Benzo Buddies member post-taper: “I started speaking gibberish, nonsensical words and I couldn’t stop”

Pacing/Chanting/Verbal Gibberish
« on: December 14, 2017, 11:29:31 pm »

[Buddie]

I haven’t been on the site for a long time. had a really rough end of Oct leading into Nov, ended up in the ER twice and then Mental health for 10 days. Leading up to this I had been experiencing increasing head sensations, felt like my head was going to explode as well as head sensations like my brain was moving, throbbing, increasing daily. I then started pacing and chanting and rocking in bed chanting “I cant live like this” over and over again. I was sleeping about an hour and my physical symptoms would wake me up. All of this led to Nov 8th when I started speaking gibberish, nonsensical words and I couldn’t stop. I was also shaking and crying. It was awful. My husband called 911, they gave me a Benadryl shot, went to one ER and then another because I have another episode at 3 am on the way home from the hospital and refused to go in the house. I was terrified. At this ER, a PA witnessed another “episode”. I was given valium. Hardest thing I had to do was take that but I was petrified of these attacks. Next morning I lost it realizing I was on another benzo, suicidal hence the Mental health visit. I am still on valium but having increasing head sensations. Have not heard of anyone else going through this. I’m terrified to come off the valium and have all of that happen again. Ive been suicidal, very depressed. Anyone else hear of this?

Re: Pacing/Chanting/Verbal Gibberish
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2017, 11:34:28 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi sorry you going through this , I’m having Head sensations and it’s very uncomfortable so I get what you are talking about , I also have lots of suicide thoughts so you are not alone , i don’t know what I can say to help you feel better but I guess it’s atill part of withdrawal so I’m hoping healing comes for you soon as I hope for myself and other Benzo Buddies .

Re: Pacing/Chanting/Verbal Gibberish
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2017, 12:50:29 am »

[Buddie]

Hi you didn’t happen to go to IRMC. My hospital is just like yours except they like giving adivan instead. Sounds horrendous and scary beyond regular panic attack. I’d stay on the valuim but take just a small piece instead of the whole thing. Just until you get level. Then worry about it after you can make an intelligent decision. God Bless You.

Re: Pacing/Chanting/Verbal Gibberish
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2017, 01:00:53 am »

[Buddie]

Well, I did have 2 mg Ativan shoved down my throat at the mental health unit because I had another “attack” while there. They never mentioned what they were giving me, they just probably didn’t know what to do. They then diagnosed me with Major depressive disorder with psychotic tendencies because they couldn’t explain the physical symptoms. I was mortified because Ativan was what I had weaned off of. If they hadn’t of given me the valium though, Id still be having those attacks, they were coming every 6 hours. It wasn’t a panic attack for sure but purely physiological. I’m afraid I shocked my btrain when I took what I took in June and that what I’m experiencing isn’t typical withdrawal. I got worse every day. I’m scared. Oh, and I live in upstate NY. Saratoga Springs was the hospital

Re: Pacing/Chanting/Verbal Gibberish
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2017, 02:35:47 am »

[Buddie]

That just sounds terrible. How much valium are you taking now? I know it sounds crazy but maybe if you reinstate a low dose of valium, you might be able to stabilize and get rid of these attacks and keep them away by holding and tapering real slow on the valium.

Re: Pacing/Chanting/Verbal Gibberish
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2017, 12:24:31 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m taking 5 mg in the morning & 5 mg at night. On top of those attacks, my entire body was affected with symptoms. I’m seriously afraid to continue, taper, and relive what happened to me. I lie in bed all day, Ive lost hope. Its no way to live. I’m started to feel head symptoms while on the valium also. Scary

Brainwashed Benzo Buddies members sit in ER parking lots, terrified of being 5150’d if they go in

ER
« on: December 02, 2017, 07:09:53 pm »

[Buddie]

When do you know when to go to the ER?

Re: ER
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2017, 07:16:30 pm »

[Buddie]

I go if I can’t get my heart rate to slow down. I will tolerate it as long as possible but if it goes on and on I just can’t take it. They will usually give me a dose of a beta blocker through my IV but anymore I avoid ER at all cost I feel like they think I’m crazy. One night I went to the ER parking lot and sit there and just ended up coming back home.

Re: ER
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2017, 08:01:45 pm »

[Buddie]

Thanks […]. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m dying!

Re: ER
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2017, 12:10:18 am »

[Buddie]

I’ve been to the ER 4 times in one year. Never been there before this.
My husband called the ambulance when he though I had a stroke. Tests where taken, the doctors said I had a TIA.
Then 3 times when my heart was crazy, felt like I had a heartattack. EKG, BP, blood tests showed nothing.

November 4 my husband called the ambulance again 😩 They got here took EKG, BP, listened to my heart and lungs.
Talked to me and my husband, I was in bed felt like I could not even move my head. Nothing wrong this time either.
Just w/d.
Very embarrassing. But I have always been treated good, nice staff.
Even if I showed up in pyjamas, crying.

Now I try not to go to the ER. I’m to embarrassed to go there again.

Bedbound, depressed and very anxious with panic attacks every day.

Anti-psychiatry Benzo Buddies ghouls try to talk hallucinating addict out of seeking professional help

Considering Nursing Home care
« on: November 01, 2017, 11:34:47 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello everyone,

I have been through multiple withdrawals, almost on a monthly basis, over the past 5 years of being on klonopin. I made a huge mistake doing that, and I now know it. I was so frightened and terrified that I couldn’t even think straight. Even on the medication, I was in a lot of distress. I am now hardly able to take care of myself. I have lost almost all proprioception and can’t feel the muscles I’m tensing. This actually started possibly years ago. I am at a point where I have encountered near death experiences of being completely out of my body, much more than just dr/dp. I haven’t been able to let my body relax since my high anxiety took me into dr/dp 7 years ago (upon which I became frozen in my own body and couldn’t get help or info anywhere), 2 years before I was on meds. I am afraid to move or even think about most of my body and head. My sense of my body is constantly fluctuating. I have saucer sized pupils almost all day every day. When I look at them under light in the bathroom, they are constantly becoming huge then small. My mother has been taking care of me for the past 3 years, but she is getting older and I can’t put this on her anymore. I am only 31, but I am becoming severely disabled by this. If I even think about my body I feel pain. Over the years of repeated withdrawal, I have been mentally running away from what is happening to me more and more. The more I go on, the worse everything is getting. I am now having near-death compelete out of body experiences frequently. My nervous system is so wired that when I get up to do something, I am completely out of my body and can’t feel anything. When I sit down I start to feel all kinds of pain and horrible sensations. My proprioception is totally gone. My mouth feels sideways sometimes. Other times it starts to feel gigantic. And it is all I can really notice. Something is very wrong with me. I’ve done some kind of damage that I couldn’t feel because I’ve been outside of my body for years. I do have a feeling that I’m going to die, but it’s not a panicky one that I had 7 years ago when I entered dr/dp. This is an oddly calm acceptance.

So, I really think I need to be in a nursing home under medical care despite my age. I just contacted my doctor about it and I’m waiting for a reply. I know this seems crazy to everyone else in my life, but I know it’s what needs to be done in case something happens and to relieve the burden on my mother. I’m only getting worse and worse, and I have a feeling I’m on the verge of a serious occurrence that may threaten my life. I may even have to go back on klonopin just to stabilize. Just maybe there is a possibility I could do a supremely slow taper at some point in the distant future after I possibly correct the things that are physically wrong with me. To be honest, a lot of what I read here is what I experienced during my first or second year on the med. I feel like I unknowingly kindled myself dozens of times and found out all of this information I found way too late.

So, I guess my question is, what do you guys think? I’m losing my abilities to do anything even worse than before. I was hardly able to take care of myself the last few years on klonopin. I just sat in my chair hoping to distract myself at my computer. I had to leave grad school a year before I had my phd, and I pretty much became homebound then. I thought it was all just some mysterious thing that was destroying me and no one could figure it out. Now I know, but it’s too late. Do you think I will be able to do this? Do they have to have a definite diagnosis for me to be put in there? Please let me know anything you have to say about this.

Re: Considering Nursing Home care
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2017, 12:05:41 am »

[Buddie]

If you tell your doctor what you just wrote they won’t put you in a nursing home unfortunately, they’ll send you to a psych hospital. I know your feeling rough and guilty but you got to pull yourself together for your family. Vent all you want, it helps for sure but just know that you aren’t broken forever. This will end one day. You might have underlying issues as so I as well but this isn’t baseline if you weeent like this prior to the meds.

Hospitals equal torture?

Mclean's Hospital Boston MA
« on: July 24, 2017, 03:07:21 pm »

[Buddie]

Doing some research I think that I have found a hospital outside of Boston Massachusetts that has some knowledge of benzo tapering and withdrawal. I have contacted the program’s director and I’m hoping to get a response sometime soon. I have been struggling with benzos for years and am worn out. I am hoping to find somebody that can really help me and not just a script doctor.

http://www.mcleanhospital.org/news/2016/08/02/tapering-addictive-therapies
« Last Edit: July 25, 2017, 04:57:12 pm by [Buddie]

Re: Mclean's Hospital Boston MA
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2017, 03:16:39 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi,

I understand how you feel, but please be very careful about hospital “detoxes.” I went through one several years ago, in a major Seattle hospital where the doctor was supposed to be a “benzo expert.” They cold turkeyed me the minute I walked in the door, monitored my blood pressure for a few days, then sent me home to endure hellish long-term withdrawal symptoms alone. I only saw the doctor once, for a few minutes, and it cost me many thousands of dollars. Many others here have similar experiences with hospital detoxes. “Detox” is designed for alcohol and street drugs, not benzos, which require a much longer recovery period.

For long term users, the best way to get off benzos is to taper slowly at home. It’s not always easy, but it generally leads to milder symptoms in the long run.