Magnisium Oxcide « on: June 12, 2019, 06:34:38 pm »
I just got out of a terrible set back from off gassing from furniture.
A specialist told me to wash my clothing in Enviroklenz laundry enhancer to remove the Chems.
I am not worse than before from breathing in Mag Oxide and Zinc Oxide.
It says mag stays in the system for 27 hrs. So I read its a GABA acting metal? Now this means im in the thick of it again?
This forum versus all the facebook support message boards « on: March 18, 2019, 01:43:44 pm »
This is just an observation. This is really the last benzo support forum on the internet. I appreciate Colin keeping it alive. It has helped so many people over the years including me. I hate all the facebook groups. They are disorganized and cluttered with stuff posted all over the place. I actually despise social media platforms like FB and twitter. This is still the best forum on the internet as far as I am concerned when it comes to helping people with bzd withdrawal + plus just talking to people in general. The forum is well laid out and very easy to navigate. I do not post daily, but I do drop in daily to just read a few of the posts and offer support when I can. I am still struggling myself with a variety of medical issues. A couple are not even benzo w/d related but the bzd w/d is by far the biggest hurdle in my life. This forum is a lifeline to many. I hope it is here for many many more years to come. The benzo horror stories do not scare me bc they are true. Not everyone experiences the full magnitude of this suffering but there are also some very sensitive individuals like myself who do and it helps to read the truth no matter how scary or disturbing. These drugs can cause some really bizarre crazy SXs that make you feel like you are dying on a daily basis.
Re: This forum versus all the facebook support message boards « Reply #1 on: March 18, 2019, 01:51:44 pm »
Agree. I had joined a BWD Facebook group and ended up leaving after a few days bc it was not helpful at all!
Re: This forum versus all the facebook support message boards « Reply #2 on: March 18, 2019, 02:11:18 pm »
I credit this site for saving my sanity & job.
From the vast knowledge archives to the incredible peer support, this site is unmatched. Be sure to thank our selfless & caring moderators for maintaining the integrity of BB.
I have no shortage of gratitude.
sierra
Re: This forum versus all the facebook support message boards « Reply #3 on: March 18, 2019, 02:37:51 pm »
AntiBenzo’s, this is a great thread, and I agree with all that has been said. I also think that Our Mods are not given enough credit for all that they do here. Most of us are very loyal to BB and all that have helped to keep this great site open. And we are so blessed that Colin continues to keep it open. I do not think we will ever find another place like this, and I remain grateful to have a place to come to. Best to All. 💖 Peace and Healing.
Re: This forum versus all the facebook support message boards « Reply #4 on: March 18, 2019, 02:44:25 pm »
I think both are very good, but for different reasons. I’ve met good people who support one another on both mediums.
Re: This forum versus all the facebook support message boards « Reply #5 on: March 18, 2019, 03:20:31 pm »
Yes, this site’s admins and moderators deserve a big Thank You for all their work and dedication.
Re: This forum versus all the facebook support message boards « Reply #6 on: March 18, 2019, 03:48:00 pm »
I have been on Benzobuddies and in other groups since 2014, I have always preferred Benzobuddies but there are many people who prefer Facebook so it really depends on the individual. As someone who is very protracted there are very few places to go for support, very few indeed. I appreciate the protracted section here where we can discuss the issues of struggling with symptoms for a very long time. Twitter is our main vehicle for campaigning about the harmful effects of the drugs, I am on Twitter every single day and we have achieved a lot simply by being there and making our voices heard. There are positives and negatives to everything, I usually find.
Re: This forum versus all the facebook support message boards « Reply #7 on: March 18, 2019, 04:23:44 pm »
I agree with everything that was said. Without BB I’d probably be dead. I am SO VERY THANKFUL for Colin and the moderators and administrators for starting this site and being here day after day!!!
One thing I hope is that people will realize that these drugs are VERY HARMFUL taken for more than a few days and that they won’t have to turn to any sites for help getting off. I also hope word gets around that whatever you desire the benzo for, it will whip around and give you 10x the insomnia or anxiety. In other words, it’s no miracle pill!!
I agree with […] about the protracted site. There is very little to go on once you’re further out. This provides a space where we can discuss symptoms and commiserate. Very helpful.
Feel Like I'm Going Crazy « on: February 28, 2019, 07:17:51 pm »
For the past three days, school has been cancelled because we are having record breaking snowstorms in Montana. Can’t go anywhere. Can’t get out of the house. I feel like I’m literally going in and out of states of psychosis. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve been off this shit and I can’t relax at home at all. My daughter just gives me stress. I am so scared of how I’m feeling. I want to bawl my eyes out and run away. There’s nowhere to go.
Re: Feel Like I'm Going Crazy « Reply #1 on: February 28, 2019, 07:22:14 pm »
So sorry your going thru this. maybe try to distract yourself, a movie? Hobby? Hang in there!
Re: Feel Like I'm Going Crazy « Reply #2 on: February 28, 2019, 07:44:18 pm »
Hey Boom
I’m sorry you’re going through this. When I felt like this, I locked myself in my bedroom wrapped myself in my blankets. Got some comfort food and told my parents to keep my son downstairs and watched some shows that distracted me. Do you have like a finished basement or something? Somewhere you can go in the house to get away from your family? Because I know how that psychotic stuff feels it’s so scary especially when it’s directed towards family.
Re: Feel Like I'm Going Crazy « Reply #3 on: February 28, 2019, 07:48:08 pm »
Yes, I am downstairs now, afraid to go upstairs. I want to parent, that’s the thing. I want to do it, but feel like I’m losing my mind. I really don’t want to be on more medication either. I was fine before with my daughter before all this for her first year.
Re: Feel Like I'm Going Crazy « Reply #4 on: February 28, 2019, 08:15:23 pm »
What are some of the thoughts you’re having? If you don’t mind me asking. Towards you daughter and wife.
I'm so screwed please help-going hospital to try to get on psych ward « on: December 17, 2018, 10:33:26 pm »
:'(Saw psych doc today to go over what regular doc said.
They both say different things.
Psych wants me to increase klon a bit , get off mirtazipine, use hydroxizine as needed and add back Prozac since I won’t take abilify. She refuses gabapentin.
Family doc wants to add lamictal to klon I’m on and keep Mirtazipine. I’m still waiting to see if she will do gabapentin.
I’m in the middle of a complete breakdown. I just think I should go to the hospital and get on something.
Please help. 😢😢😢
« Last Edit: December 17, 2018, 11:40:36 pm by [Buddie] »
Re: I'm so screwed please help « Reply #1 on: December 17, 2018, 10:44:31 pm »
[Buddie]
I think you should give your shrink a copy of Death Grip by Matt Samet.
Re: I'm so screwed please help « Reply #2 on: December 17, 2018, 10:48:33 pm »
She is trying to help.
She wants to see if I can stabilize where I was.
She’s not pushing the klon. She just saw how much I’m suffering and the severe state I’m in
In fact the reason she won’t do mirt or gabapentin is because they are hard to get off of.
Re: I'm so screwed please help « Reply #3 on: December 17, 2018, 11:39:53 pm »
Going to the hospital to try to get on the psych ward
Re: I'm so screwed please help-going hospital to try to get on psych ward « Reply #4 on: December 17, 2018, 11:45:04 pm »
i was in the same boat when i tried going ct a couple weeks back. i ended up reinstating instead, since i currently don’t have insurance. at the time i didn’t realize about how ct wd impacts you, and i thought i was just having really bad insomnia/my brain wouldn’t let me sleep. i called the psych ward and they told me they don’t treat sleep-specific issues.
please keep us posted on what happens– i’ve deliberated going to the er/psych ward myself during wd.
Re: I'm so screwed please help « Reply #5 on: December 18, 2018, 12:40:50 am »
Quote from: [Buddie] on December 17, 2018, 10:44:31 pm
I think you should give your shrink a copy of Death Grip by Matt Samet.
Matt Samet is a whiny idiot and bullshitter. That’s the last thing I would read (I know, I read it).
He detoxed in the EXACT same place that I did (5 years earlier) and his description of the staff, doctors and process bore zero resemblance to what I experienced.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2018, 12:50:53 am by [Buddie] »
Re: I'm so screwed please help « Reply #6 on: December 18, 2018, 12:52:55 am »
Quote from: [Buddie] on December 17, 2018, 11:39:53 pm
Going to the hospital to try to get on the psych ward
Given your situation, I think this is the best option. Your doctors suggestions strike me as marginal nibbling on the edges. I benefitted from being detoxed and placed on powerful ad’s, which I am off of now,
There was Guinness in the Irish Stew « on: November 04, 2018, 12:10:16 pm »
My brother put Guiness in the Irish stew last night I had a suspicion when eating it but thought I was just being paranoid…I had a bad night sleepwise last night and today I feel like I,ve been hit by a truck again…I,m twitching more etc and worrying like crazy about stuff..He obviously didnt do it in purpose.
I,m worrying about all sorts of stuff now like my doctors surgery havnt put down my benzo dependency in my record which I have copy of. Just opiates…I dont know if they are doing that to cover their own backs..They have issued loads of tapers..I hope all this stuff is documented on the computer system of my record…I,m in no mental state to deal with them as I would get extremely angry and loose the plot which would be awful.
It makes my situation harder as I may have to go and get an operation and they need to be aware that I have to avoid gaba sedation/tranquilliser…Basically the last private dr I saw I had to explain the benzo thing, yet it wasnt on my referal letter…I have to keep explaining to different drs about it and feel like its my word against the dr,s…Its a real problem as I feel my dr,s are also working against me and probably think i,m using still..Also I,m worried that they will think I,m to unstable to operate on..Its not life threating operation or condition but the pain is driving me nuts…
That a ramble so sorry..If anyone has had a reaction to alchol in food let me know..It wasnt boiled very long so some will have remained
Losing my mind « on: October 03, 2018, 06:27:07 pm »
I had been doing pretty well micro tapering klonopin. This morning I woke up and I just feel like I’m losing my mind. Like I’ve been sick too long and I’m just totally mentally ill. My thoughts don’t feel right. The world doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel right in it. I don’t know why. I have always had anxiety and probably never thought totally normal but the way I’ve felt today and the last few months I’ve never felt like this. I’ve only micro cut like a total weight of .205 to .195 over the last 10 days or so. I feel so scared.
Re: Losing my mind « Reply #1 on: October 03, 2018, 08:15:56 pm »
I started tapering off Klonopin too a month ago I feel the same, I don’t feel like me anymore
Re: Losing my mind « Reply #2 on: October 04, 2018, 01:04:12 am »
It’s been a pretty awful day. I just can’t get my head right. Feel so much fear today and disconnected from the world as I knew it. I’m tapering slow I thought. How much are you tapering from ?
Another day full of torture, at the end of my rope and looking for support « on: August 22, 2018, 02:50:12 pm »
Heading 18 months next week, but the burning nerves and chemical energy are absolutely horrible.
I am losing my mind and would like to smash everything in my room, because of the pain and anxiety.
I hope someone can give me some positive words today. I am fucking done after so long.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2018, 02:57:31 pm by [Buddie] »
Re: Another day full of torture, at the end of my rope and looking for support « Reply #1 on: August 22, 2018, 04:38:58 pm »
I know exactly how you feel. I’m there to. It sucks watching everyone living so happy and normal and here we are in god awful agony. Then the assholes who prescribed us these poisons say we’re not in withdrawal because it has cleared our system. It ain’t fair. Just hold on tight. It’s all we can do. I’m nearly 26 months and don’t know how much longer I can do this. I guess just keep pushing.
Re: Another day full of torture, at the end of my rope and looking for support « Reply #2 on: August 22, 2018, 04:56:00 pm »
Quote from: [Buddie] on August 22, 2018, 04:38:58 pm
I know exactly how you feel. I’m there to. It sucks watching everyone living so happy and normal and here we are in god awful agony. Then the assholes who prescribed us these poisons say we’re not in withdrawal because it has cleared our system. It ain’t fair. Just hold on tight. It’s all we can do. I’m nearly 26 months and don’t know how much longer I can do this. I guess just keep pushing.
Really not only them, but family and friends think we are crazy and put a label on our head.
“We are you lying on the couch the whole day”, “why are you not working” etc.
I remember the words from my doctor who said this medication will help you with your sleep issues (1,5 year back). Yeah right it has destroyed everything. As far as I know from you, you are also struggling really bad isn’t?
Re: Another day full of torture, at the end of my rope and looking for support « Reply #3 on: August 22, 2018, 05:10:20 pm »
Struggling really bad. I’ve lost friends cuz they don’t understand. Coworkers won’t even stop to talk anymore. The statement that really pisses me off from people that don’t understand is “SNAP OUT OF IT” it can’t be that bad. Went to see a new doctor and when I explained what I was going through I got the same puzzled look and he wanted to refer me to a phych pill pusher. I told him the damage is done and I need to be left alone to heal. He strongly disagreed and offered a script for Paxil and Xanax. I got up and left. There’s my pissed off vent for the day. Let’s just keep pushing and eventually we will be writing our success stories. Hang on buddy!!!!
Re: Another day full of torture, at the end of my rope and looking for support « Reply #4 on: August 22, 2018, 05:15:41 pm »
I’m in there with you guys. I’m having a bad run on and off. Hope, I felt what you described wanting to scream or break things, it happened yesterday and I went what the hell was that I’m a pretty fun lovin guy. It may be the length of time given up to healing and not seeing a straight line improvement. No choice, move forward, stay clean.
Anyone sensative to glasses? « on: April 26, 2018, 06:39:28 pm »
Anyone feel like glasses rev them up?
Re: Anyone sensative to glasses? « Reply #1 on: April 26, 2018, 06:40:44 pm »
Quote from: [Buddie] on April 26, 2018, 06:39:28 pm
Anyone feel like glasses rev them up?
I think more sensitive from the fit. I’ve had to have them adjusted a million times (and I’m still not happy). Think it’s the perfectionist OCD aspect as well.
What sucks is my eyes are so dry from this that am reliant on my frames.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2018, 06:45:45 pm by [Buddie] »
I owe you nothing. I’m not the cause of suicide. I’m the cause of revolution so be afraid of that! I threaten your blood-stained paycheck and ur sense of superiority. Aggressive “mental health” bullies employed or hypnotized, u r the problem and I’m here to fix it. Call me karma
— End Psychiatry (@EndPsychiatry) December 26, 2017
This anxiety is intense. « on: December 15, 2017, 10:59:41 am »
It’s like nothing I have ever felt before.. It’s like being stuck in the middle of a panic attack, but while being somewhat calm. Foggy mind, but disassociative fearful thoughts are completely ripping my focus away from reality and forcing me to put all of my attention on things that I normally wouldn’t be this afraid of. It’s almost like constantly being startled and tunnel visioning on a man with a gun aimed at you, except it’s all happening for no reason. My mind is just shooting forceful terrifying thoughts at me and they override any of my thoughts, completely disrupting my thought process.
Seems like adrenaline dumps, because suddenly I am overwhelmed with a feeling of panic, like I’m about to go crazy.. It immediately gets hard to breathe and I feel like I’m going to pass out.. But it leaves almost as quickly as it came, leaving me with tremors in my stomach and legs.
All of this just seems to happen totally unprovoked and without cause. I can’t help but worry that something neurological might be wrong with me, because I feel so spaced out and unable to think or control my thoughts. It makes me feel like I’m losing it.
Anyone else had this?
i am back « on: December 08, 2017, 11:43:15 am »
my earlier id was vineet2 and i had joined in 2012. i have reached the half way mark in my benzo taper (details in signature). i left this forum and had my id deleted in around sep ’17 after an altercation with moderators.
for the last one month i have been going through a crisis. the crisis started in this thread when i made a blunder understanding a basic concept in mathematics and kept insisting i was right for about ten pages of that thread (ten pages of BB is equivalent to an eternity in the existence of the universe). when i realized i was wrong, i fell like a pack of cards. i revisited a lot of math and science in wikipedia to perhaps atone for my sin. every day after that was spent learning new things, feeling further humbled by my ignorance, getting further confused about my capacity to reason, asking more questions about the nature of reality and existence, till i was convinced that each and every decision i had taken in my life had been wrong (including leaving this forum). this went on and on till i was not sure if i was going through a benzo withdrawal or an existential crisis. i became immobilized and fearful of taking any decision. the only perplexing thing about my state was that i was not depressed; yet it was so hard for me to determine if i was in withdrawal or not.
i have now come out of the crisis. i think i am wiser and chastened. i do not hate myself anymore. i do not consider anything i said or wrote earlier wrong and i do not look back at my past actions with revulsion. i am not afraid to take decisions now. i am in the process of overcoming fear too: a fear that has dominated my life. i am now not afraid of the my worst fear — finding myself in an infinite strange loop or the train station, mobil, in the movie matrix. each and everything in the universe is yin and yang. the answer to the question why is there something instead of nothing? is same as the question we could ask of the fair coin, why did you toss heads instead of tails? the question we ask of the fair coin has no answer. but every time the coin is tossed, it has to exercise free-will and choose one of two 0.5 probability events. choose it must. ultimately the sequence will normalize and there will be as many heads as tails and perhaps then the question will be answered or become redundant.
i had to face this crisis when i am exactly at the 50% mark of my taper. (i resumed taper last night.)
free-will is very important. we have to keep tossing and choosing to demonstrate we are still alive. no choice is also a choice — thus there is no escaping choosing. the normal distribution is also important. all of us collectively and individually form the/a distribution. at any time, you can either see the distribution or the coin toss but not both. we are the coin and the pattern. yin cannot exist without yang. science, reason and logic cannot exist without eastern mysticism (the tenets of which i find myself repeating now). instinct and reason — both are important. there is no one way to live life. nobody can tell you what to choose, H or T. there is no spiritual guru who can teach you how to live. now i understand why eastern mysticism says that the true path cannot be shown — it can only be experienced. the only way to live life is by trusting yourself and having confidence in your ability to choose. i now do not fear choosing because i know i will never regret having made a choice. i might go through more withdrawal till i reach 0 mg librium or maybe i am already going through withdrawal — but i am more accepting of my condition now for it might be that my distribution is normalizing.
apologies for using probability to describe things above. i do not claim to be mathematical above and i hope you will excuse my transgression as poetic license or poetic misuse.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2017, 01:32:02 pm by [Buddie] »
Re: i am back « Reply #1 on: December 08, 2017, 02:34:47 pm »
eastern mysticism tells you the conclusion but it does not tell you how to get to the conclusion.
western science tells you how to get to the conclusion but it never seems to get to the conclusion.
east has existed as the opposite of west in the frame of reference called the human civilization.
if my life is a sequence of 0s from birth to death then i can ask how at all was my life a purely random sequence? the same question is probably being asked by the person whose life was a sequence of 1s. the life of mankind normalized though.
i am neither using pure logic nor pure mysticism to illustrate. i am using bullshitism which is probably a bit of both.
today i am happy after almost a month. life & the universe are indeed beautiful and the two are inseparable! i love music again!
i never loved animals — dogs, cats. i love animals now!
mother teresa was god. and i never realized this. and i lived in kolkata all my life. OMG!
« Last Edit: December 08, 2017, 02:53:35 pm by [Buddie] »
Re: i am back « Reply #2 on: December 08, 2017, 05:10:29 pm »
[warning – 100% bovine bullshit ahead]
at infinity, mother teresa will win and hitler will lose. the first conscious moral decision i made was that i cannot stand injustice. even if i may be inventing my past, my blood boils when i see injustice and i know this is what must have been my first conscious choice. it is possible that at infinity, hitler and i, both may die. but that is acceptable to me for my goal is not to live but to make sure hitler does not live. i must get back to life. i have work to do.
Dealing with loss of income/job:
Here’s a message for everyone who has lost their job due to benzo withdrawal syndrome.
I ran into a guy I used to work with at a previous company from a few years ago. Here’s how the conversation went:
He said “Are you still working at (company)?”
I said “no, I’m still unemployed“.
He said “Really? What do you do all day?”
This was a question I wasn’t prepared for and at first I panicked and thought to myself “oh my God, what DO I do all day”? Then…it dawned on me…I’m fighting a secret battle to save my mind and my very soul. I spend all my energy researching this horrible curse, interacting with others who are going through the same thing and experimenting with the right diet and supplements to restore some form of normalcy to my life. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am probably working harder than I ever have in my entire life 24/7 just to keep myself from going insane. And a wave of calmness came over me and all of a sudden I felt proud of myself for fighting the toughest battle I’ve ever faced.
This is our “job” now! Fighting Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome. And that is something all of us should be proud of. I don’t know many people that could endure so much physical and emotional pain, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt and anger all at once and still get up every day.
So I answered his question by simply saying “I’m working on something big”. And that answer was the truth, in fact, it was an understatement.
I just want everyone to give themselves a pat on the back for fighting this battle every second of the day and winning. This is our new job as far as I’m concerned. And it’s the hardest one we will ever have.
Hope this post helps everyone to feel good about themselves tonight and show yourself some compassion and love. You have all earned it.
Peace and love to all!