This is what antipsychotics (and benzos) can do to you. My story.
« on: December 21, 2017, 05:19:21 pm »
I would like to share my story with you about my psych drugs journey. How they ruined my life, in my best years. I have read a lot about your witnesses and thought i could share my pain too.
English is not my first language, so sorry if i make some mistakes. But i will try to write in a way to not annoy you.
I always have been a social person. I always liked to go out, meeting new people, doing new things. I also always have been a sporty and precise person.
Well… my troubles began to start at the end of 2010. I was rejected from a girl and i felt really bad at the moment, because, like a very young man, you tend to think there are no more girls in the world. Yeah i know, pretty silly thing to say, but i was just 16 years old.
That year, my third year of high school, i struggled a lot. My grades were bad, and i stopped going to school. One day the principal called my mother, telling her i wasn’t going to school anymore. With my father, they brought me to a psychiatrist. Part of this decision was because i was still pretty down for the experience with the girl. But i was feeling better. Now i know that crisis are natural for a human being, and they don’t last forever. Still, my parents wanted to see a psychiatrist, so we went.
I was diagnosed (i’d say misdiagnosed, like 99,9 % of the people that end up in psychiatry) as a depressed schizophrenic. This “doctor” (or better to say legal drug dealer) started to put me in some “medicines” or “supplements”. Nobody ever told me they were psych drugs, neither they were antypsychotics, the worst type of psych drugs a person can take.
I started with 22 drops of Serenase and 50 mg of Clozapine. This was in january 2011. I began to feel tired, losing my focus, my strength. I’d also started to sleep more. With these drugs, i could easily sleep 14 – 15 hours, but it wasn’t a refreshing sleep. I’d wake up, and after 3/4 hours i’d be tired again.
That year of school i failed. I was simply too tired to study, and i started having trouble to concentrate.
At the end of 2011, i started feeling that something was wrong. I started developing some internal fears, that got bigger month by month.
Firstly, i started getting paranoid. Especially on the smallest things. I’d have fear that people were watching me, whispering about me, badmouthing me. I started having fear of being recognized. In public, but especially on the internet. So i quit all my social media. I started to isolate myself more and more, for the fear of other’s judgements. Meanwhile the psychiatrist put me on another AP, Neuleptil. These symptoms got worse and worse. I remember having my mouth full of foam, especially in the morning, (still do, but a lot less) a lot of headache and if i’d miss just a single drop or a pill of these things i couldn’t sleep a minute at nights, an the next day i’d have an extreme nausea and i vomited a lot. I started feeling like a zombie, a paranoid one. And my parents thought i was doing good, just by the words of this “doctor”.
In august 2013, by these drugs, i had a psychotic attack. I couldn’t sleep for a week, due to my high paranoia, anxiety, mania, fear of being recognized and restlessness. So the psychiatrist prescribed be Lormetazepam, and i remember how it knocked me down the first night i took it. I drug-sleeped for like a month, but after that period, all vanished. The side effects of these drugs now were bad as ever. I started going to the gym, because now i was fat as hell, but no matter how much i train or how well i ate, i was always fat. I always had a pot belly that couldn’t go away. (i still have, and that’s another side effect of psych drugs, the insulin resistance). Before taking this crap, i was always ripped/lean.
Sex drive got away. I’m sexually impotent from 2014. Another side effect of these drugs that i hate was the fact i always felt so small and incompetent compared to others. No matter what i’d do or i’d have. I would still feeling small, ugly, a loser, a piece of shit. Feeling that the other is always better. And i’m (i’d say was, after these drugs) a very good looking guy. I’m also almost 6 ft 3.
Knowing that if i continued like this i would just stop living one day, i started tapering off the benzos at the end of 2014. At the end of 2015, i was benzos free, but i was still taking 2 antipsychotics. (i stopped Serenase in 2012)
So i started tapering them in 2016, but got caught from my parents. They brought me again from the “doctor” that added another substance, Seroquel (Quetiapine). By this time, i was almost dead. My mouth was pure foam, i looked like 20 years older, my hair started thinning, i could barely talk and think. The funny thing is, i was adult from 3 years, my parents couldn’t tell me what to do. But with these drugs i was so scared of everyone, I could say yes to everyone. You forget your rights. The fobias were enormous. My legs and my arms now were moving by by themselves, at the gym i liked more the fact of staying in bad shape rather than in good one. Eventually, i quit training. At the and of 2016, i made a promise to myself. I HAVE TO STOP TAKING THESE DRUGS. NO MATTER WHAT. THEY ARE DESTROYING ME. So i started. Secretly again.
With the most recent, till clozapine. It was LIKE HELL. The symptoms were much much worse. But i kept fighting. I stopped tapering in august 5, 2017. I couldn’t deal with the toxicity of these drugs anymore, because they were making my skin problems much worse. So i did a really fast tapering, 5 months. Now i’m in withdrawal from almost 5 months. I’m still living with my drugs symptoms, sometimes even worse. In this withdrawal, i did 25 days of NO SLEEP AT ALL. NOT EVEN A MINUTE.
These days, i’m having really a hard time sleeping, for paranoid thoughts. Mostly i can’t really sleep. Then, in a good day, i’d knock down for some hours. And then the cycle repeat itself. I hope to get better as soon as possible. I’m eating as clean as possible.
But in some ways, i feel a little better. I don’t have that much nausea. Headache is less. Can talk better. But i’m still paranoid and always feeling down. Feeling miserable, without hope. But that’s normal. I’m off only from 5 months after 6 years of this foam. That’s what these drugs have done to me, from 16 to 24 years old. That was my story. The big part is there. I loved to share my pain with you guys. We have to keep fighting. Life can be good for real…i remember how well i felt before this crap. WE HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING. If you wanna share your problems with me, i’m here. We can force us each other.
ps. my parents apologized to me for what they have done. I really appreciated that, but i’m just not ready to forgive them as i’m the middle of this withdrawal.