Minutes away from facility for dementia, following 5day detox « on: October 18, 2019, 05:39:42 am »
Following a 6day detox, arrangements were made to transfer me from an inpatient psych facility to a long term care facility for dementia. Yes, that’s how severe my withdrawal symptoms were. I know you don’t just catch dementia in a week or two. Thank God, I had enough sense, knowledge of my rights, and just enough communication skills to request a 48 hour release. This psych hospital applied an alcohol detox protocol to a 25 year Rx=compliant dependence on benzodiazepines. A dependency that started with ativan and ending the last 15 years with Klonopin. For weeks now I’ve grown so weary that I’m now begun fighting SI daily, more specifically nightly. For 8 weeks I’ve followed a extreme self/care regime with no outside support, not for lack of pleading, but can’t find any resources. Self care consists of healthiest affordable diet (no processed foods, low to no sodium, sugar, caffeine, and saturated fats) plenty of fresh produce with magnesium and potassium […] foods, adequate hydration, sleep hygiene, CBT skills, yoga, deep breathing, 30-40 min walk as able, no medications except tylenol, and aspirin. I see no pattern of benefit or exacerbation with diet, OTC meds or lifestyle. So frustrated.
I was positive that the “protracted withdrawal” business was over-reported and I would recover within a few weeks. Bolstering my thinking was having successful gone through nasty opiate withdrawal years ago without PAWS, I was certain this would not be any worse…but it is bad. This is hell. Far worse. It’s as if Satin himself reaches up from Hell and pinches random parts of my body and brain, producing unpredictable,bizarre, but always painful or bizarre sensations to accompany a symphony of intense pain and prolonged insomnia.
Tonight, I’m scared. Not just the regular unrelenting anxiety, but thoughts that now seem rational, I can’t do this anymore. The pain, the lack of sleep. I’ve not had more than 1.5 hours sleep at any time for nearly 3 months. I am going out of my mind. And yet, I still have more clarity at times than I’ve had for many years. I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BENZO but I do want sleep, balance, and freedom from unrelenting spasms and nerve pain. I called every place I could think of and there is no help. Ironic, since the U of A and Banner Health just hosted a benzodiazapine awareness workshop in my town. Ironic because it was a Banner/UofA psych MD that referred me to the 5day inpatient detox. I’m livid when I find myself preparing to die, trying to post notes in explanations to things for my children. Certainly not with intention of self harm but what I believe to be inevitable. I don’t believe it is humanly possible to sustain this distress much longer. I’m having a good enough day today that I can actually type this intro. For that I’m grateful. I’m wearing thin on practicing gratitude and positive thoughts. I am human. I’m at my wits ends. Perhaps quite literally. Forgive the current cliche. I’m 66 with 2 adult children, both out of state and so unfamiliar with psych inpatient procedures and benzodiazapines specifically that they blame me for being so compliant with the docs, the Rx and the detox. They know the person I once was, and cannot imagine allowing such abuse. I understand their ignorance. Unless you’ve been through the inpatient process and know that the facility’s threat of an involutary commitment is most likely (and certainly, in my case) an empty one to elicit compliance and justify the maximim number of days to bill.
I will go anywhere for help and follow any sane, helpful advice. When you’ve gone inpatient and were harmed, where do you turn. Especially, when speech and balance is impaired. I can’t drive, I live upstairs and sometime balance is so bad, I cannot leave my apartment. Some days speech is so impaired, I can’t ask for help. I’ve had groceries delivered on days I can manage the logistics of ordering and receiving. Simple things have become monumental tasks. I contacted every support for mental healt. I’ve been to ER twice and was sadmitted the second time to the Neuro unit to rule out a stroke. Very expensive test ruled out a cardiac event. I won’t go again, as I’ve now read that there is nothing they can do. The offending staff at the shrink’s office did send a cop twice to make sure I was still alive. I was deeply offended. See if I’m still alive? That was it? I don’t want to just be alive. I’d like to go on living. Anyone that doesn’t see the difference shouldn’t be in the mental health business. Always so compliant and so forgiving…this time I’m so very angry. I try to convert this anger to energy to keep up this fight. I can’t do this alone and don’t know where or to whom to turn.
I’d rather be inspiring others than begging for help…but like everyone else…I need help. Btw, where are the @#$% lawyers? Who will pay for all those tests, the lost time. Rehab or as the hospital predicted, a long term care facility. Wow, all those mental health agencies competing for your insurance enrollment…disappear when I ask for help now. I rambled to exhaustion. Thx.
This is ridiculous! « on: September 01, 2019, 09:32:59 am »
“Here I am typing this on my phone as I lie on my bathroom floor, where I have found myself on numerous occasions over the past 12 months, pondering how the hell I can survive any longer.
I feel like I’ve reached the end this time, that I have no more left to give. My withdrawal has been no more or less brutal than anyone elses but my issues externally to this keep lining up and seem insurmountable at best. Perhaps it’s the benzo lies talking, perhaps not….who really knows what they’re thinking is rational or not in this situation?!
But right now everything feels too hard. Maybe this is a cry for help…knowing nothing and no-one can fix this though, essentially renders it useless. Errrrrrrmagod
I hope everyone whom finds themselves in a similar position right now finds the strength and courage to keep moving forward.
Love Peace and Taco Grease
TRIGGER WARNING.....ER Staff Abuse. TRIGGER WARNING « on: April 05, 2019, 11:07:46 pm »
I was reluctantly taken to the ER for extremely severe Benzo WD symptoms at the insistence of my family. The ER staff mocked me, laughing that I was screaming I couldn’t breathe. They also moved me to a room where they electrocuted me. NOT ECT. They electrocuted me something was taped to my left hand and a 4 pronged needle was in my skin. The waves of electricity went up my left arm, into my neck and into my brain. This happened repeatedly, I convulsed, and was unable to scream for help. I’m by no means making this up! I’m traumatized and scared that I’m forever damaged both physically and neurologically. It’s been hard enough going through Benzo WD. But, this makes any hope for me impossible.
Re: TRIGGER WARNING.....ER Staff Abuse. TRIGGER WARNING « Reply #5 on: April 06, 2019, 08:00:56 pm »
There is nothing in my records regarding what took place. I was in and out of consciousness. No one will openly admit to doing this. It’s criminal and what hopes I had of ever healing are gone.
Due to the severity of my situation I will be leaving BB.
« Last Edit: April 06, 2019, 09:53:55 pm by [Buddie] »
How to present to hospital to avoid being forced into psych ward/detox « on: February 02, 2019, 05:42:14 pm »
So my new PCP has screwed me. Gave me 30 day bridge and referred me to a psych for taper. Unfortunately the generic from the new pharmacy made me feel sick so we asked to switch to the old one. We brought back 20 days worth of medication to her office in good faith and she wrote a script for… 5. 5 days. On a friday. Same day we finally get ahold of the psych she referred us to – doesn’t even prescribe benzos.
My friend can give me a couple more days but basically I have a week to figure out what to do or be forced to go to a hospital. But the hospital is likely to just commit me/force me into a ward or detox. I feel screwed.
What can I do in this situation? Where should I try to go to find a prescriber to taper in such short notice (1 week)? If I have to go to the hospital for “rescue”, how do I get them to help me without forcing me into a ward or detox? I’m so scared and so alone.
I’m in Anne Arundel county Maryland, if someone can help me.
For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread. Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)
« Last Edit: February 03, 2019, 06:27:24 pm by [Buddie] »
I'm not religious but I now believe in hell. « on: August 22, 2018, 12:42:43 am »
Hello, I have been on 2mg of klonopin for almost two years. I have panic disorder and bipolar 1. I have been on countless meds over the years for my bipolar and nothing seems to help I keep finding myself in mania. I was prescribed klonopin for my panic disorder and major anxiety following a series of bad events that happened in 2016.
On July 31st in a manic episode, I (stupidly) went and got drunk, and found myself in a very dark place and long story short I tried to overdose on my klonopin. I woke up the next day in the Looney bin on a 72 hour hold where they wouldn’t give me any klonopins but didn’t have any problem giving me 1 mg ativan every 4 hours to treat early withdrawal. I am now on day 18 of a cold turkey and I can’t even describe the hell i am feeling.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2018, 01:29:27 am by [Buddie] »