Husband wants back on pills after Ashton taper leaves him unable to get off floor

At the risk of incurring the wrath of everyone here...
« on: October 09, 2017, 01:58:31 pm »

[Buddie]

my husband has been benzo free for 4 months and 1 week, and he is considering reinstating!!  :'(  It’s just too much. He feels like he will have an actual breakdown. He is being driven by the intrusive thoughts about his symptoms never getting better. He is lying on the floor all day, hardly able to walk to the bathroom, watching a few benign things on tv (but still on mute), but mostly panicked about his breathing symptoms. He still can’t feel himself breathing -loss of sensation in nostrils/numb nose/feels like nose is blocked/feels like nose is collapsing- and his nose is getting drier still and black chunks are coming off the walls. Really bad air hunger from (seemingly) the incredibly tight muscles in his chest. Throat constriction. This is hell folks.

I know the mantra on this site is to soldier through, but seriously, I had to invoke the Baker Act 5 years ago, and he was put on these benzos after that. He might not make it through this.

I’m sure I’m going to get a slew of “you can’t do it” posts, and “don’t reinstate” posts, but seriously, if you have experience with late reinstatement, or reinstatement that relieved your physical symptoms, I want to hear them. Even if you tell me it relieved it at the time, but you wish you hadn’t because it kindled the next withdrawal, at least tell me that you got some relief initially.

Alternately, if you had similar nose issues, when did they get better for you?

Mind control cult brainwashes terrified addict into fearing wife and daughter

Scared to leave bedroom.
« on: May 24, 2017, 11:20:03 am »

[Buddie]

Today is my 14 year wedding anniversary I can’t even leave my bedroom because I am scared everything including my wife and daughter. This makes absolutely no sense and it really bothers me. I have an appointment with a therapist this morning and I don’t think I can even make it out of the bed. I’m trembling in complete fear. I know people say they get this but I really think that I’m permanently damaged. How the hell can I be scared of my own wife and daughter? What the f*** is wrong with me? Today is the 6th day in a row with no sleep and spent 3 hours last night suffering an anxiety attack so bad that I was convinced I was going to die it felt the blood leave my limbs and my head was popping out of my chest. I know people say things get better but I really don’t know if I could hold on any longer. I really wonder why I can’t just fall asleep and not wake up so I could be put out of this misery

BENZO FREE AND LOVING IT? NOT EXACTLY.

Healed after 12 years!
« on: April 13, 2017, 05:51:33 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m coming up on 12 years benzo free. On may 5, 2005 I was cold turkeyed in the hospital. It was the most horrific and unforeseen event in my life and it has changed me as a human being forever. Slowly, very slowly over 1-5 benzo free years my symptoms waxed and waned until at 5 years benzo free my life was about 80% of what I was pre-benzo. Life was good but not great for a few months. The unrelenting horror, mental anguish and general displeasure for life had abated but the physical symptoms were still alive and well… just milder and I expected them to all abate as well as time marched on.

At almost 6 years benzo free the flood gates reopened again and I was cast back into what I would call acute benzo withdrawal! It was just as bad as the beginning if not worse… as a matter of fact a lot worse! All the progress I made was suddenly gone and I was left a 40 year old man with a wife and two kids, a beautiful home crying on the floor with no hope for a future. It nearly broke me as a human being and I was ready to give up.

Luckily I had tremendous support from the person I had been with my whole life…My loving wife. She knew me since high school and knew that this was not the man she married. Luckily she believed in me because I didn’t and at 6 years I didn’t think recovery was possible. I thought I had permanent brain damage from the ativan and I would never recover.

My wife got busy and contacted many people on my behalf.  Una Corbett, Barry Haslam, Baylissa Frederick (Bliss), and even to professor Ashton herself! They ‘ALL’ said to my amazement ‘HE WILL RECOVER’ and ‘THIS SOMETIMES HAPPENS’. She even made an account here to talk to people on my behalf (I was too unwell to post then). I’m Mr. B by the way!

The symptoms were very hard up until 11 years benzo free and right now at almost 12 years benzo free my life is brilliant!!!  I can see the light again and feel love, joy, and happiness. I’m 47 years old and have a new lease on life and you will too. Please people believe in recovery…BELIEVE!!!

It happens for ‘EVERYBODY’ given time and staying off  benzos and ‘ALL’ chemical crap!

Mr. B

Klonopin addict loses mind, torches house

I'm 45 and have lost ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
« on: March 14, 2017, 10:16:14 am »

[Buddie]

I’ve been fighting clonazepam withdrawal for four years now. I’ve made it through it twice only to b launched back into it by mistakes. Once from taking a prescribed drug called perphenizine which totally reset me back to zero. And once from taking Aleve. I’m 45 and have lost everything I own. My savings, my 401 k, my stock portfolio and my house ..which burned down while in clonopin withdrawal. My credits destroyed too. I’ve lost over 200,000 total.

I’m 45 yrs old and feel there’s no use in trying to start over. I’m too old. My life is over and I simply do not want to exist anymore.

Headbangers vow to taper forever

Can't handle this symptom any more
« on: November 23, 2016, 07:21:31 pm »

[Buddie]

I have bot posted on this forum too much before but right now my anxiety is ramped up sky high.

I am again experiencing the extremely upsetting symptom of wanting to bash my head against the wall that I understand from others can be a Klonopin w/d s/x.

It is showing no sign going away. And that is really, really upsetting and worrying me.

These feelings went away pretty much totally before, so logically then can do again but that is my intellect talking, not my heart. I find it hard to believe they will and all the while I am in the deepest possible distress.

I am losing faith that I can survive, my confidence is in tatters and I wonder how much more hell I have to go through before I get t a place of mental stability again, that I last had two months ago – although it feels much longer.

The onset of dark evenings and winter mean more time cooped up alone.

I have to get my anxiety levels down to ease the symptom I so dread, and writing this has made me realise I need to focus full time on me now to get a sense of balance back and resume my taper. Right now everything is on hold and it’s so distressing.

Re: Can't handle this symptom any more
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2016, 07:54:25 pm »

[Buddie]

[…], I have no experience of Klonopin but I do know what it is like to be sobbing and banging my head on the refrigerator. And nobody can understand this unless they’ve been through it.

If you are feeling the worst you’ve ever felt then it will get better. It will probably be a while before you are properly better but the crisis reaches its peak and then falls again. So listen to your intellect.

I thought I couldn’t go on any more earlier today but, for better or worse, I am still here.

We don’t have any choice, do we?

I hope you feel better soon. […] x

“I WANNA UPDOSE!”

Dumb question - Sorry ahead of time
« on: June 27, 2016, 03:29:17 am »

[Buddie]

So i’m well into my taper. (see sig)

I’ve been taking 7.5mg Valium since June 5, after a pretty fast crossover and taper, with a 2.5mg cut. The last few days (not including today for some reason) have been wonderful. I felt ‘normal’. I was ready to cut again, ahead of schedule. Today, well, it feels like I was ran over by a Mack truck, dunked in a gas tank, lit on fire, had my brain pulled through my ears, while having vertigo, and extreme tinnitus. It seriously feels like I made a rather large cut, when I haven’t.

So i’m thinking this… Since I’m feeling like crap any damn ways, would it be dumb to make a cut now, and just ride this wave through? My thinking is ‘why suffer for nothing’. At the same time, i’m like, I WANNA UPDOSE to get normal again. This is not an option though, as I refuse to have to cover ground I’ve already endured. I feel like i’m at a cross road where I can’t figure out if I wanna try to get ‘stable’ again, or just ride this wave down. My pdoc also thinks it’s ok to cut 2.5mg every couple weeks, (she’s made an exception to allow me to hold longer than normal  ) And .5mg Xanax is 5mg of Valium. I know she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but she’s all I got access to, so I kinda gotta go with her on this.

Basically, is it better to suffer for something, than suffer for nothing? And, also, i know a slower taper is preferred, and a 5-10% cut is always best, but IF I could convince her of that, when I do ‘jump’ is it easier to actually jump with minor sxs’s? Sorry, i’m so scatter brained today. Normally I’m fine, and have been taking the bull by it’s horns on this, but today has been rough.

Cyber doctors at Benzo Buddies diagnose Teen Mom star with benzo discontinuation syndrome

I think Janelle from 16 & Pregnanat/Teen Mom has benzo discontinuation syndrome
« on: May 27, 2016, 03:44:31 pm »

[Buddie]

As I was trying to sleep off a horrible wave last night my wife was watching TV. One of the shows she watches is “Teen Mom 2” is a continuation of the original “16 and Pregnant” show on MTV. Anyway, one of the better known cast members is Janelle and she was reading down a list of symptoms that she has and doctors can’t seem to find out what’s wrong with her. Then I hear her say the doctors cold turkeyed her from Xanax to try and get all of her levels normal so when they do blood tests they will not be influenced and they also said they were going to do an MRI. On the after show she ran down her list of symptoms again and added a few and said she had been almost bedridden for 3 weeks and the doctors still don’t know what is wrong with her.

All of the symptoms she listed are classic benzo w/d symptoms and no one in the medical field on that show even seem to know what’s going on! So blind… And I thought Dr. Drew was supposed to be an addiction medicine specialist.

Husband and wife join anti-psychiatry’s Internet Jonestown

Fiance and myself off xanax
« on: April 17, 2016, 06:07:26 pm »

[Buddie]

Joined because my fiance has been abusing Xanax for 6 years (taking 10-12mg a day), he quit cold turkey ended up in hospital from a seizure a week later. He’s been on 1mg daily Klonopin and Depakote 3x a day for 11 days. Discontinuing Depakote today due to horrible side effects. I myself was taking .25-.5mg Xanax almost daily for 2 years but quit cold turkey a month ago due to being pregnant.

Abusive father neglects children to post at Benzo Buddies

Don't hurt me. I'm trying to stand up here.
« on: February 09, 2016, 08:40:23 pm »

[Buddie]

It seems I get the “I’ve had it!” speech when I act a little stronger.
Yesterday, I step up and start being a dad. Working with the kids to learn some table manners in this case. […] sees it and recognizes I’m feeling a little better. Last night I get the “its just so all consuming I can’t take it anymore, maybe you should move out”

So now I’m… lift face off table…write post to BB…return face to table.

Oh yea … “all you do is sit around and read about benzos”
shame on me

sorry… having a real bad day and edited my post to try to remain on topic.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2016, 09:24:13 pm by [Buddie] »

Metheral66’s Story: Booze, pills, marijuana, cocaine, hallucinations, ECT, the madhouse and a rope

My Story - A Trip away from me
« on: June 18, 2012, 08:55:57 am »

Metheral66

Hi. I’m a 27 yr old male from Vancouver B.C. I was 18 years old when I had a bad anxiety attack from smoking weed. I saw a psychiatrist who put me on 0.5mg of clonazapam. I was told to take it indefinatly. I got my life back…… for a while. I finished high school, went to work for a year, then went to university. All the while I began to drink more and more and more. I was drinking everyday and smoking weed, doing coke, and poping t 3’s. My life lead me down to a dark path. I was hanging around the wrong people and ended up having a tramatic event happen to me at the age of 20. My anxiety kicked it ten fold. I fell into a horrible depression. I quit the drugs but kept on drinking and taking benzo’s. Eventually my depression and anxiety sx got so bad I attempted suicide by taking a handful of asprins and 2 bottles of wine. I ended up in hospital, they pumped my stomach, and put me in the psychward. I couldn’t move or get out of bed for 2 months. I was given lithium, serequel and effexor. Eventually through alot of hard work I came back to life. I had to learn how to walk again and how to talk again. I went to rehab for 4 months and felt about 80% back to normal. I went back to school for a year. Then one day I got the idea that a drink or two wouldn’t kill me. I had one drink at my buddies cabin. By the next day I couldn’t stop. I drank around the clock for the next 3 months. I ended up back in rehab. This time though they cut off my benzo’s c/t. I ended up going insane. I lasted about a month or so then I slit my wriste, they immidiatly put me on an even higher dose of clonazapam then before. I was now on 1.5mg. Things were shaky after my failed c/t. I never felt right. I suffered from depression, dp/dr, anxiety, dizzyness, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thinking, and restlessness. I got involved in A.A. Everything was going smoothly. I was going to a meeting a day, volenteering, working here and there and going to therapy. However those sx’s lingered. No matter how hard I tried I just never felt right, I never felt I was getting any rewards for the work I was putting in.

FINALLY I talked to a therapist who informed me about benzodiazapeins. I was shocked. But at the same time my situation finnally made sence. I was suffering from benzo tolerance withdrawal! AND THE SOLUTION WAS TO GET OFF THESE MEDICATIONS!.

So thats exactly what I started to do. I found informatin on the net about how to withdrawl. I tried to follow the ashton manual but my tapper became very scattered. I would cut down from 1.5 to 1.2 then back up to 1.3 then down to 1.1 then up to 1.2 and on and on and on. My sx’s became unbearable. I could no longer leave my house. I locked myself in my room. I was in isolation 24/7. My mind started playing tricks on me. I had horrible depression, dp/dr, panic attacks, aggression, insane thoughts, I would think I was someone else, I didn’t know who I was, I lost my identy, I was suicidal, constently tried to figure out life, terrified of death, lost faith in my faith, my self, my life, life became pointless, I was utterly hopless.

I remember when the day when I went to a friend/adviser. She is an amzing person, someone who has overcome many many obsticals in her life and full of advise. I told her I could no longer go on. She kept telling me “don’t stop, don’t quit your taper, you’ve come so far” But to my regret I didn’t listen. I was taking to the psychward where they uped my dose. They put me on 2.5mg’s, a full mg over my original dose.

We all waited. My family, my friends, myself waited for me to feel better. But I never did. My sx’s never improved. I thought I was hopless before, now I knew I was hopless. I couldn’t come off benzo’s and couldn’t be on them. There was no way out. I was admited once again to the psych ward

I escaped the nut house 2 times, and staggered back to the arms of the secuirity gards a few house later drunk from alcohol I had stolen from the liquore store up the street. It must of been quite a sight to a guy in a hospital gounde with two bottles of wine running down the street.

When the psychiatrist got word of this he told me I had ran out of options. I was simply not getting any better. The only thing left to do was Electro Shock Therapy. The nurses brought me into a small room and showed me a video of the ‘miricals’ of E.C.T. I was more than horrified. When I told my parents, they came to get me immidiatly. Before I left I had to talk to the head of the psychiatry at the hospital. I clearly remember him telling me that I was a hopless case. Over and over he repeated these words to me “you don’t want to get well you want to die” those were is exact words and he repeated it about five times. I left his office in tears. For someone who is suicidal those arn’t exactly the words you want to hear.

I became a full time job. My parents, more than once, found suicide notes I had writen. Luckily they found me before I could do anything. They decided I couldn’t be alone so they constently watched over me. They got tired of doing this and sent me to a trusted family friends house. There I had to sign a contract saying that if I tried suicide or if I felt like it I would tell her.

Over the next 3 months I was admited to the psychiatric ward 8 times. Either for suicidal behavior or cutting my wriste. Eventually they stoped taking me. I will never ever be able to express the hell I felt at this time. I wanted to die. It was all I thought about. The pain was so over the top it was unbeleivable. I found out that it is absolutly impossible to discribe Hell.

I was sent to another facility for the severly mentally ill. I stayed the maximum lenghth of time and forced to leave. I tried 5 different anti depressents, 2 different mood stabalizers, and had my benzo’s switched, decreased, increased, you name it. I was given the diagnosis of major depression, bi polar, boarderline personality disorder, ptsd, and even scizophrenia. I started to hear voices and see things that were not there. The voices came on as a rare side effect of a medication. They stoped once I got off it.

During this time alot things happend. I got stories for days, it was just insane. There was a month were I ran drugs for a ‘friend’ in exchange for money and booze. I had an incident with a clint that had me pinned to the floor with a knife to my neak. All I remember was screaming at him to do it, but he never did. Another time I purposly drove my truck into a telephone pole going 70 km/h. I was completly unharmed. I often wondered how I managed to stay alive.

Eventually they put me on lithium which I must say is the best medication I have been on. It definatly stoped the suicidal thoughts.

I moved back to my parents place and was on the waiting list for a mental health and addictions center. Unfortuanatly I started to drink again. I have a history of alcoholism. I was on 60mg of valium a day along with effexor, serequel, and lithium.

I drank and drank and drank. I had six months to kill while I waited to get into this treatment center. During those six months I was sober only 3 times. And that was for days when I was so physically and mentally sick I feared I would have a heart attack. My weight went up to 260pds from 200pds only a year later. I had trouble breathing, constently sweated, and delerium tremers.

One night I had attempted to go out with some friends. It had been months since I had ventured out of my house. I got so drunk I made a fool of myself. My social skills were obviously out of wack. Everyone, including myself, had difficulty understanding me. I stole as much liquore as I could find and made my way home. I drank all that I could. I found a rope and made a noose. I hung it from the roof of my garage, wraped it around my neak, and jumped. I was so drunk that instead of hanging my head sliped out of the noose and I landed flat on my ass. I dusted myself off, drank some more and passed out.

My drinking continued on until finnaly a bed opened at the recovery center. I found out later that this was place were people were sent who were to sick to get into regular rehab centers. I remember calling alot of other rehabs and being told I was to unstable to be accepted. They said I was a danger to myself and others.

When I arrived at the treatment center I quickly found out that this is not so much of a treatment center than it is a mental hospital. The only remain insane assylm had shut down and alot of the patients were sent here. About half of the patients are scizophrenics. There is fights almost everyday, people trying to escape, and drug use almost every where you look. I often walked in the bathroom to find people shooting heroin. Many people smoked crack or meth in right in there rooms. People often talk to themselves. Cursing the voices in there head. The halls are narrow and the rooms small. We have small activities through out the day to keep us busy. Thats helped me out a lot with my benzo withdrawal.

I have gone from 60mg of valium to 16mg in 6 months. Its been far from easy. I have countless stories about the facility I’m in and the journey through this hell that I’ve been on.

I just hope that I can somehow someway find a way back to me.
« Last Edit: June 18, 2012, 09:12:43 am by Metheral66 »