Re: Angry « Reply #19 on: May 06, 2014, 02:24:32 pm »
There is so much on this thread that resonates with me. First the memories of the trauma that can bring on severe symtoms. I was on .5mg of K for 3 years and I reached tolerance, was experiencing lots of panic attacks, big one last Halloween while I was walking with my son to go trick or treating, ambulance had to come and get me the whole 9 yards. My son was so scared. He was bummed that mom had to get sick on the best night of the year, etc. I wanted out. I was so tired of being on this drug that was a misdiagnosed script to begin with! The doctor who prescribed it to me told me to just stop. No big deal, your on a low dose anyway….BOOM all hell broke lose, I went MAD – sent my son to school on the bus and overdosed. Woke up 15 hours later in the ER with my sister crying beside my side, rubbing my back, I didn’t know why I was there. It didn’t work!!!! The meds where screwing with my mind so bad I just wanted to die. I bit through the IV, blood all over my face, the bed, screaming at the nurses…I was of course sent to the phych ward for 2 weeks. My poor son scared to death, where is my mommy?????? His dad died the previous year…the docs experimented with me like a lab rat, this drug, that drug…it was pure hell. They kept chasing every ssri or something else with ativan to calm me down. I suggested just the ativan and nothing else…I became stable and when I was able to go home I was sick, depressed, crying all the time, shaking, every symtom we have all read about over and over. After the uptenth time visit to the hospital a nurse practitioner took one look at me and said you are on the wrong medication, we need to get you off. THANK GOD FOR HER. She is still helping with my taper…
Point to my story is when I think about that day I OD I cry, the years that have been stolen from my life, all the pain and suffering, my son. I lost the love of my life in this benzo w/d, he left me last week. He just can’t deal. He doesn’t know what part of this is the real me or the drugs…we didn’t have a lot time together before I started benzo. Some will say I’m better off and maybe…but I’ll never know if I was healthy how we could have been together because I can’t forgive him for leaving me when I needed him most. But I wouldn’t be this sick if it wasn’t for the benzos!!!!! Is this my cross to bare? Why me? Why you? Why all of us? Im so tired of telling my son, I can’t mommy is sick. Boy does he hear that a lot. I can’t wait to be able to do more with him. He sees me when I am well and we do so much together, I try to make up for lost time in those moments.
I’m sorry if I got off track. But benzo free. YES we are all heading in that direction. I can’t wait but know I have to be patient. I know that it will be hard years after I jump. I just got the common cold this week and THAT alone caused a seriously bad wave for days. very bad. just from a cold. SO SAD. Will I ever be normal again? What is normal? I was so healthy before benzos….it angers me so.
Cheers to us all for being strong, brave and riding the hellish wave together.
Love and healing to us all.