Addicted, not dependent

Just accept that you're an addict
« on: May 01, 2020, 10:17:11 am »

[Buddie]

Edit: I have made changes to this. There’s lots of good valid points on this website.

Throughout this withdrawal process, now that I’m 10 months in, I ask myself daily am I a drug addict or not? So these are the points that I told myself.

For starters, the non drug addict in me, the one that wants to not be labeled a drug addict, tells myself this. The doctor told me I had an anxiety condition at 17 years old and instructed me to take medication for it. So I took the medication as prescribed and sometimes even less. I didn’t like the way the medication felt, and I didn’t want to have to take anything but felt it was medically necessary. I actually went to detox against my doctor’s advice so that I can get off of them a couple years later. And I always had extras left over.

As for the drug addict in me, the one that my doctor’s and family and everybody is telling me that I am, it’s a different story. I had really bad anxiety so I wanted something that would make me feel calm right away, and only benzos did that. I would always go to a good doctor that was willing to prescribe large amounts because I needed large amounts.

When I went to the doctor, I would constantly say I have horrible anxiety even if it wasn’t that bad, I think I was being my own dramatic worst enemy. I always carry them around in a pill container, even after getting in trouble for it multiple times with the law. I took them everywhere I went. I thought about them all day long everyday because I knew they were in my pocket and if something got bad, I would take one. I didn’t take them more than prescribed, but I still took a lot.

Later on in life, living in Florida, they diagnosed me with essential tremor, so I no longer went to outpatient therapy or treatment. I just got my pills once every 6 months. So I had endless pills at home and I would make sure I refilled them early every month so that I would have extras. I would stockpile them and I would get happy that I had extras.

Later on, I was screwing around all day long in Colorado and smoking medical marijuana and taking my Valium, only to end up homeless. For the longest time, I thought it was everybody else’s fault. Looking back, it’s my life and I had the choice to take whatever I wanted but ended up on the street. And now I’m going through severe withdrawal.

If I had just taken them for a couple weeks like they suggested at the same time every day, and then quit without thinking about it and had really bad symptoms for a long time, I don’t think it would be an addiction problem.

So this is why I think I’m also a drug addict on top of having a physical dependency at this point, because when I look back at my life, it was really screwed up because of pills. Nobody forced me to take them. I knew that it was the pills messing things up but I couldn’t stop anyways. Yes it was because of the horrible withdrawal, but psychologically I needed help to do it.

There’s many people saying I’m not a drug addict because I took them as prescribed, well lots of people take things as prescribed and end up addicted. I think it’s just the bad reputation it gets and that’s why people don’t like to be called that.

So half of me wants to say yes I’m a drug addict and I take responsibility for it, but I still have that other side of me saying hey you didn’t do anything wrong it was prescribed and they told you to take it all day everyday for 20 years regardless of ending up on the street and in hospitals and jails and stuff like that.

And now that I’m 10 months out, I don’t really care if I’m a drug addict or not because it doesn’t change my situation or my symptoms or even the way that my doctor looks at me, because she thinks I’m a drug addict in the first place.

And then you have the fact where almost everybody thinks you’re a drug addict anyways, and if you argue with them, you just look stupid. Like it’s almost better just to say yeah I was addicted and I’m having a hard time and maybe they would help you out more.

However that can also go wrong, like with my family over the last couple months, when I was facing eviction, they were sitting there calling me a drug addict telling me I needed to go to recovery and I kept saying, I don’t have a problem, it was my choice to get off of them and they were prescribed. So they would tell me, I think you do have a problem and we’re not paying for a place to live because it’s your life and you’re a grown-up.

Now another thing to consider, I’m getting housing with Trillium the mental health company. And they are telling me recovery is possible from both mental health and substance abuse. So they’re not labeling me anything, they’re just saying you can recover from either. So basically we have mental health problems temporarily until we get better. It’s not meant to be permanent housing. So it doesn’t matter which category you’re in, they help you anyways.

Where the problem is, is with Social Security a few months back. They told me I was not entitled to disability benefits because I might have problems because of substances. That’s what the judge said, even though I was prescribed benzos for anxiety condition, he said he thought the medicine contributed to my problems. When clearly I already had the problems and that’s why I was taking the medication. That really pissed me off.

So there’s lots of things to consider, judges telling me I have substance abuse problem, family thinking I’m a drug addict, mostly everybody from the older generation saying I’m a drug addict. The newer generation says well it’s prescribed they can’t tell you that, almost like it’s a court case or something. So if you get really technical, things get really confusing.

But in my case, I’m pretty sure I had both physical dependency and an addiction problem. I mean if you’re sitting around counting your pills every month towards the end and thinking about them all day and how you feel all the time, and fearing running out again because you might end up homeless again, and always making sure the doctor prescribes as many as possible, you probably have an addiction problem.

I guess with benzos and prescribed opiates, if it’s prescribed, it’s one of those things you don’t want to admit that it’s addiction, and it’s not for everybody, but I don’t know anybody that doesn’t like them. So maybe people need to stop judging and it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Maybe they should just say if it’s prescribed it’s not a big deal.

The problem with prescribed or not, nurses in hospitals don’t care if it’s prescribed and whenever you go to a new doctor, they don’t care if it’s prescribed or not either. Each person is going to make their own judgment call.

And right now, I have my medical doctor saying it’s a brain injury but that I also have an addiction I’m recovering from, so it’s both. My pharmacist says well you probably were addicted but it was prescribed and you were taking it correctly so I kept feeling it. My family says well you were probably addicted but it was prescribed for 20 years for a reason, so it’s not a big deal. Everything is finally falling into place which is great.

But I will always look back at all of this and I will never forget the judge saying that the pills contributed to my mental health even though it was to help it, and I will never forget people judging me during a time when it was all about money and they were using addiction as an excuse not to help.

And throughout life, half of the people you talk to are going to say it’s a diction and half are going to say the doctors gave you a brain injury. So you might as well just accept whatever people think and go with it. What’s it going to hurt? Who cares, you don’t have to worry about doctors anymore. But I completely get it, it’s not good to be labeled a pill seeker and drug addict. I was even labeled a pill Seeker for asking for my propanolol at the State Hospital.

Was I seeking pills? Well technically, yes. I was asking for my prescription and they wrote it in my chart. Was it okay? No it wasn’t okay at all. They needed to give me my damn meds. Anyways, moving on, that’s my opinion at least.

I’m both a recovering prescription drug addict, as well as somebody that’s been damaged by doctors and Genentech, because it was their fault. That’s why they need to pay for all the damage they did.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2020, 02:51:39 pm by [Buddie] »

New Benzo Buddies suicide threat

Goodbye
« on: October 11, 2019, 09:38:57 pm »

[Buddie]

I can’t go on anymore. My will to fight is gone. Deep down I know some of these symptoms are permanent. I had chronic anxiety even before benzos. I can’t distract from my thoughts. They race and race and torment me all day long. Im scared of every thought that comes into my head but there is a magnet preventing me from externalizing. I’m walking around stuck in my head with looping thoughts and earworms. Too many people so many years off and still going through this shit. You have so much strength to be able to endure this for so long. I hope someone finds a cure to this horrible satanic torture. Wishing everyone the best.

15 month Klonopin taper failing after Benzo Buddies runs John123 into a ditch

Moving Residences During the Taper; Ever Done Before?
« on: August 16, 2019, 03:37:10 pm »

John123

Hi BB. My taper is going pretty well since I started in early March. I taper 5% every 2 weeks on a daily dry cut basis of Klonopin. My main withdrawal symptoms are persistent low level anxiety, some brain fog, agitation and chest pressure. I call this my Window. Every few weeks I seem to get a wave for about 2 days where I am basically laid up in bed immobilized. I do not currently work.

My taper of 15 months is scheduled to end on June 1 next year. It now looks like I will have to move out of State ( in the US) during this taper.

My question is whether any BB out there has had to move residences during their taper and how did it go? This would be helpful for me even if the move is not far.

Thank you!


I currently take Kolonopin 1.5 mg per day. I am planning to start on 2/25/19 to taper using the Mortar and Pestle method and scale. I am planning to start with a very conservative taper schedule and see how I do for the first two months.

Current symptoms: waking up very early with chest pressure and panic, morning chemical anxiety, brain fog, headaches, difficulty concentrating.

Big Pharma blamed for Benzo Buddies member’s scary trip to the zoo

Setback from walking too much?
« on: August 05, 2019, 06:54:20 pm »

[Buddie]

Went to the zoo with my son and my family in law yesterday and walked so much. Now today my whole body is aching and burning from head to toe and I’m so scared. Has this happened to anyone? Everything burns worse than fire and the pain is so deep across my back, arms, legs, everywhere. Trying hard not to cry at work. This will go away right?

Brainwashed Benzo Buddies member begs cult to stop .0008mg of benzodiazepine

Jumping vs .0008
« on: July 29, 2019, 08:03:22 pm »

[Buddie]

Down to the last push of a daily microtaper. If you are stable for the most part at a crumb say .0008 of medication. What is the outlook of jumping? I mean is there really any major difference to being on .0008 and zero? Or is the complete absence of the medication something to brace for. I have read mixed reviews, please share you knowledge and experience. Also has anyone jumped from that low of a tapered amount?

Jelly legs worse than benzo belly?

Alright, this is not just jelly legs
« on: July 26, 2019, 09:22:11 pm »

[Buddie]

So I am between 2-3 months out of C/t rapid detox (had some overlap of drugs they gave in hospital)
As awful as it gets with a host of symptoms, but my most profound physical symptoms is beyond jelly legs.
My legs started out where I couldn’t lift them or walk at all, and they began contracting nonstop, the clenthcing was very large and you could totally see it happening….they did this for 6 weeks straight without EVER stopping even if I slept, which most of time I didn’t. They then started calming down a bit and have settled into a constant movement of muscles and twitching (both surface and deep)
They have still never stopped. When I walk (can walk from room to room and stand in shower) they just start getting worse.
So here I am, cannot walk on them to make them stronger and they cannot ever rest to heal. Because even when resting them….they are moving. It is an unbelievable, impossible situation.
Anyone relate?
Btw…I am a mom and was a competitive athlete until the last 10 months of all these meds. Not being active is hindering my recovery, and we all know that these drugs have destroyed life as we know it. But not being able to use my legs…is stopping me from everything

Benzo addicts resentful of opiate addicts

My reaction to an opiod withdrawal video
« on: July 17, 2019, 09:52:19 pm »

[Buddie]

Just got finished watching a Ted talk by someone who had a rough time coming off of prescribed opiates.

He was on stage crying in the middle of his speech, and my first thought was “Cool story bro. Let me tell you about benzodiazepines”.

I know the opiod issue has a lot in common with the benzo issue and I’m not saying that opiod withdrawal isn’t awful or that we should look down on anyone who has had that experience, but it kind of bothers me that for years I have been dealing with something that most people claim is worse than opiod withdrawal, yet no one really wants to acknowledge that it is a problem.

Where is our Ted talk? At least everyone acknowledges the opiod issue and they are taking some steps to correct it, benzos are barely part of the prescription drug conversation.

Re: My reaction to an opiod withdrawal video
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2019, 12:39:49 am »

[Buddie]

Where is our Ted talk?

Excellent question, […]! I’ve been wondering the same thing. Maybe since it’s not readily accepted quite yet that these drugs have been part of a “silent epidemic,” there’s fear in coming forward? Something is holding people back from full public acknowledgment and disclosure. I would certainly like that to end NOW.

I’d be a poor public speaker with horrible stage fright. But to have someone take that step of giving a TED talk would be a breath of fresh air!

62-year-old woman at end of her rope after being abused by Benzo Buddies

Checking in after 4.5 years
« on: April 01, 2019, 08:04:08 am »

[Buddie]

Just wanted to stop by to check in as it’s been a few years. I bounced in to BB in 2014 whe I was about to get off my clonopin. I was a mess. Well I got off them and became more of a mess. Then put on Prozac and gabapentin.

Here’s my timeline now:

4.5 years off benzos
2.2 years off Prozac
2 years off gabapentin

Med free

It’s been grueling. I live all alone with no support except online. I had to keep working to stay off the streets which has been extremely difficult. I declared bankruptcy after I spent 12,000.00 on an amino acid therapy and countless other things I thought would help.

My symptoms are still extreme and all mental, psychological, emotional, spiritual and cognitive. I’m scared and alone.

I thought I would reach out to you all. I have had no windows or any breaks though I’m better than I was 4 years ago. In total it’s been about 10 years of hell on and off meds. So I’ve lost hope. 2010 was wake up call when I rapid tapered off Xanax and nearly died while unconscious. Fortunately my Neigbors found me and I woke up in a hospital with extreme hallucinations for 3 weeks. Once released I had to go back to work but couldn’t so they put me on clonazepam. On and on until I got worse and worse with more meds (ad’s)

Then found BB

Long story long road

Like many others

Anyway here I am med free and could use some hope if your not to busy

I’m 62 and it doesn’t seem or feel like I’ll ever heal. Maybe something else is wrong but had 2 MRIs and tests which bankrupt me. So now I’m just trying to keep a roof over my head.

All I want is to be well to feel love and joy and know what well being feels like again.

Thank you

Mother worries about chattering son’s violent fantasies

Non stop chattering
« on: October 17, 2018, 04:07:20 pm »

[Buddie]

This is my son’s account. I am posting this for advice.

Forgetting all the backstory here is current problem:

He talks incessantly all day long about how he needs to die and other obsessive issues. He regularly threatens physical violence to us and himself. Before you suggest hospitalization, we’ve already been down that road a number of times.

Is there some sort of way to stop the talking and threats? And I don’t mean with a drug or a hospital. These are withdrawal symptoms. He has been off Ativan for 55 days now.