36 months wasted following Ashton

Quitting my job
« on: January 20, 2021, 03:52:35 pm »

[Buddie]

Hey all
I can’t believe this is happening at 36 months. I’ve been steadily declining over the last 2 months and I’m to the point where I cannot push through it or work through it
It’s these eye symptoms. My eyes jump around so I can’t focus, which causes a lot of pain. Like 10/10 pain. Then they get dry and turn bright red and ache.
I can’t push through this one. My head bobs from side to side when I’m not moving. Like I’m constantly being shaken and then stabbed in the eyeballs.

My husband has a few job interviews later this week. And my parents are able to help a bit. Plus tax return money and maybe I’ll be able to get disability. If the doctor doesn’t believe wd I can at least try and get disability for “depression” or whatever I need to make up.

I don’t know why I’m getting worse. I did not drink alcohol or take any new medicine. This happened for no reason.

Anyway, Baylissa’s website reports a woman who got worse at 34 months and then was 100% healed by 41.

I just don’t think I’m fit to work right now. Which is really sad because I do love my job so much. So I’m heartbroken over this and I’ll be letting a lot of my clients down. They will be heartbroken too. And I’m in such a small community, I don’t guarantee they’ll fill my position anytime soon. My poor clients.
Apparently this is what god wants. He’s pushed me to the point where I cant get through it. He’s finally given me more than I can handle.
What’s extra sad is I have to lie about why I’m quitting. I have to tell them it’s depression or something because how do you explain this? If I had an actual medical issue everyone would understand and I’d have references to follow me and there’s no way I can explain this other than I’m not mentally well. Which is a f’n lie. I’m mentally fine.

Cumin sends cult member into outer space five minutes after eating a salad

Cumin issues?
« on: January 04, 2021, 07:35:58 pm »

[Buddie]

Anyone have any reverse or strange reaction to the spice cumin?  and i just felt off! I believe I have read of other BBs suffering side affects from certain spices? Thanks for any feedback!

Re: Cumin issues?
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2021, 07:41:26 pm »

[Buddie]

I have that and more whenever I eat anything or put anything on body, wash hands etc.

Mayo Clinic recommends psych ward after wife loses everything to Ashton

Nursing Home until I become healed?
« on: December 09, 2020, 09:28:18 pm »

[Buddie]

After 2 years of being bedridden, unable to care for myself, I cannot live like this anymore. My husband has been doing his best to care for me, but I have not seen any signs of improvement. My mental function is gone. I live in extreme pain, with over 100 extreme symptoms daily. I am only 56 years old but living a life of a senior shut-in.

I am wondering if any of you know people who have ended up in a nursing home because of benzo injury? What happens when our only caregiver cannot take it anymore and wants to get on with their life? Then what? I am unable to go anywhere (have even cancelled all my dr. appts. in the last years), cannot shower except for maybe once every 5 days now, live in my unkempt bedroom all alone while my husband is out living his life. But, he wants to be able to travel, do outdoor activities, ALL the things we once enjoyed together, which kept us extremely busy. He has been leaving town here and there to do some activities but has to be back by dark because I cannot be alone in the dark anymore. My mind has been damaged and I no longer have any hope. I have not had any windows and I’m only getting worse.

The guilt is unbearable to me, even though I know I didn’t cause this injury myself. What am I supposed to do?

P.S. It took me a very long time to write this and everything I have to try to make sense of this post. I cannot express myself, even in writing anymore, let alone with words.

Re: Nursing Home until I become healed?
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2020, 10:13:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on December 22, 2020, 10:03:02 pm
longing

First let me tell you that your post makes sense. As awful as you feel, you are very much coherent. Your sentences string together and your word usage is accurate. As challenging as it was to write, your cognitive function seems fine here.

Your husband is tired. It’s normal. Sometimes caregivers feel they aren’t allowed to struggle, because the person they care for is struggling more. But that isn’t true. It is really lonely to be a caregiver. It is hard work. It is frustrating. It’s normal that he wants his partner to share life with him. This doesn’t make him bad or unloving. I don’t say this to guilt you. More to shine a light on the big picture. Who cares for the caregiver?

I doubt a nursing home could do much for you. First, you would have to qualify by virtue of age. You are too young. Many seniors who are very disabled are waiting to get in to nursing homes. Nursing homes are very expensive, too. Also, it would be so disempowering.
It is like saying that nothing can be done and healing is futile. Maybe this age and money thing is only true in Canada.

You say you have over 100 symptoms every day. Bedridden. Cannot even bathe yourself. There is no improvement at all. So, this is a severe and rare case of protracted withdrawal. What have you done to improve your situation? Again, not to doubt you, because you have likely done many things. Recovery is an active process. It doesn’t happen just by waiting for it. Others cannot give it to us, no matter how well they care for us. Maybe if you list what you have done, then we can perhaps add ideas?

I wish you could find someone to talk to. Possibly locate an online therapist?

I have had many tests, even been to Mayo Clinic two times. They just want to put me into the psych ward because they don’t believe in benzo withdrawal. They tell me it’s just a severe case of depression. Well, of course, I’m depressed. Who wouldn’t in my situation? But I was never depressed or had any kind of mental illness until I became tolerant to the clonazepam. I was on it for over 20 years, daily. My life is gone. I have tried many supplements over the time I’ve been suffering, but none have helped. I take a multi vitamin daily and an adrenal support supplement. I have to take .25 mg. Trazadone to help with sleep, which is pretty much non-existent still. This is the reason I was put on clonazepam in the first place. I have chronic daily migraine and for years, I have not slept. My neurologist is the one who put me on benzos and now he has flat out told me that he doesn’t know anything about benzo injury and withdrawal and therefore, cannot help me. He actually told me that if I find someone to help to let him know. I wish his life would have been ruined, like he did to me. Horrible, horrible doctor!

One of my family members thinks that if I would just start smoking weed that all this will go away. I tried it…one puff…one time about a week ago. I became even more depersonalized and it was awful! Not for me. I hear it helps others though.

If I have to continue to exist in hell like this, I won’t. There are many who have not been damaged nearly as much as I have. Why does God not listen to me? I have been a christian all my life and have always prayed, but it’s like He’s not even real to me anymore.

Brutal Ashton taper leaves man unable to walk 16 months post-cessation of drug

Can’t walk. This has never happened WTF?
« on: December 26, 2020, 05:55:01 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi everyone. I hope your holidays were OK. I’m actually just happy that they are over. I don’t know what’s going on with me I have never had this happen in benzo withdrawal. I have had difficulty walking and I’ve had pain in my legs and feet and lower back, but not to the point where I actually cannot walk around the block. I mean I can but it’s so damn painful. I was supposed to help my girlfriend do a photo shoot outdoors today and I couldn’t go because I can’t stand on my feet. My right heel feels like there’s an internal bruise, they’re shooting pains going up my legs from my feet, and my lower back is killing me. I’ve been popping ibuprofen like crazy. I’ve been laying in bed since last night, and they were shooting pains in my legs even when I’m not putting any weight on them. My primary care doctor is great. He tells his patients that he can’t believe he actually has one patient that got off of Clonopin. He’s been practicing for 35 years and said that he has never seen one person successfully get off of it. I called him this morning and he called me back. He says he has no idea what it is. He said that some of the symptoms sound like gout but other ones don’t. I wanted to tell him that I think it’s benzo withdrawal, but I don’t want him to think I’m crazy because that seems to be the look I get when ever I offer that is a solution to my physical pain. I’ve read a lot on here about different messed up physical symptoms that people have, and I’m wondering if this particular group of symptoms is something that someone else’s experience. I usually ride my bike and or walk 3 to 5 miles a day. I can’t even walk around the block without being in extreme pain. I have tried to stay physically active throughout my benzo withdrawal, but I’m stuck at home now in bed. I work and have worked full-time throughout withdrawal, and I have never been bed ridden because of physical symptoms and am terrified that I’m actually getting worse 16 months post taper.
Any insight or encouragement would be much appreciated. I’m stuck in bed all day. Thank you.

Benzo Buddies members forced to give away belongings, live like hermits, to remain in cult

Giving away belongings
« on: November 13, 2020, 08:26:44 pm »

[Buddie]

I’ve noticed a few people (e.g. Baylissa) who report that they gave away a lot of their belongings while in withdrawal but have little memory of that time. For me, I’ve noticed the urge to get rid of a lot of my stuff – I think it stems from getting easily overwhelmed and wanting to simplify my life. I actually think it’s a good thing because I live in a small apartment with minimal storage space. Benzo withdrawal is helping me realize what I value most in life and most often that is not material objects. I have way too many clothes and was never able to part with them before, but now it comes easy. I plan to clean out my storage unit this weekend!

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2020, 09:19:51 pm »

[Buddie]

Simplifying my life makes me feel good, when I’m distressed I’ll often pick a closet to clean out. I get a feeling of freedom from the weight of too much stuff and those I donate to can benefit as well.

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2020, 03:35:21 am »

[Buddie]

I am doing the same thing. I have never edited so much. Feels great. Feels free.

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2020, 07:08:34 am »

[Buddie]

I have been doing this too. Feels right to be clearing the junk out while clearing meds out of my body. Also makes me want to cut my hair. 😂

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2020, 08:56:49 am »

[Buddie]

I give stuff away all the time but its mostly because I think I’ll never heal or make it through this alive to use them.

Benzo Buddies member blames Satan for drug addiction

too traumatized to heal
« on: September 29, 2020, 08:48:43 pm »

[Buddie]

i wont be on bb much longer but if you never hear from me again i guess this will let you know why. Im simply too messed up and have messed up too badly to heal fully. Jesus is supposed to be the healer and redeemer but sorry there is no healing this mothers heart from the monsterous symptoms ive had and the betrayal ofpeople i intrusted with this info when i was at my most frightened and f”@$ed up. i swim through the success stories of all these people who just plain didnt go as off their nut as i did. severe but kept their jobs. seveer but somehow stayed out of the wards. severe but somehow kept their heads about them. No one to tell me hey ive been where you are…no one yo say this is how we get you past this. i scared off the only person who has any insight into the horrors i have been through and even she didnt f up her life and is now i guess doing ok.anyway. ive said it before. satan knew what he was doing when he did this to me.

“One bad apple”

Alcohol in foods
« on: July 05, 2020, 09:31:09 am »

[Buddie]

Hi, I just ate an apple that had a little alcohol taste to it and now I’m afraid it will set me back a little.. Do such small amounts of alcohol have any impact on the gaba receptors?
« Last Edit: July 05, 2020, 11:08:25 am by [Buddie] »

Re: Alcohol in foods
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2020, 11:35:14 am »

[Buddie]

Apples don’t have alcohol in them. You should worry about eating apples, they are very good for your overall health.

Re: Alcohol in foods
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2020, 12:09:38 pm »

[Buddie]

Thank you for your response, […]. Well there can be if the fruit is ripe/overripe. The yeasts can ferment the sugars of the fruit and produce alcohol.

Re: Alcohol in foods
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2020, 12:12:37 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on July 05, 2020, 12:09:38 pm
Thank you for your response, […]. Well there can be if the fruit is ripe/overripe. The yeasts can ferment the sugars of the fruit and produce alcohol.

Honestly, this should not be something you need to worry about. I ate a lot of fruit during my taper and recovery in an effort to eat cleanly.

Re: Alcohol in foods
« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2020, 08:21:31 am »

[Buddie]

Unless your apple was a mushy pile of fermented goo= I think you are getting a bit overly anxious. Not many people are going to pick up a fermented apple and manage to eat it. Animals do it fairly often and exhibit signs of intoxication but those are some seriously fermented fruits! It is much more likely that your apple was in the same container as a bad apple and took on some odor/taste that absolutely will not mess your system up. This is why they have the whole “one bad apple” saying = They quickly take on the icky odor/flavor of a nearby nasty one. It doesnt hurt you, it just makes for an unsalable product. Maybe just don’t eat the rest of it if it doesn’t taste right?

Holiday horror stories pile up as Benzo Buddies members realize Ashton tapers have destroyed their lives

What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« on: December 24, 2019, 08:32:14 pm »

Ptsdmiracle

In 3 months it will be a year off, I have not noticed much improvement. I was slammed into complete dysfunctional and debilitating symptoms causing me to be housebound, and I’m still the same. Cognitive, emotional, mental, physical symptoms are still there when I compare the symptom list I created back in march. I’ve lost a year already. I keep thinking even if I do manage to recover to some functioning level, I’ll never be able to have the life I’ve worked so hard for. I won’t be able to return to my career if my health and sleep isnt 100%, because of the high demand even on a healthy body the stress can be high. I needed to be able to sleep on demand with high quality refreshing naps because of the unpredictable nature of workload. I’ll never be able to go through childbirth because I’m forever traumatized and paranoid that any meds or stress can send me back to acute, I wouldn’t want my kids to witness this let alone not have a healthy happy mother. I’ve cut ties with all my old friends for the past year, how am I ever going to explain to them what happened? Everyone had high hopes for me, now if they knew, I’d be the main topic of gossip in their circles. My social circles and even my extended family who are my generation are all high functioning healthy successful soon to be quite wealthy young adults.

So what’s left for me in this world? I feel like a parasite now, surviving on what the elders in my family can provide for me, and maybe when I recover I might “upgrade” to being a functional hermit.

It’s very difficult for me to have hope and be optimistic and grateful this holiday season. Especially since I’ve been waiting and waiting for symptoms to lessen or go away, but my brain has 24/7 been trapped in this alternate universe that’s hell. I also never have windows, not even glimpses of near normalcy. My brain is so far gone. When I was 22, I wanted to reach 30 because this is the year I could really start settling down and building my life after moving everywhere for training and work. Now that I’m 30, ironically, life is already over. and all I think about is dying so that misery isn’t prolonged.

For those that read this sad and dark post, thanks for listening. Anyone have any uplifting words to say I appreciate even more. I just don’t know the point anymore.

Re: What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2019, 08:44:38 pm »

[Buddie]

So, I have been ill and unable to work and largely housebound since 1996. All my then friends have had careers and bought homes and had families. I have nothing.

You will almost certainly feel well enough to live a worthwhile life in another year or two.

If your life is pointless where does that leave me? I am 51 now and even if I survive WD I will still have the underlying physical issues I was on Benzos for.

What does it say about all chronically sick or disabled people?

You have no idea where life will take you. Once your get through this you will be stronger and more determined than any of your friends plus you should have some real empathy, something g they will never learn unless something shit happens to them because it sounds like you all live a very entitled and unthinking life.

You will be fine.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2019, 09:01:56 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2019, 08:53:21 pm »

[Buddie]

I know how you are feeling as im on the same boat.

I found my thinking about life is totally controlled by my sx at that moment. Even when sx is less intense with a brain kind of working for a minute, my perspective would be totally different, planning for thousands stuff for life. You are closer to healing everyday, once that day comes, your confidence, desire, motivation will be back more than ever.

When the sx are strong and you are still in depth of this process, try not to think tomorrow or future. Our thinking in this process is irrational only based on what we feel at the moment.

Just focus on each day and keep going. You survived almost a yr and will survive more days that comes, until you dont have to live by surviving moment by moment and then only enjoy every moment.

When these thoughts come, just vent here and we are around to listen to it. It will pass, possibly in just a few hours when the sx are lessoned.