How do you cope? **Don't read this if you are sensitive**
« on: March 01, 2017, 08:57:00 pm »
I know everyone experiences this differently, but I am having the most horrendous depression that never ends. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on another hour. It just never ends… I feel like the whole time I was on Benzo’s (mostly for 1.5 years) I’ve been depressed and was just getting worse. But now that I’m off them, I’m not any better. It’s almost worse because I don’t have any options left except to try more antidepressants – I’ve tried over 12 in the past 2 years; 90% only tolerated for no more than a couple of days. I still have horrible depression and nothing is moving forward. I might get to the gym a few times a week but that’s basically my life. I spend days in my house; not going out or laying in my bed not sleeping… I don’t want to try anymore psychotropic medication but I don’t think I’m ever going to get any better without it. A big part of it is because I’m not working and just so bored without any inclination / motivation to do anything. But when you feel like sh*t all of the time, how do you get back to work / back to life? I don’t want to work just anywhere… that will make things worse for me I think. I just want to feel well enough to get back to at least half of what I was doing. I’m starting to believe that part of me has gotten so used to feeling like sh*t that my mind is just planning for the end. It’s like I don’t even want to try to survive this anymore. Does anyone feel this way? This is absolutely crazy! I feel like I’ve been so psychologically damaged by this whole experience (which started in Jan 2015 for the first time in my life) that I’m never going to get out. I have so much fear, anxiety, mental exhaustion, stress, worry, bad intrusive thoughts / major depression (which I also never had). Do I just go on suffering day after day? I mean my wife loves me but 2 years already of this crap and I haven’t been working for at least 3/4 of that. I’m not sure how long she’s going to be able to deal with this… no matter how much she cares about me. I used to be a very well paid sales executive and now klon. I feel like there’s no hope… and I’ve felt like that for 6 months now. I keep trying to do stuff (I just finished an insurance course for 2 weeks; got myself to class barely every day) but as soon as I have nothing in front of me, I’m done. Back to ultimate despair. I can’t distract; it’s cold where I live. My family comes and visits. I talk to one friend who knows what’s going on; all of my other friends are busy living their lives (I’m 42). I’m just in such a bad place. I can’t go to the hospital and be admitted to a psyche ward; that will really be the end of me. I already spent 2 months in a clinic for mood disorder (not knowing I was slowly being killed by Benzo’s)… and that just traumatized me beyond repair I think.
I can’t go on like this and wait it out… I’m alone all day while my wife is at work. I don’t even know if this is Benzo withdrawal or just major depression? I started taking Benzo’s first PRN and then I tried some AD’s and then I was placed on and off Klonipin with no small tapers.. so I just don’t know. That’s the worst, is not knowing.
Anyway, I’m just really messed up every day now with no hope. I’ve tried everything… I’m working with an ND in the UK (I live in Canada). He has some experience working with withdrawal but everything he wants to do is completely opposite to what’s suggested on this site. But I’m starting to think that not everyone is going to recover the same way. He is suggesting about 40 supplements per day to help with BDNF / brain regeneration, anxiety / stress control, and depression. I don’t even know if I can make it through the regiment he has planned for 6 weeks. That’s about as long as an AD will take though.
Whatever you do, don’t ever quit your job unless you absolutely have to. I made the mistake of making that decision when I was in inter-dose withdrawal and didn’t know it. I was also not grateful for what I had and thought that by eliminating that major stress, I would start to feel better. Things just spiralled downward from there. Now I’m paying the ultimate price.
Re: How do you cope? **Don't read this if you are sensitive**
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2017, 09:32:34 pm »
Also, I’m sorry I haven’t really supported anyone here. I’m just in a really bad place and it’s tough to support other people when you feel like you are suffering every day. If I ever get well again, I will be back to help support those who need it. But for now, I’m just trying to stay alive… however dramatic that sounds.