Benzo Buddies hags claw each other’s eyes out fighting over who has it worse

Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« on: July 08, 2018, 06:14:25 pm »

[Buddie]

I always thought I was a strong person, until this experience with Benzos. I’ve been clinging to the edge of my strength and sanity since 9/2016. {I don’t have a sig up because I’m too traumatized to recount the details of my doctor forced CT}. The level of suffering has morphed from vomiting daily for a year every morning, into unbelievable head and neck pain, into severe dizziness and confusion. Amongst 100 other symptoms. Seems the layers to this never end. I’m questioning is it worth the suffering, when all I experience is a shift from nightmare to another. Without any light and hope. My goal has been to get to tolderable, just tolerable! And, I feel as though I’m going backwards, daily. The strain this has put on not only myself, husband (who bailed when I was in tolerance and didn’t know it, haven’t seen him in 3yrs), my beautiful children, and elderly parents has been unconchinable.

Does it truly get better? Or, is it really just some that are genetically luckier than other’s? I just want some reassurance that things will improve. I’m not looking for perfection. I need a reason to stay in the fight…….

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2018, 06:32:28 pm »

[Buddie]

[…], yes things do get better.

I had a miserable 3+ year long taper with a year of recovery afterwards, but I gradually got to feeling better. I got most of my clients back, can now drive, see friends etc. And I moved twice!! But it was a long road on which I despaired that things would never improve.

If you want advice, I’ll give it: find a couple of BBs who feel as you do, but who are making progress and hang with them. It was my BB friends who helped me along through my ordeal. We cheered each other on, gave each other shoulders to cry on. One of my “gang” formed the Working Thread (because we all had to go to work) and we interacted there. It was very comforting.

Another great comfort to me was my therapist. She knew nothing about benzo w/d, but I educated her. She was always there for me. Alas, my partner not so much. I think we “wear out” those closest to us.

So those are two things that got me through my taper: BB friends and my wonderful therapist. A group that “gets it” . . . and one person who knows you inside and out and can be your “rock”.

Hope this helps you,

[…]

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2018, 07:38:24 pm »

[Buddie]

Thank you for the suggestions. I appreciate your taking the time to reply. Wishing You Speedy Healing

Re: Reassurance PLEASE……😢
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2018, 07:39:01 pm »

[Buddie]

Your reason to stay in the fight is for your beautiful children and your elderly parents and for you because you are worth it. I believe with all my heart that you will get better over time. I have read how so many others have recovered and you will too. Like the other poster said, find someone similar to your situation and encourage one another. I will continue to pray until you get a break through.

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2018, 07:51:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on July 08, 2018, 07:39:01 pm
Your reason to stay in the fight is for your beautiful children and your elderly parents and for you because you are worth it. I believe with all my heart that you will get better over time. I have read how so many others have recovered and you will too. Like the other poster said, find someone similar to your situation and encourage one another. I will continue to pray until you get a break through.

[…],
Thank you….. Thank you……

Haven’t found anyone similar to my situation. I’m pretty severe.
My children….I Love Them So Much.

Thank you for your prayers. You will me in mine, as well.
Thank you…..

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2018, 08:34:13 pm »

[Buddie]

[…], you DID meet someone who was possibly WORSE than you!!! ME. I think you read my Success Story so you should have an idea that this is the truth.
Here is another truth: We ALL think we are the worst off! That is just human nature.

Okay. YES you will feel better. No one knows (yet) why some people have it so rough and have it last so long. But it does happen. I didnt truly feel “normal” until my 4th year.

Going through this was the hardest thing I have ever done. Without a doubt. But getting through it made me such a better person! I now know that I AM truly strong. I learned a lot along the way as well. I learned how to go to sleep normally. I learned how to deal with any anxiety I had and in all truth, I have little to no anxiety now. Just “jitters” when I start a new job, or do something new. Normal anxiety. I learned what caused my awful symptoms, and knowing that helped me immensely!

[…]. You sound like an intelligent person. I personally think that makes it a bit harder, because we KNOW too much! But being smart is also such a blessing as it will allow you to start educating yourself about all of this. And it truly is key to have a basic understanding of WHY you have these awful symptoms. The human brain is very intricate and complicated, but basically, all it is is a bunch of different chemicals that perform certain functions. Our brains do control everything about us. Benzos temporarily mess up all those chemicals. In a huge way. And then, when you take away the benzos, all hell breaks loose. Those chemicals are going to go up and down and cause crazy symptoms until they do finally get back to normal. And they will, given enough time.

I urge you to stay the course. If I can do it, you can, because I am NOT SuperWoman! LOL! Hardly. I am a 68 year old lady with a long and hard history of abusing various substances. Benzos were my downfall. Taking benzos was the dumbest thing I ever did, but getting OFF benzos was the best thing I have ever done. Amen!

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2018, 09:58:27 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on July 08, 2018, 08:34:13 pm
[…], you DID meet someone who was possibly WORSE than you!!! ME. I think you read my Success Story so you should have an idea that this is the truth.
Here is another truth: We ALL think we are the worst off! That is just human nature.

Okay. YES you will feel better. No one knows (yet) why some people have it so rough and have it last so long. But it does happen. I didnt truly feel “normal” until my 4th year.

Going through this was the hardest thing I have ever done. Without a doubt. But getting through it made me such a better person! I now know that I AM truly strong. I learned a lot along the way as well. I learned how to go to sleep normally. I learned how to deal with any anxiety I had and in all truth, I have little to no anxiety now. Just “jitters” when I start a new job, or do something new. Normal anxiety. I learned what caused my awful symptoms, and knowing that helped me immensely!

[…]. You sound like an intelligent person. I personally think that makes it a bit harder, because we KNOW too much! But being smart is also such a blessing as it will allow you to start educating yourself about all of this. And it truly is key to have a basic understanding of WHY you have these awful symptoms. The human brain is very intricate and complicated, but basically, all it is is a bunch of different chemicals that perform certain functions. Our brains do control everything about us. Benzos temporarily mess up all those chemicals. In a huge way. And then, when you take away the benzos, all hell breaks loose. Those chemicals are going to go up and down and cause crazy symptoms until they do finally get back to normal. And they will, given enough time.

I urge you to stay the course. If I can do it, you can, because I am NOT SuperWoman! LOL! Hardly. I am a 68 year old lady with a long and hard history of abusing various substances. Benzos were my downfall. Taking benzos was the dumbest thing I ever did, but getting OFF benzos was the best thing I have ever done. Amen!

[…],
Read your Success story a couple times. I just watch this weird brain stuff going on in my head would stop. Can cope with the rest. But, the brain stuff is so hard. Feels like fireworks and a LSD trip all at the same time.

Trying to accept all this intense stuff…. If I had truly been intelligent I would have NEVER taken a Benzo.

Thank you for your constant support, and encouragement. It means so much…. Thank You….

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2018, 01:13:01 pm »

[Buddie]

After 25 years, I did a CT. My husband died. Then, a reinstallation, with Xanax and sleeping pills. CT- again. I have been in a dark room, with hallucinations, until month 23. Have I had worse, than others? No. Everyone, lives in their own little hell, in their own way. There is no scale, on who has the most difficult. My best, and closest word, is Respect. If I wrote, that my symptoms were the worst, I would not have it. It is very difficult, for all of us. Right? :)
« Last Edit: July 09, 2018, 01:24:58 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2018, 01:54:50 pm »

[Buddie]

Hey […], sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time.
I’m feeling much the same at the moment… Feel free to reach out as I completely get the
Strain on family (I’m living with my parents who practically have to look after me) and I’m not even close to jumping… But we can do this 👊🏼

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2018, 03:29:49 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on July 09, 2018, 01:13:01 pm
After 25 years, I did a CT. My husband died. Then, a reinstallation, with Xanax and sleeping pills. CT- again. I have been in a dark room, with hallucinations, until month 23. Have I had worse, than others? No. Everyone, lives in their own little hell, in their own way. There is no scale, on who has the most difficult. My best, and closest word, is Respect. If I wrote, that my symptoms were the worst, I would not have it. It is very difficult, for all of us. Right? :)

[…],
Not sure what you mean by your comment. I will respond how I think you meant it.
It was suggested to me to find a B.B. with symptoms similar to mine. I have yet to find anyone with symptoms similar to the severity of mine. None of us has fully shared every little thing they have experienced in this journey. I know MY truth and MY experience and have not read anything that closely resembles my journey. Certain general aspects yes, many other aspects no. To have it suggested to me that I don’t have RESPECT I find truly offensive. This forum, I thought was a place to lend support. I reached out for that support. Not to be kicked when I’m down. RESPECT is a word that maybe you should look at the definition. If you can’t help a fellow BB then don’t post anything.

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2018, 09:05:14 pm »

[Buddie]

[…], get a grip, please. You are pushing yourself into thinking you are so different from others here, worse, THE WORST, etc. And that is a total lie you are telling yourself. That lie will not help you, it will hinder your recovery.

You are NOT the worst off here. I have heard that so many times now it is a bit funny. When I was a Moderator here, we had several people similar to you, (and me-) people who truly thought they were the worst case ever. (And that includes me, because for a fairly long time, I thought I was the worst one here! And who knows, maybe I WAS!) But in the end, none of this really matters. What does matter is how much effort you put into helping yourself, by remaining positive, by learning as much as you can, and by trying to help someone OTHER than yourself.

I disagree with your feeling that most people dont try to tell the truth here. I did, on my Blog and Success Story. I attempted to describe the utter hell I lived in. I DID avoid yakking about it on this part of the forum, the Cold Turkey Dept.. I knew that I should fake it here, and tell the real truth “privately.” This strategy worked very well for me. I did not lie here, but I did avoid talking about how awful I felt, EXCEPT on my Blog and finally, in my Success Story. I think you know how difficult it is to explain these symptoms. It is beyond belief what some of us go through. Nothing prepared me for the hundreds of symptoms I had. It came as an enormous shock to this old Nurse.

You will get through this. Time is on your side, because the brain always tries to heal itself and almost always, it does.

Benzo Buddies doctor-bashers ridicule mentally ill member diagnosed with schizotypal disorder

Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« on: December 29, 2017, 03:39:11 am »

[Buddie]

I was diagnosed with schizotypal disorder today. That of course being my first sentence because holy crap really!!!! I am 13 months in and in shock to be honest. I almost feel relieved because finally there is a diagnosis but at the same time like what the heck. Holy crap it is nuts and what is even more nuts is that some days I am perfectly fine and great with other people, like nothing at all is wrong with me. I guess the question is what is right at this point, 13 months in. I cannot wait until this is over then I go through it and think, oh, maybe this is it?? Anyone have a similar experience.

Re: Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2017, 06:56:17 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on December 29, 2017, 03:39:11 am
I was diagnosed with schizotypal disorder today. That of course being my first sentence because holy crap really!!!! I am 13 months in and in shock to be honest. I almost feel relieved because finally there is a diagnosis but at the same time like what the heck. Holy crap it is nuts and what is even more nuts is that some days I am perfectly fine and great with other people, like nothing at all is wrong with me. I guess the question is what is right at this point, 13 months in. I cannot wait until this is over then I go through it and think, oh, maybe this is it?? Anyone have a similar experience.

Can you tell us what critical, empirical testing was done to confirm this “diagnosis”?

And do you believe it?

Re: Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2017, 09:02:17 pm »

[Buddie]

I read the wikipedia article about schizotypal disorder and I’m not convinced. This so-called disorder includes “unconventional beliefs” as a symptom, which seems very weird. At a certain point in time, psychiatrists started trying to classify everything as a disorder/disease so that other physicians would consider them as equals. The other day I read that they are trying to classify a disorder called “school refusal”. Can’t you just hate school or think the school system is crap without being considered mentally ill?!!

Re: Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2017, 10:46:30 pm »

[Buddie]

There are all kinds of words for all kinds of things.
Mostly they they explain nothing.
Words are not needed to steer through.

Re: Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2017, 04:02:49 am »

[Buddie]

Sounds like a shiney new term for Bipolar 1. I told my psych that  I am bipolar, and he didn’t believe me! So, I  had a phoney diagnosis for 15 years. These kind of things can make legal matters difficult, and can strip you of your own power. Please get a second opinion asap. Remember: a disease always needs a cure, meaning more pills. Research meds till your brain hurts. You will thank yourself in the end.  :thumbsup:

Re: Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2018, 01:11:38 pm »

[Buddie]

I myself have had several strange diagnoses: schizophrenia, ALS, borrelia, fibromyalgia, etc. What are you doing, it’s just so crazy! But I do not believe in these diagnoses, for my part it’s only withdrawal.

BENZO RAGE

Re: 18 - 30 Month Plus Group
« Reply #7315 on: December 07, 2017, 11:19:21 pm »

[Buddie]

[…] and […],

I’ve never experienced pain like I did when my new mattress was “off-gassing.” Farts I can handle. Farts 💨 that blow me into the next room can only come from Satan’s butthole. This pain from hell made me absolutely immobile screaming in bed unable to move a millimeter. On another thread I started, a couple of a$$holes chimed in saying how just picking up a golf ball is hard to do when you get old. Gee, thanks Yoda for being so understanding and compassionate.

You know where I’d like to shove his golf ball.

Well, I clearly understand the WITHDRAWAL pain you are all feeling. It is not of this world. It is flying screeching monkey pain. No wonder most people never come off these pills. At least they’re half zombified in pain, unlike us who are fully aware of every nook and cranny that’s being zapped and stabbed and stretched and yanked as we are disemboweled. Oh yes, I know how you feel.

[…]

Benzo Buddies members filled with hatred toward the medical profession

Pharmacist reaction
« on: June 05, 2017, 07:07:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Yesterday, I was picking my my Valium rx at my same old chain grocery store pharmacy and a new pharmacist was working. The pharmacy technician was ringing me up and the pharmacist came over and said, “You actually take these all at once?” (10mg pills and 2 mg pills, totaling up to 13mg a day).
I said, “No, I split it up into 3 doses through the day”. She looked at me like I was crazy. I told her “I’m tapering down and if you look at my history, I actually started at 20mg about 2 months ago. I’m under the supervision of a doctor and trying to get off this medicine.” The rx is even written out, “To be taken in 3 doses through the day”.
She said, “Aren’t you just super drowsy all the time, how are you walking around?” I was so befuddled.
I just smiled and said, “I’m doing fine, thank you for asking.” Signed for my rx and left. The nerve! This was the actual PHARMACIST!

What I wanted to say, “Lady, my body is begging for more of this damn medicine, I’m FAR from drowsy or even tired. Actually, I feel like I could climb a wall or jump out of my skin.” Oh well. She’s not my judge, she’s not my dr. I’m sure they see people on much higher doses of valium than 13 mg a day! I am not almost 40 years old, it shouldn’t be a shocker to see a grown woman getting a rx filled monthly, with monthly visits to the same dr, lowering doses!

Anyone else ever encountered a judgey pharmacist?

Who the hell is Don Killian?

Don Killian
« on: November 15, 2016, 02:42:52 pm »

[Buddie]

Don Killian has said he is not doing anymore videos and I’m personally gutted. his words of inspiration, hope and encouragement have kept me going. He supports out of the goodness of his own heart and researches endlessly. Because of some controversy and bad mouthing of Don, which I find disgusting, particularly as it’s from people he has helped get through this, he is wrapping up. Please, if you have had contact with Don or benefited from his videos and writings………. please let him know and encourage him to stay. WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET. I don’t understand how this can happen.

Benzo Buddies ghouls gang up on addict who relapsed

The abuse goes on for ELEVEN pages! They later accused poor Timmy of being a troll and a hacker. That’s the kind of support an addict gets at Benzo Buddies – no support at all. 🙁

It's over for me. ...........i did it again
« on: September 13, 2016, 05:32:05 pm »

[Buddie]

I couldn’t handle the intense pain last night of my depression it was so excruciating that i swallowed 3 mg of klonipin. I know people in here have tried to help me but i can tell you today that i give up. I cannot handle this intense withdtawal and i think it’s from kindling. If i can be a poster boy of what not to do, please learn from me.
Slowly taper and no rescue doses. I have the most severe depression thst i dont even think it helped. I just made another huge mistake and in sure it’s one il never recover from. I’m so sorry benzo buddies and in ashamed that im such a failure. I guess i couldn’t pull up my big boy pants. I’m leaving the site now and i don’t know what to do from here, but i obviously can’t handle this wirhdrawal. It’s way too much depression and chest pain. I’m out of answers and unfortunately you don’t get 2nd chances in life.

Re: It's over for me. ...........i did it again
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2016, 05:41:56 pm »

[Buddie]

<<yawn>>>

Re: It's over for me. ...........i did it again
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2016, 05:48:20 pm »

[Buddie]

So you either did not run out of all of them the other day, or you drove to the pharmacy in excruciating pain last night to get more. My feeling is you had them.You know I don’t really know what to say. Past experience for you has proved that reinstatements and rescue doses have done more harm than good for you. You have greatly regretted each time you have done so. Do you expect if to me different this time around. Your right, kindling has probably caused your withdrawal to be worse. I don’t know what your future plans are for Klonopin, but reaching tolerance quickly would not be out of the question for someone who has kindled. Is you plan to just keeping up your dose over time time you reach tolerance? I don’t know timmy. I think you should have tried to hang on a bit longer.

Re: It's over for me. ...........i did it again
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2016, 05:53:44 pm »

[Buddie]

Good grief, Timmy. I think you need to step back from all this and ask yourself some tough questions as there is obviously a lot more going on here than just withdrawing from benzos.

It’s been suggested, many times, that you have a plan in place for the time when w/d becomes too overwhelming for you. Have you done that? Simply posting on this forum after you’ve reinstated/changed meds/added new meds/reduce dosed does NOT constitute a plan.

Furthermore, you are both right and wrong in regards to not getting second chances in life. We actually don’t just get second chances….we get third, fourth, fifth, etc. The key to this however, is the ability to adapt, or change or accept your circumstances….something that you are indeed struggling with.

You’ve been on this forum long enough to know that benzos cause depression, so the fact that you continue to take them FOR depression is bewildering. Of course it didn’t help.

If you’re depressed, it would likely be in your best interest to start some intensive therapy, continue your long walks, get some sunshine and eat properly.

Re: It's over for me. ...........i did it again
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2016, 05:58:12 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on September 13, 2016, 05:53:44 pm
Good grief, Timmy. I think you need to step back from all this and ask yourself some tough questions as there is obviously a lot more going on here than just withdrawing from benzos.

It’s been suggested, many times, that you have a plan in place for the time when w/d becomes too overwhelming for you. Have you done that? Simply posting on this forum after you’ve reinstated/changed meds/added new meds/reduce dosed does NOT constitute a plan.

Furthermore, you are both right and wrong in regards to not getting second chances in life. We actually don’t just get second chances….we get third, fourth, fifth, etc. The key to this however, is the ability to adapt, or change or accept your circumstances….something that you are indeed struggling with.

You’ve been on this forum long enough to know that benzos cause depression, so the fact that you continue to take them FOR depression is bewildering. Of course it didn’t help.

If you’re depressed, it would likely be in your best interest to start some intensive therapy, continue your long walks, get some sunshine and eat properly.

The mental pain and anguish last night was just too much. I literally felt like my life was on the line. Worse is a friend gave them to me and now im totally out. This is really goung to kill me. I know il get flamed but the mental torture from kindling is so bad i had zero choice in my mind. I’m throwing in the towel. I am not capable of this obviously.

edit: fixed quotes
« Last Edit: September 13, 2016, 06:36:45 pm by [Buddie] »

Doctor-bashing World Benzodiazepine Awareness Day kooks make videos (for each other)

World Benzodiazepine Awareness day videos
« on: June 23, 2016, 03:48:51 am »

[Buddie]

This is the first video that someone posted in another thread:
https://youtu.be/2X6ZFmo3VBY
This is the second one. I am in it:
https://youtu.be/y1FrgpK7qUI
Here is a video on how you can participate:
https://youtu.be/0KnHYY7JKvk
A video made by a woman who lost her husband to bz WD:
https://youtu.be/PwJwti0vCog
This a video from Baylissa Frederick. Her website is recovery road and she wrote the book Recovery and Renewal:
https://youtu.be/CVuP8dHBAdY

They have decided to probably do a third video. You can go to the world benzodiazepine awareness Facebook page or website for more info if you want to make one. I also am happy to give info. They are also reintroducing the benzo bill in January in MA. I was too sick to attend the hearing last time, but I wrote a letter. Letters of support and stories are welcome from all states. I know change is happening and I hope others can get involved in whatever way you are capable.

Doctor-bashers turn on each other less than a month away from W-BAD – World Benzo Awareness Day

“We HAVE to stick together. We cannot NOT support any initiative that has even the remotest possibility of eliciting positive change. Please put any personal differences aside. Unless a proposed activity is illegal or unethical, please support it.” – Bliss Johns

“Preach!!! We are on the bleeding edges of a history making grass roots effort. We cannot afford division.” – Heather Solimine

“Also at issue here is how often I observe the benzo community turning on its own, hurting both well-meaning individuals and the larger benzo effort. Once judgment is declared, the conversation can turn so, so vicious. I think of Baylissa Frederick and Jennifer Austin Leigh, who have both given so much of themselves over the years to help people get through their hellish benzo journeys. They are positive, healing voices; both are highly knowledgable about patterns and methods involved in each person’s unique benzo journey and recovery. They both offer one of the few legitimate services for benzo discontinuation counseling and coping skills available. Yes, they do charge fees; but the costs are barely enough to sustain them. They do their work from a sense of purpose and need, with zero intent to exploit a vulnerable community. Yet over and over they are judged and attacked. And they always forgive and return because they are wonderful, deeply committed people who represent what is best about the community. But I worry; what if the day comes when one or both of them throw up their hands and say, Enough! ? Let’s protect our protectors. Let’s honor our warriors. All of them, which means all of you too —all who have or are experiencing benzo hell.” – Holly Hardman

http://www.asprescribedfilm.com/blog–notes/change-through-unity
https://www.facebook.com/BloominWellness/photos/a.184791441548985.50741.184782668216529/1300184013343050/?type=3