU! Or they would walk to my bedroom to close the door in my face or they would bang on the wall. No one was like hey maybe if I stopped being so inconsiderate she might not cry. But yeah I’m not getting respect. Today is my sisters 18th birthday. I spent all night praying to just get a moment of sleep and the moment I drift off my mom starts cleaning the house for my sisters birthday dinner. The whole week went by and there where days were I was awake upstairs and mentally in check but when I’m down in my bedroom trying to sleep that when everyone has to do it all. My dad has his garage attached to the house and the wall between is thin too. So I spent the better half of an hour listening to his old cars engine turn over and over while my room smelt like gasoline. My dogs will bark for hours on end and I can actually hear people use the bathroom. Anyone can with any range of hearing but I can hear them use the toilet directly over my head. The shower squeaks on and off and on and off and bars of soap and shampoo are dropped that sound like mini bombs going off. iPhone music is on shuffle .. The neighbors kid is well into her 4th hour of screaming her head off while they teach the other kid how to sing and keyboard and then I hear chanting .. Their religious chanting with bells and horns and whistles and tongue clicks. Car alarms and sirens and the traffic on the express way overpass. ….. I think God hates me. Like I’m being dragged through the ultimate test in how far a person can be pushed before snapping. I know in my heart my taper would have been over a very very long time ago if people just saw me and tried in their smallest ways to even do something like take their heels off the hardwood. But I’m not worth it. The part that really gets me is that through all this I’m the bad guy. I’m the miserable angry sick negative being that’s ruined and ruins everyone’s day. I’m the one that needs to smile more and be happy. My mom (parents) blames me for ruining my sisters past 16th birthday party. Does anyone want to know why things happened? Well first off I’m going through what I am. I’m having a fall out with my sisters who had been cruel. I had horrible pms that week. My sister had her 16 the birthday party and there was no one even there .. The day before as a joke or an accident (I’ll never know) my older sister put filthy pencil shavings in my drinking glass and I almost swallowed them. Then they laughed. They LAUGHED! They knew. The birthday girl too. So when the topic came up at her birthday dinner and the laughing started.. I lost my sh*t and I cried and cursed. Then weeks later my father was like so “you think when you sister thinks back at her birthday she’ll think of good memories?” .. “No because you ruined your sisters birthday, admit it […] you managed to ruin it” so me being so tired to my core of hearing it I go “yes dad I did and I’m sorry.” I’ve been to therapists. I’ve talked and talked and talked and wrote and did breathing and everything to try to help me. I tried to talk to them but it’s hard when you ask for someone to admit to their flaws because when I bring up anything to my parents I get to hear about all my past mistakes that I want to keep buried. I get to hear how I was a slob, a loser and how I did things (plus I was trashed from pills so my actions were influenced) I’m 31 and I’m not that person anymore. I don’t appreciate being rehashed into my past hell because no one wants to act like civilized humans trying to live along side one another. It’s so much easier to tell me what I did instead of try to understand. All I ask from you guys is if you’ll pray for me. I have started scratching a hole in my scalp from my nerves and my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my skull and hit the floor. I feel like my body is making its own natural red bull adrenaline drink every hour and I pray that I have the patience to hold on till my next cut. Besides all this I do love my family. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself or anyone else but the fear of losing control and having a seizure or stop breathing is very real for me now. Before Christmas I was in the hospital and on top of ulcerative colitis on top of withdrawal or top of pms they gave me a one time steroid shot. I just want to cry and be held. I want my dead grandmother to come over to me and pick me off my floor and to hold me and say “sweetie. Hold on it’s going to be ok. It’s going to be ok” God I miss her so much everyday. All you guys on this forum. To all if you in your own special hell I think of you all every night. You are my strength.