Shocking real life “taper apartment”

The above apartment was used for a years-long, failed Valium taper. After a grueling 1600 day micro-taper, directed by online kooks, the addict relapsed on diazepam. He since has been checked (5150’d) into a mental hospital where he is getting needed professional medical help. Shame on the people who let this poor unfortunate suffer in such squalor.

Ashton tapers cause agoraphobia

Missed Appointments
« on: January 13, 2017, 01:23:25 pm »

[Buddie]

Uhhh, I’m kicking myself this morning as I canceled another Psych appointment. It’s an hour drive and I’ve been panicking all night. I have no one to take me but I’m too sick and scared to leave the house. I hope she understands and refills my meds without issue. It seems like when this happens she punishes me by calling all my meds in late or makes me wait out the weekend. Lucky I save rescue pills.

Why can’t we have Skype Dr. appointments when all I’m going there for is prescription refills and no physical exam. It’s so hard to make these appointments. Not just because of the agoraphobia but also the anxiety build up to going. I just can’t make plans because I agonize over them.

Anyone else miss too many appointments Because of anxiety?

TWELVE PAGES OF SHOWER HYSTERIA

The Benzo Buddies-induced hysteria goes on for TWELVE pages… (yes, twelve pages)

Showering?
« on: September 15, 2016, 06:26:41 pm »

[Buddie]

I’ve seen many posts where folks say they fear showering or dread it. I’m one of those folks. I tense up and am afraid I’ll fall. I totally have a melt down before and during. Is there a physiological reason. Why it’s so scary? Just trying to understand maybe that will help me come to terms with the process. Thanks.

Re: Showering?
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2016, 06:38:33 pm »

[Buddie]

Your central nervous system is raw, and a shower is quite a sensory overload in that situation both in terms of noise and physical sensation. Plus you’re standing up naked, which isn’t anything we normally think about, but leaves people feeling quite exposed when in WD.
I find a bath can be a good and more relaxing alternative.

Re: Showering?
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2016, 06:44:26 pm »

[Buddie]

Interesting. Thank you. I used to take baths but I’m too weak to get in and out of the tub. Thank you.

Cult superstar Perseverance called to account for fear-mongering

PERSEVERANCE: WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH IN YOUR POSTS?
« on: July 15, 2016, 02:05:25 pm »

[Buddie]

Assuming these posts aren’t a cut & paste patchwork of various research data obtained from the many resources that exist in cyberspace, I do admire you and appreciate the time and painstaking analysis involved in contributing to the BB.org information collective…

…unfortunately, I find the essence of many posts to be discouraging, disheartening, and offering little to no hope to those severely debilitated and crippled from the hellacious symptomatology of iatrogenic illness, as it exists in benzodiazepine withdrawal.

Words such as “permanent;” “irreversible;” and “learning deficit,” inspire hopelessness, fear, and a deep-seated sense of despair and anguish that isn’t easily resolved or relinquished; in fact, often thrusting the reader into a downward spiral, deeper into the abyss.

The scholarly, didactic verbiage that is necessary and inseparable from professional clinical trial and research writing format, further confuses and exacerbates the reader’s fragile psychological state.

For example:
“In rats given benzodiazepines chronically, the common α 1 γ2 sub-units are down-regulated, while rarer sub-units are elevated proportionately (Holt et al, 1999). It is suggested that transcription of the Gene cluster on Chromosome 5 (which encodes for α1 β2 γ2 sub-units) is inhibited on chronic benzodiazepine administration, while the transcription of the Gene cluster on Chromosome 15 is upregulated (Holt et al, 1999). In certain brain regions, the Chromosome-5-encoded receptor sub-unit proteins are replaced by those encoded in Chromosome 15, which show less sensitivity.” (4)

This excerpt is quite esoteric in nature and would require the highest level of comprehension and routine familiarity found mostly in researchers with PhD’s (not practitioners).

The one thing I’ve learned in neurology is that few things are conclusive or certain. BWS is severely under-researched and much is not fully understood by the medical community.

One question I continually ask myself since joining BB.org is, “How many people have I inadvertently hurt through bad advice?”

If for every 500 I helped, but hurt 1, I would cease to interact any further, simply because it’s not my call to make in weighing human wellness, health, and life.

Crippling years-long Ashton tapers forcing addicts to decide between a sink bath or continuing to wallow in filth

And why not?...?
« on: June 27, 2016, 02:16:14 pm »

[Buddie]

This is a question that I have learned to ask myself a lot. Let’s face it, we have all been using all of our energy to battle symptoms. And why not… use this energy for something else? Here goes…

1. Put carpet shampoo on just one area of the carpet, let it dry, and vacuum it up? Even if you feel you’re going to fall, you see that you don’t, and in that one moment you smile.

2. Slap a swiffer cloth on the mop and force it around that nasty kitchen floor. Can’t hurt can it? If the spasms in your face get worked up, WEAR EM OUT!

3. Take two sips of the cold Coke you have in the fridge. It might make you stand up straighter.

4. Challenge yourself to unload the dishwasher. It helps with back and arm strength.

5. Talk to yourself out loud. Practice difficult vocabulary to prove to yourself ” if I can say that, I’m o.k.”.

6. Burst out in laughter at yourself. Imagine yourself convulsing over the funniest thing you ever heard. Here’s one : ” He/She is crazier than a FRUIT BAT”! This lets you know if you can laugh, you’re not headed to the E.R.

7. Make your bed. Even if the covers are a tossed up mess (proof you got no sleep last night) it will give you some comfort to try again tonight.

8. Walk out and get the mail . ” I didn’t say read it!”

9. Put on clean clothes. Even if you can only take a sink bath, it makes you feel like a functioning part of society! At least you smell better!

10. Lastly, look at all those little things you did today! Be proud of them IT WILL GIVE YOU CONFIDENCE FOR TOMORROW!

SMILES EVERYONE… YOUR BODY AND MIND WILL FOLLOW! I?

Ashton tapers cause “melting face”

Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« on: June 07, 2016, 02:52:54 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello everyone:

I don’t know if right place to post and i hesitate to do so but I’ve had severe physical symptoms and am looking to see if anyone else has experienced this where it has gone away or at least gotten better…. the ones most distressing and pure torture and where I […] can’t do this anymore are:

Muscle contractions and spasms in forehead …above eyebrows and in between eyebrows….. You can visibly see the muscles move and go up and down back and forth…. Pure pure utter torment ( the worst pain you can imagine)

Eyes involuntarily close shut and squeeze and jerk for seconds moments at a time

Nerves underneath left eye especially, jump upwards, shake ,vibrate and pull and cramp like crazy (and also inside of eye) sometimes staying in a locked position

Jaw involuntarily jerks back and forth from left to right; teeth grinding into each other, sometimes clenches really tight

The muscles in my lips will contract and pull from left to right and also tick …sometimes they will spasm where the muscles in my my lips are making my mouth pull all the way to the left
The muscles in my bottom lip will actually pull my bottom lip inside out and downwards and will pull and contract and vibrate

Sometimes its so severe on my left side that the forehead eyes jaw and mouth will all contract at once..TORTURE and pain.

I actually have to wear tape on my face to minimize the movement and pain

My chin also spasms up and down

These are sobad at times I have to put athletic like tape under my eyes and forehead to minimize the pain.and movement.

None of my mouth movements are so much as grimacing as they are more like muscles […] spasming and contracting out of control….

I am so desperate for encouragement as I can no longer bear it….. As you can imagine I have been housebound for 14 months …..I could never go out in public this way…. It is hideous…

The hopelessness and despair are off the charts…. I have the most severe health anxiety a person could ever have….my heart constantly feels like its going to jump out of my chest

I wish I had the ability to be of more encouragement and help to others because that is exactly what I would be doing but I can’t even help myself… I feel so alone with all of this…

If someone can be kind enough to give me some hope and encouragement or ideas of what I could to. I rarely if ever get relief….. I am on the verge of having a breakdown from all the symptoms…….
This has devestated my life…. I can’t sustain this…

thank you to anyone who has read and can sympathize…..

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2016, 03:24:01 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi, I too had many strange and disturbing muscle symptoms. These will go away once you’re off and well into healing. This is from the Ashton Manual:

Benzodiazepines are efficient muscle relaxants and are used clinically for spastic conditions ranging from spinal cord disease or injury to the excruciating muscle spasms of tetanus or rabies. It is therefore not surprising that their discontinuation after long-term use is associated with a rebound increase in muscle tension. This rebound accounts for many of the symptoms observed in benzodiazepine withdrawal. Muscle stiffness affecting the limbs, back, neck and jaw are commonly reported, and the constant muscle tension probably accounts for the muscle pains which have a similar distribution. Headaches are usually of the “tension headache” type, due to contraction of muscles at the back of the neck, scalp and forehead – often described as a “tight band around the head”. Pain in the jaw and teeth is probably due to involuntary jaw clenching, which often occurs unconsciously during sleep.

At the same time, the nerves to the muscles are hyperexcitable, leading to tremor, tics, jerks, spasm and twitching, and jumping at the smallest stimulus. All this constant activity contributes to a feeling of fatigue and weakness (“jelly-legs”). In addition, the muscles, especially the small muscles of the eye, are not well co-ordinated, which may lead to blurred or double vision or even eyelid spasms (blepharospasm).

None of these symptoms is harmful, and they need not be a cause of worry once they are understood. The muscle pain and stiffness is actually little different from what is regarded as normal after an unaccustomed bout of exercise, and would be positively expected, even by a well-trained athlete, after running a marathon.

There are many measures that will alleviate these symptoms, such as muscle stretching exercises as taught in most gyms, moderate exercise, hot baths, massage and general relaxation exercises. Such measures may give only temporary relief at first, but if practised regularly can speed the recovery of normal muscle tone – which will eventually occur spontaneously.

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2016, 03:39:34 pm »

[Buddie]

Bless your heart […] for responding….. I truly mean it from the core of my being….I didn’t think anyone would because normally people don’t respond to my symptoms which is why I usually don’t post them… It […] creates more fear from the lack of responses…. I keep thinking someone somewhere would be able to give me a life raft or […] the tiniest glimmer of hope…

Because this is my second time around my despair has overtaken me……

Thank you […]…

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2016, 04:14:49 pm »

[Buddie]

Anyone else please? any words of encouragement would be so appreciated…. Please keep me going….

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2016, 04:23:59 pm »

[Buddie]

Hey there. I’m very new to this however, I have had some of the issues you’re talking about in your post. You’re soooooo not alone. I had a pretty traumatic experience as well, and lets say it still affects me every minute of every day.

Here’s what has helped take that ‘edge’ off. My spouse got me some lavender bath salts. Put them in the tub, sat me down in the tub, and turned the water on as warm as I could tolerate. I soaked for over 2 hours. I was doing this a couple times a day. […] breathing deep while soaking. Like really deep. I was trying to push my belly out of the water deep breathing.

It didn’t ‘cure’ anything, but it really did take that final ‘edge’ off and really helped. It kept me focused on breathing and staying still and it felt good. Again, i’m super new here, and new to all these issues, but when i’m at that ‘point’, i do the bath thing, and it keeps me ‘afloat’ for a good solid hour or 2. Hang in there.

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2016, 04:35:06 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on June 07, 2016, 04:23:59 pm
Hey there. I’m very new to this however, I have had some of the issues you’re talking about in your post. You’re soooooo not alone. I had a pretty traumatic experience as well, and lets say it still affects me every minute of every day.

Here’s what has helped take that ‘edge’ off. My spouse got me some lavender bath salts. Put them in the tub, sat me down in the tub, and turned the water on as warm as I could tolerate. I soaked for over 2 hours. I was doing this a couple times a day. […] breathing deep while soaking. Like really deep. I was trying to push my belly out of the water deep breathing.

It didn’t ‘cure’ anything, but it really did take that final ‘edge’ off and really helped. It kept me focused on breathing and staying still and it felt good. Again, i’m super new here, and new to all these issues, but when i’m at that ‘point’, i do the bath thing, and it keeps me ‘afloat’ for a good solid hour or 2. Hang in there.

Oh my gosh! You mean you’ve experienced some of these symptoms?!?! Thank you for the bath tip so much…. I’m […] feeling I can’t endure no matter what I tried because it feels so permanent and its been going on so long….

If you don’t mind me asking when did it start and for how long….. I’m crying so much right now because someone responded to me.. Thank you […]……

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2016, 04:45:10 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on June 07, 2016, 04:35:06 pm
If you don’t mind me asking when did it start and for how long….. I’m crying so much right now because someone responded to me.. Thank you […]……

Honestly the, what I called ticks, lasted a few weeks. It wasn’t fun. I thought I was literally going insane, and that I had caused permanent damage. The majority of the ticks faded with time, but I still have one… One that more bugs me rather than hurts or makes me feel crummy. My ear drum feels like it’s constantly popping in and out at such a slow pace, that i can literally fell it popping like a muscle twitch. Geez it’s annoying. I’ll pray for ya that this’ll clear up. I found solace that with time, some of my symptoms faded. Some are still roaring… but none of the symptoms you posted about up there are still persistent in me at least.

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2016, 05:11:53 pm »

[Buddie]

I do empathize with you. The aim must be difficult. Even though I don’t have those symptoms I do have bad amxiety. I did have jolts through my body and occasional
twitches but not so much anymore. For me the insomnia makes me anxious and dizzy so sometimes I loose my balance but haven’t fallen yet. You will get through this. The brain needs time to heal itself. You will triumph.

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2016, 05:15:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello pbh,
I am so sorry to hear about your symptoms. I’ve had a real problem with grinding my teeth. I almost always chew a toothpick and that helps. Sugarless gum also helps. Maybe that would help your jaw clinching and teeth grinding? Maybe try massaging your face, temples with your fingers gently. I’ve used a hot rice pack on my forehead for relaxation. You will get better. I […] wanted to respond even if I am of little help. […] to offer some encouragement. ??

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2016, 05:38:56 pm »

[Buddie]

Every single person that has responded thank you so much and you have helped me….. I appreciate it very much…..The fear is still so ever present that this is permanent….. My facial symptoms have increased slowly over time and I’ve been dealing with this now for 15 months (maybe it is time to see a real doctor, not a Benzo Buddies doctor – editor) at varying intensities at different times of the day….

That is why I become so frantic and utterly hopeless…..dealing with this for so long and going thru another taper is more then I can bear…. I don’t think I can survive ….

Ashton worshippers make up new benzo withdrawal symptom: pain in the heels

Pain in the heels
« on: May 20, 2016, 11:20:09 am »

[Buddie]

Hi buddies,

All of the sudden I started getting pain in the heels.

Has anybody had this?

Thanks,
Shpend

Re: Pain in the heels
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2016, 12:31:08 pm »

[Buddie]

Yes, I will get nerve pain in my heels and also in the front part of my feet. This nerve pain from wd can hit anywhere in your body, at anytime. I’ll get stabbing pains in my lower back and legs also. And if you have certain areas in your body that are more sensitive than others, this is often the place you’ll get a flare up.

Re: Pain in the heels
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2016, 04:18:35 pm »

[Buddie]

Very interesting! For the last three weeks I have had pain in my heels too!

Regards

[…]

Re: Pain in the heels
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2016, 02:32:14 am »

[Buddie]

I had this ….mine felt like I had blisters on heels….but it went away…

Hugs
[…]

Re: Pain in the heels
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2016, 06:11:41 am »

[Buddie]

I have it in my right heel. When it first happened I thought it was plantar fasciatis, but now- having it since November (it is now May) I’m thinking it MUST be a w/d symptom. It hurts so bad!

We will heal from this!

“Stay away from the hair dyes!”

hair dyed
« on: April 06, 2016, 02:49:37 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi

I haven’t dyed my roots since my setback..im scared of a reaction. Bt my grey roots are not looking brilliant.

Does anyone react to hair dye-does it reve you or send you in a wave?

[…]

Re: hair dyed
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2016, 02:26:38 am »

[Buddie]

[…],

I was a hair stylist for 10 years before this withdrawl…
Stay away from the hair dyes! My biggest mistake in this whole process and biggest set backs were from hair chemicals. Honestly, if you wouldn’t eat it don’t put it on your skin or smell it.
I also painted my bedroom. We bought a new house through out this withdrawl and I was so excited to paint it, redo some of the rooms ect…. Huge mistake! Biggest wave I have had…..
And believe me seeing friends and family now expecially after being a stylist I was always so put together, ughhhh…..

Re: hair dyed
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2016, 02:44:44 am »

[Buddie]

I’ve had my highlights done during my taper at least twice and it hasn’t seemed to affect me. I go to an Aveda salon and they use more natural products (although I’m sure nothing is perfect). They are pricey but it’s worth it to me to be using more natural products and whatever they use seems less harsh on my hair and the smell is definitely not as overwhelming as what they use in other salons.

Re: hair dyed
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2016, 09:56:57 pm »

[Buddie]

Yes if you need to color highlights or lowlights wrapped in foil and not a tube of color sitting on your scalp for an hour or half hour is definitely better…
I have always been sensitive to chemical though… Way back a dozen yrs ago cleaners like pine sol ect… If I cleaned with them I would get headaches ect…

Five year Ashton taper destroys addict’s life

Vent (Not for sensitive)
« on: March 17, 2016, 12:49:57 am »

[Buddie]

*WARNING* Not for sensitive.

Long term user here.

Tapered too fast initially.

Ugh, I need to vent.

Started this mid 2011, daily taper way too fast for my healing rate, did not know it would take more than a year, super sick, bedridden, could barely stand, walk or bath at my worst, all the symptoms listed, on the toilet with sunglasses on, dp/dr, massive sweats, paranoia, nightmares etc etc… the list is long…

Life ruining.

Crashed early 2012, that was when withdrawals became really nasty, I had tapered every day for 7.5 months without holding for a single day and pushed it when I started to feel horrendous… the result was not something I will go into other than to say a week long panic attack was pretty much it, I’ll spare the details… crash happened at 4 mg Valium equivalent.

2012 – 2015

Make VERY little progress, eeked my way down from 4 mg to 2.8 mg.

Every small reduction was awful.

Severe anxiety every time, disconnect and monophobia, FEAR and mental symptoms bad, unable to watch TV etc.

2015 Held for a year as unable to get below 2.8 mg Valium equivalent.

Been holding here ever since, had some respite and for the 9 months of 2015 was able to live life to some degree although had some fog,.. wasn’t perfect but I studied and even flew to the UK alone but with help either end, could not have done that a year prior, I would have needed a wheelchair as I would not have been able to walk the airport terminals as I was too fatigued and weak.

So progress made, right?

Yet now I see the last few mgs are the hardest and I was stressed last month and had a relapse of anxiety, a bad one and now I do not know how the hell I am going to get off the remainder of this drug, I have been at this so long now that withdrawal has become my life and with all the will in the world, I know that it would take me 4 years minimum to taper these last mgs… any faster and I would wind up having a complete nervous breakdown.

I suspect that due to my years on the drug and also the fact I tapered too fast initially, I am now super sensitive to even the tiniest cuts.

I just don’t want to do this any more, I think some people are better off staying on, I see people years out and still suffering, admittedly many fast tapered or went CT but jeez, how long is someone supposed to stick at this???

I’m so, so tired of this now, I have had no quality of life for over 4.5 years and now, when I taper, I can’t tolerate the TV and my anxiety is just ridiculous, I get bad stomach for weeks on end and find it very hard to stabilize and I end up feeling mentally unwell.

It just makes me want to throw in the towel at this point, the duration of this makes me feel this is no longer worth it.