Benzo Buddies member: “my mind thinks my own father is going to turn on the gas while we are all sleeping and kill us all”

I'm 17 months out and not well now was doing great
« on: November 22, 2017, 12:23:21 pm »

[Buddie]

Hey everyone. I really need some help. Around 12 months off I was doing so well. From 12-17 months off that is. I never had a window where all my symptoms went away but they died down in intensity. Like almost a volume switch was slowly being turned down. Anyway guys, my main symptoms in this have always been paranoia, intrusive thoughts, fear, and can’t calm down feelings. Well anyways, my mind would always feel fear all the time and it would turn my thinking to things to actually be afraid of. I’m really obsessive and once my mind finds something to obsess in fear over I’m done for. The things I’m afraid of “could” actually happen, but the likely hood of these things happening
Is rare but my mind somehow tricks me into thinking that it will happen to me. It always has to do with being killed somehow or another. Right now I’m obsessing over the propane fireplace my parents have in the house. So I bought a carbon monoxide alarm to put into my room to help soothe the fear of “exploding” of someone leaves the gas on or fear of carbon monoxide poisoning. I even bought a gas alarm detector I have plugged into the wall where the fireplace is. I spent 60.00 on this stupid thing. My dad sleeps down near the fireplace because my parents aren’t together anymore since 2009. I don’t really trust my dad and ever since I was in tolerance withdrawal and cold turkeyed my
Paranoia has been focusing on my father and the person who is going to do things to hurt me. I guess I don’t trust him because of his anger issues and verbal abuse. So now my mind thinks my own father is going to turn on the gas while we are all sleeping and kill us all. Isn’t that so crazy to think? This just came out of the blue too, no threats were made it’s just my mind. Please guys please send me some encouragement to go on. I haven’t been sleeping much at all, I’m having total fear, intrusive thoughts, it’s like all the progress I made just went out the window. It really is sad.

FLICKO THE SICKO

Flick was a rather colorful member of Andrew Bressler’s benzowithdrawal.com and Colin Moran’s benzobuddies.org (Colin would later ban him). As readers can see, from Flick’s cannabis-fueled ramblings below, he was crazy, and DEEPLY involved in cults, long before he ever took a benzo, or heard of Ashton…

Nice post NC it’s good to feel that connection with Spirit, wherever it comes from. Personally maybe I will get into a bit of “head” stuff here myself, since I am a man after all. I find it interesting that the three biggest teachers in my life of spirituality died in the past year. Maharishi, Sri Chinmoy, and Adi Da. I learned the TM thing when I was 22 and strung out on hard drugs and could not quit them. The TM worked for me. I did it for years. Now there is a lot of controversy around Maharishi too, like maybe he approache Mia Farrow sexually, but that has pretty much been debunked now. Certainly there has been a kind of “cult” grown up around him and the “yogic flying” seems pretty silly. Still TM saved my life and Maharishi and his teachings have been very beneficial to many. I can’t find fault with his ideal of “world peace” through the vehicle of many people meditating. Now it is is easy for the doubt mind to debunk anything “spiritual” and always throw out the baby with the bath water.

When I was a young ballet dancer in New York, I went to an intro with Sri Chinmoy and this was my first experience of a transmission guru. I felt an intense descending light and bliss in his personal company and also meditatiing on his photo. I became a disciple and wore all white and tried to be celibate and hung out with Carlos Santana and John McGlauphlin who were also disciples. Now I could not handle the sort of strictness with that guru and the two musicians also left in their own time, but that does not devalue Sri Chinmoy or his group in any way. he was very respected in the United Nations did some cool yogic tricks with lifting weights and so forth. His transmission was very real and quite blissful also. Also is was pretty cultic around him , as it always is around a charismatic transmission guru. people like to feel blissful.

I came across Adi Da in 1975 in New York when I heard “Garbage and the Goddess” on WBAI radio “IN the Spirit” by lex Hixon. I had a bad flu and was so moved by Da’s laughter, that I had a sudden and spontaneous lifting of the flu. I read the KOL and saw a “A diffiicult Man” and went to California to join the community. This was the only time I have every felt actual transmission from a book. I felt it in all of Adi Da’s books. For most people, including myself, a relationship with Adi Da is a mixed bag. I felt incredible light and clear and conscious bliss and also states of non separation or “non duality” around him just like he always described in his books. There was always a hard edge to being a disciple of his though. And a certain sort of “darkness” , but I would not necessarily say it is the community’s darkness or Adi Da’s darkness. We all have our dark side and I tend toward depression and fear myself. This is a pretty weird life. Of course Adi Da was not your usual teacher or guru. I know people who were around him in the inner stuff and some feel bad about it and others feel just fine. I never was around the inner stuff and only got the “trickle down” Some people say they were hurt. I don’t know any of them personally except for a couple ahnd they are both still very angry. So everyone who was ever with Adi Da is still trying to figure the whole thing out. many play the “gotcha” game and he is easy to play this game with because of his controversial activities. I think it is a good thing to call out abuses in any arena , whether it be political or spiritual. I would say that George Bush has dwarfed any guru in history with his abuse of the whole world . So is goes round and round and we always feel abused by life itself. But Adi Da has passed now, and people are still so angry that they are beating a dead corpse. Wow I would check out this anger thing.

I am pretty versed in the Traditions since I have studied extensively in Buddhism and under Tibetan lamas and also zen and vipassana. These are real practicing schools. I have never been much attracted to the Ramana lineage myself , partially because it can be pretty mental and I have seen the circus that Poonjaji created by creating all these mini gurus like Andrew Cohen and Gangaji, both of which I have seen and I feel to be real “talking school” so to speak, Just my opinion and preference,

But many love Ramana Maharshi and also Sri Nisardagatta and I respect that for their practice with their teachings. There is certainly and incredible radiance coming off the photos of Ramana and this is not to be discounted. I feel that your really can tell something about a teacher by their photo. This is an intuitive matter and not a mental one.

I have also spent quite a bit of tiime around Ammachi , the hugging saint, and there is a very strong transmission with her too. Of course, many people debunk her too. And certainly it is somewhat “cultic” around her. So what .

I gave lots of money to Adi Dam and to Adi Da personally although it was all underground. I am pretty broke now , but i do not regret it . I felt good about it at the time and felt like i was doing some good with my money rather than hoarding something that never really belongs to you to start with. Generosity is a founding principle of Buddhism. Money comes and goes, and we are closer to death every moment, Flick Rahke

https://nonduality.org/2008/11/28/adi-da-is-dead/#comment-1175

Benzos not to blame for singer’s death