Benzo Buddies cult members wallow in filth ridden benzo-homes in pursuit of eternal taper

My home is one big mess
« on: February 28, 2018, 10:30:33 am »

[Buddie]

I’m really ashamed, but that’s the truth. I don`t usually like this, but I can`t clean. I live alone.

Is it just me who has this, how are you? Do you have any tips?

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2018, 11:31:01 am »

[Buddie]

Hey […]-

I too had this the first 6 months or so when I was in acute phase. I am normally a very tidy person. I have always like things organized & put in place. I was in such bad condition that I was not physically able to do ANYTHING. I literally sat in my chair with laptop or lay in bed for 6 months. It actually may have been longer (I would have to go read my journal but I still am not able to go back & look though that journal PTSD issues :( ) Anyhow,  I do remember at the time telling myself “it is ok, you can deal with this later”.  So I lived in squalor for all that time because I truly had NO one to help me. So just tell yourself that “it is ok & that you will deal with it later when you are better able to cope”. That is all you need to do… :thumbsup:  :smitten:

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2018, 11:49:01 am »

[Buddie]

My house is also much more messy than before because I have less energy and I need to save it for the essential. It’s a benzo-home 

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2018, 11:57:21 am »

[Buddie]

Same as you guys, it was on of the first things to go south. I think it began due to the mental anxiety of the unknown road ahead, I would find myself needing to be distracted positively and not doing things like house work. Then I could not lift a finger without my heart racing and suffering symptoms as I cleaned.

Ironically, I feel soooo much better if the place is clean though 

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2018, 01:14:00 pm »

[Buddie]

I was keeping up until the valium sedated me so badly. Now, unfortunately it has gotten away from me. My husband does quite a bit but he works all week as well. oh well, it will be here when I feel better again. We’ll tackle it then. I am predicting a lot of stuff that has needed to be thrown away will get thrown away then 

Re: My home is one big mess
 « Reply #5 on: February 28, 2018, 02:01:32 pm »

[Buddie]

The worst part is when my friends come with my food, they have to wait in the doorway, I don`t want to let anyone in. It feels so bad! But maybe I can clean tomorrow? No….

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2018, 02:08:55 pm »

[Buddie]

I have been messy for a while now, and I really think benzo brain is to blame. I mean, even back when I was still taking them, as prescribed, I had a hard time managing and keeping things clean. I stopped caring what others think about my mess a while ago. I’ll let people in. You would be surprised how many people have times where their places or someone they know is so messy. My old landlady used to come once a month and clean my house with me. That was always so much easier to have someone else to clean with.

I had a cleaning person for a little while, but I think I was too friendly with her, because I felt like she was taking advantage of me. She would mop all the floors and then dump the buckets in the bathttub and leave a giant muddy mess in my bathtub and all my floors would be sopping wet. Then when I asked her to dry the floors she would come up with weird excuses. In fact, she had a ton of excuses. One time I asked her to clean the oven and she told me a whole sob story about how she was chemically burned from oven cleaner. It was so annoying cause she could have cleaned the oven with just regular soap and water, instead of just taking up all that time to tell me the story.

Oh I am very talkative today.

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2018, 04:22:46 pm »

[Buddie]

Whenever I go into rough patch, my place is an absolute mess. I’m embarrassed about it, but my OCD thoughts about recovery are so overwhelming that I lose sight of connecting with the normal part of myself. Once I get over the hurdle, then I start cleaning again. But then I get into another rough patch. This has been going on for years, and I see no way of it ending until I start feeling really well.

You’re not alone, believe me!!

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2018, 05:49:56 pm »

[Buddie]

My entire life is in disarray because of this. And it isn’t that I lack the physical ability to do something about it, it is because my organizational skills are so bad that if I move things around I have a very hard time finding them again. The lack of motivation to do anything productive is the icing on the cake. Those two things make it very difficult for me to keep everything clean and organized.

Benzo Buddies Bedridden Club throws a party

Re: ~~The Bedridden Club~~
« Reply #1089 on: January 27, 2018, 04:19:54 pm »

[Buddie]

It’s going to be a bad circle of all, getting so sad because I can`t do anything. My home is a mess. It feels like I’m stuck, nothing will happen to anything.

Re: ~~The Bedridden Club~~
« Reply #1090 on: January 30, 2018, 02:29:27 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi […], I feel exactly the same. I am looking round this room at the moment and there are so many things to do and yet I can’t get motivated to do them. My Mum came to see me yesterday and it was so difficult talking to her. This is my own mother!
I know there is a pile of pots downstairs waiting to be washed but I am in bed and cannot summon the energy to do them. Maybe I might be able to do them later, I don’t know.
I’m glad this group is up and running again. Please chip in, anyone who is bedbound for physical or mental reasons. Or both.

Re: ~~The Bedridden Club~~
« Reply #1091 on: January 30, 2018, 02:50:58 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on January 30, 2018, 02:29:27 pm
My Mum came to see me yesterday and it was so difficult talking to her. This is my own mother!

Don’t feel bad about it, this happens to many people during withdrawal, me included. Last Sunday a cousin came to visit me, but I didn’t even come out of my room. I know it’s rude, but I just didn’t have it in me, I simply couldn’t do it. I stayed in my bed all day.

Re: ~~The Bedridden Club~~
« Reply #1092 on: January 30, 2018, 02:51:27 pm »

[Buddie]

In bed daily with mental; a year off all meds and so much worse-feel it has to be toxicity in my case…keep getting more and more symptoms…

Re: ~~The Bedridden Club~~
« Reply #1093 on: January 30, 2018, 03:10:03 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m so sorry for your situation, Brainwarp. Everything you went through in your taper was in order to feel better when you were eventually off the tablets and now you feel worse. I hope you improve soon. Meanwhile stick around this thread. It got your answer and an answer from Ginger in about twenty minutes so it must have some relevance to quite a few people.

Ginger, thanks for your answer. I do feel bad when family members come to visit and I find myself looking forward to the next day when they are gone. The worst one is when my bf’s parents come and stay for two or three days. Thinking about that now makes me feel scared. Sorry you couldn’t see your cousin.

I managed to get up and wash the dishes. They will have to dry by themselves….

TERROR AT TESCO

I went to TESCO today!
« on: January 02, 2018, 05:19:06 pm »

[Buddie]

In the car!! By myself!!!

I haven’t been able to go there to do any shopping at all for months and the whole ‘online shopping and getting someone to get bits and pieces in between’ has become so stressful I decided that was one of the first things I was going to try and do when I felt stronger.

Last night I had a better sleep and felt half-decent after lunch so decided to have a go.  I haven’t been able to drive on the main roads outwith the housing estate but thankfully TESCO is about 10-15 minutes away from the house but still within the estate.  However even if I get there, I can’t go in the normal way because there are traffic lights and I seem to freak out if I get ‘trapped’ anywhere like a queue or a busy roundabout or lights.  And then I figured out I could maybe park in the staff car park round the back which is reached via a side street before the main entrance to TESCO and means I don’t have to negotiate any traffic lights at all so that’s what I did today.  And then did a LOT of deep breathing in order to get out of the car and make it to the front entrance!

But make it I did.  I grabbed two filled rolls, two salads and 4 yoghurts, saw an empty checkout and tried not to hyperventilate going through it.  There was a Holland and Barrett shop in the same complex so I popped in there afterwards and got some papaya and pineapple as a snack treat then stopped at the cash machine on the way back to the car to get money out as well.  Three things I would have had to ask someone to do for me normally.

And I discovered the other good thing about the staff car park is that it’s pretty quiet so I was able to give a whoop of delight when I got back to the car without any men in white coats appearing to take me somewhere padded :laugh:

And then I took the car for a 10 minute run which involved going onto one of the main roads which did produce a mild panic attack but I was able to calm myself down once I turned off into a side street.

Now that’s a big deal for me because whenever the panic has started before when I’ve done something like that, it’s always just got worse and worse and no amount of breathing exercises or calming strategies have worked in the slightest.  As you can imagine, being the driver in a car when that happens and still having to have a 20 minute journey to get back home makes that a frightening experience and results in eventual avoidance.  So the fact that I seem to now be able to become calmer while still IN the car says to me that my brain is very definitely healing and reduces the terrible fear factor somewhat.  Well it reduces it in theory ……  ;D

Once home, I popped the shopping in the fridge and took myself off for a walk to celebrate.  Possibly being the only human being on the streets, it being a very wet and windy afternoon but you know how it is – you feel better and you just want to do some ‘normal’ stuff for a change.

I was able to go much further away from the house than I normally do although timewise my walk was only 5 minutes longer than yesterday’s but it was much more of a WALK if you know what I mean.  Yesterday I was tootling around the lanes and paths very close to my house and eking out the walk to give me a decent time – today I was properly walking on the pavements at a good pace and being ‘normal’ tired rather than ‘scared’ tired.

Which of course means I am now knackered, feel terrible and could go off to bed right this minute!! :laugh:

Still it’s nice to put a tick (for a window) in the notebook where I’m keeping track of what I take and how I feel on a daily basis instead of a cross because there’s been somewhat of an abundance of crosses lately :-\

Good start to the year eh?

Benzo Buddies advice for members paralyzed by taper: “move your bed to stare at different wall”

Move your bed
« on: December 12, 2017, 03:44:45 am »

[Buddie]

I wanted to post this a couple of weeks ago but I forgot. No surprise. About 3 weeks ago I was bed ridden for a brief time, again and I moved my bed so I could stare at a different wall. That turned into rearranging my whole bed room, then to cleaning up and uncluttering my home. It’s like it used to be and I was just lying here looking at my room and thinking how lucky I am to have this beautiful home. The home I ignored for 5 years because I was sedated for so long I just want to encourage those who might be in that darkest place of withdrawal. You will return, You will be the same, You will have a life again and be happy to be in the here and now with the people and the things you loved before benzos.

Re: Move your bed
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2017, 09:19:49 am »

[Buddie]

Small things that matter. Thanks […]. 🙂

Re: Move your bed
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2017, 07:08:54 am »

[Buddie]

Thanks for this. Encouraging words.. 

Anti-psychiatry maniacs at Benzo Buddies play doctor, tell crazy woman to take magnesium tablet, forget fact she can’t feel her head or arms

Feeling insane
« on: December 10, 2017, 06:07:59 pm »

[Buddie]

Hey guys

Just need some help. Just feeling nuts. Like I can barely write this message. I feel zero connection with myself or reality. My intrusive thoughts of regret, fear and self loathing won’t stop!!! I can’t look in the mirror because it triggers obsessive thoughts about appearance and aging.

The physical stuff is bad enough, but this mental stuff will not stop!!!!

Starting to think this is NOT withdraw!!

Thanks in advance.
[…]

Re: Feeling insane
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2017, 06:23:36 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m thinking this is not withdrawal either. I dont feel my arms and head, I feel extremely weak. I cant do anything, i’m Just afraid of dying.

Take care […], i’m here if you wanna talk about withdrawal or anything else if you’re borred

Re: Feeling insane
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2017, 06:29:37 pm »

[Buddie]

Try a tablet of magnesium, 250 mg. It will make you drowsy and take the edge off. It works on the GABA, which is what is going on in your brain. The magnesium won’t hurt you at that dosage, and it will help you relax.

Best wishes. I’m not a doctor, but just one-quarter of a tablet works for me

Re: Feeling insane
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2017, 07:59:43 pm »

[Buddie]

[…],
Thanks and sorry you’re suffering. I know it’s probably withdraw. It’s just SO strange.

Julianna,
I have not tried magnesium, but may give it a try.

Praying for healing or windows for all of us!! 🙂

Re: Feeling insane
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2017, 09:57:26 pm »

[Buddie]

I know what you mean […]. I look in the mirror and have lost most of my hair and my skin is so dry and oily all th time. I’m hurting with strange anxiety in my chest and intense pain. It’s such a shit show of emotions and then often no emotions. I really have my doubts this is withdrawl as well today. Hurting all around

Shocking real life taper apartment

The above apartment was used for a years-long, failed Valium taper. After a grueling 1600 day micro-taper, directed by online kooks, the addict relapsed on diazepam. He since has been checked (5150’d) into a mental hospital where he is getting needed professional medical help. Shame on the people who let this poor unfortunate suffer in such squalor.

Ashton tapers cause agoraphobia

Missed Appointments
« on: January 13, 2017, 01:23:25 pm »

[Buddie]

Uhhh, I’m kicking myself this morning as I canceled another Psych appointment. It’s an hour drive and I’ve been panicking all night. I have no one to take me but I’m too sick and scared to leave the house. I hope she understands and refills my meds without issue. It seems like when this happens she punishes me by calling all my meds in late or makes me wait out the weekend. Lucky I save rescue pills.

Why can’t we have Skype Dr. appointments when all I’m going there for is prescription refills and no physical exam. It’s so hard to make these appointments. Not just because of the agoraphobia but also the anxiety build up to going. I just can’t make plans because I agonize over them.

Anyone else miss too many appointments Because of anxiety?

TWELVE PAGES OF SHOWER HYSTERIA

The Benzo Buddies-induced hysteria goes on for TWELVE pages… (yes, twelve pages)

Showering?
« on: September 15, 2016, 06:26:41 pm »

[Buddie]

I’ve seen many posts where folks say they fear showering or dread it. I’m one of those folks. I tense up and am afraid I’ll fall. I totally have a melt down before and during. Is there a physiological reason. Why it’s so scary? Just trying to understand maybe that will help me come to terms with the process. Thanks.

Re: Showering?
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2016, 06:38:33 pm »

[Buddie]

Your central nervous system is raw, and a shower is quite a sensory overload in that situation both in terms of noise and physical sensation. Plus you’re standing up naked, which isn’t anything we normally think about, but leaves people feeling quite exposed when in WD.
I find a bath can be a good and more relaxing alternative.

Re: Showering?
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2016, 06:44:26 pm »

[Buddie]

Interesting. Thank you. I used to take baths but I’m too weak to get in and out of the tub. Thank you.

Cult superstar Perseverance called to account for fear-mongering

PERSEVERANCE: WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH IN YOUR POSTS?
« on: July 15, 2016, 02:05:25 pm »

[Buddie]

Assuming these posts aren’t a cut & paste patchwork of various research data obtained from the many resources that exist in cyberspace, I do admire you and appreciate the time and painstaking analysis involved in contributing to the BB.org information collective…

…unfortunately, I find the essence of many posts to be discouraging, disheartening, and offering little to no hope to those severely debilitated and crippled from the hellacious symptomatology of iatrogenic illness, as it exists in benzodiazepine withdrawal.

Words such as “permanent;” “irreversible;” and “learning deficit,” inspire hopelessness, fear, and a deep-seated sense of despair and anguish that isn’t easily resolved or relinquished; in fact, often thrusting the reader into a downward spiral, deeper into the abyss.

The scholarly, didactic verbiage that is necessary and inseparable from professional clinical trial and research writing format, further confuses and exacerbates the reader’s fragile psychological state.

For example:
“In rats given benzodiazepines chronically, the common α 1 γ2 sub-units are down-regulated, while rarer sub-units are elevated proportionately (Holt et al, 1999). It is suggested that transcription of the Gene cluster on Chromosome 5 (which encodes for α1 β2 γ2 sub-units) is inhibited on chronic benzodiazepine administration, while the transcription of the Gene cluster on Chromosome 15 is upregulated (Holt et al, 1999). In certain brain regions, the Chromosome-5-encoded receptor sub-unit proteins are replaced by those encoded in Chromosome 15, which show less sensitivity.” (4)

This excerpt is quite esoteric in nature and would require the highest level of comprehension and routine familiarity found mostly in researchers with PhD’s (not practitioners).

The one thing I’ve learned in neurology is that few things are conclusive or certain. BWS is severely under-researched and much is not fully understood by the medical community.

One question I continually ask myself since joining BB.org is, “How many people have I inadvertently hurt through bad advice?”

If for every 500 I helped, but hurt 1, I would cease to interact any further, simply because it’s not my call to make in weighing human wellness, health, and life.

Crippling years-long Ashton tapers forcing addicts to decide between a sink bath or continuing to wallow in filth

And why not?...?
« on: June 27, 2016, 02:16:14 pm »

[Buddie]

This is a question that I have learned to ask myself a lot. Let’s face it, we have all been using all of our energy to battle symptoms. And why not… use this energy for something else? Here goes…

1. Put carpet shampoo on just one area of the carpet, let it dry, and vacuum it up? Even if you feel you’re going to fall, you see that you don’t, and in that one moment you smile.

2. Slap a swiffer cloth on the mop and force it around that nasty kitchen floor. Can’t hurt can it? If the spasms in your face get worked up, WEAR EM OUT!

3. Take two sips of the cold Coke you have in the fridge. It might make you stand up straighter.

4. Challenge yourself to unload the dishwasher. It helps with back and arm strength.

5. Talk to yourself out loud. Practice difficult vocabulary to prove to yourself ” if I can say that, I’m o.k.”.

6. Burst out in laughter at yourself. Imagine yourself convulsing over the funniest thing you ever heard. Here’s one : ” He/She is crazier than a FRUIT BAT”! This lets you know if you can laugh, you’re not headed to the E.R.

7. Make your bed. Even if the covers are a tossed up mess (proof you got no sleep last night) it will give you some comfort to try again tonight.

8. Walk out and get the mail . ” I didn’t say read it!”

9. Put on clean clothes. Even if you can only take a sink bath, it makes you feel like a functioning part of society! At least you smell better!

10. Lastly, look at all those little things you did today! Be proud of them IT WILL GIVE YOU CONFIDENCE FOR TOMORROW!

SMILES EVERYONE… YOUR BODY AND MIND WILL FOLLOW! I?