CRAZYTOWN

I really can’t take this paranoia anymore it’s ruining my life
« on: January 08, 2021, 03:46:36 am »

[Buddie]

Hi everyone. I hope that you all are hanging in there tonight. I am not. The paranoia, which has been probably my worst symptom, is just getting worse and worse. I went to my girlfriend’s house last night after not having seen her for a week. Every little thing she said I felt like she was messing with me, criticizing me and trying to control me and judging me. I ended up getting upset with her over a game of cards. I felt like such a jerk. I don’t feel any love towards her and she just irritates me yet I don’t believe her when she says she loves me and I’m afraid she’s gonna leave me any second. It sucks because just a few days ago all I felt was how much I missed her and loved her. These emotional roller coasters make me feel like I’m bipolar. I feel so scared of everyone. I feel like I don’t wanna be around anyone because I’m so paranoid that everyone thinks I’m crazy or messed up. I feel unlovable and utterly worthless, and like I don’t understand how anyone could wanna have anything to do with me. When she tells me she loves me or friends tell me they love me I just think that they’re full of shit. I don’t believe anyone and I have no feelings except for anger and fear and deep sadness. I don’t feel like I’m in my body ever. I feel like I’m watching myself from up above. What have I become?

Brutal Ashton taper leaves man unable to walk 16 months post-cessation of drug

Can’t walk. This has never happened WTF?
« on: December 26, 2020, 05:55:01 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi everyone. I hope your holidays were OK. I’m actually just happy that they are over. I don’t know what’s going on with me I have never had this happen in benzo withdrawal. I have had difficulty walking and I’ve had pain in my legs and feet and lower back, but not to the point where I actually cannot walk around the block. I mean I can but it’s so damn painful. I was supposed to help my girlfriend do a photo shoot outdoors today and I couldn’t go because I can’t stand on my feet. My right heel feels like there’s an internal bruise, they’re shooting pains going up my legs from my feet, and my lower back is killing me. I’ve been popping ibuprofen like crazy. I’ve been laying in bed since last night, and they were shooting pains in my legs even when I’m not putting any weight on them. My primary care doctor is great. He tells his patients that he can’t believe he actually has one patient that got off of Clonopin. He’s been practicing for 35 years and said that he has never seen one person successfully get off of it. I called him this morning and he called me back. He says he has no idea what it is. He said that some of the symptoms sound like gout but other ones don’t. I wanted to tell him that I think it’s benzo withdrawal, but I don’t want him to think I’m crazy because that seems to be the look I get when ever I offer that is a solution to my physical pain. I’ve read a lot on here about different messed up physical symptoms that people have, and I’m wondering if this particular group of symptoms is something that someone else’s experience. I usually ride my bike and or walk 3 to 5 miles a day. I can’t even walk around the block without being in extreme pain. I have tried to stay physically active throughout my benzo withdrawal, but I’m stuck at home now in bed. I work and have worked full-time throughout withdrawal, and I have never been bed ridden because of physical symptoms and am terrified that I’m actually getting worse 16 months post taper.
Any insight or encouragement would be much appreciated. I’m stuck in bed all day. Thank you.

Electroshock therapy could have cured this person

Updosing. WARNING
« on: December 01, 2020, 06:59:56 pm »

[Buddie]

Updosing . WARNING

I am in such a bad state I see updosing and then micro tapering as the only way I can withstand this.
I got on this roller coaster in 1990 quite innocently and not knowing what I was being given. Got dependent after about 4 weeks and went through hell when stopped suddenly. Was told it was a nervous breakdown. Panic attacks from the withdrawal led to diagnosis of Panic Disorder which they treated with Xanax. Doctor reassured me it was safe. I only realized what happened in 1990 and after was due to Xanax in 2018 when I found information about tolerance withdrawal as I got sick and was looking for answers. I was horrified at my reality.

I decided I had to taper. I started July 2019 using Ashton method and my NP. Crossed from 4mg Xanax to Valium. Psychiatrist wanted to do it too fast plus wanted to give me shock therapy which I didn’t need so I stopped seeing him.

I went through a host of symptoms but tried to be strong. I’m at 12mg Valium and it’s hell. I live alone. Only family in this country are my 2 kids who are 4 hours away. They don’t even call. I am existing on oats and banana smoothie for the last 6 months. I was hoping getting lower I would feel better. I’m not functioning at all. I won’t get into details but it’s very bad. I stopped driving 7 months ago. I’m now trying to get a walker to get to the bathroom and kitchen.

I now think my only way to try again is to updose to a functioning dose and try liquid micro taper. Believe me I have tried, I really have. I know updosing is not ideal but this is unbearable. No good will come of plodding on with no support, crippling symptoms almost 24/7.
I called 911 a week ago. They did ecg which was normal but asked if I wanted to go hospital. They’ve never asked this before so I figured it was covid situation.
ON TOP OF ALL THIS IM DEALING WITH MS DIAGNOSED IN 2013. This is too much for one person with no help and support.

What are your thoughts please?

I live in Ontario Canada and originally from the islands.

Cult women give up everything to remain in Benzo Buddies

Lost my looks, my body....my life!
« on: November 22, 2020, 08:53:26 pm »

[Buddie]

Of all the horrible symptoms we suffer with each day, physical, mental, emotional….what about all this has done to our outward appearances? I used to take care in how I presented myself to the world. Showered daily, sometimes twice, always did my hair and makeup (not to an extreme, just so I could feel confident), dressed nicely, walked with my head up and a smile for everyone I met. Confident in my ability to go up to strangers and start a conversation and feel respected and liked.

Now, two years later I can’t even shower, let alone take care of my hair, looks, body. This has destroyed everything about my outward appearance. I have gone gray, lost so much hair, the texture of my hair is slimy and sticky feeling (even after washing), have gained so much weight from being immobile, my face is all broken out and greasy and the rest of the skin on my body is dry, peeling and looks so old. My eyes look like someone who’s extremely deranged. They have lost their color, I have bags and they are ALWAYS swollen. My eyes were so bright and blue now they are a dull gray without any spark.

I can’t even look anyone in the eye anymore (and I’m talking about my husband and children, since they are the only ones I see because I am housebound). How can I ever go back out into the world like this even if my brain and physical torture gets better? I don’t have hair that I can just pull back in a ponytail because of the extreme loss and texture. I don’t have skin that looks even one bit okay without foundation on. I don’t have any clothes that fit me anymore because of the extreme weight gain. And I have a closet full of beautiful clothing.

The people who have seen me since this terrible injury happened look at me as if I am a disgrace and the kindness and compliments I used to get, even from strangers, has turned into people treating me like I am a castaway.

How, how can I face the world again like this even if I ever heal? I know there has to be others out here who have lost their appearances too. How do we get our self-confidence back when our appearances have been destroyed?

Re: Lost my looks, my body....my life!
« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2020, 10:00:33 pm »

[Buddie]

I have no idea but I feel the same way. I used to be a runner and a gym fanatic, had amazing hair (I’m a hairdresser) and looked pretty good for my age. Now …. wow. I hope I don’t run into people I used to know because I look like I’ve been in a concentration camp. It’s changed the way I look I doubt I’ll ever go back to how I used to look again. But I’ll take that if it means “feeling” normal again. Because when we feel good, we look good. Well as much as someone who has gone thru a massive life changing trauma can look good! I’m sure burns victims wish for this all the time too. When I get down about it I think of them. And then I stop and I’m just greatful for what I do have. X we have a chance at healing and we just have to keep moving towards that goal x

Benzo Buddies members forced to give away belongings, live like hermits, to remain in cult

Giving away belongings
« on: November 13, 2020, 08:26:44 pm »

[Buddie]

I’ve noticed a few people (e.g. Baylissa) who report that they gave away a lot of their belongings while in withdrawal but have little memory of that time. For me, I’ve noticed the urge to get rid of a lot of my stuff – I think it stems from getting easily overwhelmed and wanting to simplify my life. I actually think it’s a good thing because I live in a small apartment with minimal storage space. Benzo withdrawal is helping me realize what I value most in life and most often that is not material objects. I have way too many clothes and was never able to part with them before, but now it comes easy. I plan to clean out my storage unit this weekend!

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2020, 09:19:51 pm »

[Buddie]

Simplifying my life makes me feel good, when I’m distressed I’ll often pick a closet to clean out. I get a feeling of freedom from the weight of too much stuff and those I donate to can benefit as well.

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2020, 03:35:21 am »

[Buddie]

I am doing the same thing. I have never edited so much. Feels great. Feels free.

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2020, 07:08:34 am »

[Buddie]

I have been doing this too. Feels right to be clearing the junk out while clearing meds out of my body. Also makes me want to cut my hair. 😂

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2020, 08:56:49 am »

[Buddie]

I give stuff away all the time but its mostly because I think I’ll never heal or make it through this alive to use them.

Benzo Buddies members ordered not to eat onions

Has anyone had interaction from Onions?
« on: September 09, 2020, 11:05:03 am »

[Buddie]

I have been in tolerence withdrawal not sleeping and I normally dont eat any spices for other health issues. I had onion in my meal and noticed I was knocked out as if it made he klonopin work better in my system. I am concerned because I have become so sesntive that the next day it would put me in intense withdrawals if it is out of my system. I am thinking it must be the onion because that is the only thing I did differently. Just wondering if anyone had this experience with onions?

Re: Has anyone had interaction from Onions?
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2020, 05:38:13 am »

[Buddie]

HI, I had a very weird experience. the other day I was cooking and was making a soup with onions and other spices. I placed the onions first on boiling water and let it for a while, the smell started making me get a horrible headache! big time, and a little bit of nausea.
It’s so weird.

Benzo Buddies kooks offer in-depth help for benzo belly

Benzo Belly help
« on: October 24, 2020, 06:50:26 pm »

[Buddie]

Will be down to 1 and 1/2 V on 11/02/2020. Suddenly, I’m having symptom added that has me bloated. Anyone else have this and if so, what did you do about it? Any suggestions guys?

Re: Benzo Belly help
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2020, 12:38:56 am »

[Buddie]

Bloated as in intestinal flatulence? Yeah, that’s part of Benzo Belly. Avoid fried foods, legumes, cruciforus vegetables (Broccoli, Cauliflower, etc) – basically any food that can cause gas buildup. Buy GasX, Phazyme or generic Simethicone capsules or chewables to relieve buildup. Constipation usually is in tandem with this, so you might need Miralax, Metamucil, Sennakot, generic versions of these, or something to get bowels moving. Eat simple foods, avoid seasonings. Oatmeal, bananas, potatoes, cooked carrots, sweet potatoes, rice. plain chicken, fish, as examples.

“A rude psychiatrist at the hospital forced me on Zoloft”

Face twitching
« on: November 12, 2020, 03:49:57 am »

[Buddie]

Hey guys so I’ve been trying to stay strong and hang in here but it’s so hard. I just keep going somehow but am still recovering. I’m 6 weeks out this Saturday. Just always having different symptoms but the head muscle symptoms are the worst. I’ve been wearing a headband on my head and that has helped a lot but its like my face has a mind of it’s own. I sleep fine and eat fine. Occasionally I get cog fog but coffee helps. I am able to eat healthy and do get days of going out but things feel so terribly hopeless sometimes. I do not know what normal feels like since this hell started 6 months ago. I am a member of surviving antidepressants also but find it hard to concentrate to even fill out my signature. Does this really end and do people fully recover and get to return to a normal life. I hear stories of so many people years out and not yet recovered. It makes me sad. I am having my teeth out next week and getting nitrous oxide which scares me that it might kindle my gaba receptors. I would hate to make things worse. Anxiety wise I do not know what to do. While I am seeing great improvement in that field I do not know if I will manage without anything but I do not think my brain can handle more chemicals. I live at home and have been able to rest because of my family which don’t care if it takes 2 years for me to get better. Hopefully all this cbt will get rid of the anxiety enough that got me here in the first place. I really wanna be able to go back to school… and work out but the most I can manage right now is some cardio. Does this really get better? My dad has gone on and off benzos his whole life easily and I am honestly jealous. He does not take them anymore but takes flexeril. He too had a bad reaction to ssri’s which almost killed him. However he thinks I should try a tricyclic antidepressant because we have many family members who did find with this drug, but they also did fine on benzos. I had an aunt with a klonopin addiction she died very young and ended up on methadone and I am afraid of following her footsteps and ending up an alcoholic or on methadone. Something tells me she did it to supress klonopin withdrawal that a doctor put her on at 19. She also died very young. I do not know what to think anymore. All these people friends and therapists care about me but I feel lost and have lost complete trust in the medical community. I also feel cursed that my body does not tolerate medication when I am so mentally ill. Another part of me is greatful I have time to recover and sleep off years worth of stress hoping that one day I wake up better from both anxiety and withdrawal. I was brutally cold turkeyed off ssris by a very mean doctor who called me crazy when withdrawal started. Then :knowing that I was having an adverse reaction to ssri’s. I ended up having to take a benzo everyday to cope and after a 8 week taper am better then most but clearly still unwell. Thank-you for listening to me rant.

Benzo Buddies members attempt top another suicidal member from going to psych ward

My pulse is 201 off and on 3rd time since 10 pm psyche ward?
« on: November 05, 2020, 11:27:36 am »

[Buddie]

Wha do i do. I quit my last dose of effexor xr 37 mg tapered off with 20 mg tablets on october 6th. was put back on a small dose February 2020 in a psche ward for attempting S. I was also forced on risperdal which i quit in august. About 3 days ago my symptoms have gotten worse. My head started crackling and squeezing more and my brain went even more numb and squeezed like crazy, also my muscle spasms and tightness are worse, my chest is fluttering and very tight. My spine is crushing. And tonight it has happened 3 seperate times. I cant breathe well. I am wobbling and shivering back and forth like crazy. . If i go to a psych ward they will just give me drugs and benzos. But my brain is so numb ativan does not work anymore anyways. They did it to me before n november 2019 and it did not work. Help, my 3rd unbearable attack tonight. Is my brain and body failing? It feels like am dying, i am so weak. I am scared. Dont know what to do.

Re: My pulse is 201 off and on 3rd time since 10 pm psyche ward?
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2020, 12:02:14 pm »

[Buddie]

I want to help you, John, but I don’t know how. Psychiatry has no other cure besides these drugs that led us to this state. The more we took them, the more sick we became.

Re: My pulse is 201 off and on 3rd time since 10 pm psyche ward?
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2020, 12:09:29 pm »

[Buddie]

The worst thing is that both psychiatrists and patients themselves often do not understand that this is not a disease, but comes from their medicines.
Psychotropic drugs are scary things that they do to people. You have a drug disorder, John, caused by chronic brain damage from psychotropic drugs
« Last Edit: November 05, 2020, 12:15:42 pm by [Buddie]

Re: My pulse is 201 off and on 3rd time since 10 pm psyche ward?
« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2020, 08:44:17 pm »

[Buddie]

Yeah, i am about done with all this. I cant take any of this anymore
2 years now and my brain is mush. Cracks, squeezes, itches, spine squeezes, dozens of other side affects. i am losing all hope. . How the heck can you stay positive with all this horrendous , indescribable horror going on with us? the positive people are the ones who get relief and see improvements. I want peace and happiness. I trusted psychiatrists. I was only 15 when i was given effexor xr. Oh, it is safe they said. I was given prozac in the 3rd grade because i kept to myself. What quacks this medical industry is.

Re: My pulse is 201 off and on 3rd time since 10 pm psyche ward?
« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2020, 09:05:24 pm »

[Buddie]

It is indeed an industry of great quackery John. I’ve had it shit in other ways. 21 months for me. It’s still a struggle. Wearing.

The only thing that in any works for me is to roll with it best I can. Acceptance is key for me now. Acceptance coupled with distraction, action, is even better. Sometimes hard for me to do.

You have been on psychotropics since early childhood it makes sense to me that you would feel the way you do. Your brain is trying to recalibrate. Give it time.

Re: My pulse is 201 off and on 3rd time since 10 pm psyche ward?
« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2020, 09:16:52 pm »

[Buddie]

Thanks […]. I am trying. Ever since ECT while going through drug withdrawal i have so much damage, it is ridiculous.