Holiday horror stories pile up as Benzo Buddies members realize Ashton tapers have destroyed their lives

What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« on: December 24, 2019, 08:32:14 pm »

Ptsdmiracle

In 3 months it will be a year off, I have not noticed much improvement. I was slammed into complete dysfunctional and debilitating symptoms causing me to be housebound, and I’m still the same. Cognitive, emotional, mental, physical symptoms are still there when I compare the symptom list I created back in march. I’ve lost a year already. I keep thinking even if I do manage to recover to some functioning level, I’ll never be able to have the life I’ve worked so hard for. I won’t be able to return to my career if my health and sleep isnt 100%, because of the high demand even on a healthy body the stress can be high. I needed to be able to sleep on demand with high quality refreshing naps because of the unpredictable nature of workload. I’ll never be able to go through childbirth because I’m forever traumatized and paranoid that any meds or stress can send me back to acute, I wouldn’t want my kids to witness this let alone not have a healthy happy mother. I’ve cut ties with all my old friends for the past year, how am I ever going to explain to them what happened? Everyone had high hopes for me, now if they knew, I’d be the main topic of gossip in their circles. My social circles and even my extended family who are my generation are all high functioning healthy successful soon to be quite wealthy young adults.

So what’s left for me in this world? I feel like a parasite now, surviving on what the elders in my family can provide for me, and maybe when I recover I might “upgrade” to being a functional hermit.

It’s very difficult for me to have hope and be optimistic and grateful this holiday season. Especially since I’ve been waiting and waiting for symptoms to lessen or go away, but my brain has 24/7 been trapped in this alternate universe that’s hell. I also never have windows, not even glimpses of near normalcy. My brain is so far gone. When I was 22, I wanted to reach 30 because this is the year I could really start settling down and building my life after moving everywhere for training and work. Now that I’m 30, ironically, life is already over. and all I think about is dying so that misery isn’t prolonged.

For those that read this sad and dark post, thanks for listening. Anyone have any uplifting words to say I appreciate even more. I just don’t know the point anymore.

Re: What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2019, 08:44:38 pm »

[Buddie]

So, I have been ill and unable to work and largely housebound since 1996. All my then friends have had careers and bought homes and had families. I have nothing.

You will almost certainly feel well enough to live a worthwhile life in another year or two.

If your life is pointless where does that leave me? I am 51 now and even if I survive WD I will still have the underlying physical issues I was on Benzos for.

What does it say about all chronically sick or disabled people?

You have no idea where life will take you. Once your get through this you will be stronger and more determined than any of your friends plus you should have some real empathy, something g they will never learn unless something shit happens to them because it sounds like you all live a very entitled and unthinking life.

You will be fine.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2019, 09:01:56 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2019, 08:53:21 pm »

[Buddie]

I know how you are feeling as im on the same boat.

I found my thinking about life is totally controlled by my sx at that moment. Even when sx is less intense with a brain kind of working for a minute, my perspective would be totally different, planning for thousands stuff for life. You are closer to healing everyday, once that day comes, your confidence, desire, motivation will be back more than ever.

When the sx are strong and you are still in depth of this process, try not to think tomorrow or future. Our thinking in this process is irrational only based on what we feel at the moment.

Just focus on each day and keep going. You survived almost a yr and will survive more days that comes, until you dont have to live by surviving moment by moment and then only enjoy every moment.

When these thoughts come, just vent here and we are around to listen to it. It will pass, possibly in just a few hours when the sx are lessoned.

Stay away from corn and prawns?

Corn
« on: December 07, 2019, 08:01:17 pm »

[Buddie]

Has anyone had a bad reaction to eating corn? I ate a corn cob last night and about a half hour afterwards i got huge adrenaline surges that have lasted for hours, bp went sky high 260/144 and runs of Afib, managed to keep out of the hospital thank god. I read it’s high in glutamate, anyone know anything?

Re: Corn
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2019, 08:49:07 pm »

[Buddie]

I have been fine with corn, but seriously, I have heard people reacting strangely to so many different kinds of foods, who knows. I would keep a list of the foods you react poorly to. That sounds really scary for your BP and Afib. Hope you are feeling better today

Re: Corn
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2019, 09:04:39 pm »

[Buddie]

Thanks Green, yeah i definitely need to keep a list, i had a similar reaction to prawns a few weeks ago but it passed off very quickly, at least my bp is down today, normally it’s really low, i just feel totally wiped out today. Hopefully i won’t get a repeat performance.

Benzo Buddies labeled draconian hell site, run by out of control moderators, filled with people who thrive on self-pity

June 06, 2019 8:27 AM EDT
I experienced the same thing on BenzoBuddies. At first it was a great forum and others on that forum helped me through the toughest times of my withdrawal. After I healed, I thought I would pay it forward. I was doing a good job helping others and then decided to introduce outside sources of hope and encouragement. I was instantly reprimanded and when I complained, they pretty much locked down my account to where I couldn’t post anything without moderator approval, nor could I Personal Message anyone. My account was for all intents and purposes…worthless and not usable. I told one moderator in particular that you need people on the site that healed to help and give hope to others. She dismissed it and said I thought I was “special” and “better than everyone else.” Because I volunteered my time on the site? Needless to say I don’t go on BBs any longer. Their draconian rules are only meant to stifle what they claim they are about, which is giving others hope. Too many rules, too many moderators on a power kick and too political…that’s how I would sum up BenzoBuddies. Plus too many hard core people that claim they never heal when they don’t tell “rest of the story.” Almost all of those cases involve being poly drugged and having preexisting medical conditions prior to any type of anti-psychotic drug use.
– Igotmylifeback

Benzo Buddies member asks cult’s permission to renew driver’s license

Driver License renewal
« on: September 07, 2019, 02:24:49 pm »

Guinea pig

I’m curious for those that are at end of taper or very recently finished.

Could you renew your drivers license in your present condition?

Synthroid. 88 mcg
Losartan 100/25
Ambien. 10mg
Lorazepam 4mg
12/2018 3.0
2/2019. 2.75
3/2019. 2.5
4/2019. 2.25
5/2019. 2.0
6/10/19. 1.90 sxs Holding
8/17/19. 1.85

Television (and books) forbidden for Ashton cultists

Fear over Books and Television
« on: August 04, 2019, 11:16:50 pm »

[Buddie]

Does anyone become filled with anxiety when you try to watch television or read a book?

I use to love both, but now I can’t handle more than a few seconds of either. It makes it so so so hard to fill the day.

Re: Fear over Books and Television
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2019, 12:48:27 am »

[Buddie]

Yes.

Re: Fear over Books and Television
« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2019, 12:53:29 am »

[Buddie]

YES. I actually stopped watching TV during WD. The violence, the negativity, just became way too much for me. I did not watch TV for several years because of this. I already had enough dark and negative thoughts in my mind. Did not need to add to that. Believe it or not I only resumed watching some TV a few months ago. And you know what? Seven years of NOT watching TV was truly a GOOD thing, a nice thing. I had to find other ways to pass the time.
[…]

Re: Fear over Books and Television
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2019, 01:25:23 am »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on August 05, 2019, 12:53:29 am
YES. I actually stopped watching TV during WD. The violence, the negativity, just became way too much for me. I did not watch TV for several years because of this. I already had enough dark and negative thoughts in my mind. Did not need to add to that. Believe it or not I only resumed watching some TV a few months ago. And you know what? Seven years of NOT watching TV was truly a GOOD thing, a nice thing. I had to find other ways to pass the time.
[…]

Same for me. Stopped watching TV completely. Cut back my online reading to only a couple local news and weather reports. Can’t handle the stress. I get too worked up. I am getting better, though. I was much worse a few years ago. So maybe I’ll be able to get back to where I was, though I’m not sure I want to. TV is all propaganda or pornography, and often both, mixed together into one tempting toxic brew. Who needs that?

Big Pharma blamed for Benzo Buddies member’s scary trip to the zoo

Setback from walking too much?
« on: August 05, 2019, 06:54:20 pm »

[Buddie]

Went to the zoo with my son and my family in law yesterday and walked so much. Now today my whole body is aching and burning from head to toe and I’m so scared. Has this happened to anyone? Everything burns worse than fire and the pain is so deep across my back, arms, legs, everywhere. Trying hard not to cry at work. This will go away right?

Brainwashed Benzo Buddies member begs cult to stop .0008mg of benzodiazepine

Jumping vs .0008
« on: July 29, 2019, 08:03:22 pm »

[Buddie]

Down to the last push of a daily microtaper. If you are stable for the most part at a crumb say .0008 of medication. What is the outlook of jumping? I mean is there really any major difference to being on .0008 and zero? Or is the complete absence of the medication something to brace for. I have read mixed reviews, please share you knowledge and experience. Also has anyone jumped from that low of a tapered amount?

Jelly legs worse than benzo belly?

Alright, this is not just jelly legs
« on: July 26, 2019, 09:22:11 pm »

[Buddie]

So I am between 2-3 months out of C/t rapid detox (had some overlap of drugs they gave in hospital)
As awful as it gets with a host of symptoms, but my most profound physical symptoms is beyond jelly legs.
My legs started out where I couldn’t lift them or walk at all, and they began contracting nonstop, the clenthcing was very large and you could totally see it happening….they did this for 6 weeks straight without EVER stopping even if I slept, which most of time I didn’t. They then started calming down a bit and have settled into a constant movement of muscles and twitching (both surface and deep)
They have still never stopped. When I walk (can walk from room to room and stand in shower) they just start getting worse.
So here I am, cannot walk on them to make them stronger and they cannot ever rest to heal. Because even when resting them….they are moving. It is an unbelievable, impossible situation.
Anyone relate?
Btw…I am a mom and was a competitive athlete until the last 10 months of all these meds. Not being active is hindering my recovery, and we all know that these drugs have destroyed life as we know it. But not being able to use my legs…is stopping me from everything