Feeling like such a failure... « on: May 26, 2017, 09:48:48 pm »
Tonight my husband took me out to a local historical attraction. It was a pleasant evening. The weather had cooled off and I knew that walking would be good for me. I had asked him to take me out this evening for some air. Plus I was excited to be able to face what anxiety I’ve been having and work through it. Prove to myself I was safe. I had been feeling a bit jumpy and anxious all day but yesterday when we went out, I had quickly dealt with it and felt really decent.
Tonight all of a sudden the panic hit me hard. I told him as we were walking up the steps to the memorial I felt anxious. My breathing was funny and my heart of course was pounding. We sat for a while and I calmed down. We talked about it and took some pictures and even though I was anxious I was working through it. Off and on the anxiety just kept hitting me. As soon as I calmed down it was back.
Then we stopped to get sandwiches for dinner and while I waited in the car I started feeling awful. My head was hurting, my neck hurting…I swear to God I started feeling “withdrawal” symptoms but I know it was just my anxiety.
I thought I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to jump out of my skin! My pulse was normal but I just felt like my while body was vibrating with flight or fight you know?
I had .5mg of a Xanax in my pocket that I carry around FOREVER but I never take it. Like a safety thing. I know, stupid. I broke down and said screw it. I was so angry and just to wanted to feel better for once since starting this weaning…so I let it start dissolving (not a oral tab btw ) on my tongue. I could feel the saliva building up and taste it on my tongue, the xanax, and then I opened the door to the car and spit it out! I was so ashamed for being weak ya’ll. How could I do this??
I worry I sat myself back and I just feel like a big loser because I couldn’t handle the freaking anxiety and I wondered why I thought I could ever do this.
I am only coming up on three weeks and I read all of you doing so well and I’m like WHAT A FAILURE!!!
Thanks for listening.