FLICKO THE SICKO

Flick was a rather colorful member of benzowithdrawal.com and benzobuddies.org (he would lated be banned). As readers can see, from his cannabis-fueled ramblings below, Flick was crazy, and deeply involved in cults, long before he ever took a benzo, or heard of Ashton…

Nice post NC it’s good to feel that connection with Spirit, wherever it comes from. Personally maybe I will get into a bit of “head” stuff here myself, since I am a man after all. I find it interesting that the three biggest teachers in my life of spirituality died in the past year. Maharishi, Sri Chinmoy, and Adi Da. I learned the TM thing when I was 22 and strung out on hard drugs and could not quit them. The TM worked for me. I did it for years. Now there is a lot of controversy around Maharishi too, like maybe he approache Mia Farrow sexually, but that has pretty much been debunked now. Certainly there has been a kind of “cult” grown up around him and the “yogic flying” seems pretty silly. Still TM saved my life and Maharishi and his teachings have been very beneficial to many. I can’t find fault with his ideal of “world peace” through the vehicle of many people meditating. Now it is is easy for the doubt mind to debunk anything “spiritual” and always throw out the baby with the bath water.

When I was a young ballet dancer in New York, I went to an intro with Sri Chinmoy and this was my first experience of a transmission guru. I felt an intense descending light and bliss in his personal company and also meditatiing on his photo. I became a disciple and wore all white and tried to be celibate and hung out with Carlos Santana and John McGlauphlin who were also disciples. Now I could not handle the sort of strictness with that guru and the two musicians also left in their own time, but that does not devalue Sri Chinmoy or his group in any way. he was very respected in the United Nations did some cool yogic tricks with lifting weights and so forth. His transmission was very real and quite blissful also. Also is was pretty cultic around him , as it always is around a charismatic transmission guru. people like to feel blissful.

I came across Adi Da in 1975 in New York when I heard “Garbage and the Goddess” on WBAI radio “IN the Spirit” by lex Hixon. I had a bad flu and was so moved by Da’s laughter, that I had a sudden and spontaneous lifting of the flu. I read the KOL and saw a “A diffiicult Man” and went to California to join the community. This was the only time I have every felt actual transmission from a book. I felt it in all of Adi Da’s books. For most people, including myself, a relationship with Adi Da is a mixed bag. I felt incredible light and clear and conscious bliss and also states of non separation or “non duality” around him just like he always described in his books. There was always a hard edge to being a disciple of his though. And a certain sort of “darkness” , but I would not necessarily say it is the community’s darkness or Adi Da’s darkness. We all have our dark side and I tend toward depression and fear myself. This is a pretty weird life. Of course Adi Da was not your usual teacher or guru. I know people who were around him in the inner stuff and some feel bad about it and others feel just fine. I never was around the inner stuff and only got the “trickle down” Some people say they were hurt. I don’t know any of them personally except for a couple ahnd they are both still very angry. So everyone who was ever with Adi Da is still trying to figure the whole thing out. many play the “gotcha” game and he is easy to play this game with because of his controversial activities. I think it is a good thing to call out abuses in any arena , whether it be political or spiritual. I would say that George Bush has dwarfed any guru in history with his abuse of the whole world . So is goes round and round and we always feel abused by life itself. But Adi Da has passed now, and people are still so angry that they are beating a dead corpse. Wow I would check out this anger thing.

I am pretty versed in the Traditions since I have studied extensively in Buddhism and under Tibetan lamas and also zen and vipassana. These are real practicing schools. I have never been much attracted to the Ramana lineage myself , partially because it can be pretty mental and I have seen the circus that Poonjaji created by creating all these mini gurus like Andrew Cohen and Gangaji, both of which I have seen and I feel to be real “talking school” so to speak, Just my opinion and preference,

But many love Ramana Maharshi and also Sri Nisardagatta and I respect that for their practice with their teachings. There is certainly and incredible radiance coming off the photos of Ramana and this is not to be discounted. I feel that your really can tell something about a teacher by their photo. This is an intuitive matter and not a mental one.

I have also spent quite a bit of tiime around Ammachi , the hugging saint, and there is a very strong transmission with her too. Of course, many people debunk her too. And certainly it is somewhat “cultic” around her. So what .

I gave lots of money to Adi Dam and to Adi Da personally although it was all underground. I am pretty broke now , but i do not regret it . I felt good about it at the time and felt like i was doing some good with my money rather than hoarding something that never really belongs to you to start with. Generosity is a founding principle of Buddhism. Money comes and goes, and we are closer to death every moment, Flick Rahke

https://nonduality.org/2008/11/28/adi-da-is-dead/#comment-1175

RAHKE’S RAMBLINGS REVISITED

Flick

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #210 on: Today at 01:03:10 PM »

He detests plenty of others here besides befuddled, Carl and me .  funny how much Zoe posts and sounds like Mike 59{although I know she is not a sock}  Mike posts about others here{not much about Zoe to speak of though, now that is amusing} he will have a riot with this thread with people talking about him though, being  a “legend in his own mind”   So , yes , his influence was so dark on this forum , that the echo and stench is still carrying through some, esp. since he copies and pastes a lot here on his own silly blog .  “C”[Mike that is} does all the childlike art work.

Not sure why I would be “one of the most hated ” here.  except maybe by screamin mimi and Zoe because I worked so hard and long to expose the truth of the trolling and troll here.  I would say the place is a heck of a lot more peaceful now, except for a lingering sock here and there stirring up some silly arguments over herbs and vitamins and so forth.

it is a truth and a fact that Zoe was one of the most vociferous and main supporters of the troll Mike 59 and his trolling activities here. if that makes me hated for pointing out the truth, then so be it.  You can’t be loved by all the people all the time.  Zoe has said that she would always back Mikey up, “no matter what”   sheesh, stop backing him up already now.

The real fact of the matter about all of this, is that a very hugely negative thing happened on this forum over a very extended period of time that hurt several people , many of whom are gone now.  that was the dark trolling and lying and deception of Mike 59.   No one believed me when I pointed it out for many a long months.   I was constantly attacked , not only by the troll , but also by his “friends”   , the sock puppets “C”, “James” and “Mark 49” and also by some of the women supporters and enablers like Zoe{the main one} and also Screaming Mimi and Louisa to a lesser degree.  {Louisa yes was a huge supporter of Mike 59}

Some people certainly do have selective or just poor memories.    By the way, I have given the original poster, Duneplanet ,  some support and the best advice I know on this thread. I did not hijack the thread at all.    The troll did.   he is still active after all is said and done.  Flick


on 1.25mg klon 2 years crossed to 25mg val been tapering 9 months down to 13 and suffering my butt off cutting .5mg every 12 to 14 days down to 11mg. had a good 2 months of less depression and more energy crashing again now  sedation and depression back plus fear and anxiety lots of fun now at 6mg using liquid daily titration and doing much better at 5 now and holding due to sx 1.5mg and cutting .5mg a month done in 3 or 4 more months .3mg now done in 5 weeks  finished taper of 2.5 years on Nov 23 08  am four months off and in the process of healing yet

Befuddled

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #211 on: Today at 01:06:36 PM »

Quote from: zoe123 on Today at 12:42:44 PM

Jim, i hope you Carl and Flick are happy. 

You have become the 3 most hated posters on this forum.

My 80year old father is my main concern right now.

You have made this beloved forum the laughing stock of the benzo community.

You 3 have proven that it is acceptable to use this forum as a place to destroy and hurt people.

You have exceeded the nastiness and down right dirtiness of your so called torturer.  It will not be forgotten soon, by anyone here.  You got your pound of flesh, enjoy it.

I see clearly now why mike59 has ear marked the three of you as people to detest.  You all must be so proud.

And how do you thing we liked you enabling the detestable stuff that Mike59 did here? Instead of apologizing for supporting him, you are trying to paint us as villains.  that is unfair, Zoe. If you avoid starting drama, I will be more than happy to not speak up. I came to this forum in June, and almost right away Mike 59 , you and a few others ganged up on me.  If you show me you are different, I will be glad to accept that .  I am friendly by nature, and this petty arguing increases my anxiety.But, I , unlike you am not over the wd yet.  I need this place, jsut like I have since June when I found myself attacked by the troll Mike59, and you and several troll enablers. JIM


Many years of prescribed benzos, used for insomnia.
Last benzo use, around  April 26, 2010.
Got off by dry cutting fairly fast from 1 mg of ativan.
Not a doctor or health care person. Just offering friendly advice based on personal experiences.  Good luck, all my forum friends.  JIM

zoe123

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #212 on: Today at 01:09:57 PM »

this is all paranoid dellusion on both your parts.

all of it.

you are both very sick

i feel sorry for you.


Klonopin 6 plus years.. Up to 4mgs.  Dry cut to 2mgs, water titrated to 1.5mgs, cross to 30mgs of valium, sick, cut to 17.5 mgs sick, updosed to 20mgs, sick.  Detox 9days.  Off Nov27th 2009.  Not sick anymore
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.  ERAshton Manual  http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/bzcha03.htmWater Titraiton Method  http://benzowithdrawal.com/forum/index.php?topic=11.0http://www.benzodocs.com/converter.php?act=convert“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.”
Carl Gustav Jung quote

Heather

 

 

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #213 on: Today at 01:37:33 PM »

Zoe does not deserve this.  Stop it.

Reinstated ’07 after cold-turkeyed by doctor from 2 mgs Klonopin. Previously other doctors wreaked havoc with me re the benzos.  Began tapering from 41 mgs valium Sept ’07.  Benzo free 9 April ’09.   Tramadol free 20 Sept ’09, drug free.   Strong withdrawal symptoms.

Not a doctor, not qualified to give medical advice.

Ashton Manual   http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/contents.htm
Titration   http://benzowithdrawal.com/forum/index.php?topic=11.0
http://benzowithdrawal.com/forum/index.php?action=tpmod;dl

Flick
Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #214 on: Today at 01:42:14 PM »

Wow, Zoe is either in outer space  or just in “denial”   I won’t say “liar” though   So “Mike 59”,   “C” , “James”  and other socks are all “paranoid delusions” of mine.   uh sure thing.  that is EXACTLY what Mike 59 has always said.  Yep paranoid delusions.  it never happened none of it.   just a figment of my imagination.  now who is really “sick” here? not me.      Flick      Your buddy Screaming Mimi used to say the same hooey too.   talk about mean spirited.   but the truth can’t just be swept under the carpet like Zoe would like to do

Sure she deserves it is she keeps lying through her teeth like this.   to say nothing ever happened here and that it is all a paranoid delusion of mine is beyond lying. it is the sick stuff. perhaps you could go over to mike’s wordpress blog, Heather, and see what kind of fun he is having with yu and your husband, eh? so it never happened? sure thing.  I am not the delusional liar here  so sorry


on 1.25mg klon 2 years crossed to 25mg val been tapering 9 months down to 13 and suffering my butt off cutting .5mg every 12 to 14 days down to 11mg. had a good 2 months of less depression and more energy crashing again now  sedation and depression back plus fear and anxiety lots of fun now at 6mg using liquid daily titration and doing much better at 5 now and holding due to sx 1.5mg and cutting .5mg a month done in 3 or 4 more months .3mg now done in 5 weeks  finished taper of 2.5 years on Nov 23 08  am four months off and in the process of healing yet

duneplanet

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #215 on: Today at 01:50:59 PM »

this topic needs to be closed its giving me a panic attack. ive gotten barely any helpful info and I now know that this site really just seems to be quite unhelpful.(with a few exceptions) thanks

“Why should you want any other
When you’re a world within a world?”Elliott Smithbeen addicted to klonopin when I was 17 for 2 years. healed completely and used benzos a few times a month with no problems after 2 years. got addicted again june 2010, 1 mg of ativan. tapered in july and hopped off .25 valium at the end of september 2010. still wi thdrawing but hoping this withdrawl wont take as long cause I was only on for 3 months.

ForeverTense

 

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #216 on: Today at 01:53:34 PM »

Quote from: zoe123 on Today at 01:09:57 PM

this is all paranoid dellusion on both your parts.

all of it.

you are both very sick

i feel sorry for you.

And how do you thing we liked you enabling the detestable stuff that Mike59 did here? Instead of apologizing for supporting him, you are trying to paint us as villains.  that is unfair, Zoe. If you avoid starting drama, I will be more than happy to not speak up. I came to this forum in June, and almost right away Mike 59 , you and a few others ganged up on me.  If you show me you are different, I will be glad to accept that .  I am friendly by nature, and this petty arguing increases my anxiety.But, I , unlike you am not over the wd yet.  I need this place, jsut like I have since June when I found myself attacked by the troll Mike59, and you and several troll enablers.  JIM

She likes it Jim. She loves the drama man..Flick has hit the nail right on the head. This is why she hates Flick so much. She knows what he says is the truth and and so do many others. I found this out many months ago when I stopped posting to her blog. Yeah, Mike is still here undercover and he will be here for some time to come but he has to stay in stealth mode to avoid detection. I will admit the forum is a lot more peaceful now with the Mike59 moniker under lock and key. Mike is even bragging @ wordpress about still being here and posting on blogs and other areas of the forum. He is the biggest internet troll I have ever encountered. You will likely never see another one like him again. He is sort of a legend I suppose.
–carl


ForeverTense

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #217 on: Today at 01:56:47 PM »

Quote from: Flick on Today at 01:42:14 PM

Wow, Zoe is either in outer space  or just in “denial”   I won’t say “liar” though   So “Mike 59”,   “C” , “James”  and other socks are all “paranoid delusions” of mine.   uh sure thing.  that is EXACTLY what Mike 59 has always said.  Yep paranoid delusions.  it never happened none of it.   just a figment of my imagination.  now who is really “sick” here? not me.      Flick      Your buddy Screaming Mimi used to say the same hooey too.   talk about mean spirited.   but the truth can’t just be swept under the carpet like Zoe would like to do

Sure she deserves it is she keeps lying through her teeth like this.   to say nothing ever happened here and that it is all a paranoid delusion of mine is beyond lying. it is the sick stuff. perhaps you could go over to mike’s wordpress blog, Heather, and see what kind of fun he is having with yu and your husband, eh? so it never happened? sure thing.  I am not the delusional liar here  so sorry

Yeah, he is really doing a # on Heather over there.
–carl


Befuddled
Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #218 on: Today at 02:07:25 PM »

Quote from: ForeverTense on Today at 01:53:34 PM
Quote from: zoe123 on Today at 01:09:57 PM

this is all paranoid dellusion on both your parts.

all of it.

you are both very sick

i feel sorry for you.

And how do you thing we liked you enabling the detestable stuff that Mike59 did here? Instead of apologizing for supporting him, you are trying to paint us as villains.  that is unfair, Zoe. If you avoid starting drama, I will be more than happy to not speak up. I came to this forum in June, and almost right away Mike 59 , you and a few others ganged up on me.  If you show me you are different, I will be glad to accept that .  I am friendly by nature, and this petty arguing increases my anxiety.But, I , unlike you am not over the wd yet.  I need this place, jsut like I have since June when I found myself attacked by the troll Mike59, and you and several troll enablers.  JIM

She likes it Jim. She loves the drama man..Flick has hit the nail right on the head. This is why she hates Flick so much. She knows what he says is the truth and and so do many others. I found this out many months ago when I stopped posting to her blog. Yeah, Mike is still here undercover and he will be here for some time to come but he has to stay in stealth mode to avoid detection. I will admit the forum is a lot more peaceful now with the Mike59 moniker under lock and key. Mike is even bragging @ wordpress about still being here and posting on blogs and other areas of the forum. He is the biggest internet troll I have ever encountered. You will likely never see another one like him again. He is sort of a legend I suppose.
–carl

Yes, It would really be very hard to imagine a bigger forum troll.  I suppose those who had a need to vent behind the troll felt safe as long as he ran the show here.  Now the game’s over for now, with that kind of lying and attacking.  I offered the olive branch to Zoe, but she does not want to accept that.  I think she really resents us standing up to the big troll, and his subsequent banishment from this forum.  The serpent was cast out of the garden.  Now he is angry, and writhing in impotent rage, taking cheap potshots at those he formerly attacked on the forum.  If Zoe and others want to rewrite history about Mike59 and how others here helped him attack, they can .  That is their revision of true history.  As far as the Mike59 troll activity it is still here.  he has several sock accounts and a few people who want to impress Mike59 left for whatever reason.  Mikey you are an impotent little troll, and this place is better for being free of the name brand Mike59.  It will take a long time to build up another persona of that dimension here.  Sock puppets lie CharR and M49 don’t hack it.


Many years of prescribed benzos, used for insomnia.
Last benzo use, around  April 26, 2010.
Got off by dry cutting fairly fast from 1 mg of ativan.
Not a doctor or health care person. Just offering friendly advice based on personal experiences.  Good luck, all my forum friends.  JIM

Julie51

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #219 on: Today at 02:08:43 PM »

Quote from: zoe123 on Today at 04:24:13 AM

no flick it was not he who called my parents,  i know who it was

you would be surprised, good try,

i do not know what you are talking about,  me being attacked, enabling trolls etc etc

you all need to grow up,  you guys are sick beyond words,

you are making everyone here miserable

Julie apologized to me via pm,   but she could not bring herself to do it publically,  i dont’ get it.  what is wrong with all of you.

Zoe, please don’t say that “I couldn’t bring myself to apologize publicly.” You Pmed me that I hurt your feelings and I pmed back, “I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.” End of story.  I was simply answering your PM. Do you want me to say publicly that I am sorry you feel hurt? Ok, I’ll say it. I am sorry you feel hurt.  But frankly, what did I do personally to hurt you? Please copy and paste my “hurtful” comments because I reread everything I wrote on this thread and can’t find one hurtful comment I made to you or to anyone else here. I feel I am very diplomatic in my posts. I did disagree (politely, I feel) with Mark, but I never said anything cruel or mean.
Anytime anyone tells me I hurt their feelings, I always apologize. I don’t like people to be hurt, especially if I did something to cause it. But please be fair, What did I really do or say that was hurtful? If anyone out there can find a mean post of mine in the public forum,  I would like to know about it.

I make it my policy to try to disagree with people on the issues without attacking someone personally. Please, please copy and paste my “hurtful” post to you. I am dying to read it because I simply can’t find it and doubt it exists.


prescribed 3 mg ativan in Aug. 2008/tapered off ativan by Oct. 6, 2008. Became dependent on ambien between Nov, 15, 2008 and Jan. 20, 2009. Dropped the ambien and switched to valium on Jan. 20, 2009. Tapered off valium over three months and became benzo free on April 22, 2009.

Befuddled

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #220 on: Today at 02:14:51 PM »

Quote from: ForeverTense on Today at 01:56:47 PM
Quote from: Flick on Today at 01:42:14 PM

Wow, Zoe is either in outer space  or just in “denial”   I won’t say “liar” though   So “Mike 59”,   “C” , “James”  and other socks are all “paranoid delusions” of mine.   uh sure thing.  that is EXACTLY what Mike 59 has always said.  Yep paranoid delusions.  it never happened none of it.   just a figment of my imagination.  now who is really “sick” here? not me.      Flick      Your buddy Screaming Mimi used to say the same hooey too.   talk about mean spirited.   but the truth can’t just be swept under the carpet like Zoe would like to do

Sure she deserves it is she keeps lying through her teeth like this.   to say nothing ever happened here and that it is all a paranoid delusion of mine is beyond lying. it is the sick stuff. perhaps you could go over to mike’s wordpress blog, Heather, and see what kind of fun he is having with yu and your husband, eh? so it never happened? sure thing.  I am not the delusional liar here  so sorry

Yeah, he is really doing a # on Heather over there.
–carl

Yes, and it is a crying shame , Carl.  Heather is a very nice intelliget lady who has helped many on this forum.   JIM


Many years of prescribed benzos, used for insomnia.
Last benzo use, around  April 26, 2010.
Got off by dry cutting fairly fast from 1 mg of ativan.
Not a doctor or health care person. Just offering friendly advice based on personal experiences.  Good luck, all my forum friends.  JIM

Flick

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #221 on: Today at 02:19:36 PM »

Quote from: duneplanet on Today at 01:50:59 PM
this topic needs to be closed its giving me a panic attack. ive gotten barely any helpful info and I now know that this site really just seems to be quite unhelpful.(with a few exceptions) thanks

Sorry, Duneplanet.  I think yu know what you have to do to help yourself the best you can anyhow. What you are going through and will still go through for some time to come is very hard and frustrating, since nothing seems to help much. but I bet if you can stay off the benzos and just maintain the best you can, you will get better   /

Here is a good example .  A wonderful British woman , who was a very long time member here and poster , was “mentally ill” and on many psyche drugs for many years , something like 20. I mean harsh psyche drugs besides just benzos. she got off benzos and all the other drugs too eventually and went through a long period of pain and fear and difficulty and eventually has healed up. she does not post anymore , but her last posts over the last months she was here were great.  she has been off ALL drugs for years now and is happy and doing well.  See what you have to look forward too if you hang in there and stay strong?  and you are still young yet. she was much much older when she started on this hard journey.

Don’t worry about this thread either.  anytime anyone starts posting anything about any natural approach to healing , the troll or one of his fake people attacks it and tries to destroy the thread.   it has been going on for a long time here now. try not to pay any attention{hard I know} /  just do what you think is best for you.  Flick


on 1.25mg klon 2 years crossed to 25mg val been tapering 9 months down to 13 and suffering my butt off cutting .5mg every 12 to 14 days down to 11mg. had a good 2 months of less depression and more energy crashing again now  sedation and depression back plus fear and anxiety lots of fun now at 6mg using liquid daily titration and doing much better at 5 now and holding due to sx 1.5mg and cutting .5mg a month done in 3 or 4 more months .3mg now done in 5 weeks  finished taper of 2.5 years on Nov 23 08  am four months off and in the process of healing yet

Befuddled

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #222 on: Today at 02:21:21 PM »

Quote from: Julie51 on Today at 02:08:43 PM
Quote from: zoe123 on Today at 04:24:13 AM

no flick it was not he who called my parents,  i know who it was

you would be surprised, good try,

i do not know what you are talking about,  me being attacked, enabling trolls etc etc

you all need to grow up,  you guys are sick beyond words,

you are making everyone here miserable

Julie apologized to me via pm,   but she could not bring herself to do it publically,  i dont’ get it.  what is wrong with all of you.

Zoe, please don’t say that “I couldn’t bring myself to apologize publicly.” You Pmed me that I hurt your feelings and I pmed back, “I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.” End of story.  I was simply answering your PM. Do you want me to say publicly that I am sorry you feel hurt? Ok, I’ll say it. I am sorry you feel hurt.  But frankly, what did I do personally to hurt you? Please copy and paste my “hurtful” comments because I reread everything I wrote on this thread and can’t find one hurtful comment I made to you or to anyone else here. I feel I am very diplomatic in my posts. I did disagree (politely, I feel) with Mark, but I never said anything cruel or mean.
Anytime anyone tells me I hurt their feelings, I always apologize. I don’t like people to be hurt, especially if I did something to cause it. But please be fair, What did I really do or say that was hurtful? If anyone out there can find a mean post of mine in the public forum,  I would like to know about it.
I make it my policy to try to disagree with people on the issues without attacking someone personally. Please, please copy and paste my “hurtful” post to you. I am dying to read it because I simply can’t find it and doubt it exists.

See what we’ve been up against? Zoe plants these mysterious hints of something going on , that seem to exist only in her mind.  I like Zoe, and wish her well, but she seems to be addicted to high drama.  Is she fooling herself or trying to fool others?   That remains an open question , as far as I’m concerned.      JIM


Many years of prescribed benzos, used for insomnia.
Last benzo use, around  April 26, 2010.
Got off by dry cutting fairly fast from 1 mg of ativan.
Not a doctor or health care person. Just offering friendly advice based on personal experiences.  Good luck, all my forum friends.  JIM

Mark49

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #223 on: Today at 02:22:07 PM »

Quote from: Heather on Today at 01:37:33 PM
Zoe does not deserve this.  Stop it.

I was on 14 mg valium equiv. in September 2009. I quit c/t ativan, valium, ambien, lunesta, and 5 other drugs for insomnia. Entered into living hell for 6 days! I then reinstated/crossed over to 5 mg liquid diazepam. That was too low, I did not know any better, and then I cut too fast down to 4.5 mg in 6 days-don’t do this!
I jumped from .14 mg V on August 2, 2010. I cut .12 every 7 days. I tapered for 40 weeks. FREEDOM!!!!“Physicians pour drugs of which they know little to cure diseases of which they know less, into humans of whom they know nothing.” Voltaire (1694-1778)

duneplanet

Re: best supplements for sleep?
« Reply #224 on: Today at 02:24:10 PM »

this is all truly pathetic I mean who gives a s**t a lot of us are losing our f**king minds and going into psychosis and everyones perpetuating this petty drama crap.the point of this topic was to get help for sleep cause im going crazy and you people really arent helping anymore

just saw your post flick thank you/ that gives me some hope. I wish i never got into this pharmacuitcal mess I woyuld have eventually learned to cope on my o wn. I could have easily survived on kava kava and kratom everyday, maybe some p henibut a few tiems a week but I had to trust doctors and get put on all this crap that i cant get off. Sometimes I feel like i should just go back on benzos cause it really doesnt matter. the typing is so lud that it hurts my ears. i need sleep


“Why should you want any other
When you’re a world within a world?”Elliott Smithbeen addicted to klonopin when I was 17 for 2 years. healed completely and used benzos a few times a month with no problems after 2 years. got addicted again june 2010, 1 mg of ativan. tapered in july and hopped off .25 valium at the end of september 2010. still wi thdrawing but hoping this withdrawl wont take as long cause I was only on for 3 months.

What happened to Grizzle?

Grizzle – Journal of a Laboratory Rat
« on: January 30, 2011, 11:34:46 AM »

grizzle

43 year-old White male, 6′ 1″, 220 lbs. (all that may be relevant). Was on klonopin, 1 mg, 20/month at first and eventually brought up to 30/ month. total time on klonopin 13 months. Ambien, maybe 7 months, 10 mg, again, 20 at first and 30/month later. Hit tolerance WD halfway through, began having extremely vivid dreams, paranoid thoughts, stomach growling, began on morphine sulfate for WD effects some months ago (I had no idea of the severity or duration of benzo WDs), became addicted. Up to 180 mg/day (lethal oral dose for 200 lb. male in good health is 240). Drank two months, liqueurs. Quit everything cold turkey about two weeks ago, stayed off four days, had some symptoms of benzo WDs, total sleeplessness, arms ached, lower abdominal pain, extreme sensory acuity – all senses. I had already switched to temazepam 15 mg/day shortly before attempting cold turkey. Reinstated to get over that experience before attempting taper. Not advocating reinstatement for others).

Warning – don’t read below if suicide particularly bothers you.

History – Had severe convulsions in first five years, some febrile, some not. Fevers up to and including 108 F. Was prescribed Phenytoin at age five. One week later went from normal happy child to brooding loner child. Agoraphobia and autism-like symptoms presented. Cerebellar atrophy is acknowledged side effect of Phenytoin (Dilantin). The cerebellum is a center of socialization reward and the inhibitor of the amygdala (brain parts that mediate fear and aggression). Reduced cerebellar volume implicated in autism. I could read and comprehend college biology texts at age 9 (gifts from aunt). At age 12, tested as having sophomore college reading level. Suggested by three teachers for participation in MENSA group. IQ never tested. I got by through imitating the behavior of others, and just holding it in. School was living hell. Last two years of high school, went to trade school due to relaxed atmosphere. Learned machining.

At age 18, due to termination of love relationship, had nervous breakdown, didn’t sleep for 14 days. Self-inflicted gunshot wound with 10% liver damage. Major abdominal surgery, doctor punished me for suicide attempt by withholding pain medication for four hours after awakening. First contact with mental health profession shortly after. Prescribed Elavil. Side effects, wore sunglasses indoors, urinary urgency and frequency and retention. Ran air conditioner in winter.

Attempted suicide with Elavil OD. Stopped Elavil without incident some months later.

At age 33 had surgery for abdominal adhesions resultant from first surgery. April 2001, due to troubles with mate, lost home, belongings, and 27 small animal pets. And more. Fortunately did not become homeless between then and now. Had various suicide attempts (acetaminophen, diphenhydramine+ dextromethorphan powder, ethylene glycol). Failed. Was in coma for three days after diphenhydramine + dextromethorphan OD. Hanged self from bridge in Oct of 2005. Rope broke and I fell 25 feet. Had non-displaced fracture of C2 vertebrae, healed without incident. Was prescribed (and pretended to take) various psych meds until I felt comfortable asking for what I thought was safer – low strength benzo (see above). On mental disability five years, diagnosis: bipolar (incorrect, no cycling, situational response), agoraphobia panic disorder.

Saga of the Ponderosa: Manslaughter guilty verdict forces prison cold turkey

Waner drove out of Reno
headed back to the Ponderosa
loaded on pills and booze
f-u-n times
had a little, err trouble, driving
and crash! like that
He killed someone, someone innocent
did three years in the pen
Xanax cold turkey
hallucinated he was living in the Bonanza TV show
yeah
got out of the pen
wasted what was left of his life
then died
life's a gas
RIP
Re: Jon in California
« on: March 15, 2007, 02:03:23 am »

Jon

Quote from: nixnay on March 12, 2007, 11:51:52 PM

Hey, J.W., I think you think like a snuggly ole bear. lololol. or a little puppy dog, what do you think liz?

hey, jon, can you tell us all how you came out of your c/t? it is rather amazing! I think it is rather inspiring and may give some of us who have been off for a while some hope. you might have to make a song out of it just like Johnny Cash. lol.

Quote from: dave on March 13, 2007, 11:54:00 AM
Quote from: Jon in California on March 13, 2007, 11:24:46 AM
Hi Everyone.

Jay, I’ll be happy to relate the HELL I went through for 8 mos. getting off the Xanax. I’ll do it tonight after I get home, Savvy?

Y’all have a nice day

I’d really like to hear your story as well.

Thanks

Dave

OK, I’ll try to give you the short version. (LOL, It won’t be short).

After I took the plea bargain (I didn’t really have a choice), it was about 9 mos. ’till I had to show up for the sentencing. The judge told me to get my “affairs” in order because I was going straight from the courtroom to jail.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I thought the state put you as close to your house as possible to allow for visiting…. Wrong! They put you anywhere in the state system that has “bed space”. I also thought that the judge could order the continuation of my meds…. Wrong again! Once you’re in prison, they “OWN” you.

I spent 3 days in the county jail before I was transferred to state prison. They did keep me on my Xanax there.

When the prison bus showed up I had papers from my doctor telling them what I was on and how much per day. Before I got on the bus I was strip searched and the guards told me I couldn’t take ANYTHING with me… They tore up my doctors papers.

First they took me to DVI in Tracy (a prison referred to as “gladiator school” because of the number of stabbings). That’s where I was “processed”. I was given an orange jump suit, 3 feet of toilet paper and a blanket. Then I was thrown in a cell. The next day I was taken to the prison “doctor”. He asked me if I had any medical problems so I told him about the Xanax. He said that I wasn’t going to get any there. I was already starting to have w/d symptoms… The doctor saw me for about 30 seconds and sent me back to my cell… 3 days later, I couldn’t even walk. The guards said, “you don’t walk, you don’t eat”…. I kept writing notes to the warden and sending letters to the wife asking her to contact the judge who sentenced me and see if he could do something…. I never got any mail back. (I later learned that the staff does this to EVERY new convict as a “game”. They hold the mail for about a month before you get it)..

About a week into this, I started hallucinating (auditory and visual), I thought I was on the Ponderosa (Bonanza) and was standing in line waiting to get my $0.25 for the days work… I knew where I REALLY was but it seemed real to me.

I hadn’t eaten in about 2 weeks by then and couldn’t stand up. The guards just laughed and said, “looky here, we got ourselves another nut”.

I finally got a reply from the judge saying that he had spoken to the warden, was told that I was getting “appropriate” medical care and not to contact him again. I also got a paper signed by the prison shrink saying that I’d been “evaluated” by him and was appropriate for “Mainline” placement. (General population)… I had never seen the guy.

I was “wired for sound”, couldn’t eat or sleep and really thought I was going to die. The guy in the cell next to mine didn’t get into his cell fast enough for the guards liking so he was thrown in by the guard. This kid was 24 yrs. old and had severe asthma. His inhaler was crushed when the cell door was slammed on him. His cell-mate was screaming, “Man down, man down!!!!” No-one came. They found him dead in the cell the next morning…. I guarantee you that his family wasn’t told the REAL reason for his death… Everyone around him was either shipped to another prison or moved out of the cell-block.

By this time I had been there about 2 and a half weeks… Oh yeah, I also got a copy of my medical “examination”… Gee, it had a blood pressure reading on it as well as a negative TB test, heart rate, Etc… NONE of these tests were ever done.

21 days in and I was just fading in and out, laying on the floor and my cell-mate told me that I’d had several seizures (I don’t remember that). I was starting to pee blood and told one of the guards who said he’d tell the doctor. I guess he forgot.

26 days in and I was carried out onto the tier by my cell-mate, who dropped me on the floor and told a guard that I was “sick”…. They took me to the prison hospital and was told that I had kidney stones and my kidneys were shutting down… The doctor tried to get me into an outside hospital… An associate warden who’s name was Schmidt said that I’d written too many letters and they didn’t want any outside institutions to know what was happening…. They put a lot of saline solution into me, shot me up with Morphine and sent me back to my cell. The warden ordered the staff to bring me 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches a day. By this time, I didn’t even remember my name.

I’d try to eat, throw up, eat some more, throw up again and so on… Then I went before the “classification committee”. They decide your custody status and what kind of job you’ll be assigned to… They took one look at me and transferred me to Vacaville (CMF), another prison as a “cat-J” (Mental case). I got there and was thrown into another cell… I got lucky, my cell-mate had some food and I was able to eat a little here and there. My wife was denied visitation rights because the warden told her that I was a danger to myself and others and was in a PCU (Protective Custody Unit). No visitation allowed. This was a complete lie.

I saw the prison psychiatrist and told him what was going on… He said he had no choice but to reject me as a “cat-J” and sent me back to Tracy. I went before the same classification committee and they sent me down south to Solidad… Even though I was a minimum security convict, the prison did what they call a “population over-ride” and set my custody at “MAX-A” (The highest custody there is). I was in the same cell-block as Sirhan, Sirhan (Not sure if I spelled that right but he’s the guy that shot Robert Kennedy)… Again, I got lucky and got a good counselor who lowered my custody to “MAX-B“. He read my case and told me he would do what he could to get me out of there.

About 7 weeks had passed by then… My symptoms were, dizziness, vomiting, blurred vision, tingling all over, bleeding from my nose and ears, stiff muscles, ringing in my ears, insomnia, lack of appetite, muscle twitching and involuntary jerking, complete loss of bladder control, couldn’t walk, metal taste in my mouth, dry mouth, heart pounding, breathing problems, and complete depersonalization, cramps. I really thought I was going to die.

About this time a guy approached me asking if I wanted any drugs? I said yeah, get me some Xanax or valium… He couldn’t but got me something called Doxepin. This stuff put me to sleep and I slept for 4 days. At 2:00 AM a couple of guards came into my cell, grabbed me and took me to a prison bus heading for San Quentin. My counselor had arraigned my transfer. I hit S.Q. in early June.

I managed to smuggle some Doxepin in there in the bottom of a deodorant stick. It did take the edge off a little, not much.

I was placed in North-block one floor below death row. I was managing to keep some food down by then and some of the really severe symptoms started to subside. I still had trouble remembering my name and still couldn’t walk without assistance.

When I went before classification committee, they lowered my custody level to “MIN-B-ORWD” (The lowest custody level there is). At that point I was able to “front myself off” as just a regular convict… I spent 6 weeks in North-block and was transferred to “H’ Unit (Medium security) awaiting transfer to “The Ranch” (Minimum security). Drugs were rampant in there and I started snorting heroin… I could eat and function OK that way. I was also taking the Doxepin for sleep… I hadn’t seen my kids or my wife in over 3+ mos. by then.

At that point my symptoms were dizziness, muscle spasms, nausea, vomiting, loss of balance, twitching, depersonalization, mild hallucinations, severe agoraphobia (I hardly ever left my cell), ringing in my ears, drooling, severe nightmares, blurred vision, Anxiety through the roof, and shaking all the time… I could remember my name and prison #.

I lucked out again and met an old acquaintance from my younger days who happened to be the head of the Aryan Brotherhood (AB)… That’s the “gang” that “con,ed” the prison… Now the Aryans are supposed to be NON Jewish and what they do is to control all the drug trafficking. They’re called “skinheads” on the street here. “Red” (The guy I knew) and I go back to grade-school. His last name is Rosenzweig. He passed that off as a German name but he knew that I knew in reality He’s a full blooded Jew… He obviously didn’t want this getting around… He made me a deal… I keep my mouth shut about him being Jewish and he’d put out the word to protect me… I agreed and he kept his end…

Red told me who was who in there and what I could get from them… He also got my visits approved in a couple of days (I didn’t ask how). He also set me up with some of the guards that brought in drugs. Between him and my wife smuggling drugs to me, I now had all the Xanax and Valium I wanted. After almost 8 mos. of pure HELL, I started to feel “normal” again. Once the warden found out that I had a state smog inspection and repair license, I was “set”….

This is getting to be a “book” so I’m going to cut it short. I spent my last 22 mos. livin’ pretty darn good in there. I NEVER ate in the chow hall… I did so much work on the correctional officers personal cars and all the smog checks for the 250+ vehicles in there + the Golden Gate Transit authority vehicles + the wardens personal car, I always had a breakfast burrito on my smog machine in the morning, Pizza or burgers for lunch and believe it or not, steak, asparagus and mashed potato’s for dinner almost every night…. Not to mention the food I had that the staff looked the other way on…

The first 8 mos. were HELL! after that, I did pretty much as i pleased in there. I even had a vehicle assigned to me so I didn’t have to walk so much and only had to present myself once a day for “count” instead of every 4 hrs…

Also had all the conjugal visits I wanted whenever I wanted them (You’re only allowed to have ’em every 6 mos)

Well if ya’ took the time ta’ read this “book”, I hope it answered your questions… If not, let me know specifically what you want to know and I’ll be happy to answer you

Good night all!

After one year jail stint site mascot Flicko the Sicko spent a year living in a tent before being bitten by a tick