Addict follows benzo cult guru Ashton into oblivion

Please help spatial awareness disorientation issues
« on: April 03, 2021, 08:32:56 am »

[Buddie]

Hi I’m new here
I’m feeling so distressed. I feel like I Search and Search but can’t find my exact symptoms.
I’m wondering if anyone who has spatial awareness issues can tell me what they experience.
I’m finding it so hard to put into words what I’m experiencing but basically everything feels off centre.
I can’t comprehend straight walls i over think everything and I feel disoriented. And try and square things off almost. I have only left the house a handful of times the last few months and when I do the roads feel off like they should go more to the left or right. Like the direction is slightly off.
I’m finding this so unbearable has anyone experienced these symptoms
I feel like I’m going crazy.
I tapered from diazepam Using Ashton method but these symptoms have worsened since weaning off propranolol.
I just can’t seem to get my mind to stop overthinking about this
Please help
Much love

Taper terror: 5 mg of Versed for colonoscopy causes complete collapse

MAJOR REASSURANCE NEEDED!!!
« on: March 07, 2021, 11:34:50 pm »

[Buddie]

I need major reassurance!
I’ve been having a hard time lately, a very hard time.
As some of you may know I’ve been struggling to get off a very short time use of Ativan.

Following a colonoscopy in late Oct, where I was given Versed, things have been very bad.
I can’t remember anything, I can’t concentrate, lots of visual and auditory problems.
I also have lots of POTS like symptoms, my body is not holding onto liquids at all, I drink and it goes right through me-literally!!!
Given this, I’m getting tons of dizziness and feeling faint.

I moved to liquid Ativan in Jan and have only been able to taper down to 0.699 mg, and that nearly killed me.

I’m having to file for long-term disability, as my short-term disability has been used up.
I can’t even fill out the paperwork, that’s how cognitively challenged I am (I have a masters degree in engineering and run half of the engineering department for a large municipality – so I’m normally very sharp and with it).

I just found out that the Dr at the colonoscopy gave me 5 mg of Versed!!!

This is why I’ve been the way I am.
I’m now convinced that I will never heal, and I also am feeling very defeated, like I will never be able to get off this drug.

At first I was tapering 0.007 mg a day, I crashed and burned on that, waited two weeks and started 0.001 mg per day and crashed on that after 16 days. I can’t even go 0.001 mg per day!!!!

I feel like my body is shutting down, it feels like my brain is not working at all correctly anymore?
During the day it feels as if I’m fighting to stay alive – very weird feeling.
I do have a bunch of tests coming up to see if they can determine a problem

I don’t know anyone else on this board that has had this happen!!

I need major reassurance that I’m going to be able to recover from this!!

I wake up in the middle of the night screaming in pain from the headaches!

Please, please someone, tell me this is going to be ok!!!

I’m very distressed, I don’t want to die from this, I don’t want to leave my girls!

I can’t take years to get off this drug!!
It feels like it is killing me now!

Please help!!!

Winnie :'(

36 months wasted following Ashton

Quitting my job
« on: January 20, 2021, 03:52:35 pm »

[Buddie]

Hey all
I can’t believe this is happening at 36 months. I’ve been steadily declining over the last 2 months and I’m to the point where I cannot push through it or work through it
It’s these eye symptoms. My eyes jump around so I can’t focus, which causes a lot of pain. Like 10/10 pain. Then they get dry and turn bright red and ache.
I can’t push through this one. My head bobs from side to side when I’m not moving. Like I’m constantly being shaken and then stabbed in the eyeballs.

My husband has a few job interviews later this week. And my parents are able to help a bit. Plus tax return money and maybe I’ll be able to get disability. If the doctor doesn’t believe wd I can at least try and get disability for “depression” or whatever I need to make up.

I don’t know why I’m getting worse. I did not drink alcohol or take any new medicine. This happened for no reason.

Anyway, Baylissa’s website reports a woman who got worse at 34 months and then was 100% healed by 41.

I just don’t think I’m fit to work right now. Which is really sad because I do love my job so much. So I’m heartbroken over this and I’ll be letting a lot of my clients down. They will be heartbroken too. And I’m in such a small community, I don’t guarantee they’ll fill my position anytime soon. My poor clients.
Apparently this is what god wants. He’s pushed me to the point where I cant get through it. He’s finally given me more than I can handle.
What’s extra sad is I have to lie about why I’m quitting. I have to tell them it’s depression or something because how do you explain this? If I had an actual medical issue everyone would understand and I’d have references to follow me and there’s no way I can explain this other than I’m not mentally well. Which is a f’n lie. I’m mentally fine.

Cumin sends cult member into outer space five minutes after eating a salad

Cumin issues?
« on: January 04, 2021, 07:35:58 pm »

[Buddie]

Anyone have any reverse or strange reaction to the spice cumin?  and i just felt off! I believe I have read of other BBs suffering side affects from certain spices? Thanks for any feedback!

Re: Cumin issues?
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2021, 07:41:26 pm »

[Buddie]

I have that and more whenever I eat anything or put anything on body, wash hands etc.

Mayo Clinic recommends psych ward after wife loses everything to Ashton

Nursing Home until I become healed?
« on: December 09, 2020, 09:28:18 pm »

[Buddie]

After 2 years of being bedridden, unable to care for myself, I cannot live like this anymore. My husband has been doing his best to care for me, but I have not seen any signs of improvement. My mental function is gone. I live in extreme pain, with over 100 extreme symptoms daily. I am only 56 years old but living a life of a senior shut-in.

I am wondering if any of you know people who have ended up in a nursing home because of benzo injury? What happens when our only caregiver cannot take it anymore and wants to get on with their life? Then what? I am unable to go anywhere (have even cancelled all my dr. appts. in the last years), cannot shower except for maybe once every 5 days now, live in my unkempt bedroom all alone while my husband is out living his life. But, he wants to be able to travel, do outdoor activities, ALL the things we once enjoyed together, which kept us extremely busy. He has been leaving town here and there to do some activities but has to be back by dark because I cannot be alone in the dark anymore. My mind has been damaged and I no longer have any hope. I have not had any windows and I’m only getting worse.

The guilt is unbearable to me, even though I know I didn’t cause this injury myself. What am I supposed to do?

P.S. It took me a very long time to write this and everything I have to try to make sense of this post. I cannot express myself, even in writing anymore, let alone with words.

Re: Nursing Home until I become healed?
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2020, 10:13:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on December 22, 2020, 10:03:02 pm
longing

First let me tell you that your post makes sense. As awful as you feel, you are very much coherent. Your sentences string together and your word usage is accurate. As challenging as it was to write, your cognitive function seems fine here.

Your husband is tired. It’s normal. Sometimes caregivers feel they aren’t allowed to struggle, because the person they care for is struggling more. But that isn’t true. It is really lonely to be a caregiver. It is hard work. It is frustrating. It’s normal that he wants his partner to share life with him. This doesn’t make him bad or unloving. I don’t say this to guilt you. More to shine a light on the big picture. Who cares for the caregiver?

I doubt a nursing home could do much for you. First, you would have to qualify by virtue of age. You are too young. Many seniors who are very disabled are waiting to get in to nursing homes. Nursing homes are very expensive, too. Also, it would be so disempowering.
It is like saying that nothing can be done and healing is futile. Maybe this age and money thing is only true in Canada.

You say you have over 100 symptoms every day. Bedridden. Cannot even bathe yourself. There is no improvement at all. So, this is a severe and rare case of protracted withdrawal. What have you done to improve your situation? Again, not to doubt you, because you have likely done many things. Recovery is an active process. It doesn’t happen just by waiting for it. Others cannot give it to us, no matter how well they care for us. Maybe if you list what you have done, then we can perhaps add ideas?

I wish you could find someone to talk to. Possibly locate an online therapist?

I have had many tests, even been to Mayo Clinic two times. They just want to put me into the psych ward because they don’t believe in benzo withdrawal. They tell me it’s just a severe case of depression. Well, of course, I’m depressed. Who wouldn’t in my situation? But I was never depressed or had any kind of mental illness until I became tolerant to the clonazepam. I was on it for over 20 years, daily. My life is gone. I have tried many supplements over the time I’ve been suffering, but none have helped. I take a multi vitamin daily and an adrenal support supplement. I have to take .25 mg. Trazadone to help with sleep, which is pretty much non-existent still. This is the reason I was put on clonazepam in the first place. I have chronic daily migraine and for years, I have not slept. My neurologist is the one who put me on benzos and now he has flat out told me that he doesn’t know anything about benzo injury and withdrawal and therefore, cannot help me. He actually told me that if I find someone to help to let him know. I wish his life would have been ruined, like he did to me. Horrible, horrible doctor!

One of my family members thinks that if I would just start smoking weed that all this will go away. I tried it…one puff…one time about a week ago. I became even more depersonalized and it was awful! Not for me. I hear it helps others though.

If I have to continue to exist in hell like this, I won’t. There are many who have not been damaged nearly as much as I have. Why does God not listen to me? I have been a christian all my life and have always prayed, but it’s like He’s not even real to me anymore.

Brutal Ashton taper leaves man unable to walk 16 months post-cessation of drug

Can’t walk. This has never happened WTF?
« on: December 26, 2020, 05:55:01 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi everyone. I hope your holidays were OK. I’m actually just happy that they are over. I don’t know what’s going on with me I have never had this happen in benzo withdrawal. I have had difficulty walking and I’ve had pain in my legs and feet and lower back, but not to the point where I actually cannot walk around the block. I mean I can but it’s so damn painful. I was supposed to help my girlfriend do a photo shoot outdoors today and I couldn’t go because I can’t stand on my feet. My right heel feels like there’s an internal bruise, they’re shooting pains going up my legs from my feet, and my lower back is killing me. I’ve been popping ibuprofen like crazy. I’ve been laying in bed since last night, and they were shooting pains in my legs even when I’m not putting any weight on them. My primary care doctor is great. He tells his patients that he can’t believe he actually has one patient that got off of Clonopin. He’s been practicing for 35 years and said that he has never seen one person successfully get off of it. I called him this morning and he called me back. He says he has no idea what it is. He said that some of the symptoms sound like gout but other ones don’t. I wanted to tell him that I think it’s benzo withdrawal, but I don’t want him to think I’m crazy because that seems to be the look I get when ever I offer that is a solution to my physical pain. I’ve read a lot on here about different messed up physical symptoms that people have, and I’m wondering if this particular group of symptoms is something that someone else’s experience. I usually ride my bike and or walk 3 to 5 miles a day. I can’t even walk around the block without being in extreme pain. I have tried to stay physically active throughout my benzo withdrawal, but I’m stuck at home now in bed. I work and have worked full-time throughout withdrawal, and I have never been bed ridden because of physical symptoms and am terrified that I’m actually getting worse 16 months post taper.
Any insight or encouragement would be much appreciated. I’m stuck in bed all day. Thank you.

Benzo Buddies members forced to give away belongings, live like hermits, to remain in cult

Giving away belongings
« on: November 13, 2020, 08:26:44 pm »

[Buddie]

I’ve noticed a few people (e.g. Baylissa) who report that they gave away a lot of their belongings while in withdrawal but have little memory of that time. For me, I’ve noticed the urge to get rid of a lot of my stuff – I think it stems from getting easily overwhelmed and wanting to simplify my life. I actually think it’s a good thing because I live in a small apartment with minimal storage space. Benzo withdrawal is helping me realize what I value most in life and most often that is not material objects. I have way too many clothes and was never able to part with them before, but now it comes easy. I plan to clean out my storage unit this weekend!

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2020, 09:19:51 pm »

[Buddie]

Simplifying my life makes me feel good, when I’m distressed I’ll often pick a closet to clean out. I get a feeling of freedom from the weight of too much stuff and those I donate to can benefit as well.

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2020, 03:35:21 am »

[Buddie]

I am doing the same thing. I have never edited so much. Feels great. Feels free.

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2020, 07:08:34 am »

[Buddie]

I have been doing this too. Feels right to be clearing the junk out while clearing meds out of my body. Also makes me want to cut my hair. 😂

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2020, 08:56:49 am »

[Buddie]

I give stuff away all the time but its mostly because I think I’ll never heal or make it through this alive to use them.