The void 🔳 (a feeling of nothingness, anyone experienced this?) « on: August 26, 2021, 04:53:54 pm »
Hi everyone. Hope you are holding on the best you can.
After my setback from antibiotics a year ago (that send me into CT like acute that I’m still recovering from), all the symptoms I had while tapering came back 1000 times worse and then some. But something is totally different. I’ll try my best to describe it. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever gone through.
It’s true that this whole benzo recovery time I have suffered from a severe case of dpdr, confusion, depressions and anhedonia (just to name a few). But now, for this whole year, there is another level to it. While the acute symptoms have started to ease a bit, for months I’ve felt like I am in a void of nothingness. I do not feel like I exist. I do not feel like the world exists. I do not feel anything. I can’t relate to anything. All human things seem pointless. All the drama and wants and needs and problems of humans feel pointless. It’s like I’ve been removed from the matrix and see behind it all.
I’m nowhere. I’m not here but I can’t say where I am. This feeling is beyond the unreality of dpdr. I had dpdr milder when I was in tolerance and it was nothing like this. It’s much deeper and scarier. I feel like I can’t relate to anything. Intellectually I know I am a soul but I can’t even feel my soul. There’s nothing. No memories, no persona, no attachment, no connection to my body, no wants or desires, no desire to live or to die. The most horrible place to be.
The best way to try to describe is this story of a long and bad acid trip that Ram Dass once experienced:
Gone out of life
Dead flat empty void
At the edge
What reality did I stumble into that seemed so empty and dead?
It didn’t have any opposite (life, vibrancy)
The adventure had gone out of life
The smell had gone out of the rose
Like knowing the ending to all mystery books before even reading them
It was all dead, flat, silent void
Everywhere I looked there was nothing”
This is the place I am currently in. Does this sound familiar to any of you? Is it “just” the same brain injury or is this something else like soul loss or dark night of the soul? I cannot seem to comprehend that what on earth might cause a darkness and nothingness like this. Feels it’s beyond the physical world.
« Last Edit: August 26, 2021, 07:33:53 pm by [Buddie] »