Nightmares, crippling anxiety and depression, cannot think or accomplish much « on: December 07, 2020, 10:05:27 pm »
This is what has been happening for some time. I am not on this on line group much. I do very little activity actually – feels my body is wasting away from not being used and my brain. I have reduced more since I have been on here. Need to update my stuff on the bottom. I am scared. A few nights ago I had horrible pain in upper part of stomach for 2nd time in month – pressure and pain up near ribs, along with pain between neck and both shoulders and pain radiating out to entire torso and back. Felt as though I was dying. Threw up some, but most of it would not even come up. I was heaving so badly that loud sounds came out of my mouth. I do not know what that was. My son was very scared for me.
I am scared. My daughter wants me to come to OH from FL from the 26th to the 29th to spend time in a cabin in Hocking Hills, Ohio with my son and both their partners. My son who lives with me as well as my husband were both invited. I am so sad that I do not see my children, so I really want to go, but there is this dread or fear that I cannot explain – besides my son who lives with me having severe trauma issues that occurred within a hospital in mental health – I am his only “safe” person. He is terrified at the thought of me leaving. He is also terrified at the thought of going to OH and will not go and asked me not to go.
My life has stopped. I miss my kids. Four days. Can’t I just suck it up for four days and go? I am unable to do much. I do not want to be a disappointment to my kids either. I am missing memories. I love my family.
My husband refuses to take off work. My son would actually only be alone for two days. But he is terrified.
I do not know what to do. My sleep schedule is off. My entire life is off. Everything stresses me out.
Not sure what is ultimately wrong with me: withdrawals, trauma of seeing my son dying an agonizing death while medical “professionals” just stood there nonchalantly as though nothing serious were happening – me having to argue to get help – him landing in CV-ICU finally and they had to work in him 48 min to stop his death – with aftermath of intimidation, lies, minimization, gaslighting, assault and battery of my already injured son by staff at hospital – he was beaten and kicked in head and more, ambushing me; or menopause? My doc wants me to start some identical hormones.
I am scared and lonely. I want to see my two children in OH. I rarely see them. Will I be any good for them? Will I be able to handle the flight schedule because everything pretty much stresses me out – I feel like a piece of furniture sitting in this house due to just leaving causes stress. I fear for my son here. Flying? Can I do it? Will I be good for the kids?
I am missing my life. This is so wrong. I heard they are supposedly adding a black box warning of some sort. Does not help us.
Just wondering about these awful dreams that I can barely wake from. When I wake it is like I lived it. Is that the withdrawals or trauma? I need help. I have no support.
I know I do not get on here enough to get to know people for support. I do not even know how to connect with people much anymore. I feel so lost. I do not know where to begin. I just keep chipping away at the pills. My son wants me to taper his meds also, which I am doing ever so slowly. This is not living life. Why can’t I just enjoy life? So many people do not understand. I do not understand. Most have left me or are so tired of me because they tell me to just “BE POSITIVE” about life. They do not understand.
Will I ever be able to enjoy life?