14 months of brainwashing fails as cult member goes back on medication

Bit the bullet...
« on: December 03, 2017, 05:06:34 pm »

[Buddie]

So today I decided that I have suffered enough… 14 months. I’ve decided to take Zoloft at 25mg to start. It may make things better, it may make things worth however, at this point in my recovery I have nothing to lose because my depression is getting worse by the day. Thank you everyone for your support and listening to my rants. I’ve tried everything to stabilize… maybe some people who did the same will chime in and give me some hope.

love to all,

Doctor bashers bully suicidal patient

I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
 « on: November 17, 2017, 05:19:42 am »

[Buddie]

I’m trying so hard not to go back on Klonopin but I can’t take much more of this. My anxiety and akathisia is so bad I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending panic attack. How can I be feeling this bad 15 months off benzos? I feel worse now than I did when I started my taper.

edit: self-harm reference removed.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2017, 05:39:29 am by [Buddie] »

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2017, 05:31:28 am »

[Buddie]

Hi […],
Your 15 months off this crap, you hang in there!!!!
It does get better. I’m just about 17 months off and life is good. You can do this. Reinstatement could make things worse then what’s going on now.
Think it threw real good before you do that.
Imo if you’ve went threw 15 months your very close to feeling better.
Don’t give up !!
We all heal !! Yeah I know waiting is hard with symptoms. But distract and stay positive. It’s coming 😁😁 […]

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2017, 06:09:14 am »

[Buddie]

Keep battling!!!!

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2017, 06:18:00 am »

[Buddie]

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so bad. How did you do your withdrawal? I’m just curious. Your signature just says that you jumped.

Anyway, I agree with […] that you should try to not reinstate. There was a reason that you decided to stop taking klonopin. It wasn’t working for you in some respect. Going back on it will probably just bring that problem up again.

It doesn’t help to compare time lines. People heal at different rates. I don’t think anybody understands why it’s that way or can predict who will heal faster/slower. A few days ago, I read a very positive post from a buddie who had been feeling very poorly for longer than you have, and in the past two months, it’s gotten significantly better for her.

How are you doing otherwise? Are you eating well? What kinds of things are you still able to do? Sucks that you’re suffering from akathisia. Does that prevent you from getting out or are you just uncomfortable in certain situations? I think people who are able to get out and at least take a long walk are better able to cope with their anxiety. Long walks are great distractions. I rode a bike a lot during my withdrawal. Not very fast, but sometimes for hours.

I need to mention that I removed part of a sentence from your original post on this thread. It referred to thoughts of self-harm and those kinds of comments can be really upsetting to some of our members. Many are just as anxious as you, and they don’t need any extra ‘excitement’. I hope you understand.

I know this ordeal is difficult, but for those who see it through, it works out. Try to relax as best you can. Distraction and mindfulness are your allies. Hang in there, and try not to despair.

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2017, 09:17:43 am »

[Buddie]

I know I shouldn’t reinstate Klonopin but if I can’t cope, I don’t really have a choice. Klonopin completely ruined my life. I’m actually seeing a psychologist in January for disability benefits because there’s no way I can work with the tremendous amount of anxiety and depression I experience on a daily basis. I feel like a totally different person. I don’t enjoy any of the activities that I used to enjoy. I used to build computers and program applications for fun. I’ve totally lost interest in that. It’s like I’m stuck in a dysphoric state of mind and nothing satisfies me anymore. Distracting myself is nearly impossible because I can’t get my problems and thoughts of harming myself out of my head. Also, I’ve turned into a recluse because it’s become extremely hard for me to talk to people. I can’t hold a conversation. I speak in very short and sometimes incomplete sentences. I’m hoping the psychologist will notice all of this so I get disability benefits.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2017, 09:22:45 am by [Buddie] »

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2017, 09:36:45 am »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on November 17, 2017, 05:19:42 am
I’m trying so hard not to go back on Klonopin but I can’t take much more of this. My anxiety and akathisia is so bad I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending panic attack. How can I be feeling this bad 15 months off benzos? I feel worse now than I did when I started my taper.

edit: self-harm reference removed.

Hi […]  I know its a little further out than you are now but I’m sure you’d be more than welcomed to join this group their nice people its the 18 to 30 month post jump group http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=141544.0;topicseen. I hope its of help to you 

Love […] xxx 

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2017, 12:46:57 pm »

[Buddie]

Are you taking any other poison right now that doctor prescribed you?

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2017, 03:55:42 pm »

[Buddie]

Nope, I’m not taking any prescription medication.

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2017, 07:55:00 pm »

[Buddie]

Hang in there. Kpin turned it’s back on me and I would never take that rat poison again. If I took it again, I feel it would makes things even worse.

Anti-psychiatry Benzo Buddies ghouls try to talk hallucinating addict out of seeking professional help

Considering Nursing Home care
« on: November 01, 2017, 11:34:47 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello everyone,

I have been through multiple withdrawals, almost on a monthly basis, over the past 5 years of being on klonopin. I made a huge mistake doing that, and I now know it. I was so frightened and terrified that I couldn’t even think straight. Even on the medication, I was in a lot of distress. I am now hardly able to take care of myself. I have lost almost all proprioception and can’t feel the muscles I’m tensing. This actually started possibly years ago. I am at a point where I have encountered near death experiences of being completely out of my body, much more than just dr/dp. I haven’t been able to let my body relax since my high anxiety took me into dr/dp 7 years ago (upon which I became frozen in my own body and couldn’t get help or info anywhere), 2 years before I was on meds. I am afraid to move or even think about most of my body and head. My sense of my body is constantly fluctuating. I have saucer sized pupils almost all day every day. When I look at them under light in the bathroom, they are constantly becoming huge then small. My mother has been taking care of me for the past 3 years, but she is getting older and I can’t put this on her anymore. I am only 31, but I am becoming severely disabled by this. If I even think about my body I feel pain. Over the years of repeated withdrawal, I have been mentally running away from what is happening to me more and more. The more I go on, the worse everything is getting. I am now having near-death compelete out of body experiences frequently. My nervous system is so wired that when I get up to do something, I am completely out of my body and can’t feel anything. When I sit down I start to feel all kinds of pain and horrible sensations. My proprioception is totally gone. My mouth feels sideways sometimes. Other times it starts to feel gigantic. And it is all I can really notice. Something is very wrong with me. I’ve done some kind of damage that I couldn’t feel because I’ve been outside of my body for years. I do have a feeling that I’m going to die, but it’s not a panicky one that I had 7 years ago when I entered dr/dp. This is an oddly calm acceptance.

So, I really think I need to be in a nursing home under medical care despite my age. I just contacted my doctor about it and I’m waiting for a reply. I know this seems crazy to everyone else in my life, but I know it’s what needs to be done in case something happens and to relieve the burden on my mother. I’m only getting worse and worse, and I have a feeling I’m on the verge of a serious occurrence that may threaten my life. I may even have to go back on klonopin just to stabilize. Just maybe there is a possibility I could do a supremely slow taper at some point in the distant future after I possibly correct the things that are physically wrong with me. To be honest, a lot of what I read here is what I experienced during my first or second year on the med. I feel like I unknowingly kindled myself dozens of times and found out all of this information I found way too late.

So, I guess my question is, what do you guys think? I’m losing my abilities to do anything even worse than before. I was hardly able to take care of myself the last few years on klonopin. I just sat in my chair hoping to distract myself at my computer. I had to leave grad school a year before I had my phd, and I pretty much became homebound then. I thought it was all just some mysterious thing that was destroying me and no one could figure it out. Now I know, but it’s too late. Do you think I will be able to do this? Do they have to have a definite diagnosis for me to be put in there? Please let me know anything you have to say about this.

Re: Considering Nursing Home care
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2017, 12:05:41 am »

[Buddie]

If you tell your doctor what you just wrote they won’t put you in a nursing home unfortunately, they’ll send you to a psych hospital. I know your feeling rough and guilty but you got to pull yourself together for your family. Vent all you want, it helps for sure but just know that you aren’t broken forever. This will end one day. You might have underlying issues as so I as well but this isn’t baseline if you weeent like this prior to the meds.

VA cutting off beer-guzzling 25-year Xanax addict

25 YEARS ON XANAX
« on: September 04, 2017, 04:05:35 pm »

[Buddie]

I have been on Xanax for about 25 years. Dosages as high as 4.5 mg a day years ago to down to .5 mg a day (and up and down over the years). Currently on.5 mg a day and tapering (i hope). The V.A. is trying to get people off of the Benzos I think because of a (perhaps) causal link to dementia. The Dr has added hydroxyzine on a trial basis starting at 20mg a day….we will see. My primary symptom was dizziness along with (at times) heart palpitations. Before Xanax I was self medicating with beer, up to 12 cans a day. The symtoms would be constant for months and then go away for months…I haven’t figured out what might have triggered the symptoms in that long ago time. They gave me a CAT scan with (happily) negative results ( in about 1987 or so). And then gave me some Halzion to help with sleep. I found that by taking the Halzion in the daytime my symptoms went away almost immediately! Anyhow because Hazion was not for anxiety per se, they went to Xanax. This in spite of the fact I didn’t have to take the halzion on a constant basis, but only as the symptoms showed up. (Dr.s always know best, of course, they are “M.D.s”……Medical deities………) […] says “hello to all”

Benzo Buddies: “Is my doctor insane?” (this is a psychiatric patient wondering if his/her doctor is insane)

Is my doctor insane?
« on: July 29, 2017, 06:45:33 am »

[Buddie]

I don’t live in a western country currently, and I went to change my valium from 5mg to 2mg as I’m nearing the end of my taper. After talking with my doc, he told me benzos don’t cause withdrawal. He suggested maybe I’m just hallucinating. I said, “yep, from the withdrawal”. He agreed it’s best I stop taking this medication, but insisted til the end that benzos cannot cause anxiety interdose, and that withdrawal does not occur during cessation. Hahaha just tell me he’s nuts and not me, please.