Cult member turns to alcohol to feel normal after benzo taper fails

Where to live? Dilema
« on: May 07, 2019, 04:52:24 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi everyone,

I need to make a major life decision and whilst I have people who care for me trying to help I feel like the only people who can truly understand the factors involved in a decision like this are others who have gone through or are going through b.withdrawal. Therefore any comments on this would be hugely appreciated.

I’m due to move house next month but the area I want to move to is very expensive. The reason why I want to move there is because I have some friends and contacts there, and feel I’d be able to my life forward. Whilst going through withdrawal I’ve been making some extra income with art and illustration and think this city will facilitate being able to take that to a career-level. (Which is also amazing therapy). I have also been producing some music remotely with a guy who lives near there and if I moved closer we’d take the music to another level too. In a nutshell I feel like it’s the place to be to start getting myself back on my feet and feel some sense of ‘living’ and working again, even whilst still in recovery.

I’ve lived in numerous different cities and across two countries for work throughout my twenties but I turn 31 next week and I’d like to put some roots down – which this city feels right for.

One major thing is the fact that since being in withdrawal I have been relying on alcohol to feel ‘normal’ when going out and about. It’s not been regular, I’d say I’ve been housebound on average 5 days a week and then will have a couple of glasses of wine to meet up with family for example at the weekend – that kinda thing. It’s something I’m deeply ashamed of, although now I understand this was due to withdrawal. But, I know in order to make a full recovery I need to steer clear of it, maybe for a year and allow the brain to heal. That’s my goal. To do that living alone seems like the best option, rather than with a housemate. If I’m around people when I’m feeling particularly bad it’s too tempting sometimes to have some wine to ease the symptoms (otherwise literally the symptoms can get so bad people call for paramedics despite trying to suppress/stop them).

It seems the most realistically way to do this self-styled ‘rehab’ is to be in an environment that I can control. I’ve also had bad luck with housemates during my twenties where they’ve always turned out to be slightly nuts and I don’t think I can handle the stress of that again, especially at the moment.

However, the cost to rent a studio place is above what I can afford whilst relying on disability support (due to withdrawal). I’m two and half years into this and hopeful in a year or so I will recover and therefore be able to work again. So my friends and family are encouraging me to get something above my budget, even offering to help financially a little in the beginning and telling me to be positive that I’ll be able to work again soon. But, as we all know from BW it’s unpredictable and it’s one thing being positive I will be able to work again soon, it feels like another thing betting the roof over my head on it.

So here are the options I’ve come up with but I’m just going round in circles in my head trying to figure this out – hence reaching out on here.

Option one:
I rent something suitable for my health, slightly above my budget, accept some help from my father and work hard to get my art and design business off the ground to sustain the payments. Risk: fail to meet payments – have to move again.

Option two:
Share with someone. Cheaper but not ideal for a ‘rehab’ environment or lifestyle and probably not much space to grow the art business (I work quite large). Risk: using alcohol to keep up appearances / stressful situations with housemate/s – have to move out again.

Option three:
Rent a studio in a different part of the country. In my budget we’re looking at somewhere fairly rural/crappy city. Risk: feeling isolated / lack of opportunities and friends. Mental health could suffer.

My closest confident that I’ve known for ten plus years, who’s seen me go through this from day one, got frustrated with me for not being able to just pull myself together and got a full time job so I can afford a studio in this city. My Dad is encouraging me to ‘think positive’ and ‘take the adventurous risk’, but it’s exacerbating trying to explain that just getting through this is being positive, and that it’s a balance between being positive and being prepared for any worst case scenarios/risks.

I don’t think (understandably) anyone fully understands the mental and physical challenges that come with BW. There are days when I just feel I need to be alone to recharge, not putting on a brave face to housemates, and equally I want to be able to go out and do things that lift my spirits (meet gallery owners / record music) when I feel able to. NB – I find travelling challenging too at the moment (and currently don’t drive) so being within a short walking/cycling distance to a community feels pretty key.

I want to live in my own little safe space where I can recover at my own pace, sustainably without financial stress, in a community that encourages some socialisation and a brighter future. It just seems like I can have two of these things, not all three.

Any suggestions from anyone?
(Thank you)

Daughter seeks medical advice for infirm 85-year-old mother from anti-psychiatry cult

Helping my elderly Mother.
« on: February 03, 2019, 02:16:20 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi, I have joined in order to help my elderly mother (85) taper off lorazepam.
She currently takes .5 mg twice a day. She was prescribed with the DX of functional neurological disorder. She has recently started amitriptyline and it is helping. Her Dr. And I both want her to taper off lorazepam as her memory has been impacted greatly since starting a year ago. I am my mother’s sole caregiver, and would like to do this in the safest and most comfortable way possible. I would appreciate any help at all. Thank you.

Re: Helping my elderly Mother.
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2019, 02:24:02 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello […],

Welcome to Benzo Buddies and thank you so much for being here on behalf of your mother! At your mother’s age, care needs to be taken so that the process can be as gentle as possible on her system. I’m glad you’ve joined the forum and I’m glad her doctor is on board with tapering off lorazepam. Often doctors favor a far too fast taper schedule so I hope this person is willing to allow your mother to taper at a very slow rate. You’ll find a lot of good information here. Arm yourself with knowledge, do a lot of reading and you’ll find a plan that works best for your mother.

A slow taper can help to minimize withdrawal symptoms. Generally, a reduction of no more than 5-10% every 10-14 days is suggested. I’ll give you a link to the General Taper Plans for additional information. I would also suggest that your mom’s taper should be based on how she feels. Listen to what she tells you because the taper rate can be adjusted if necessary.

I’ll also give you a link to the Ashton Manual. It is an excellent resource about these types of drugs and how to withdraw. The manual was written by Dr. Heather Ashton, an expert in the field.

Withdrawal can be challenging for some people but not everyone. I hope your mom’s taper goes smoothly and easily. Being a caregiver can also put a strain on you, so practicing self care for yourself is also recommended. We have several members who are supporting a loved one. We’re here for you and your mom so please do ask questions, we’re here to help.

General Taper Plans

The Ashton Manual

[…] 🙂

Member with 30 terrifying symptoms gets no help from Benzo Buddies ghouls who forced him into dangerous micro-taper

please help me - paradoxical?
« on: December 13, 2018, 03:39:59 am »

[Buddie]

I know I’ve reached out to a lot of you and it seems I almost have an allergy to this class of meds. I was only on klonipin for 2.5 weeks in May during some neuro testing for numbness, tingling and spasms. Tests for MRI and EMG came back ok. I then wanted to stop the klonipin because I felt flat and irritable and was only sleeping until 7:30. I was told to cold turkey per my doctor and had a panic attack and burning. My doc then immediately moved me to Ativan starting at 1 mg and then moving up to 1.5 and 1.75 for one night. I weaned down to 1 mg and held for a month but had horrible inter-dose withdrawal. I was dropping 25% a week and got violently ill (vomiting, light sensitivity, brain pressure) then moved me to Valium (direct cross over which really hurt my gut). Landing at 12.5 mg and I thought i stabilized. I’ve been hospitalized for hyponatremia for three days and have had an insane amount of symptoms which shook my CNS. They also gave me generic Valium pills in the hospital and generic liquid. I know all the info above sounds idiotic, but I kept telling my doctor something was wrong and asking for multiple opinions with no help. With Valium I started a cut and hold at first then liquid and had to ipdose from 8.5 to 9 Bc of hyponatremia. I’m now trying a .001 microtaper pills after trying to stabilize on 9 mg for a month. I’m still not stable and have almost electricity coming off me and a charge in my tongue and throat. I know I’ve had so many changes in a short amount of time, but I don’t feel like I can survive this even dropping .001. I have insomnia as well and have lost 50 lbs since May with muscle wasting. I know I seem like the crazy one on the forum, but I had a great job and life before this and I’m at a loss of how to move through it. Every single day I get worse. I’m wondering since I never had a proper crossover would it be an option to cross over to Librium and hold for a long time? Any advice would be appreciated. I was holding at 9 mg and still felt pretty terrible. I wish I had known about the Ashton manual before all of this. I’m currently holding. It also burns when I take the Valium.

Sxs that come and go

1. electric feeling – mouth, throat, genitals
2. insomnia
3. head pressure
4. metalic taste and smell
5. rapid aging
6. dpr
7. looping/ocd
8. burning in extremities
9. thirst
10. spasms
11. tingling
12. numbness
13. hair loss
14. twitching
15. veins popping
16. GI issues
17. dandruff
18. massive weight loss
19. muscle wasting
20. tongue spasms
21. electricity feeling off my face – this is because the hyponatremia rocked my CNS
22. DEPRESSION
23. gas
24. foot jerks
25. blinking
26. acid reflux
27. benzo belly
28. tooth pain and inflamed gums
29. tremors
30. Edema

Re: please help me - paradoxical?
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2018, 12:21:36 pm »

[Buddie]

Anyone? Moderators?

Internet doctors at Benzo Buddies advise member to drive into a brick wall at 80 MPH

considering reinstatement
« on: November 26, 2018, 09:27:24 pm »

[Buddie]

it’s been a month since i took anything. I can’t eat i can’t sleep can’t play with my kids. I am basically a walking zombie. I have some many symptoms it would be hard to list them all.

Re: considering reinstatement
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2018, 09:38:45 pm »

[Buddie]

your taper was very very fast and ativan is the worst devil in my eyes..
What you feel now is totally normal. Keep that in mind.
You have 2 options: Ride it out no matter what or reinstate quickly on a benzo like valium hoping to stabilize and do a proper taper according to the ashton manual. Option 2 requires a doctor who gives you the prescription and you do not know if you will really stabilize or feel worse.
All I can say is that this is early withdrawal. 1001 symptoms. The feeling of freaking out. Being half dead, with intrusive thoughts, depression, overwhelming ideas, dreams, insomnia – that is real withdrawal.

My taper from ativan was too fast, too, although I held dosages for weeks and months the cuts were too big. The withdrawal was horrbible but I did not want to reinstate because I was in tolerance from it.

I cannot help you more than telling you that a lot of members have survived what you are experiencing now and that I hope it will get better for you soon. No one deserves this…

Super-long benzo taper produces hallucinations, twitching over entire body, inability to sleep, hundreds of doctor visits

Bucksfan - going off clonazepam (20 years) need help please.
« on: July 10, 2018, 07:46:21 am »

[Buddie]

hi. my name is mike and i have been on clonazepam for 20 years (1 mg) and am tapering off it (down to 0.5 mg). i and am very sick and i think i have been in withdrawal for 15 years and never knew it. i have had hundreds of doctor visits and many hundreds of blood tests and they can’t find anything wrong with me.

the symptoms i have been having for 15 years are:

-terrible inflammation in my joints especially my sacrum and shoulders, neck and spine. has recently moved to my toe and sometimes my kness
-terrible and excruciating muscle spasms in my back, shoulders, right toe and my sacrum
cannot sleep (4-10 hours per a week maybe)
-terrible pain in my right toe (epsom salt seems to help).
terrible constipation (seriously feel like i am gonna die from this)
-ears ringing
-incontinence and trouble urinating
-random fluttering heart palpitations
random twitching of muscles all over the body when i feel like i might have to go to the bathroom (#2)
audible hallucinations (sounds like someone is clapping to boards together right when someone first starts talking. it’s a loiud CRACK! type noise
visual hallucinations – when my dose gets to low to fast (was down to 1/4 mg) the wood panel on the door looked like a conveyer belt moving
feel like my brain is floating outside of my head in the upper right front part.
-my face feels hot while at the same time my body feels cold and my temp drops to 96.3 randomly

the reason i think the clonazepam is causing all this is because i forgot to take a dose a few years a go and as the day went on my muscles loostened up and i could urinate properly. then i realized i forgot to take the dose. so i took the dose immediately and about 20 minutes after taking the dose my ears started ringing, i tried to uirinate and it was difficult again and then about 45 mins later my back muscles spasm’d as well.

so i was’t sure at the time why i felt better and then i missed a dose again and i felt better again – exact same thing as before.

then it happened again and that was when i thought wait.. maybe it is this clonazepam that is making me sick? so i intentionally didn’t take a dose for a couple hours and felt great and then i consciously remembered how i felt before taking the dose compared to afterward and it was apparent that this drug was making me sick all these years.

for the last 20 years i have been on it i have had terrible muscle spasms and i now suspect it has been this all along. can anyone confirm this might be the cause? the doctors cannot figure anything out except when i get too inflamed they give me prednisone which drops the inflammation and then the muscle spams stop.

so i started to taper off it about a year and a half ago and i am having terrible time with this.

can anyone help me with the terrible muscle spams and sleep problems or general advise.

thanks

Unsupervised benzo tapers putting lives at risk

please help me
« on: July 11, 2018, 04:21:25 am »

[Buddie]

ambulance just left my house. was talking to my husband. i felt very dizzy. started to vomit and some stomach cramps. my legs shaking uncontrollably. felt like i was gonna pass out. then the chest pain and arm pain. called 911. ambulance came. ekg ok. blood pressure good. heart rate ok. they told me i was just anxious. didnt recommend i go to er. i literally felt like i was going to die right then and there. i have never felt anything so scary. i am still nauseous and my left arm hurts. about 50 days into my slow klonopin withdrawal. bam! out of nowhere this came. i was decent up until tonight. anyone can reassure? anyone have a nightmarish thing like this? i was feeling like i had to say goodbye to my kids for good. does this mean i should go back up and drop the wean. i cannot go through this every night