Mother worries about chattering son’s violent fantasies

Non stop chattering
« on: October 17, 2018, 04:07:20 pm »

[Buddie]

This is my son’s account. I am posting this for advice.

Forgetting all the backstory here is current problem:

He talks incessantly all day long about how he needs to die and other obsessive issues. He regularly threatens physical violence to us and himself. Before you suggest hospitalization, we’ve already been down that road a number of times.

Is there some sort of way to stop the talking and threats? And I don’t mean with a drug or a hospital. These are withdrawal symptoms. He has been off Ativan for 55 days now.

Unsupervised benzo tapers putting lives at risk

please help me
« on: July 11, 2018, 04:21:25 am »

[Buddie]

ambulance just left my house. was talking to my husband. i felt very dizzy. started to vomit and some stomach cramps. my legs shaking uncontrollably. felt like i was gonna pass out. then the chest pain and arm pain. called 911. ambulance came. ekg ok. blood pressure good. heart rate ok. they told me i was just anxious. didnt recommend i go to er. i literally felt like i was going to die right then and there. i have never felt anything so scary. i am still nauseous and my left arm hurts. about 50 days into my slow klonopin withdrawal. bam! out of nowhere this came. i was decent up until tonight. anyone can reassure? anyone have a nightmarish thing like this? i was feeling like i had to say goodbye to my kids for good. does this mean i should go back up and drop the wean. i cannot go through this every night

“All of this led me to start obtaining illicit benzos and just eating them like candy… I took the first one and I could feel a wave of euphoria run over me as the anxiety melted away into nothing… I’m not an addict!”

How to deal with the doctor
« on: July 01, 2018, 02:47:49 pm »

[Buddie]

Ill start at the beginning of my story as I feel its appropriate. I developed psychosis when I started university 4 years ago which was debilitating and somewhat scary this then led to me doing cocaine and somewhat overdosing. Since the OD I haven’t touched coke but it seems that the psychosis and OD had left me with severe anxiety. I went along to the GP who gave me a range of drugs which included diazepam and zopiclone and I would just go back and see the doctor from time to time and get more diazepam and zopiclone as needed. Now I didn’t take them everyday just when I had to do something that would really aggravate me. Now I have no doubt I got addicted to the diazepam as soon as I took the first one, it was just 2mg but it was pure bliss, I took the first one and I could feel a wave of euphoria run over me as the anxiety melted away into nothing and I felt normal which I hadn’t done in a long time.

I then had to move GP’s but it was fine as they sent me to a psych who instead of giving me 2mg when I felt like it she gave me 5mg 3x a day. Now at the time the 2mg just didn’t do anything and I don’t know why I kept taking them as they weren’t working except for sleep. Now I’m sure this should have been a warning sign to the doctor of impending dependence but it didn’t cross anybody’s mind. This GP was fine and handed them out like candies which was great (to me at the time) but then I again had to move due to uni but this time it was much further away from home in another county.

This is where the full nightmare begins, I go register at the nearest GP and make an appointment to set up repeat prescriptions. This is where I find out there are some really tricky, untrustworthy worthless doctors who shouldn’t be in the profession. I tell him what I was on with the boxes so he can see for himself and an actual unfilled prescriptions. I was on 2 anti d’s, stomach things, codeine and diazepam with an occasional zopiclone. This doctor rather than being helpful and courteous goes off on me about have diazepam and codeine are addictive and proceedes to tell me I will only be getting the one prescription on diazepam off him and that would be my lot.

So I continue just taking them as normal and when I come to run out I make an appointment to get more to which he refused. I left and started going into withdrawal after the second day which was truly horrific and I really couldn’t cope with it all. I make another appointment with the doctor whom again refuses the diazepam but give me zopiclone to help me sleep (only 10 3.75mg tablets and I was on 7.5mg). This gave me 7 days of comfort from the withdrawals and to make a plan on what to do. In the end I ordered them of the internet as I couldn’t trust my doctor to deliver appropriate care so had to take the matter into my own hands. Anyway I ran out of zopiclone and went back to the doctor with withdrawals but this time the withdrawals were taking there toll, I this time beg the doctor for more diazepam and said that it wasn’t fair that he abruptly stopped my medication and was agains prescription guidelines. All he said to me was “that is not true and the typical response from a drug seeking patient“, I didn’t know what to do I mean I’m not an addict but this hurt me that he could have been so cruel while I just wanted help. This led me to attack the doctor which wasn’t my finest moment and was kicked out of uni.

All of this led me to start obtaining illicit benzos and just eating them like candy. The accusations and non help of a doctor again happened when I moved practice again and went round the same thing again.

Now I’m on a stable dose of 3mg of Lorazepam which I really want to come off using diazepam but would need the doctors help to do this. Im planning on another doctors office to see if I can get anywhere with them as I’m desperate to come off these drugs now and need proper help. Ive also been refused therapy, counselling and mental health services and am currently seeing a addiction centre for it but they haven’t deal with benzos before so don’t know what they are doing at all and I really don’t trust them, I meant how can I cut up a rather small tablet into 16 evenly sized pieces? How the hell do I do this it really seems impossible for me at the moment and I also dosnt help I’m on probation so if I get caught with them I have to serve at least 6 months in prison.

14 months of brainwashing fails as cult member goes back on medication

Bit the bullet...
« on: December 03, 2017, 05:06:34 pm »

[Buddie]

So today I decided that I have suffered enough… 14 months. I’ve decided to take Zoloft at 25mg to start. It may make things better, it may make things worth however, at this point in my recovery I have nothing to lose because my depression is getting worse by the day. Thank you everyone for your support and listening to my rants. I’ve tried everything to stabilize… maybe some people who did the same will chime in and give me some hope.

love to all,

Doctor bashers bully suicidal patient

I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
 « on: November 17, 2017, 05:19:42 am »

[Buddie]

I’m trying so hard not to go back on Klonopin but I can’t take much more of this. My anxiety and akathisia is so bad I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending panic attack. How can I be feeling this bad 15 months off benzos? I feel worse now than I did when I started my taper.

edit: self-harm reference removed.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2017, 05:39:29 am by [Buddie] »

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2017, 05:31:28 am »

[Buddie]

Hi […],
Your 15 months off this crap, you hang in there!!!!
It does get better. I’m just about 17 months off and life is good. You can do this. Reinstatement could make things worse then what’s going on now.
Think it threw real good before you do that.
Imo if you’ve went threw 15 months your very close to feeling better.
Don’t give up !!
We all heal !! Yeah I know waiting is hard with symptoms. But distract and stay positive. It’s coming 😁😁 […]

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2017, 06:09:14 am »

[Buddie]

Keep battling!!!!

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2017, 06:18:00 am »

[Buddie]

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so bad. How did you do your withdrawal? I’m just curious. Your signature just says that you jumped.

Anyway, I agree with […] that you should try to not reinstate. There was a reason that you decided to stop taking klonopin. It wasn’t working for you in some respect. Going back on it will probably just bring that problem up again.

It doesn’t help to compare time lines. People heal at different rates. I don’t think anybody understands why it’s that way or can predict who will heal faster/slower. A few days ago, I read a very positive post from a buddie who had been feeling very poorly for longer than you have, and in the past two months, it’s gotten significantly better for her.

How are you doing otherwise? Are you eating well? What kinds of things are you still able to do? Sucks that you’re suffering from akathisia. Does that prevent you from getting out or are you just uncomfortable in certain situations? I think people who are able to get out and at least take a long walk are better able to cope with their anxiety. Long walks are great distractions. I rode a bike a lot during my withdrawal. Not very fast, but sometimes for hours.

I need to mention that I removed part of a sentence from your original post on this thread. It referred to thoughts of self-harm and those kinds of comments can be really upsetting to some of our members. Many are just as anxious as you, and they don’t need any extra ‘excitement’. I hope you understand.

I know this ordeal is difficult, but for those who see it through, it works out. Try to relax as best you can. Distraction and mindfulness are your allies. Hang in there, and try not to despair.

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2017, 09:17:43 am »

[Buddie]

I know I shouldn’t reinstate Klonopin but if I can’t cope, I don’t really have a choice. Klonopin completely ruined my life. I’m actually seeing a psychologist in January for disability benefits because there’s no way I can work with the tremendous amount of anxiety and depression I experience on a daily basis. I feel like a totally different person. I don’t enjoy any of the activities that I used to enjoy. I used to build computers and program applications for fun. I’ve totally lost interest in that. It’s like I’m stuck in a dysphoric state of mind and nothing satisfies me anymore. Distracting myself is nearly impossible because I can’t get my problems and thoughts of harming myself out of my head. Also, I’ve turned into a recluse because it’s become extremely hard for me to talk to people. I can’t hold a conversation. I speak in very short and sometimes incomplete sentences. I’m hoping the psychologist will notice all of this so I get disability benefits.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2017, 09:22:45 am by [Buddie] »

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2017, 09:36:45 am »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on November 17, 2017, 05:19:42 am
I’m trying so hard not to go back on Klonopin but I can’t take much more of this. My anxiety and akathisia is so bad I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending panic attack. How can I be feeling this bad 15 months off benzos? I feel worse now than I did when I started my taper.

edit: self-harm reference removed.

Hi […]  I know its a little further out than you are now but I’m sure you’d be more than welcomed to join this group their nice people its the 18 to 30 month post jump group http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=141544.0;topicseen. I hope its of help to you 

Love […] xxx 

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2017, 12:46:57 pm »

[Buddie]

Are you taking any other poison right now that doctor prescribed you?

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2017, 03:55:42 pm »

[Buddie]

Nope, I’m not taking any prescription medication.

Re: I might have to reinstate Klonopin.
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2017, 07:55:00 pm »

[Buddie]

Hang in there. Kpin turned it’s back on me and I would never take that rat poison again. If I took it again, I feel it would makes things even worse.

BENZO BELLY NIGHTMARES

Benzo Belly
« on: November 15, 2017, 04:33:52 am »

[Buddie]

Before I started my taper, I worked out every day, ate super healthy, and was in tip top shape. Standing at 5’8″, I weighed about 185 lbs, and was 7% body fat. Then I began my taper 9 months ago, and of course everything changed. During my 6 month taper, I could not work out, better yet even go walking. During that time period I gained 10 lbs (no help to the Remeron I was on for insomnia), and went from 7% body fat to about 30%. Yeah I know, all those years of hard work in the gym, I went from looking like a body builder to looking like I had the biggest beer belly ever. (all the body fat is basically in my abdominal region). I quit taking the Remeron 2 months ago, and I basically lost 25 lbs in 1 month. This was due to kicking Remeron and not eating at all for the 1st month in withdrawal. So anyways, I’ve been running for 30 mins a day, usually within the 3 mile range, and even been doing intermittent fasting. The problem is that I have only lost like 3 lbs total within the past 2 months, and I’ve been running every day and eating extremely healthy. It’s crazy because even though I weigh 160 lbs, my body fat is still around 20%. This is so frustrating because I’ve lost all this weight, but my body fat doesn’t seem to want to go away. I’m starting to blame benzo withdrawal for this and lack of sleep (you burn about 80 calories per hour when you sleep, and I’m dealing with am extreme case of insomnia). Has anyone else had trouble kicking body fat around the abdominal region, even with rigorous exercise? If so, how long was it before you started making some serious progress? Thank you!

Re: Benzo Belly
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2017, 10:45:02 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m surprised no one answered this, as I figured many people have the same problem. I’m old, 65 years, but I certainly felt the extra fat especially in my middle region, and had terrible benzo belly. It seemed as if I was lugging around extra fat all over. I especially gained weight right when my taper was over with. I don’t weigh myself, but at one point I weighed 116 according to the doctor’s scale. Then after tapering was finished I was weighed again, and I weighed 130! It seems that just recently I’ve noticed a change. My body is getting to the same level it was before benzos. I’m a very slow healer, though, and have had severe symptoms. I really think there must be something about benzos being stored in the muscles and fat. I’ve never had this before. I’m sure you’ll recover sooner and have the body you used to have!