Accidental addict’s journey from opiates to benzos to a psych ward to finally joining an online cult

Minutes away from facility for dementia, following 5day detox
« on: October 18, 2019, 05:39:42 am »

Iriswoman

Following a 6day detox, arrangements were made to transfer me from an inpatient psych facility to a long term care facility for dementia. Yes, that’s how severe my withdrawal symptoms were. I know you don’t just catch dementia in a week or two. Thank God, I had enough sense, knowledge of my rights, and just enough communication skills to request a 48 hour release. This psych hospital applied an alcohol detox protocol to a 25 year Rx=compliant dependence on benzodiazepines. A dependency that started with ativan and ending the last 15 years with Klonopin. For weeks now I’ve grown so weary that I’m now begun fighting SI daily, more specifically nightly. For 8 weeks I’ve followed a extreme self/care regime with no outside support, not for lack of pleading, but can’t find any resources. Self care consists of healthiest affordable diet (no processed foods, low to no sodium, sugar, caffeine, and saturated fats) plenty of fresh produce with magnesium and potassium […] foods, adequate hydration, sleep hygiene, CBT skills, yoga, deep breathing, 30-40 min walk as able, no medications except tylenol, and aspirin. I see no pattern of benefit or exacerbation with diet, OTC meds or lifestyle. So frustrated.

I was positive that the “protracted withdrawal” business was over-reported and I would recover within a few weeks. Bolstering my thinking was having successful gone through nasty opiate withdrawal years ago without PAWS, I was certain this would not be any worse…but it is bad. This is hell. Far worse. It’s as if Satin himself reaches up from Hell and pinches random parts of my body and brain, producing unpredictable,bizarre, but always painful or bizarre sensations to accompany a symphony of intense pain and prolonged insomnia.

Tonight, I’m scared. Not just the regular unrelenting anxiety, but thoughts that now seem rational, I can’t do this anymore. The pain, the lack of sleep. I’ve not had more than 1.5 hours sleep at any time for nearly 3 months. I am going out of my mind. And yet, I still have more clarity at times than I’ve had for many years. I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BENZO but I do want sleep, balance, and freedom from unrelenting spasms and nerve pain. I called every place I could think of and there is no help. Ironic, since the U of A and Banner Health just hosted a benzodiazapine awareness workshop in my town. Ironic because it was a Banner/UofA psych MD that referred me to the 5day inpatient detox. I’m livid when I find myself preparing to die, trying to post notes in explanations to things for my children. Certainly not with intention of self harm but what I believe to be inevitable. I don’t believe it is humanly possible to sustain this distress much longer. I’m having a good enough day today that I can actually type this intro. For that I’m grateful. I’m wearing thin on practicing gratitude and positive thoughts. I am human. I’m at my wits ends. Perhaps quite literally. Forgive the current cliche. I’m 66 with 2 adult children, both out of state and so unfamiliar with psych inpatient procedures and benzodiazapines specifically that they blame me for being so compliant with the docs, the Rx and the detox. They know the person I once was, and cannot imagine allowing such abuse. I understand their ignorance. Unless you’ve been through the inpatient process and know that the facility’s threat of an involutary commitment is most likely (and certainly, in my case) an empty one to elicit compliance and justify the maximim number of days to bill.

I will go anywhere for help and follow any sane, helpful advice. When you’ve gone inpatient and were harmed, where do you turn. Especially, when speech and balance is impaired. I can’t drive, I live upstairs and sometime balance is so bad, I cannot leave my apartment. Some days speech is so impaired, I can’t ask for help. I’ve had groceries delivered on days I can manage the logistics of ordering and receiving. Simple things have become monumental tasks. I contacted every support for mental healt. I’ve been to ER twice and was sadmitted the second time to the Neuro unit to rule out a stroke. Very expensive test ruled out a cardiac event. I won’t go again, as I’ve now read that there is nothing they can do. The offending staff at the shrink’s office did send a cop twice to make sure I was still alive. I was deeply offended. See if I’m still alive? That was it? I don’t want to just be alive. I’d like to go on living. Anyone that doesn’t see the difference shouldn’t be in the mental health business. Always so compliant and so forgiving…this time I’m so very angry. I try to convert this anger to energy to keep up this fight. I can’t do this alone and don’t know where or to whom to turn.

I’d rather be inspiring others than begging for help…but like everyone else…I need help. Btw, where are the @#$% lawyers? Who will pay for all those tests, the lost time. Rehab or as the hospital predicted, a long term care facility. Wow, all those mental health agencies competing for your insurance enrollment…disappear when I ask for help now. I rambled to exhaustion. Thx.

Super-rich drug abuser wants to cold turkey 50 zillion drugs

Biggest withdrawl ever on here.
« on: May 10, 2019, 02:04:05 am »

[Buddie]

CT Klonopin .5mg, Seroquel XR150mg, Cigarettes, and everthing. I going to restrict myself with no phone and on call support for meals, and I did pay for 2 years of bills today. And food for three months in deep freezer and eat to make meals. I’m prepared for the worst like my health anxiety, and best on normal ground to deal every day stuff. I only took drugs for sleep but sleep dep and sleep med side effects, WD and sleep anxiety cause al sort of s***! No normal human should indure. I have been off K before 3 weeks and moderate sx’s. My last WD.
I been through it all already. F-it.

P.S. I have been up in the past with insomnia for 22 days straight documented in med history. So what do you think is worst! Your stomach, or sweats, or a nightmare, I have had it all. So I”m burnout and say F_it!

P.S. I went through 16 meds for a month at a time each with dieffernt doasages, and highest recommended strengths for sleep this past 13 months. EX: Ambien CR 12.5 at 2 at bedtime. I have taken sleep meds to the max extreme also this last year. And it only prolonged the insomnia with side effects and wd from them also. To me a 12-pk of beer and a 1/8 mg of K is fine by me.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2019, 03:09:27 am by [Buddie] »

Re: Biggest withdrawl ever on here.
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2019, 02:18:03 am »

[Buddie]

TrenchMob,

I am worried about you. That is a lot to quit all at once.

Do you live with family or have family close by to double check on you?

Please be careful and stay safe.

Re: Biggest withdrawl ever on here.
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2019, 02:26:34 am »

[Buddie]

I too am worried. You do risk having to reinstate which may cause more issues in the future. Is there a reason you want to jump from such a high dose? I highly advise against it. I was on .5 milligrams of klonopin as well and cut it to 50% and it was very difficult. I then cut to .125 and i had to updose it was so bad. I know you have likely read your share of horror stories and I’m not trying to scare you. I just know what it feels like and you are at a pretty high dose to jump from. If you don’t have to, I wouldn’t.

Re: Biggest withdrawl ever on here.
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2019, 02:31:13 am »

[Buddie]

CTs are not the way to go. They aren’t safe despite what you hear on here from one person in particular but others as well. You’re creating a situation where you’re at a really high risk of losing your life when you CT not to mention psychosis that can complicate and screw up your mental health for life. It’s a fact that once you have one attempt or a psychotic episode you’re at higher risk of having them again throughout your life. Don’t do that to yourself. Do a rapid taper if you need to and get in person support to minimize those risks but a CT is just harming yourself. People are here to support you and there have been so many who’ve gone off the medication some of which didn’t make it but we’ve benefitted from their experiences and you can too.

Re: Biggest withdrawl ever on here.
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2019, 02:37:25 am »

[Buddie]

Well I can’t CT tonight, drinking hard for one normal night in a long time, But will not take meds tonight. Will wait with hungover 1-2 days. Than continue taper at Seroquel first than K. Yes, I do live with family and well off. Everything is paid for the house,cars, and everything else. $$$$$$$$$. But if need to i’m a hard ass extremist but I don’t to view that now since Benzos affected half of my life so far now with tolereance WD and now taper. F-it its a low dose CT now with 4 other CT’s.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2019, 02:44:30 am by [Buddie] »

Benzo Buddies tells mentally ill drug addict NOT to go to the psych ward

Re: Mom wants me to go to the psyche ward...
« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2019, 12:35:31 am »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on January 19, 2019, 07:19:22 pm
Hope you are holding up, […]. Things hit the fan here because all my cuts caught up with me in a really bad way, so I can definitely sympathize with what you are going through. I’m in a holding pattern because this has become too much to bear.

I hope you are doing ok. Sometimes life can be dealt with only 1 minute at a time.

I’ve also had an attempt in 2016, so I understand all too well. Stabilizing is the most important thing now. I am not tapering any further until these extreme thoughts subside a bit for me. It’s too much to bear for me at the moment, so that’s why I am holding.

Oh no! I hope you stabilize soon Lfree!!! It really is an awful feeling having those thoughts and I think the dp/Dr makes them somehow feel easier to accomplish (at least for me) like there were no consequences.
I had a bad day today, restarted an old drug for pain/ sleep and even though I was only off it for 2 weeks I think it’s hitting me hard. Migraine most of the day, just wanted to sleep and just felt unwell. But it’s also that ‘special’ monthly time AND I tried vaping CBD oil last night…so many things at play right now, we also had a snow storm (which flares my fibromyalgia)

Re: Mom wants me to go to the psyche ward...
« Reply #23 on: February 17, 2019, 04:58:09 pm »

[Buddie]

NO, don’t do inpatient, I did that twice and they poly drugged me to death. was so scary locked up with crazy people and an evil shrink. taper slow, u can do it

Re: Mom wants me to go to the psyche ward...
« Reply #24 on: February 20, 2019, 05:06:56 am »

[Buddie]

[…], I hope you’ve been able to avoid the psych ward. It’s the absolute worst place for anyone in psych drug withdrawal as the people there have no clue what is wrong with you and only heap on more poisonous drugs. I’m so sorry for your suffering. Stay home regardless of how bad it gets….that’s the safest place to be, unless you are truly and actually in the process of trying to take your own life.

Mentally ill cult member begs Benzo Buddies for ways to avoid being committed

How to present to hospital to avoid being forced into psych ward/detox
« on: February 02, 2019, 05:42:14 pm »

[Buddie]

So my new PCP has screwed me. Gave me 30 day bridge and referred me to a psych for taper. Unfortunately the generic from the new pharmacy made me feel sick so we asked to switch to the old one. We brought back 20 days worth of medication to her office in good faith and she wrote a script for… 5. 5 days. On a friday. Same day we finally get ahold of the psych she referred us to – doesn’t even prescribe benzos.

My friend can give me a couple more days but basically I have a week to figure out what to do or be forced to go to a hospital. But the hospital is likely to just commit me/force me into a ward or detox. I feel screwed.

What can I do in this situation? Where should I try to go to find a prescriber to taper in such short notice (1 week)? If I have to go to the hospital for “rescue”, how do I get them to help me without forcing me into a ward or detox? I’m so scared and so alone.

I’m in Anne Arundel county Maryland, if someone can help me.

For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread. Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)
« Last Edit: February 03, 2019, 06:27:24 pm by [Buddie] »

“I woke up in the loony bin”

I'm not religious but I now believe in hell.
« on: August 22, 2018, 12:42:43 am »

[Buddie]

Hello, I have been on 2mg of klonopin for almost two years. I have panic disorder and bipolar 1. I have been on countless meds over the years for my bipolar and nothing seems to help I keep finding myself in mania. I was prescribed klonopin for my panic disorder and major anxiety following a series of bad events that happened in 2016.
On July 31st in a manic episode, I (stupidly) went and got drunk, and found myself in a very dark place and long story short I tried to overdose on my klonopin. I woke up the next day in the Looney bin on a 72 hour hold where they wouldn’t give me any klonopins but didn’t have any problem giving me 1 mg ativan every 4 hours to treat early withdrawal. I am now on day 18 of a cold turkey and I can’t even describe the hell i am feeling.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2018, 01:29:27 am by [Buddie] »