Members terrorized by cult beliefs

Fear
« on: April 18, 2017, 04:04:20 pm »

[Buddie]

When does the fear ever subside? Every day has been different. Sometimes, I’ll awaken and I’ll be experiencing high crying episodes then other days, I feel fearful-where nothing “feels” the same. I can’t make a routine because it feels so “off” and different. It is truly the scariest thing; feels as if I’ve had a stroke. What can you do but rest in it? I don’t even know how to cope…

Re: Fear
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2017, 05:23:36 pm »

[Buddie]

I experience terror-not fear mostly in bed at night to the point i couldnt sleep until sunrise and could see the light. I was on a much higher dose then you were for a linger period of time. The terror subsided at around 5-6 months and is gone now at 11 months. I prayed all night long to combat the terror. Good luck.

I would be more than happy to do therapy sessions via Skype

Therapy via Skype?
« on: December 31, 2016, 05:00:58 am »

[Buddie]

This is just a shot in the dark but I was wondering if anyone knew of any therapists or services that offer therapy sessions via Skype. During my taper I’ve developed agoraphobia because of constant depersonalization and as a result I’ve gotten in the habit of cancelling appointments at the last minute. I don’t know why insurance doesn’t cover appointment s via Skype or even by phone but they don’t.

I have Claire Weekes’ book on agoraphobia and I should read it again but with the cog fog that is difficult.

Always there, always watching

MOVED: A very weird thing happened today - saw my post on an anti-BB site
« on: February 23, 2016, 03:39:35 am »

[Buddie]

This topic has been moved to Off-Topic.

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=151288.0

Anti-Scientology hackers take Benzo Buddies down

BENZO CULT LINGO A-Z

Psychiatrist Robert Jay Lifton defines “loaded language” as a technique used in brainwashing.

5150’d – getting locked away in a psychiatric ward, see The Funny House

Benzo Belly – gastroenterologic system affected, including the organs from mouth to anus

Benzo Brain – persistent or intermittent combination of symptoms originating from inside the head, head pressure, vestibular system disturbance and psychiatric disturbances

Benzo Flu – anything, anything at all

Healing Happens – meaningless

Kpin – the medication Klonopin

PDOCS – see psychs

Psychs – psychiatrists and psychologists (Seen by the paranoid cult as being the ultimate in evil and corruption on Earth; out to destroy us all by cutting out our brains with transorbital lobotomies, or zapping us into submission with electro-convulsive therapy (ECT), or zombifying us with selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs) like Ritalin and Prozac. The cult front-group called the Citizen’s Commission on Human Rights (CCHR), a la Orwell, is dedicated to destroying these evil beings known as psychs, but who are really members of the fifth galactic invader force.)

SP – Suppressive Person, an evil person; someone who criticizes Scientology in any way

Squirrel – In cult jargon, squirrel refers to someone who is too insane to follow Standard Scientology Tech

The Funny House – a psychiatric ward

Wave – a period of feeling badly after feeling better; this is fairly common because withdrawal is not linear

Window – a period of time where one has relief from symptoms; maybe not complete relief but a noticeable break in symptoms

To be continued…

DIRT

I did have a ballerina girlfriend at one point and also a bit later , a Roumanian girl who was a big time violinist in the symphony there in New York, I tried it a couple of times with a guy, that is my experience with it, although one roomate was always going at it with guys in our apartment, I got to hear a lot, ha ha Flick frak

No ,not gay, I decided to try it very briefly as an adult and did try it exactly twice, I did not get turned on and it was somewhat a fiasco, I am not sure what being attracted to women in their twenties and thirties has to do with gayness, or being single and not married,. Many older married men come out after years of marriage. I am not obsessed with it all like you, because i am not Catholically repressed. I do not consider women in their thirties and twenties to be “very very young women” i would consider women in their teens to be very very young, so why not go for it? just be your real self and come on out, Flik frack

Don’t pay too much attention to “texwatson” he is just an imaginary character dreamed up in the twisted mind of “Mike 59” who was foolish enough to pick the name of a sick and twisted Manson family psycho killer for the username here{due to Mike’s overly crazy fascination with the manson family} Flick

Mark 49 is the dumbest version of the Mike 59 troll. texwatson, with the obvious obsession with the Manson familiy killers is the most kinky and bizarre, which makes sense, since this character is pretty dumb but also kind of kinky and bizarre. “James” is the closest to the original, because “he” is the most obnoxious, toxic, and just nasty. “C” is rather bizarre because of the sudden change, but that was kind of an interesting effect. making him this whacked out pothead that he was attacking and then having “C” become his bosom buddy over nite and becoming “clean” ha ha. I wish these posts I put to remain, so when this all comes to the light of day, which is soon will, that people will remember what I wrote here and see how incredibly dumb they have been , buying this sick load of bull from the troll. pathetic reallly. Flick

Thank you , Julie for your common sense attitude that you posted here. a breath of fresh air in the midst of some rather narrow minded and hypocritical hysteria. sometimes these threads are like reading something from the movie “Reefer Madness” film that is now considered a comedy , but, as a propaganda film was taken seriously way back in the thirties. I don’t see any harm in coffee, but is is a stimulant, so many who are anxious{which is most who took benzos} or have trouble sleeping might want to be cautious about drinking it. depends on the individual. I can’t drink coffee myself, but i can use herbs with no problem . Heck marijuana does not impact me like coffee does . but I was never able to drink coffee after college. I think I had an overdose of espresso in an Italian place in Little Italy in New York when i lived there. ha ha that was the end of coffee for me. got wired over the top on three cups of espresso Flick

Yes, Mike 59, other wise know as scotty, holds the honor of being the biggest and nastiest troll here. been at it for quite a while. he was “laying in wait” for quite a while and then emerged from his cocoon to harrass as many as possible. gets a “thrill” out of it. Flick

Mikey 59 is off his five day ban now , and will be very activated here again in the form of his “sock puppets{imaginary and fake personnas}, “James”, “Mark 49”, “Texwatson{with the chosen user name of the Manson family psycho killer since MIke 59 is obsessed with Manson},“C”.

I love wednesdays. someday the w/d will be totally over too, not yet though ha ha

Yes, “abusive” to the troll who has hijacked this forum. he should be abused until he is outed by the light of day. This is not at all about “difference of opinion” or “freedom of speech”. this is about a troll deceiving and torturing people by using different sock personalities. this is not paranoia. the troll is the psycho one here. not me . If i had not been persistent about this here{and it truly is a pain in the butt} then this would just go on forever here, and it is not creating a healing forum to let this sick charade go on forever.

I will be glad to get back to more blogging . I will be glad to help some newer people{like I still do when they pm me} when this gets over, which I feel will be quite soon. Flick

no I am not wrong about any of it. and the proof of it will be shown.

Yes, Allison Kellagher used to describe the intense fear and anxiety that comes from benzos and w/d as “organic fear”. It is induced by the brain chemistry that was disrupted by the drugs, and not a lot to do about it except ride it out while the brain is healing, when it is very acute anyway. Flick

Looks like the troll put his “James” version down for the nite. haha or perhaps “james” went for his 7 hour bike ride. I hope you are following this , Andrew, so that I can tell you “I told you so” when this really comes to the light of day. this is shameful that this is being allowed here. Flick

Yep. “Mikey” or “C” has been obsessed with this doll thing for quite a while , obsessed with “dolls” obsessed with rats, this troll is a strange person to say the least. He gets very mixed up trying to play at being so many other people. mental suffering is pretty painful sometimes. obsessions really suck Flick oh he is obsessed with Charles Manson too. ha ha

Sorry , I will let the troll just talk to himself here all nite long . what a boring person. sits on his thumb and talks to himself all nite. wow

Mikey talking to himself again. who cares about a pic of Lyndon Larouche? no one knows who he is or what he looks like anyhow. hardly anyone on the planet has ever even heard of the kook . another “legend in his own mind” much like his brainwashed lil puppet.

“troll on board” the Mikey troll with his pet personna , “C” getting more clownish everyday buffoon clownish Flick

Yu can post your garbage “art” of reworked pics of me all over . who cares? I don’t . About as many people have heard of me as Lyndon Larouche

Hey Julie, thanks , when I was a teen in high school, there were always bonfire parties in the fall after the football games{ I was on the football team, if you can imagine that} these bonfire parties were all about getting drunk. everyone was getting loaded on whisky and beer. too bad really. I did it myself and am lucky to be alive with all of us teens driving drunk back then. some of us did get killed then , teens are still getting killed today drunk driving . bad stuff.

I go to dances and dance ecstatically with hundreds of people all at once. sometimes I do some pot vapor before. like tonite. not had much of late though. but still dancing . went to a hotshot Chinese medicine clinic today in San Fran. had a two hour consult and she gave me harbs to take for my chronic sinus stuff. I have a good feeling about it, but I will have to see how it goes. gave me instructions on “moxibustion” which is great. you have this stick of mugwort that you light up and it burns very slowly and puts out intense concentrated heat . you put it above your skin above various acupuncture points. it is like doing self acupuncture and the burning mugwort smells fabulous. very very relaxing. she also taught me some self massage on my head around my sinuses. they gave me some custom herbs too , next week they will start giving me a kind of sinus acupuncture. had a busy day.

I see that the troll caused such a stir that a thread I started on natural approaches to depression got axed due to too much fighting. well that would be the definition of a troll, to disrupt and create havoc, bad feelings , and chaos. we have a resident one here who also plays other characters he dreams up in his mind.

People seem to have sympathy for his “James” version, since it got banned , perhaps for good for all I know . I think I might post some emails “James ” sent me . I will post them here on my blog I think very nasty stuff and it tells how it works the forum with sock accounts , very nice

off to harbin tomorrow nite for dancing, hiking, soaking, swimmiing , and good food. I hope to get more health back over time ., but I am learning to be happy , whether that happens or not Flick

You might notice that the troll gets especially active late at nite with his sock puppets, because Andrew has retired for the nite, so no chance of getting banned for his shenanigans and trolling activities. and of course, Mike 59 rarely sleeps himself. he is on here day and nite. must be tiring, but , all that coffee keeps you going {and manic ha ha} Flick

the troll likes to talk to himself all nite long too much coffee, I guess , plus a large dose of schizophrenia, and paranoid delusions of grandeur. must be lonely though trapped in that bad mental cage. sitting on computers day and nite talking mostly to yourself what a silly image, but true enough sad but true, suffering comes in strange forms
Flick

Glad to see the troll activity is pretty minimal today here. made it to the market , which had some kind of harley biker convention in town an awful racket and the farmers were very upset by the loud adolescent noise of the weekend wanna be Hells Angels there. very loud and obnoxious. whatever , just one day. got lots of good veggies, fruits and greens . worked and will now attempt to get over to Bolinas for a surf , although the sun is going down earlier and earlier. don’t know how much I can get in before sunset. am not feeling that great either. but I like to push it. Flick

Hey julie thanks don’t know who the other woman was who posted but seemed nice enough well I guess ai was a bit wrong about the trolling activity. the troll gets pretty bored by nitetime and has been acting out on the cooking thread and of course drawing his fake socks out in support. same with Befuddled joke thread, flooding it with jokes for an 8 year old kid. very infantile and obvious. no one cares anyhow .

I will let the troll self destruct and get another one of his socks banned{like the “James” sock was banned again recently} The tactics are so much out of the “playbook ” of Lyndon Laroche, it is silly. I may have to post some of the yahoo emails that Mikey sent me under the guise of his sock puppet “James” remember that “James ” is not a real person. oh well, I will get some dinner. tired out. Flick

Hey Brent you are right about that. still, I am disappointed in you shmoozing up with one of the worst troll enablers here. not so good. but good luck. Flick

Yes, the whole thread has become very “MIkey” “bash and crash” “MIkey ” and his really really crass “creations” have fun talking to yourself ha ha I’m off to dinner. real food. Flick

Hey Matt , that sounds great to have some time for yourself in Thailand after what yu have been through it is a very healing and relaxing kind of place. I know that the Thai hospitals are excellent and much much cheaper than American. I know people who go to thailand for medical and dental care, because it is inexpensive and great quality. I have been to the islands on the other side, but not to Phukett town or Pi Pi. I hear Phukett is pretty busy and wild and Pi Pi is quiet and luxurious. Yes , I like Asian and southeast Asian women. I don’t know if it is because I just turned sixty, but I just don’t feel lonely at all anymore. I could have a wife or not, and it would make no difference to me one way or the other. I guess I am a committed bachelor, although I will probably go to thailand again and could easily “hook up”

My friend , Evan , who is an artist and also designs clothes that he has made mostly in thailand to sell out of his large pavilion each season at Harbin springs, will go live on one of the islands there this winter. his girlfriend lives there , she is Thai. He invited me , but I don’t have the time or money until maybe a year from now. Ashley, the young woman who works for him , is going there with her mom and sister and will hang with Evan there for several weeks. that sounds great,

Well I get to go to Kaui for a couple of weeks in either Dec or Jan, so I am satisfied with that.

They have these full on modern hospitals in Malaysia that specialize in treating with ozone . They have a new technology that delivers the ozone throughout the blood system safely and are having good results with a lot of diseases, including hepatitis. It cost on twelve thousand for a month stay with all treatments and herbs or whatever included. I would go to one of those places for a month if I had the money and time probably would get rid of my sinusitis and maybe even the hep c.

I had a pretty good day. the dance was really poppin, with good strong music and lots of people . I got a serious sweat on, felt very ecstatic and did a lot of yoga too. I got my 20 min super massage and went for a good lunch , did some shopping , and dropped a little medical weed off to a friend who has been having trouble sleeping, now that is a service if I ever saw one ha ha.

I got back to Marin Co. pretty late and made it to Whole Foods for some kombucha on tap. got some more groceries there and made it on home to here , now it is late 11 p.m. and I just finished my dinner, which I posted on the cooking thread. the day started out not so good , but evolved into something pretty awesome . that is how I intended it to be, I could have just moped at home over my problems and illnesses but i just kicked my butt in gear instead. that is my “secret” and was also my secret of tapering off benzos. now , I emphasize the word , “tapering”, because I also had the cold turkey experience first way back when , and that devastated me so much, that I could barely walk and it took months before I could hike or dance or anything else So a taper was certaintly much easier for me Flick

Jim, you did not get the whole pic yet. not many trolls , but one person troll with several hidden sock accounts creating false personnas to support his agenda.

one thing i decided on is that I will heretofore not address{“speak to”} the troll{Mike 59, Scott G} , any or his fake personnas{sock accounts such as “C”, “James”{if he ever comes off ban}, “mark 49”, “texwatson”, or any of the female troll enablers{the troll’s clueless “gang”] directly. not worth my precious time and energy to do so. I may comment on the trolling when I see it{which is pretty often} and I might post some relevant info on the troll and troll activiities, but that is about it. probably the info and comments I post will be here on my own blog. Flick

Hey Carl and Jim. I can’t think of any jokes and I don’t want to just copy and paste one, but just remember that “C” is not even a real living person He is just an image cooked up by the troll. that is what is called a “sock puppet”. so when you are addressing the “C” character, you are really addressing the troll . that is the reality. Flick

Mikey the troll is liking this thread, he uses two of his socks and maybe another on it. that shows an “interest” , a subject fond to his and Larouche’s hearts. anything “natural” is bad and evil. very Larouche. Flick

Hey Carl , I see the troll dug up your blog to hound you. I forgot you even had one. but the troll loves to dig through people’s blogs and bring old stuff up, even if it is years old. he has lots of time on his hands for his little “playground ” here. you don’t have to shut it down, just shut him down by keeping him off. the troll stays off my blog . Flick

I think I will take a break today at least. need to focus on my own healing and it is not the same for me to post on this forum on my own blog like it used to be. i used to post all my own fears, benzo w/d sx, my process in dealing with it, all personal and intimate things . for years, I got support for that here on this forum. things have changed radically since the Mikey troll took over and added all his fake sock accounts to back his dark garbage up. now he digs through my blog from over the years here, finds things that no one else would bother even looking for, twists them around, lies about it all and posts it all over the place.

so I mostly stopped posting here about my own physical and mental process of difficulties and also healings. I just get attacked for it anyhow. nice support forum it has become.

I even get stalked off the forum in the form of my yahoo email account and on Facebook by mikey the troll.

I think later on, I will post some of the toxic emails he sent me in the form of his “James” sock account. they are very relevatory as to how he works on this forum with lies and deception. Flick

This is pretty choice. “wake up and smell the coffee” coming from a complete caffeine addict in the form of excess coffee. If one want to call something a “drug” then caffeine would fit that much closer. it is physically addictive with a real w/d syndrome, it has side effects of anxiety, mania, insomnia, and digestive dysfunction, great for those in benzo w/d. The hypocrisy is rather obvious.

then the “road paved to drug hell ” ha ha. i really don’t think some niacinamide or peppermint tea {one of them “dangerous drug herbs”} is going to lead one down the road to “drug hell” hilarious . sounds like the propaganda movie “Reefer Madness” that people today look upon as a rather dated and old fashioned comedy. not reality. not at all Flick

So for MTV cartoon lovers, the question remains. Based on the “jokes” and “art” posted here , would one say that Mike’s created character , “C” , is based more on “Beavis” or “Butthead”. now this is a subtle distinction, since those cartoon characters are very similar to each other. Flick

I see the troll, Mikey is doing his wonderful “art” again. this guy is pathetic. Larouche really messed up his mind. Flick

Funny thing, that the “C” character has always been into organic psychelelics as a means of consciousness expansion. of course, that is before he “came out” as who he really is, that is the troll , “Mikey 59”. pretty funny stuff. Flick

A warrior must cultivate the feeling that he has everything needed for the extravagant journey that is his life. What counts for a warrior is being alive. Life in itself is sufficient, self-explanatory and complete. Therefore, one may say without being presumptuous that the experience of experiences is being alive.
~ Carlos Castaneda quotes from Tales of Power

Famous Quotes on: Attitude, Appreciation, Life, Warrior

Piss off nasty,angry, troll nut job. close all your silly, disruptive threads down, most were simply started to get into arguments. and you got your way and your thrills. very Mikey. flick

Remember that you are the one that posted the extensive article on the netopath referring to Mike 59. In fact you approached me via pm and asked why the obvious netopath here “mike 59” had not been banned already . now who here is psycho? not me. there are reasons I think that the troll has multiple accounts and personalities. I am finding out that that is often internet troll behavior, because they can get away with it. this is not paranoia but simple observation, and I don’t know how many I am right on, but certainly some . Flick

Yes, C, you are the one who brought out the netopath article, then you underwent a mysterious change. Also , I note that while you are talking , Mike 59 has been silent for a while. Not like him to remain silent very long. He seem to be getting his talking done through you, who i still suspect may be merely a sock puppet account of Mike59. Mike 59 is computer savvy, and is too interested in dominating this forum to not make use of sveral account, I think. You are one of several accounts that I suspect are really Mike59 and or his wife/partner. JIM

Well, still gradually but definitely recovering and got down to pt. reyes to the grocery to get fabric softener and some cinnamon raisin to make French toast with my fat organic eggs. got some veggies and fruits too. looked at the gym there, it is very small but looks like it has all the machines that I would use to buff up my upper body{need nothing for my legs with all the running and dancing I do} . it has aerobic machines to warm up with . very close to me and I would actually get to use it a few times a week, yippee. I like

I think eggs are going to to heavy for me. I forgot about that part. probably won’t stay with them. but they taste pretty good.

Aha another creepo posting on my blog I already told not to post here. the only user name I have ever mentioned on this place is the “texwatson” one , the name of a manson cult psycho killer, very bizarre user name that reflects the mind of the chooser. Sedv is a sock puppet that needs to stay off my blog too. stay off creepo. Flick don’t clog my blog anymore with any of your garbaage posts. you will get that sock banned too if you do.

I always need to remember the daily joys I find in life, in spite of various kinds of mental and physical sufferings that tend to also arise daily. things like benzo w/d and other chronic illness and pains and discomforts. things all being are subject to.

I also am very well aware of the fact that finding any kind of joy or comfort in times of acute benzo w/d and illness can be pretty much impossible. then it is a matter of holding on and “riding the tail of the tiger” often just blogging and venting and getting support from others is all one can do. I certainly have been through those times, sometimes for many months on end. it is a kind of hell or, really a “purgatory”, because that hell does get better and end. but it certainly feels unbearable and unending in the midst of it. of course, that is the worst that benzo w/d throws at you and , often, during a slower taper, many people do not experience that kind of hellish intensity.

So many in taper and benzo w/d actually can find joy in their daily life if they open to it and intend it. proactive is the way as much as you can. even after my c/t and 10 months of pure hell w/d, I would go outside and force myself to walk on my street in the neighborhood and just seeing some nice homes and knowing that there were people enjoying life in them gave me some solace. I would have moments of enjoying nature , just moments , but still there. it got easier and better over time, and I got more and more exercise and strenght too. walking outside is good.

Anyhow, yesterday , I had many moments of joy. I got stuck in heavy traffic on the way to San Fran and it was very irritating and stressful. but I got to the Clinic and got to lay back on the table and they gave me a hot pack for my chest, which felt great. and then the acupuncture needles , which were very relaxing. the a wonderful young woman came in and gave me a moxabustion treatment and head and sinus massage. very joy and comfort producing.

Driving over the Bay Bridge to Berkeley, you get a wonderful view of the docks in Oakland and the houses all through the berkeley hills. lots of sparkling lights on the docks and the hills. very beautiful to perceive and I felt very grateful to be able to see such beauty , God’s “artwork”

going the other way into the city, you are literally still at the level of some high buildings as you come into San fran on the bridge. it is magnificent. you are coming in over the water and it looks like you are descending to land as if in a commercial airliner. always gives me a thrill.

then I was walking in downtown S.F. just after my appointment and it was nice out, very beautiful city and that made me feel appreciative too.

I got to the macrobiotic restaurant in Oakland and had a wonderful and peaceful dinner, there were lots of people in there. older people , younger people, black folks, Asians, much diversity. made me joyous to be around such diversity of people enjoying such peaceful and healtful food.

I got to talk to Lobsang, the head cook after it quieted down a bit and he had just seen his teacher, the Dalai Lama the day before in San Jose., there were 14000 people there. { I found it amusing that Sarah Palin was in San jose the next day talking to a few hundred people and they made such a big deal of it on the news ha ha sign of the times} Anyhow, this cook got to sit up in the front row and he was pretty stoked by it. So that was my day. Oh I got to shop in the wonderful Whole Foods in Oakland and got a raw chocolate pudding desert , some laundry stuff and some greens and frozen fruit for my smoothies. much diversity of people shopping there, many many young and hip adults of all races who are interested in their health.

Flick

Go ahead if you want the late nite troll frolickng , Mikey. no is here to care anyhow. just pissing in the wind. I don’t really care, I am watching a movie and find your impotence here amusing enough. so frolic on, but you will not be posting on my blog tomorrow in the day ha ha. I don’t get people banned. they get themselves banned. sock puppets of Mike’s are good at getting “themselves” banned. a seedy mind is not my fault.