Addicted, not dependent

Just accept that you're an addict
« on: May 01, 2020, 10:17:11 am »

[Buddie]

Edit: I have made changes to this. There’s lots of good valid points on this website.

Throughout this withdrawal process, now that I’m 10 months in, I ask myself daily am I a drug addict or not? So these are the points that I told myself.

For starters, the non drug addict in me, the one that wants to not be labeled a drug addict, tells myself this. The doctor told me I had an anxiety condition at 17 years old and instructed me to take medication for it. So I took the medication as prescribed and sometimes even less. I didn’t like the way the medication felt, and I didn’t want to have to take anything but felt it was medically necessary. I actually went to detox against my doctor’s advice so that I can get off of them a couple years later. And I always had extras left over.

As for the drug addict in me, the one that my doctor’s and family and everybody is telling me that I am, it’s a different story. I had really bad anxiety so I wanted something that would make me feel calm right away, and only benzos did that. I would always go to a good doctor that was willing to prescribe large amounts because I needed large amounts.

When I went to the doctor, I would constantly say I have horrible anxiety even if it wasn’t that bad, I think I was being my own dramatic worst enemy. I always carry them around in a pill container, even after getting in trouble for it multiple times with the law. I took them everywhere I went. I thought about them all day long everyday because I knew they were in my pocket and if something got bad, I would take one. I didn’t take them more than prescribed, but I still took a lot.

Later on in life, living in Florida, they diagnosed me with essential tremor, so I no longer went to outpatient therapy or treatment. I just got my pills once every 6 months. So I had endless pills at home and I would make sure I refilled them early every month so that I would have extras. I would stockpile them and I would get happy that I had extras.

Later on, I was screwing around all day long in Colorado and smoking medical marijuana and taking my Valium, only to end up homeless. For the longest time, I thought it was everybody else’s fault. Looking back, it’s my life and I had the choice to take whatever I wanted but ended up on the street. And now I’m going through severe withdrawal.

If I had just taken them for a couple weeks like they suggested at the same time every day, and then quit without thinking about it and had really bad symptoms for a long time, I don’t think it would be an addiction problem.

So this is why I think I’m also a drug addict on top of having a physical dependency at this point, because when I look back at my life, it was really screwed up because of pills. Nobody forced me to take them. I knew that it was the pills messing things up but I couldn’t stop anyways. Yes it was because of the horrible withdrawal, but psychologically I needed help to do it.

There’s many people saying I’m not a drug addict because I took them as prescribed, well lots of people take things as prescribed and end up addicted. I think it’s just the bad reputation it gets and that’s why people don’t like to be called that.

So half of me wants to say yes I’m a drug addict and I take responsibility for it, but I still have that other side of me saying hey you didn’t do anything wrong it was prescribed and they told you to take it all day everyday for 20 years regardless of ending up on the street and in hospitals and jails and stuff like that.

And now that I’m 10 months out, I don’t really care if I’m a drug addict or not because it doesn’t change my situation or my symptoms or even the way that my doctor looks at me, because she thinks I’m a drug addict in the first place.

And then you have the fact where almost everybody thinks you’re a drug addict anyways, and if you argue with them, you just look stupid. Like it’s almost better just to say yeah I was addicted and I’m having a hard time and maybe they would help you out more.

However that can also go wrong, like with my family over the last couple months, when I was facing eviction, they were sitting there calling me a drug addict telling me I needed to go to recovery and I kept saying, I don’t have a problem, it was my choice to get off of them and they were prescribed. So they would tell me, I think you do have a problem and we’re not paying for a place to live because it’s your life and you’re a grown-up.

Now another thing to consider, I’m getting housing with Trillium the mental health company. And they are telling me recovery is possible from both mental health and substance abuse. So they’re not labeling me anything, they’re just saying you can recover from either. So basically we have mental health problems temporarily until we get better. It’s not meant to be permanent housing. So it doesn’t matter which category you’re in, they help you anyways.

Where the problem is, is with Social Security a few months back. They told me I was not entitled to disability benefits because I might have problems because of substances. That’s what the judge said, even though I was prescribed benzos for anxiety condition, he said he thought the medicine contributed to my problems. When clearly I already had the problems and that’s why I was taking the medication. That really pissed me off.

So there’s lots of things to consider, judges telling me I have substance abuse problem, family thinking I’m a drug addict, mostly everybody from the older generation saying I’m a drug addict. The newer generation says well it’s prescribed they can’t tell you that, almost like it’s a court case or something. So if you get really technical, things get really confusing.

But in my case, I’m pretty sure I had both physical dependency and an addiction problem. I mean if you’re sitting around counting your pills every month towards the end and thinking about them all day and how you feel all the time, and fearing running out again because you might end up homeless again, and always making sure the doctor prescribes as many as possible, you probably have an addiction problem.

I guess with benzos and prescribed opiates, if it’s prescribed, it’s one of those things you don’t want to admit that it’s addiction, and it’s not for everybody, but I don’t know anybody that doesn’t like them. So maybe people need to stop judging and it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Maybe they should just say if it’s prescribed it’s not a big deal.

The problem with prescribed or not, nurses in hospitals don’t care if it’s prescribed and whenever you go to a new doctor, they don’t care if it’s prescribed or not either. Each person is going to make their own judgment call.

And right now, I have my medical doctor saying it’s a brain injury but that I also have an addiction I’m recovering from, so it’s both. My pharmacist says well you probably were addicted but it was prescribed and you were taking it correctly so I kept feeling it. My family says well you were probably addicted but it was prescribed for 20 years for a reason, so it’s not a big deal. Everything is finally falling into place which is great.

But I will always look back at all of this and I will never forget the judge saying that the pills contributed to my mental health even though it was to help it, and I will never forget people judging me during a time when it was all about money and they were using addiction as an excuse not to help.

And throughout life, half of the people you talk to are going to say it’s a diction and half are going to say the doctors gave you a brain injury. So you might as well just accept whatever people think and go with it. What’s it going to hurt? Who cares, you don’t have to worry about doctors anymore. But I completely get it, it’s not good to be labeled a pill seeker and drug addict. I was even labeled a pill Seeker for asking for my propanolol at the State Hospital.

Was I seeking pills? Well technically, yes. I was asking for my prescription and they wrote it in my chart. Was it okay? No it wasn’t okay at all. They needed to give me my damn meds. Anyways, moving on, that’s my opinion at least.

I’m both a recovering prescription drug addict, as well as somebody that’s been damaged by doctors and Genentech, because it was their fault. That’s why they need to pay for all the damage they did.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2020, 02:51:39 pm by [Buddie] »

Pill gobbler hungry for new party drug after benzos let him down

Benzo Substitue
« on: February 13, 2018, 07:56:12 pm »

[Buddie]

Ok so I’ve gone the Benzo route and we all see how that went. I legit have anxiety – is there anything non-rebound/dependent out there?

Addict goes doctor shopping

Just a little rant against Doctors
« on: September 25, 2017, 07:50:51 pm »

[Buddie]

So I wasn’t sure where else to put this, but just wanted to get it off my chest. I went to see my 2nd p-doc within the last month in order to attempt to obtain a legitimate prescription to valium for the purposes of tapering. Also was looking for a script to remeron, since my sleep is still pretty bad even after reinstating. I made the mistake of mentioning tapering down, and switching over from the klonopin that I had previously been on. Big mistake. In the US, doctors just don’t get it. He actually said “well if there’s an addiction, we need to stop the benzos. You’ll feel a little anxiety for a few days, but then you’ll be ok” Lol. He then said but if you have GAD, and valium or klonopin seem to work for you, then we can go that route. I immediately said yes, I think I’ve have GAD. You see, docs just don’t want to get involved in the whole tapering business. It’s messy. I’m not sure if they’re completely ignorant to protracted WD, or if they just don’t want to get involved in a tapering schedule. With them, everything HAS to have a diagnosis. And if it’s benzo dependancy (addiction or not), than they are apparently almost never willing to write a script to taper. Because if it’s dependance, the solution is to get off the drug right NOW, find some other diagnosis, and put you on some other med that probably won’t help, and will likely make things worse. Long story short.. I get ONE WEEKS supply of valium and remeron, and have to go back in a week (another $150) to re-evaluate. I’m just going to stick to my GAD diagnosis and taper on my own. Hopefully he will trust me enough to change the visits to once a month.

Here is the real kicker: In the whole visit, he offered me gabapentin, paxil, effexor, anafranil (which I’d be willing to retry at some point b/c it of positive past with it). And the most outrageous of all.. He actually offered me buprenorphine (Suboxone) to help treat DEPRESSION!! Are you kidding me?? I was trying to be as personable and friendly as I could, so I just said “hmmm.. I haven’t been on opiates in about 8 months. That might have made a little more sense if I made the transition back then, but at this point, I’m not sure what the benefit would be?”. Come to find out, their have actually been clinical trials using buprenophine for depression, and it’s soon going to be a new depression treatment! What’s next? Oxycodone for depresssion? It makes you feel good, right? Anyway, he just refused to believe or accept that I’m trying to allow my brain to slowly recover from years of addictive psychotropic drugs. And that it takes time. But that’s just not how they think. It can’t last that long, they say. There must be some underlying condition that needs to be treated with a new drug. That’ll fix it. Sigh. Western medicine.. I guess that’s how they stay in business.

First question: “How do I find a doctor (who will give me benzos)? I fucking love them!”

My first question to everyone...
« on: February 26, 2017, 08:24:34 pm »

[Buddie]

How do I find a doctor that will taper me over a long period of time. All three tapers I have tried were between 1 and 3 months. And they all resulted badly, severe depression and anxiety along with cognitive effects and pain.
It seems like every doctor knows how to prescribe Benzos and I can’t find one to taper me off them without crashing me.
3mg clonazapam for 17 years. Was great for the first year and the years after just got worse and worse. It has changed me for the worse in so many ways.

“Looking for Dr. Wonderful!”

I loLooking for Dr Wonderful
« on: September 07, 2016, 12:15:07 am »

[Buddie]

Here I am again, trying to find a doctor who will work with me on a valium withdrawal from temazapam as outlined in the Ashton manual. The nearest doctor is a 4hr drive away and charges up front $250 for the first visit and $115 for subsequent ones, which may or may not be reimbursed by my ins. co. Does any one know of a Doc Wonderful in Sacramento. I am desperate for help so will probably suck up the car ride and price gouging.

Psychiatrist cuts off accidental’ addict, panic ensues

WHAT LEGAL RIGHTS TO WE HAVE WHEN DOC DECIDES NOT TO REFILL PRESCRIPTION?
« on: April 28, 2016, 01:07:06 am »

[Buddie]

I am tapering from klonopin and working with a wacky psychiatrist. I am three days short of doses before I see him next. Instead of calling the pharmacy to get me enough until I see him next he calls me and leaves me a message saying he doesn’t have time to call the pharmacy. He suggests I “stretch it out”. What?  If I had epilepsy would you tell me to stretch it out. The pharmacy won’t refill because it’s a “controlled substance”.
WHAT RIGHTS DO WE HAVE? I don’t want to be addicted to this medication but I am and I have to deal with that. What do you all recommend (besides getting a new doc)? I’m tapering not updosing so why is he so freaked about calling in a few extra days for me???
Thanks
[…]

Hungry addicts offer each other doctor-shopping tips

What to Do When You Have a Clueless Prescriber?
« on: March 02, 2016, 09:59:17 pm »

[Buddie]

I am currently seeing a nurse practitioner who prescribes my Klonopin. Although I have told her since Day 1 that this drug is ruining my life and all I want is to come off it safely, she refuses to acknowledge that the litany of symptoms and side effects I’m experiencing are from the benzo and they are all just from the under lying anxiety disorder. Since my agoraphobia, insomnia and depersonalization have gotten a lot worse she now wants to put me on Paxil when I have told her explicitly that since I know how bad the discontinuation can be from Paxil added to the fact that no SSRI’s have helped that I want no part of it. She also says when it’s time to get off of the Klonopin, Buspar and Gabapentin will make it easy which we all know is not true at all. I don’t want to lie to her but I need to Klonopin to continue my taper. I don’t know how all you people are able to work with your medical professionals during my taper but I’ve been looking for one who understands for over three years and cannot find one and it’s the most frustrating thing I’ve ever experienced. I got unwittingly addicted because of these people but they won’t help me come off or even acknowledge that they’re causing or even contributing to my symptoms? What should I do? I’ve tried to find another prescriber but if I go in and say “I want to come off of Klonopin” they usually say “Ok, here’s a month’s worth and a prescription to Lexapro and then I’ll never prescribe anymore.”. I really feel lost and don’t know if I should just do the taper on my own while putting on the facade that I’m actually taking the Paxil.

Re: What to Do When You Have a Clueless Prescriber?
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2016, 10:46:10 pm »

[Buddie]

I don’t know if this is a good idea for you, but what I did was just tell my prescribernwhatnshe wanted to,hear so I could get my prescriptions. I tapered quickly because I hated doing that, but didn’t wanting risk any issues. i would be careful to do nothing that would risk yor refills,

Drug-seeking addict seeks cult’s help in finding new doc to supply pills

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« on: February 25, 2016, 08:12:04 pm »

katz09899

Anybody else struggling to get their doctor to believe them about their protracted benzo withdrawal? When I see my dr. he asks me how I’m doing but then gets irate when I tell him the truth. He insists that benzo withdrawals only last 7-14 days ( it’s been 5 months for me so far). He’s accused me of pill seeking even though I’ve never asked for medications, and has even told me “you’re better than this”. I’m so frustrated. How do you go about finding a Dr. with experience treating benzo withdrawal? I’m not looking for meds, just someone who acknowledges that I feel the way I feel.

Re: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2016, 08:20:14 pm »

[Buddie]

WOW. Just wow. What’s wrong with your doctor? Arrogance? Ignorance? Lack of empathy for his suffering patients? I could go on. Is this the same doctor who gave you the benzos to start with and got you into this mess? Wasn’t HE better than that? I’m sorry you are dealing with such a doctor Katz. When I hear about doctors treating those of us struggling with benzo withdrawal in such an ignorant and callous manner, it makes my blood boil. IMO its time to find another doctor.


[…]

Re: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2016, 08:27:24 pm »

katz09899

Yes, he’s the same Dr. that prescribed them to me 8 years ago.

Re: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2016, 08:28:48 pm »

[Buddie]

HE IS AN IDIOT ! That is what is wrong with him !! You are 5 trillion times better than him. Don’t pay any attention. My dr. pretty much said same thing to me. Thank God we know better now. I would never go to him again.

Re: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2016, 08:29:10 pm »

[Buddie]

‘Withdrawal’ means removal of the drug, so he’s seeing this as having been accomplished already. You’re left with the process of recovering from the temporary damage the benzo has done…the healing or recovery process, which is very symptomatic for those of us who find ourselves here searching for answers. Docs get caught up in semantics and lack of information on the length of time it takes for the GABA receptors to heal. And that’s how they let us down as patients, by not validating this.

Benzo-wise doctors are few and far between, most of us must go this on our own. It’s a shame that most of our doctors aren’t better educated about what benzodiazepines can do over time.

Re: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2016, 09:37:57 pm »

katz09899

I had read somewhere that it was called “PAWS”, for Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Which most if not all Drs. who prescribe these meds have no real knowledge of the harm these meds cause. I too searched for some Dr. to help me and only got frustration from the ones I turned to. I tried Drs. and drug clinics and didn’t find much support. I just wanted someone to “listen” and be compassionate and encouraging and the only place that I have found the support I needed was here at BB. Sharing back and forth really helps, keep doin it. Keep reaching out. Thanks to everyone who has helped me.