Ashton disciple, possessed by demons in black river of hell, wants to do taper all over again was so much fun

Terror is damaging my soul -- I need hope -- please, anyone --
« on: January 09, 2017, 11:48:01 pm »


I live in New York City. I’m so afraid of everything I just sit in this one spot in my apartment and shiver. I really feel like I’m losing my mind. I know this is withdrawal –– I am 22 days out from jump off a 4 month clnoazepam taper. I am 27 years old and I want to die.

I’m in shock at what my life has become. Every second is nausea at the pure SHOCK of all I have lost and how I have been reduced to this screaming pile of guts. I used to be an ambitious writer I find myself laughing while crying because I feel like I’m turning psychotic from the pain. Like I’m turning dark, cold. Something inside of me has just been broken. SO damaged. How could anyone ever be the same? I am tired of hearing myself complain. I am tired of meditation and yoga and small pleasures and psychiatrists and therapy. A part of me believes that withdrawal has just revealed that black river beneath the street, the true knowledge of life’s inherent misery that we all incessantly distract ourselves from.

It’s not the severity of withdrawal. It’s how it NEVER LETS UP. It is the day after day, week after week, month after month state of terror. My eyes look like these two wounds, now––and all my friends are scared of me. I’m losing my resolve. I feel possessed by evil. I never believed in all of these ridiculous forces before and now my thoughts are consumed by images of demons and hell. I am positive that I have gone mad. I am unrecognizable from just five months ago.


edit: title/content
« Last Edit: January 10, 2017, 12:43:03 am by [Buddie] »

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