Accidental addict’s journey from opiates to benzos to a psych ward to finally joining an online cult

Minutes away from facility for dementia, following 5day detox
« on: October 18, 2019, 05:39:42 am »

Iriswoman

Following a 6day detox, arrangements were made to transfer me from an inpatient psych facility to a long term care facility for dementia. Yes, that’s how severe my withdrawal symptoms were. I know you don’t just catch dementia in a week or two. Thank God, I had enough sense, knowledge of my rights, and just enough communication skills to request a 48 hour release. This psych hospital applied an alcohol detox protocol to a 25 year Rx=compliant dependence on benzodiazepines. A dependency that started with ativan and ending the last 15 years with Klonopin. For weeks now I’ve grown so weary that I’m now begun fighting SI daily, more specifically nightly. For 8 weeks I’ve followed a extreme self/care regime with no outside support, not for lack of pleading, but can’t find any resources. Self care consists of healthiest affordable diet (no processed foods, low to no sodium, sugar, caffeine, and saturated fats) plenty of fresh produce with magnesium and potassium […] foods, adequate hydration, sleep hygiene, CBT skills, yoga, deep breathing, 30-40 min walk as able, no medications except tylenol, and aspirin. I see no pattern of benefit or exacerbation with diet, OTC meds or lifestyle. So frustrated.

I was positive that the “protracted withdrawal” business was over-reported and I would recover within a few weeks. Bolstering my thinking was having successful gone through nasty opiate withdrawal years ago without PAWS, I was certain this would not be any worse…but it is bad. This is hell. Far worse. It’s as if Satin himself reaches up from Hell and pinches random parts of my body and brain, producing unpredictable,bizarre, but always painful or bizarre sensations to accompany a symphony of intense pain and prolonged insomnia.

Tonight, I’m scared. Not just the regular unrelenting anxiety, but thoughts that now seem rational, I can’t do this anymore. The pain, the lack of sleep. I’ve not had more than 1.5 hours sleep at any time for nearly 3 months. I am going out of my mind. And yet, I still have more clarity at times than I’ve had for many years. I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BENZO but I do want sleep, balance, and freedom from unrelenting spasms and nerve pain. I called every place I could think of and there is no help. Ironic, since the U of A and Banner Health just hosted a benzodiazapine awareness workshop in my town. Ironic because it was a Banner/UofA psych MD that referred me to the 5day inpatient detox. I’m livid when I find myself preparing to die, trying to post notes in explanations to things for my children. Certainly not with intention of self harm but what I believe to be inevitable. I don’t believe it is humanly possible to sustain this distress much longer. I’m having a good enough day today that I can actually type this intro. For that I’m grateful. I’m wearing thin on practicing gratitude and positive thoughts. I am human. I’m at my wits ends. Perhaps quite literally. Forgive the current cliche. I’m 66 with 2 adult children, both out of state and so unfamiliar with psych inpatient procedures and benzodiazapines specifically that they blame me for being so compliant with the docs, the Rx and the detox. They know the person I once was, and cannot imagine allowing such abuse. I understand their ignorance. Unless you’ve been through the inpatient process and know that the facility’s threat of an involutary commitment is most likely (and certainly, in my case) an empty one to elicit compliance and justify the maximim number of days to bill.

I will go anywhere for help and follow any sane, helpful advice. When you’ve gone inpatient and were harmed, where do you turn. Especially, when speech and balance is impaired. I can’t drive, I live upstairs and sometime balance is so bad, I cannot leave my apartment. Some days speech is so impaired, I can’t ask for help. I’ve had groceries delivered on days I can manage the logistics of ordering and receiving. Simple things have become monumental tasks. I contacted every support for mental healt. I’ve been to ER twice and was sadmitted the second time to the Neuro unit to rule out a stroke. Very expensive test ruled out a cardiac event. I won’t go again, as I’ve now read that there is nothing they can do. The offending staff at the shrink’s office did send a cop twice to make sure I was still alive. I was deeply offended. See if I’m still alive? That was it? I don’t want to just be alive. I’d like to go on living. Anyone that doesn’t see the difference shouldn’t be in the mental health business. Always so compliant and so forgiving…this time I’m so very angry. I try to convert this anger to energy to keep up this fight. I can’t do this alone and don’t know where or to whom to turn.

I’d rather be inspiring others than begging for help…but like everyone else…I need help. Btw, where are the @#$% lawyers? Who will pay for all those tests, the lost time. Rehab or as the hospital predicted, a long term care facility. Wow, all those mental health agencies competing for your insurance enrollment…disappear when I ask for help now. I rambled to exhaustion. Thx.

Benzo addicts resentful of opiate addicts

My reaction to an opiod withdrawal video
« on: July 17, 2019, 09:52:19 pm »

[Buddie]

Just got finished watching a Ted talk by someone who had a rough time coming off of prescribed opiates.

He was on stage crying in the middle of his speech, and my first thought was “Cool story bro. Let me tell you about benzodiazepines”.

I know the opiod issue has a lot in common with the benzo issue and I’m not saying that opiod withdrawal isn’t awful or that we should look down on anyone who has had that experience, but it kind of bothers me that for years I have been dealing with something that most people claim is worse than opiod withdrawal, yet no one really wants to acknowledge that it is a problem.

Where is our Ted talk? At least everyone acknowledges the opiod issue and they are taking some steps to correct it, benzos are barely part of the prescription drug conversation.

Re: My reaction to an opiod withdrawal video
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2019, 12:39:49 am »

[Buddie]

Where is our Ted talk?

Excellent question, […]! I’ve been wondering the same thing. Maybe since it’s not readily accepted quite yet that these drugs have been part of a “silent epidemic,” there’s fear in coming forward? Something is holding people back from full public acknowledgment and disclosure. I would certainly like that to end NOW.

I’d be a poor public speaker with horrible stage fright. But to have someone take that step of giving a TED talk would be a breath of fresh air!

This butterfly wants to fly (get shit-faced)

This butterfly wants to fly now ....so stressed
« on: May 27, 2019, 07:23:17 pm »

[Buddie]

Recently I have been under A LOT of stress everything has just piled up and I been having chest pains it then gives me more anxiety and adds more stress and worry. The pains feel like a pinch right where my heart is.

Then recently past few days I have been feeling kind of numb no motivation not much energy just want to be on the couch the whole day.

When is it safe to have a drink I’m 8 months off and I have had a drink just on certain occasions.

Can anyone relate? How do you deal with stress?

Xanax addicted pothead can’t watch TV without bursting into tears

Brain Hypersensitivity and Tension/Pressure Headaches and Sensitivity to TV
« on: May 08, 2019, 11:09:21 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi everybody,

Anyone else experiencing Tension/Pressure that hits you like a wave on the top of your head where it feels like someone is pushing you down? It’s really scary, I get dizzy and can’t walk. I also am really sensitive to noises (had to turn off the clocks in my house). And I am unusually sensitive/emotional to watching TV and news, I just feel very anxious and I cry when I normally NEVER cry, so I stopped watching it.

But, I am a HUGE Game of Thrones fan and it’s been really difficult/scary for me to watch the show because I get so much anxiety and I am scared I will have a stroke in my brain because it feels so weird! I feel like I know what part of my brain is being triggered with each different emotion. Anxiety/Stress gives me crazy Tension/Pressure Headaches, the other emotions feel like my brain is being stimulated with vibrations. Or I have goosebumps/chills in my brain (best way I can describe it), it’s just really weird and scary!

I’m scared to see my friends because I don’t know what emotion will be triggered with what they talk about or ask me, and how my brain is going to react to it! Has anyone else experienced this? If so, how long does it last? And do you have any coping tips or know of an OTC or herbal remedy? HELP!

I’m scared that this is permanent. I have been abusing Xanax for 13 years and started smoking marijuana, heavily for the past 2 years. I have a very high tolerance. The past 4 months I was pretty much smoking marijuana ALL DAY and night since I had really bad insomnia and was taking anywhere from 2 1/2-4 mgs of Xanax. About a month and a half ago I quit marijuana and smoking cigarettes, cold turkey. And decided to start tapering off Xanax by.25mg each week, but I started at 2mgs. And I think I reduced it too quickly and also the withdrawal from marijuana, I feel has magnified my withdrawal symptoms.

I feel like I’m going crazy and turning into a major hermit out of fear. Can anyone help, please? 🙏

Addict thanks Ashton and Benzo Buddies for wasting three years of her life

The Beginning of My Third Year Tapering
« on: April 05, 2019, 12:24:23 am »

[Buddie]

April 2017, I started tapering 2 mgs of Xanax, my stomach was killing me, had all the tests, all came back showing nothing, lucky enough my husband found an article discussing benzos and stomach pain and it all fell together.  I immediately cut way too much, having no knowledge of what I was doing, but I was lucky in that the next day I started researching.  I didn’t find the Ashton Manual or BB then , just enough information to go back up immediately, the word stroke scaring me to death.  Started back down, still way too fast, withdrawals really bad.  Anxiety off the roof, shaky, heart palpitations, muscle pain, and many others.  Mostly in terrible shape.  In October, after lowering about .05 xanax found Ashton Manual, got my pain Dr to help and managed to come down another.25 for a total of.75 Xanax.  Horrible withdrawals, found BB, thank goodness, and decided to crossover to Valium, which also turned into a nightmare, my body just hated it, sedated, sick, had crossover too fast, having xanax withdrawals also.  It was awful.   I made many more mistakes during the next year, this is so hard, not the same rules for anyone.  My main symptom through all of this has been bad muscle pain, still is.  I am writing this for the people who are around a year into this and think they can’t go on, you can.   I am down to 10.56 Valium from 40 mg .  I am now doing a daily liquid micro taper, much easier than cut and hold for me, and just had a three week window, I had never had one.  So if I can make all the mistakes I did and be as miserable as I have been, know you can keep on.  Keep reading all over BB to find the way for you, ask questions, learn, get advice……my best advice, taper slowly, so many of us have run into so many walls wanting to speed this process up, all the heartache, pain and time we would have saved , if we had just slowed down.  Ashton is a fast taper for most of us, it’s a good taper but cut that % down or stretch the time frame out.  You will be glad you did.  I was on Xanax for 3 years, never dreamed this could happen, am sure you didn’t either.  I hope this helps someone, I am not a great writer like so many on here, but I wanted to share, you are not alone in your mistakes, not anything wrong you have done has not been done before and those people still healed.  Good luck everyone, you CAN do this too, it won’t be easy and it is going to take a while.   🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀 […]….read the success stories, they help!

Accidental addict gets arrested after getting wasted on booze and Xanax

Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« on: March 28, 2019, 03:53:13 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi Gang…I havnt posted in a while, I check the site from time to time. I need help/advice and this site has always been a good source of both. I will be brief and to the point….I am currently on 3mgs of Xanax per day. I tried to taper I tapered Librium in 2016, but failed. I have not increased my xanax for over a Year…but I Made a huge mistake of not realizing it had lost aot of its effect as tolerance set in, and so I combined alcohol Twice a week , every week to just escape the stress of Life. Well, I was cited for Physical Control, and have now been put on probation and have a court ordered Substance Abuse Assessment to be arranged within the Week, prior to a Pre-Trial Hearing in May. It has now been a full week since my last escape day using alcohol. I am feeling stressed…scared…cloudy and very little coping skills. I assume sooner or later my GP who writes my scripts will be involved in what has happened. Anyone faced something similiar and have any advice on a taper…hold stead…add an anti depressant…etc. Thank you in advance. I will adjust my Signature Line

Re: Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2019, 09:41:52 pm »

[Buddie]

Congrats on full week no alcohol, […]. Alcohol and benzo’s do not make good companions, they make things worse.

I’d try and hold steady if I were you. This at least, will keep one positive thing still in place. But really up to you.

I’d also talk to my doctor to at least have noted that you are not coping with “life” at the moment, it might assist your case.

I’m not suggesting that you have alcoholism […], only you can know that, but going to an AA meeting mightn’t be a bad idea either. You will find many people there who will offer you support and advice, and might even trigger you into thinking about your use of alcohol as a coping mechanism.

I no longer drink myself, and it is so much better.

Going to AA will also assist your case, though I hope you take your drinking seriously following this experience.

We can’t escape life with alcohol and other drugs […], and who would want to? Life can be good.

I used to go to AA years ago and it helped. They have a saying in AA which asks that people deal with “life, on life’s terms”. There is no escape in alcohol and other drugs, only further entrapment.

Hope everything works out well for you […]. Put yourself first this time, and think about others, too.

[…]

Edit: I come from Australia and do not know what being “cited for Physical Control”, means.
If it entails violence, even greater reason to examine your use of alcohol and other drugs. Many people in gaol today who can’t rememember being violent when under the influence of both.
Be aware.

D.

« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 09:57:23 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2019, 01:49:46 pm »

[Buddie]

Thanks for the reply. Physical Control means you are in a vehicle not driving, not started…but under the Influence. It is a fair law that allows Law enforcement to charge someone who may not be driving at that particulair minute…but you are in the Drivers Seat and therfore responsible for being under the influence. I realized after 20 plus Years of taking Benzos as prescribed that I have reached tolerance long ago. So I began to combine alcohol to escape briefly was has become a tough place in Life. I did this once or twice a Week….thankfully not anymore or I would have another problem with Alcohol withdrawl. One of my Main questions for the Site is what if any Impact will 20 Years of Benzo use have on the Judges decision on a sentence. I am in a place of Leadership in my Community and know that most will not understand the effects of 2 decades of Benzo use has on a person. I realize I am responsible. I should have dealt with this Benzo Dependancy a long time ago. I made some attempts but was unable to break free. Besides Support ….I was looking for insight by anyone on the Board who has brought up Benzo use for a Misdemenor Traffice Violation that is looked upon as pretty much the same as DUI.

Addict blames Klonopin after ending up in rehab for opiates

A year of an opioid addiction followed by a year of a Klonopin prescription
« on: March 07, 2019, 10:21:14 am »

[Buddie]

It has not been a good 2 years. January 2017 I began abusing Oxycodone and other opioids. I knew I was heading down a dark tunnel but I didn’t care. I was severely depressed and it was the only thing that made me feel better. That didn’t last long. I spent about a month in rehab in November 2017 and got clean. From opiates, at least. When I got out of rehab my anxiety was so bad I ended up going to the emergency room and they gave me a shot of Valium and a bottle of 90 1mg Clonazepam and told me to take up to 3mg a day as needed. I quickly realized that was too high of a dose for me and ended up taking 1 to 1.5mg a day. I’m currently taking 2mg a day and I feel like my anxiety and depression have returned with a vengeance. I spend a majority of my time sleeping, smoking weed, and watching TV. I have no urge to hang out with any of my friends and have become a recluse. Everything feels like a chore, even eating. I’m 6 foot and 150 pounds. I’m in college and I can barely make it to class. Even when I go I feel like it’s pointless because I don’t remember anything. I feel like Clonazepam has ruined my memory. I used to be able to get all A’s and a few B’s in my classes without studying much. Now I study more than ever and I can barely remember the last page I read. While I was abusing opiates I definitely was not in a good state of mind and it completely fried my dopamine receptors but I feel like the effects Klonopin have had on my brain are even worse. I’m only 22 and feel like if I stay on this drug I’m gonna have Alzheimers by 30. I’m dedicated to tapering off but taking it slow. I just have a few questions I’d like to ask the community if anyone has some input. How long do the memory problems last? Do you notice your memory start to “come back” once getting off benzos? What are some tips to help improve benzo induced memory loss? Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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