Now I had a nightmare from hell « on: October 05, 2016, 05:49:52 am »
I went to my social workers appointment today after this 3 week struggle of horrid side effects from Valium to the point I have been bedridden most of those days, and she suggested that I should be admitted in their small phych ward. I really did not want to but agreed. And they allowed me to go home and get my cats taken care of and get some personal belongings. And I came back with my clothes and personal hygene stuff. They first took me to the ER in the loony room. They said they were told I was suicidal, at my social worker made it clear I was not. Imagine that. and did blood work and told me I had to put on this urine colored outfit while being taken up there. I absolutely refused. Told them that if they insist I put those on, then I will just refuse to be admitted. They agreed finally but had to put on this blue outfit. Then had to be put in a wheelchair and escorted by the VA police, of all things. God, talk about degrading.
Then when I got up there, they took away all my belongings from me and would not even let me have my cell phone to pay a bill and even would not give me a medical cylinder in order to take care of my colostomy. And everything was plastic or cardboard in the whole place. Plastic chairs and cardboard trash cans. Such a depressing place with patients that were like totally not like me. Like the movie, One flew over the cuckoos nest. After about a couple of hours I could not take it anymore and demanded that I want to go home. I volunteered to come up here and this is not helping me and I want to leave. They called the doctor. He finally came after about an hour and asked me if I wanted to hurt myself. I told him I never did to begin with, I thought, Idiot, once again.
Then the nurse came to me with a paper stating that I could leave but the paper said that I was leaving against medical advice. I was pissed and wrote my input on that same note stating that I volunteered to come up here so It should not say this and I said I was more medically healthy to be at home and that being there was a very unhealthy place for me to be in. (I really wanted to say you all are a bunch of fricken jerks that can stick that paper where the sun does not shine, with sandpaper wraped around it). I think you get my point.
I’m home now. And its so late, almost 11:30pm but I just wanted to get this written out to all of youcause I think just writing it makes me feel better. I see my doctor tomorrow at 3:30pm and I am going to tell him just to reinstate me back to Klonopin until by body adjusts and I feel mentally and physically ready to start my taper. Period. I don’t want to deal with any other B.S. So that was how my day went today. Fun Fun but really
About 150 people from across Massachusetts marched outside The Boston Globe on Monday to protest a Spotlight series on the dismantling of the state’s mental health system and the sometimes tragic consequences.
Waving placards and chanting slogans, protesters said that the multipart series — titled “The Desperate and the Dead” — has contributed to the impression that mental illness is often linked to violence
“Most mentally ill people are not violent people,” said Sarah Ahern, a 44-year-old woman from Greenfield who said she has suffered from posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and depression.
Twelve people were arrested on trespassing charges, police said. Globe security said the protesters sat down, blocked the front entrance, and refused to leave.
The Globe has published two installments of the ongoing series since June.
Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « on: July 24, 2016, 06:55:10 am »
Warning this is probably depressing or will be flagged so dont read if u cant handle a rant. Sorry. I was reading about someone on here in a similar situation but I didnt want to write all this as a reply becuz its probably not helpful to them. “Why are people so cruel” was the post.
That being said, my brother went off on me tonight. He never has before. It was scary he was cursing and to me it seemed like it came out of nowhere. My heart is broken. I could write him off as an asshole but my cousin launched a similar attack on me last week and I didn’t see it coming. I feel like people keep coming after me with their venom because they see I’m vulnerable. Is this naive? I’m so tired of taking the blame and not being supported in this family that even if I am doing something wrong I never want to talk to them again. My uncle and my dad (both alcoholics) have had a go at me for unrelated things. And I can never keep my cool, I get so pissed off. Tonight at dinner when my brother said that stuff he took off and i then threw my bowl of food on the table. I have so little self control with my anger anymore. In both cases with my brother and cousin it really seemed to me like they were over-reacting to my “attitude” – both took off as if I so horrible they couldnt stand me.I already feel like and idiot and awkward and have no confidence and now I get to be screamed at for existing. I dont know what is going on anymore half the time and I am livid how this is how I’m treated because I would never do that to them and have bent over backward for all of them. But if I make one mistake….I havent even talked to my brother lately and he went off after probably four minutes of my being there. I dont feel supportes at all. Even my mom who read a bunch of stuff from bb and ashton I think at least partly agrees with them. Both she and my cousin at the time of his outburst on our camping trip took off and went home early, stranding me their with no car.
I’ve been staying at my parents house instead of my apartment since my anxiety got so bad but now I want to get the hell out of here too. The problem is I left my apartment in the first place because my neighbor on the otherside of the wall was and is using the shared basement as his drug den, both doing and selling. (This was not my anxiety exaggerating, people have confirmed it.) Cops have been useless. So just yesterday Im thinking ok im strong enougb to go back to my apartment. My mom was picking up my mail and saw I had a neighbor living above me who had just moved in (it’s a four-plex house). I thougbt it might be good because at least I wouldnt be alone with the creepy druggy family. (Was feeling very unsafe). Anyway I ask her to look on the new person’s mailbox and find out the name – as I share a outside door and entry with this new person.
She comes home and I am not making this up…she’s written the name on some of my mail and it’s a f’ing exboyfriend from yrs ago! Not someone I want to see at all, smug, condescending and cocky in general. Now i dont even want to go back there because I will inevitably have to see him. Ugh! I got super anxious living their before from how the druggy was monitoring my comings and goings in timing with when he’d do his drug stuff. I think that would be anxiety provoking for someone not on benzos to know they’re being watched. everyone knows what you are doing since their is no sound insulation.
Ive looked for a place (moving isnt stessful, right?!) but nothing yet. At this point i wonder if i should just get dropped off and stay camping with my dog (our day alone together was the best) or do I have to look into some kind of safe housing an hr away for people in crisis. I havent even started a formal taper yet and there is all this extra bs going on. I just want to feel safe and be left alone (with my dog). There i vented. Now if anyone reada this they will agree with my brother that im negative. No, i just didnt want to talk about all this negative crap and they kept bringing it up even after i repeatedly asked them not to. Thats when he screamed at me that i was making everything about myself. Why because i dont want to have dinner conversations about icky stuff, one topic after another all of which are about my dog, my apartment, my ex… Seriously??? I am so alone in this world and I feel like a freak. What the hell am I supposed to do? Im carless in a rural area. I cant believe this is my life. I dont make things all about me – i feel horribly guilty for even venting on here because im worried someone will now think that. I cant even stand to think about these situations any more than i absolutely have to, let alone make people listen to it. Tired of being judged.
Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « Reply #1 on: July 25, 2016, 06:03:42 am »
No judgment here! That sounds like a legitimately difficult situation to deal with even without adding a benzo taper to the mix! It sounds like your family situation is less than healthy (same here, is anybody’s actually healthy? Lol). Is it possible you’d do better on your own at your apartment? You wouldn’t have to see this ex TOO often unless you decided to strike up a friendship, and maybe in the years that have passed, he has changed. He doesn’t have to know what you’re going through. Stick to small talk, “Oh wow, small world. How are you? Good? Me too. See you around!”
That sounds like an easier situation to deal with than the one at home, but you’re the one living through it so you’d know better than me! But try to remind yourself that no matter which you choose, it was YOUR decision (be empowered by that), and make the best of it. You deserve that. Don’t let others rain on your parade. Live your life and do what you have to do.
Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « Reply #2 on: July 25, 2016, 06:35:44 am »
There is no judgement here. We are all in this together and we all have family junk to deal with. I really don’t know what to say about your living situation, but would have to agree with […]. You have to live your life for yourself and be happy with who you are. Never mind what others have to say about your choices, they are just that, YOUR choices and they need to respect that.
Make a life for you and your dog, if that’s what you want. It sounds really good to me. You would have freedom and wouldn’t have to be in a negative atmosphere. Plus you would be able to calm down enough to get on with your taper. This site will be all the support you will need, it may even become your new family!
Good luck to you and I hope to see more of your postings.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2016, 10:01:41 pm by [Buddie] »
Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « Reply #3 on: July 25, 2016, 07:34:09 am »
I am reading “Codependent No More” and it is helping with a ton of stuff… Seeing as you mentioned alcoholism and an ex that’s an ass and some poor treatment in general I thought I’d throw that out there. It’s empowering, the book. Whether chemical or compulsive addictions are factors in those around you or not- I think it’s an important book for all kinds of reasons.
I also recommend ” Boundaries ” by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.
They have all kinds of books like ” Safe People ” and others that could help you navigate this sort of treachery.
You don’t sound negative at all to me… Also, Al-anon helps me, personally- I’ve had NPD spectrum individuals in my life, I think we all do. Definetely get wise about Narcissism, Sociopathy and such… If you aren’t self-educated in that area yet, please do some research. My eyes were opened wide- I had no idea until I had survived an over seven year relationship with a psychopath… And I am not exaggerating. It took a while to find the pieces of that puzzle and put them together- now I know, for life, what some people actually can be, at their core.
That’s not negativity or paranoia, that’s survival.
I also agree with […] and […]… And on this note I happen to have one last book to recommend – ” The Gift of Fear “
Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « Reply #4 on: July 25, 2016, 10:00:24 pm »
Thank you all. I really mean it. I will take everything you’ve said to heart. Right now I’m in crisis mode I just had a legit physical confrontation with my dad. My mom took off. I’m hiding in my room because I’m frozen. I have so much stuff to get to my house, and no energy. My dad is known for taking stuff so it makes me even more worried to leave anything which I know is nuts I shouldn’t worry about material things I just feel so insecure.
I just called my psych dr’s office but was told “that the computers are down”, what ever that means so I dont know if they’ll call me today.
I worried I’m going to end up in the psych ward and have to leave my dog. She is super attached separation anxiety puppy.
I know im not acting totally normal, really having a lot of rage but then I’ll feel like it’s justified because I think they all could be a lot more decent to me and stop making it about them.
They keep saying Im making everything about me but I havent even talked to my brother or dad other than that dinner so how can that be possible?
My memory really sucks maybe ive complained more to other people than ive realized.
I cant believe my mom, i am most disappointed i her, but she wasnt handling life very well when my dad’s alcoholism was the only problem.
Maybe I need to go to inpatient, ive never been this out of control, throwing shit because I can handle being screamed at.
I really hate that they make me question my sanity, because I know its not all true but then I dont know what is.
Its like my mom thinks because Im mad she didnt stick up for me and told my trouble-making uncle all this crap, well she always blames the medicine.
Im so self conscious because I dont know what Im doing wrong that ive even stopped talking to my only friend because I cant handle possible judgement and embarrassment of being crazy.
I think I was already a little ptsd before any of this and im worried i’ll never get the image of my dad come at me out of my head.
Ive wanted to get out of here but Ive been sleeping so much and i havent had the energy to go get groceries, put in my ac, etc. i cant even get into the damn bathroom to take a shower because someone is always in there. So i feel really bad about myself.
Now the only vehicle is gone again. When did my family turn to white trash. I almost think I was due to “lose it” after all that ive dealt with the last few yrs.
so here i am “making it about myself ” again. Sorry, im freaking suffering. I put off doing this taper because I could never count on stability. Now I have no choice and Im screwed. It feels like a nightmare I cant get out of. I told my dad he was a terrible father and i feel really bad about that.
I cant handle confrontation, this is the second time in a few days ive reacted by throwing and nreaking stuff. Is this from the withdrawl or am I just nuts?
I do feel like Im not completely understanding everything going on around me, like how people could have been so pissed to act that way in the first place if i was being super “negative”. If they think im really crazy then they think thats how they should act toward someone mentally ill? I cant say anything to get through to my mom. I did call both her and my brother out for some minor legit crappy behavior towards me (which normally i would put up with in order to avoid all hell breaking loose).
I dont think my relationships will ever come back from this. I just want to move away to another state with more sun like Ive planned to for years. I cant even get across town.
This no car thing is bs, im on disability but only getting ssi which is barely enough to cover rent.
I’d call a cab but i really need to shower and and i have too much stuff. My dad is here without my mom so he’d probably do God knows what to my room. I dont even care i just want peace and to be left alone, thats all ive been saying to them. Do i sound whiny, nuts, self absorbed? For real Im asking. I cant even tell.
I guess i am just really awful to be around, i dont know i feel like a sometimes im in more of a joking funny mood than anyone around me. But they ignore that.
My life was never like this growing up. I cant believe any of this. Im so upset.
Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « Reply #5 on: July 25, 2016, 10:11:17 pm »
Im really strong normally but I dont think I can make it through withdrawl. Im also super nervous this could get much worse in the next week when i start pms’ing…depression is always worse. Really cant hang on if its worse. This mood stuff has been worse than anything thing ive ever had before
She once had someone describe in detail to her how he had sex with a fly.
My mom used to do shifts in the psych ward at the hospital. She once had someone describe in detail to her how he had sex with a fly. Another injected vinegar in their eye with a syringe to kill the alien that was living there.
Plantar fasciitis « on: June 30, 2016, 07:30:38 am »
Ive always felt like it was kind of uncomfortable on my heel bones to walk on hard floors, but not so much that it was a problem. I ways felt like I had boney feet,and it was never like a sharp pain or radiating to the arch of my foot like they describe for plantar fasciitis. But now because of my muscle issues and nausea from withdrawal I spent over 2 months basically bedridden. Now when I walk on hard floors it hurts my heel bones more. If I press on that area it doesnt hurt at all, I’m wondering if I just am not used to walking on hard floors so they are more tender now? My heels have defintely got less callus on them now. It seems like with plantar fasciitis youd feel some pain in more than just the point where your heel bone hits the floor. Does anyone else have discomfort like this?
Re: Plantar fasciitis « Reply #1 on: June 30, 2016, 03:17:28 pm »
I went through plantar fascists in both feet. My foot doctor made a little support for me that helped (I think they’re available at pharmacies now), but it still took nearly a year for it to resolve entirely for the first foot. I didn’t want to go through that with the 2nd foot, and got a cortisone shot (along with wearing the support).
My foot doctor told me to never walk barefoot – to always give the arch some kind of support. He also advised soaking my foot in ice water a few times a day for 7-8 minutes (but not too long).
Re: Plantar fasciitis « Reply #2 on: July 02, 2016, 03:51:44 pm »
Agree with […]–your feet will heal, it just takes time. Get some really good supportive inner-soles. I like the kind that you heat and form to your feet, I got mine at REI. You will know when you find the right ones as your feet will feel better almost immediately. Wear these supports in all your shoes until your feet are healed, including around the house, the minute you get out of bed. I wear mine in my work boots all the time. Needless to say, heels are out of the question now.
Re: Plantar fasciitis « Reply #3 on: July 02, 2016, 06:56:29 pm »
Thanks guys. I got some better shoes yesterday so ill stop going barefoot in the house. When you have plantar fasciitis isnt it more like a shooting pain when you step down? I dont have that and my feet dont feel sore at all, it just feels uncomfortable and bony where my heel bone hits the floor. It was always kind of uncomfortable that way for me just not as much so im wondering if maybe after beins basically bedridden my feet are just not used to it anymore.
Re: Plantar fasciitis « Reply #4 on: July 03, 2016, 01:29:30 am »
Yes, plantar fasciitis is extremely painful, especially the first few steps. So it could very well be that you don’t have it. But providing more support for your feet is always the best thing to do if you are having foot issues, and I’m sure they will improve over time.
Re: Plantar fasciitis « Reply #5 on: July 03, 2016, 02:35:33 am »
Yeah, the first few steps are the most painful, then the pain eased for me. But it can slowly creep back during the course of the day especially if you’re on your feet a lot.
He would frequently bite his tongue and spit HIV-positive blood into their faces/mouths.
I’m not a psychologist but my friend is. She told me about a patient of hers who was HIV-positive and a paranoid schizophrenic. He thought that the nurses who worked at the hospital he was in were trying to kill him, so he would frequently bite his tongue and spit HIV-positive blood into their faces/mouths. When they had to come into contact with him, they were required to wear full masks and gloves.