Addict becoming increasingly paranoid as abusive mind control cult-enforced benzo taper drags on for years

*Friends* who KNOW I am tapering & have anxiety disorder seem to be instigating.
« on: August 01, 2021, 06:00:38 pm »

[Buddie]

So my ex-landlord missed the 30-day deadline to file for damages against my security. He MAY have gotten to the post office in time so I still have to check mail this week to be sure the weasel didn’t send something via certified mail at the last minute..

However my concern is the other tenants in the building. They WANT to *stir things up* because they believe they can win money in a lawsuit against this slumlord. The guy just spent 1/2 hour trying to convince me to go in with them on a lawsuit.

I don’t want to. The entire issue should be settled by my leaving the security deposit for the landlord to use for legitimate stuff we left behind and one repair I did not get to.

Now they (the tenant’s) have me suspicious that they tipped the landlord off about the Friday deadline and if I get something in the coming week asking for damage $s beyond the security deposit, my anxiety is going to go through the roof!!!!! Should I just cut all of these people off? I am so glad I didn’t say a word to anyone about the deadline until AFTER the deadline passed.

I moved to a quiet small town in Appalachia to get AWAY from BS and start my taper. Now they have me all worked up again, saying the landlord probably went to the post office at the last minute and I will get some kind of billing this week . (My landlord is not the brightest, so I would suspect someone helped him make the deadline if I get something postmarked by July 30.) I guess I just have to distract myself AGAIN for 6 more days of stress waiting on this week’s mail. Thanks buddies for working the anxiety up again!!! (That’s directed at the other tenants in the building.)

Addict follows benzo cult guru Ashton into oblivion

Please help spatial awareness disorientation issues
« on: April 03, 2021, 08:32:56 am »

[Buddie]

Hi I’m new here
I’m feeling so distressed. I feel like I Search and Search but can’t find my exact symptoms.
I’m wondering if anyone who has spatial awareness issues can tell me what they experience.
I’m finding it so hard to put into words what I’m experiencing but basically everything feels off centre.
I can’t comprehend straight walls i over think everything and I feel disoriented. And try and square things off almost. I have only left the house a handful of times the last few months and when I do the roads feel off like they should go more to the left or right. Like the direction is slightly off.
I’m finding this so unbearable has anyone experienced these symptoms
I feel like I’m going crazy.
I tapered from diazepam Using Ashton method but these symptoms have worsened since weaning off propranolol.
I just can’t seem to get my mind to stop overthinking about this
Please help
Much love

Taper terror: 5 mg of Versed for colonoscopy causes complete collapse

MAJOR REASSURANCE NEEDED!!!
« on: March 07, 2021, 11:34:50 pm »

[Buddie]

I need major reassurance!
I’ve been having a hard time lately, a very hard time.
As some of you may know I’ve been struggling to get off a very short time use of Ativan.

Following a colonoscopy in late Oct, where I was given Versed, things have been very bad.
I can’t remember anything, I can’t concentrate, lots of visual and auditory problems.
I also have lots of POTS like symptoms, my body is not holding onto liquids at all, I drink and it goes right through me-literally!!!
Given this, I’m getting tons of dizziness and feeling faint.

I moved to liquid Ativan in Jan and have only been able to taper down to 0.699 mg, and that nearly killed me.

I’m having to file for long-term disability, as my short-term disability has been used up.
I can’t even fill out the paperwork, that’s how cognitively challenged I am (I have a masters degree in engineering and run half of the engineering department for a large municipality – so I’m normally very sharp and with it).

I just found out that the Dr at the colonoscopy gave me 5 mg of Versed!!!

This is why I’ve been the way I am.
I’m now convinced that I will never heal, and I also am feeling very defeated, like I will never be able to get off this drug.

At first I was tapering 0.007 mg a day, I crashed and burned on that, waited two weeks and started 0.001 mg per day and crashed on that after 16 days. I can’t even go 0.001 mg per day!!!!

I feel like my body is shutting down, it feels like my brain is not working at all correctly anymore?
During the day it feels as if I’m fighting to stay alive – very weird feeling.
I do have a bunch of tests coming up to see if they can determine a problem

I don’t know anyone else on this board that has had this happen!!

I need major reassurance that I’m going to be able to recover from this!!

I wake up in the middle of the night screaming in pain from the headaches!

Please, please someone, tell me this is going to be ok!!!

I’m very distressed, I don’t want to die from this, I don’t want to leave my girls!

I can’t take years to get off this drug!!
It feels like it is killing me now!

Please help!!!

Winnie :'(

Cult women give up everything to remain in Benzo Buddies

Lost my looks, my body....my life!
« on: November 22, 2020, 08:53:26 pm »

[Buddie]

Of all the horrible symptoms we suffer with each day, physical, mental, emotional….what about all this has done to our outward appearances? I used to take care in how I presented myself to the world. Showered daily, sometimes twice, always did my hair and makeup (not to an extreme, just so I could feel confident), dressed nicely, walked with my head up and a smile for everyone I met. Confident in my ability to go up to strangers and start a conversation and feel respected and liked.

Now, two years later I can’t even shower, let alone take care of my hair, looks, body. This has destroyed everything about my outward appearance. I have gone gray, lost so much hair, the texture of my hair is slimy and sticky feeling (even after washing), have gained so much weight from being immobile, my face is all broken out and greasy and the rest of the skin on my body is dry, peeling and looks so old. My eyes look like someone who’s extremely deranged. They have lost their color, I have bags and they are ALWAYS swollen. My eyes were so bright and blue now they are a dull gray without any spark.

I can’t even look anyone in the eye anymore (and I’m talking about my husband and children, since they are the only ones I see because I am housebound). How can I ever go back out into the world like this even if my brain and physical torture gets better? I don’t have hair that I can just pull back in a ponytail because of the extreme loss and texture. I don’t have skin that looks even one bit okay without foundation on. I don’t have any clothes that fit me anymore because of the extreme weight gain. And I have a closet full of beautiful clothing.

The people who have seen me since this terrible injury happened look at me as if I am a disgrace and the kindness and compliments I used to get, even from strangers, has turned into people treating me like I am a castaway.

How, how can I face the world again like this even if I ever heal? I know there has to be others out here who have lost their appearances too. How do we get our self-confidence back when our appearances have been destroyed?

Re: Lost my looks, my body....my life!
« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2020, 10:00:33 pm »

[Buddie]

I have no idea but I feel the same way. I used to be a runner and a gym fanatic, had amazing hair (I’m a hairdresser) and looked pretty good for my age. Now …. wow. I hope I don’t run into people I used to know because I look like I’ve been in a concentration camp. It’s changed the way I look I doubt I’ll ever go back to how I used to look again. But I’ll take that if it means “feeling” normal again. Because when we feel good, we look good. Well as much as someone who has gone thru a massive life changing trauma can look good! I’m sure burns victims wish for this all the time too. When I get down about it I think of them. And then I stop and I’m just greatful for what I do have. X we have a chance at healing and we just have to keep moving towards that goal x

Benzo Buddies lifer agonizes over whether or not to hop back on pill cocktail

Back again after 5 years off - worse than acute - could it be related??
« on: October 17, 2020, 04:23:19 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello! I’m hoping someone can PLEASE help or connect me with a member or moderator who might help!
I haven’t been on this site in years. I had horrendous and protracted withdrawals from Xanax, Klonopin, Gabapentin and Remeron. I was cold turkey’ed many times, out on, off, etc etc. I nearly lost my life. Anyway, I was finally off all of everything and slowly recovering. I was able to work part time – sleep between 5-8 hrs a night without a blood sugar crash (regularly) – I also have severe hypoglycemia and adrenal issues from all of this – and could exercise a decent amount. This was back in Feb. I still had issues but was perhaps 65% recovered. But then I started getting stomach issues that the doctors could not figure out. It was severe. I would go from pain, to acid, etc and my nervous system would kick in to try to numb the pain. Drs tried natural remedies bc I’m still super sensitive to meds but nothing helped. I started losing function and so much weight we had to try PPIs etc but they too did not work. I felt like I was back to being in acute withdrawal. My exact symptoms were back. One of my natural drs recognized it and said since my nervous system never fully recovered that is probably why this is happening. I have also been SEVERELY isolated, super stressed because I can’t work, have NO SUPPORT at all where I live – it is just me etc etc and afraid of everything going on in the world. Well, as the summer progressed, I kept getting worse. ALL of my doctors could not figure it out as my symptoms are MORE severe than they ever were in any withdrawal They all quit and said go to my home state of Ohio where I have some friends, old drs who got me through the last withdrawal etc. and it was cheaper to live. I was thinking about moving out of state but then that became too stressful too. I now cannot sleep at ALL! I try to relax and my heart BOOMS out of my chest. I get extreme adrenaline surges that set my whole body on fire – I feel like I am being dipped in acid and then I vomit. I have lost 30 lbs. I have kept trying to endure this on my own but the pain and burning the stomach, nerves, etc is so severe. I have had a seizure – I NEVER had that in acute. Othertimes, when I may get a few hours of sleep (usually every 3rd or 4th day) I wake DRENCHED in sweat, confused. My hypoglycemia at that point is so severe. It gets so low. My muscles are constantly twitching and shaking whenever I calm down but the second I calm down I realize the severe issues the cortisol for all these months has caused and the pain and agony is unbearable and my body can’t take it. I don’t really know how to endure this – at this point I am losing function to take care of myself on my own – I don’t have anyone to else or care for me here so drs are saying I must move for help. They will not prescribe benzos again but are suggesting if I get to Ohio that I should ask my old psych about it or go back on the regimen of K, Rem, and gaba. I don’t know if it will work. And I’m afraid after all I have been through. We have tried other anxiety meds like visterol CBD etc and it made me sooooo much more anxious. However, I cannot live like this – Has anyone EVER HEARD of anything LIKE THIS?????? What do people do??? Am I too far gone to ever heal? Even when I am calm in the day it comes out in my sleep with these horrible jerky surges. I do not want to go back on Benzos but I don’t know how else to deal with this. Would I kindle? Thanks for any of your replies!!!

PS Sorry this is so long!
« Last Edit: October 20, 2020, 06:07:22 pm by [Buddie] »

Cult members faced with grim choice as corona panic spreads

Has corona made your symptoms worse?
« on: March 26, 2020, 08:10:02 am »

[Buddie]

I’ve got anxiety and bad OCD as withdrawal symptom. But since all this corona stuff got lit worse have other found same. Tried cbt was useless am starting seeing therapist by Skype. Not worried about getting it more being unable to have social contact, find going out difficult normally but feel with restrictions will end up agrophobic. Got feeling until things improve I probably won’t have much progress.

Television (and books) forbidden for Ashton cultists

Fear over Books and Television
« on: August 04, 2019, 11:16:50 pm »

[Buddie]

Does anyone become filled with anxiety when you try to watch television or read a book?

I use to love both, but now I can’t handle more than a few seconds of either. It makes it so so so hard to fill the day.

Re: Fear over Books and Television
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2019, 12:48:27 am »

[Buddie]

Yes.

Re: Fear over Books and Television
« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2019, 12:53:29 am »

[Buddie]

YES. I actually stopped watching TV during WD. The violence, the negativity, just became way too much for me. I did not watch TV for several years because of this. I already had enough dark and negative thoughts in my mind. Did not need to add to that. Believe it or not I only resumed watching some TV a few months ago. And you know what? Seven years of NOT watching TV was truly a GOOD thing, a nice thing. I had to find other ways to pass the time.
[…]

Re: Fear over Books and Television
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2019, 01:25:23 am »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on August 05, 2019, 12:53:29 am
YES. I actually stopped watching TV during WD. The violence, the negativity, just became way too much for me. I did not watch TV for several years because of this. I already had enough dark and negative thoughts in my mind. Did not need to add to that. Believe it or not I only resumed watching some TV a few months ago. And you know what? Seven years of NOT watching TV was truly a GOOD thing, a nice thing. I had to find other ways to pass the time.
[…]

Same for me. Stopped watching TV completely. Cut back my online reading to only a couple local news and weather reports. Can’t handle the stress. I get too worked up. I am getting better, though. I was much worse a few years ago. So maybe I’ll be able to get back to where I was, though I’m not sure I want to. TV is all propaganda or pornography, and often both, mixed together into one tempting toxic brew. Who needs that?