“All of this led me to start obtaining illicit benzos and just eating them like candy… I took the first one and I could feel a wave of euphoria run over me as the anxiety melted away into nothing… I’m not an addict!”

How to deal with the doctor
« on: July 01, 2018, 02:47:49 pm »

[Buddie]

Ill start at the beginning of my story as I feel its appropriate. I developed psychosis when I started university 4 years ago which was debilitating and somewhat scary this then led to me doing cocaine and somewhat overdosing. Since the OD I haven’t touched coke but it seems that the psychosis and OD had left me with severe anxiety. I went along to the GP who gave me a range of drugs which included diazepam and zopiclone and I would just go back and see the doctor from time to time and get more diazepam and zopiclone as needed. Now I didn’t take them everyday just when I had to do something that would really aggravate me. Now I have no doubt I got addicted to the diazepam as soon as I took the first one, it was just 2mg but it was pure bliss, I took the first one and I could feel a wave of euphoria run over me as the anxiety melted away into nothing and I felt normal which I hadn’t done in a long time.

I then had to move GP’s but it was fine as they sent me to a psych who instead of giving me 2mg when I felt like it she gave me 5mg 3x a day. Now at the time the 2mg just didn’t do anything and I don’t know why I kept taking them as they weren’t working except for sleep. Now I’m sure this should have been a warning sign to the doctor of impending dependence but it didn’t cross anybody’s mind. This GP was fine and handed them out like candies which was great (to me at the time) but then I again had to move due to uni but this time it was much further away from home in another county.

This is where the full nightmare begins, I go register at the nearest GP and make an appointment to set up repeat prescriptions. This is where I find out there are some really tricky, untrustworthy worthless doctors who shouldn’t be in the profession. I tell him what I was on with the boxes so he can see for himself and an actual unfilled prescriptions. I was on 2 anti d’s, stomach things, codeine and diazepam with an occasional zopiclone. This doctor rather than being helpful and courteous goes off on me about have diazepam and codeine are addictive and proceedes to tell me I will only be getting the one prescription on diazepam off him and that would be my lot.

So I continue just taking them as normal and when I come to run out I make an appointment to get more to which he refused. I left and started going into withdrawal after the second day which was truly horrific and I really couldn’t cope with it all. I make another appointment with the doctor whom again refuses the diazepam but give me zopiclone to help me sleep (only 10 3.75mg tablets and I was on 7.5mg). This gave me 7 days of comfort from the withdrawals and to make a plan on what to do. In the end I ordered them of the internet as I couldn’t trust my doctor to deliver appropriate care so had to take the matter into my own hands. Anyway I ran out of zopiclone and went back to the doctor with withdrawals but this time the withdrawals were taking there toll, I this time beg the doctor for more diazepam and said that it wasn’t fair that he abruptly stopped my medication and was agains prescription guidelines. All he said to me was “that is not true and the typical response from a drug seeking patient“, I didn’t know what to do I mean I’m not an addict but this hurt me that he could have been so cruel while I just wanted help. This led me to attack the doctor which wasn’t my finest moment and was kicked out of uni.

All of this led me to start obtaining illicit benzos and just eating them like candy. The accusations and non help of a doctor again happened when I moved practice again and went round the same thing again.

Now I’m on a stable dose of 3mg of Lorazepam which I really want to come off using diazepam but would need the doctors help to do this. Im planning on another doctors office to see if I can get anywhere with them as I’m desperate to come off these drugs now and need proper help. Ive also been refused therapy, counselling and mental health services and am currently seeing a addiction centre for it but they haven’t deal with benzos before so don’t know what they are doing at all and I really don’t trust them, I meant how can I cut up a rather small tablet into 16 evenly sized pieces? How the hell do I do this it really seems impossible for me at the moment and I also dosnt help I’m on probation so if I get caught with them I have to serve at least 6 months in prison.

Ashton worshippers replace benzo addiction with food addiction, pile on the pounds

Can't stop eating
« on: March 06, 2018, 12:17:44 pm »

[Buddie]

My brain is telling me to every minute of every day.

It is not like hunger but a sort of panic stricken compulsion that I am unable to ignore. I can’t get any control over it.

I am gaining weight fast.

I don’t know what to do.

I have never experienced anything like it. I lost half my body weight a couple of years ago and don’t want to be fat again.

I think it is tied to my being completely unable to feel any senstion from inside my body including feeling full.

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2018, 02:49:32 am »

[Buddie]

I went through a similar phase. I ended up gaining a fair amount of weight which I then had to work back off. And like you, I had lost a bunch of weight (102 pounds) the year before I withdrew.

Maybe go for a nice long walk (without taking any food). Or make sure all the food around the house takes a good hour or more to prepare (no ready-to-eat foods or snacks laying around).

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2018, 03:24:15 am »

[Buddie]

I understand what you mean when you say you can’t feel sensations on the inside of your body.

For awhile I was so numb internally I wondered if my heart was still beating. I would have thoughts that would make meme panic mentally but I couldn’t feel any physical response. My body felt dead.

I wonder if your hunger signals are simply misfiring and miscommunicating too. Hunger (or lack thereof) is signalled by various hormones like leptin and ghrellin. I would say that amidst the chaos of benzo withdrawal, the signal to release those appropriately has been temporarily affected.

It could also be that your body is under a lot of stress and is working very hard so is interpreting the need for excess energy.

I would focus on physical exercise where you can. In terms of eating, all you can do right now is try make healthy balanced food choices. Think protein and fibre every meal to try keep your GI low. That should aid satiety and feelings of fullness. And then try and eat as frequently and as much as you know to be healthy for your body. If you logically know you’ve had enough, then perhaps try distraction (although I know how hard this is.

Overall, don’t beat yourself up. You can only do your best. Once you have recovered you can focus on the weight aspect if you still find that to be an issue

:smitten:

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2018, 07:49:49 am »

[Buddie]

Don’t let the weight issue get out of hand. It’ll be hard to comeback later, no matter what they tell you. Eat healthy, and above all, exert control.

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2018, 12:56:41 pm »

[Buddie]

You know I am going through something similar… the absence of internal sensations, an undiscript urge which feels like an urge to eat. It is confusing and harrowing… especially when you had already worked so hard to get back into shape!…

Do what you can. This is withdrawal… but don’t let go either. Don’t beat yourself up, is what I mean, and try to stay as healthy as you can – but know that this is not the way it will always be.

So I agree with not keeping snacks around, or if there are any, no more than what would feel like a decent portion, something “healthy”… nutrients which will help you function and heal.

Do you cook? Do you share meals with family? Try new recipes, take time to prepare and plate nicely… that could help you think of food differently…?

Brush your teeth after eating… you might feel less tempted to reach for the fridge again…

Plan your meals and snacks, that way you may be able to bargain with yourself…

Exercise and relaxation should also benefit you – especially if like me, you feel a weird “urge”. And any distraction, anything you enjoy…

Not sure whether that is advisable… I chew gum. Yes, full of yucky stuff but it helps with the “urge”… looking forward to being able to give that nasty habit up!!…

And tell yourself that you are healing. That things will get better… because they will. No matter what you believe right now!

Hugs  :smitten:
[…] xx

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2018, 04:21:30 pm »

[Buddie]

I am not able to exercise much due to ME/CFS.

I had managed to get my exercise up while tapering but I think I pushed itto much and have made ME/CFS worse as well as withdrawal stuff.

I am mainly housebound.

I can’t explain the eating thing – it does not feel like a normal craving. It feels qualitively different and related to the hypersalivation and neck/jaw tightness that makes my body feel like it is chewing all the time I am awake – like the signals are all messed up.

Also the feel and taste of food is all wrong in my mouth.

The lack of sensation applies to my sense of touch as well – my body feels like it is made of something inert like plastic and the world feels too insubstantial. I manage to forget about it sometimes and then I rub my face or something and the full horror of it returns.

I think I need to talk to the neurologist again.

Before withdrawl I had a very small appetite and ate a paleo style diet. I mainly had one meal a day.