Accidental addict’s journey from opiates to benzos to a psych ward to finally joining an online cult

Minutes away from facility for dementia, following 5day detox
« on: October 18, 2019, 05:39:42 am »

Iriswoman

Following a 6day detox, arrangements were made to transfer me from an inpatient psych facility to a long term care facility for dementia. Yes, that’s how severe my withdrawal symptoms were. I know you don’t just catch dementia in a week or two. Thank God, I had enough sense, knowledge of my rights, and just enough communication skills to request a 48 hour release. This psych hospital applied an alcohol detox protocol to a 25 year Rx=compliant dependence on benzodiazepines. A dependency that started with ativan and ending the last 15 years with Klonopin. For weeks now I’ve grown so weary that I’m now begun fighting SI daily, more specifically nightly. For 8 weeks I’ve followed a extreme self/care regime with no outside support, not for lack of pleading, but can’t find any resources. Self care consists of healthiest affordable diet (no processed foods, low to no sodium, sugar, caffeine, and saturated fats) plenty of fresh produce with magnesium and potassium […] foods, adequate hydration, sleep hygiene, CBT skills, yoga, deep breathing, 30-40 min walk as able, no medications except tylenol, and aspirin. I see no pattern of benefit or exacerbation with diet, OTC meds or lifestyle. So frustrated.

I was positive that the “protracted withdrawal” business was over-reported and I would recover within a few weeks. Bolstering my thinking was having successful gone through nasty opiate withdrawal years ago without PAWS, I was certain this would not be any worse…but it is bad. This is hell. Far worse. It’s as if Satin himself reaches up from Hell and pinches random parts of my body and brain, producing unpredictable,bizarre, but always painful or bizarre sensations to accompany a symphony of intense pain and prolonged insomnia.

Tonight, I’m scared. Not just the regular unrelenting anxiety, but thoughts that now seem rational, I can’t do this anymore. The pain, the lack of sleep. I’ve not had more than 1.5 hours sleep at any time for nearly 3 months. I am going out of my mind. And yet, I still have more clarity at times than I’ve had for many years. I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BENZO but I do want sleep, balance, and freedom from unrelenting spasms and nerve pain. I called every place I could think of and there is no help. Ironic, since the U of A and Banner Health just hosted a benzodiazapine awareness workshop in my town. Ironic because it was a Banner/UofA psych MD that referred me to the 5day inpatient detox. I’m livid when I find myself preparing to die, trying to post notes in explanations to things for my children. Certainly not with intention of self harm but what I believe to be inevitable. I don’t believe it is humanly possible to sustain this distress much longer. I’m having a good enough day today that I can actually type this intro. For that I’m grateful. I’m wearing thin on practicing gratitude and positive thoughts. I am human. I’m at my wits ends. Perhaps quite literally. Forgive the current cliche. I’m 66 with 2 adult children, both out of state and so unfamiliar with psych inpatient procedures and benzodiazapines specifically that they blame me for being so compliant with the docs, the Rx and the detox. They know the person I once was, and cannot imagine allowing such abuse. I understand their ignorance. Unless you’ve been through the inpatient process and know that the facility’s threat of an involutary commitment is most likely (and certainly, in my case) an empty one to elicit compliance and justify the maximim number of days to bill.

I will go anywhere for help and follow any sane, helpful advice. When you’ve gone inpatient and were harmed, where do you turn. Especially, when speech and balance is impaired. I can’t drive, I live upstairs and sometime balance is so bad, I cannot leave my apartment. Some days speech is so impaired, I can’t ask for help. I’ve had groceries delivered on days I can manage the logistics of ordering and receiving. Simple things have become monumental tasks. I contacted every support for mental healt. I’ve been to ER twice and was sadmitted the second time to the Neuro unit to rule out a stroke. Very expensive test ruled out a cardiac event. I won’t go again, as I’ve now read that there is nothing they can do. The offending staff at the shrink’s office did send a cop twice to make sure I was still alive. I was deeply offended. See if I’m still alive? That was it? I don’t want to just be alive. I’d like to go on living. Anyone that doesn’t see the difference shouldn’t be in the mental health business. Always so compliant and so forgiving…this time I’m so very angry. I try to convert this anger to energy to keep up this fight. I can’t do this alone and don’t know where or to whom to turn.

I’d rather be inspiring others than begging for help…but like everyone else…I need help. Btw, where are the @#$% lawyers? Who will pay for all those tests, the lost time. Rehab or as the hospital predicted, a long term care facility. Wow, all those mental health agencies competing for your insurance enrollment…disappear when I ask for help now. I rambled to exhaustion. Thx.

15 month Klonopin taper failing after Benzo Buddies runs John123 into a ditch

Moving Residences During the Taper; Ever Done Before?
« on: August 16, 2019, 03:37:10 pm »

John123

Hi BB. My taper is going pretty well since I started in early March. I taper 5% every 2 weeks on a daily dry cut basis of Klonopin. My main withdrawal symptoms are persistent low level anxiety, some brain fog, agitation and chest pressure. I call this my Window. Every few weeks I seem to get a wave for about 2 days where I am basically laid up in bed immobilized. I do not currently work.

My taper of 15 months is scheduled to end on June 1 next year. It now looks like I will have to move out of State ( in the US) during this taper.

My question is whether any BB out there has had to move residences during their taper and how did it go? This would be helpful for me even if the move is not far.

Thank you!


I currently take Kolonopin 1.5 mg per day. I am planning to start on 2/25/19 to taper using the Mortar and Pestle method and scale. I am planning to start with a very conservative taper schedule and see how I do for the first two months.

Current symptoms: waking up very early with chest pressure and panic, morning chemical anxiety, brain fog, headaches, difficulty concentrating.

Kooks add breast pain to list of 90,000,000 benzo withdrawal symptoms

Women: Breast pain while K withdrawal?
« on: July 15, 2019, 10:21:09 pm »

[Buddie]

I have been on a [mostly] steady tapering plan since December 2018 – I am tapering .125mg at a time and before my most recent cut was at 1.75mg/d. I have noticed in the last 3 months(ish) that I have extreme breast pain between ovulation and start of my menstrual cycle. So for about 2 wks straight per month! I never experienced such a long time for breast soreness (besides during pregnancies)!
It has been suggested to me that my estrogen may be increased and that donating blood could help.

Anyone else deal with this? What did/do you do about it?

Thanks!!

Ain’t no love in the heart of the city: Girlfriend dumps addict for man who isn’t tapering Klonopin for 1000 years

Dumped during taper
« on: April 10, 2019, 12:33:03 am »

[Buddie]

Just lost one of the key players in my support network. She said, “I can’t do this for another 6 months, year, however long it’ll be before you’re better. I love you, I want you to get better, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. But I just can’t do this anymore. I have to let go. I have to live my life”

This was 2 weeks ago. I tried to remain her friend, but she couldn’t help but rub her new relationship in my face. When I’d finally had enough and blocked her number, and on social media, she got pissy and finally left me alone. It’s strange how the ones we love the most can end up being the most toxic. Prior to this she would always be at my bedside. Checking in on me every day. Assuring me I’d get through this and that I’m strong for having made it this far.

I found myself up-dosing. I messed up. I let her hurt me even more. I’m trying to get back down to 0.5mg Klon per day, but the nights without her are much harder. Maybe I shouldn’t have been dating in this state. She tapered off klon a long time ago, I thought she’d be more understanding.

If anyone’s suffered a blow like this during taper, any advice would be appreciated.
(I know, “Try not to think about her, occupy your mind with other things.” I got that much, I’m trying.)

Untreated alblutophia unleashed!

Ablutophobia (from Latin ablutere ‘to wash off”) is the persistent, abnormal and unwarranted fear of bathing, washing, or cleaning

The symptoms of ablutophobia as well as many specific phobias are as follows:

  • Feelings of panic, dread, horror, or terror
  • Recognition that the fear goes beyond normal boundaries and the actual threat of danger
  • Reactions that are automatic and uncontrollable, practically taking over the person’s thoughts
  • Rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, trembling, and an overwhelming desire to flee the situation—all the physical reactions associated with extreme fear
  • Extreme measures taken to avoid the feared object or situation.[2]

Feelings of shame are also not uncommon. Many cultures place a heavy value on cleanliness, and refusing to bathe can make someone the target of mockery or teasing, which can increase the severity of the phobia. It may also cause the sufferer to not seek treatment.[3][4]

There are also many options for treatment of ablutophobia. Generally seeking professional help from a person with a background in psychology is one of the best options available. A sufferer of ablutophobia can also undergo exposure-based cognitive behavioral therapy in which the person is allowed to confront the feared object (in this case, water) in controlled situations.[5]

There are anxiety medications that medical professionals can prescribe as well, however these medications have yet to show much promise in the treatments of specific phobias such as ablutophobia. The use of d-cycloserine (DCS) in conjunction with exposure therapy is the only drug to show developments in alleviating the phobia-related symptoms even after a three-month period.[6]

Showers
« on: November 05, 2018, 03:26:51 pm »

[Buddie]

Why on EARTH are showers so difficult?? I HAVE to get a shower because I have to go get blood work done and I seriously DO NOT want to go in that shower, close my eyes and have to shampoo and condition my hair. I don’t understand how such a trivial daily task can become so anxiety ridden. It makes no sense.

Do people with “normal” anxiety experience this??

Re: Showers
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2018, 04:07:46 pm »

[Buddie]

I kinda think because its sneakily a bombardment of sensations. The water rushing on you is loud, and even a small degree of scrubbing and cleansing oneself is like a little workout. i just thjnk its sneakily a pretty hard assault on a variety of senses, and being that the mornings for so many of us are so hyper acutely sensitive and crappy, a shower actually blasts us into symptomatic mode.

i became aware last year that in the middle of one, just washing my hair and turning around and all, that i was fairly ramped up, and became very symptomatic in a short time. its actually an energetic little exercise for people who already can barely lift a cup without feeling it.

thats my own thoughts anyway.

Re: Showers
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2018, 06:40:01 pm »

[Buddie]

My mind tends to go a hundred miles per hour in the shower. All my thoughts become focused on withdrawal. There is nothing but you and your mind as you go through the motions of bathing. They are really rough for me too and make me very anxious and then I start getting very depressed and the intrusive thoughts start to come in. You’re not alone, FakeIt. I used to enjoy taking a shower at night every once in a while just to relax. I would prefer not to shower now.

Re: Showers
« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2018, 07:19:52 pm »

[Buddie]

I love showers, it’s the only time my muscles are able to loosen up and I don’t feel any head pains.

Re: Showers
« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2018, 08:26:56 pm »

[Buddie]

I get the SAME way in the showers. Sometimes it’s ok. But frequently I get panicked.

Re: Showers
« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2018, 08:38:10 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on November 05, 2018, 03:26:51 pm
I don’t understand how such a trivial daily task can become so anxiety ridden. It makes no sense.

I don’t fear taking a shower per se, but I don’t like it either. Sometimes taking a shower will rev me up and cause aversion to showering again, thus the dislike. I used to enjoy showers before, but now it’s more like a daily chore that I really don’t care for.

Read more here: https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/ezxwda/what-its-like-to-have-a-shower-phobia

RELAPSED!

Relapsed
« on: January 22, 2018, 02:41:09 pm »

[Buddie]

I want to join for support as I have relapsed.
I did a successful taper off Klonopin using Ashton from 2012-2014 with help of Psy NP. I cannot go back to him as he has retired and no one took his place.
Took 19 months to get off 4 mg K—was benzo free for 3 years then had A major life trauma — my son committed a crime attempted suicide and I had to help him through the criminal justice system by getting him lawyer and being his support person.
It was a horrible time and I fell apart after it was all over.
I started taking left over K and V I kept from original taper.

Relapsed around March 2017 on small doses – now up to 20-30 mg Valium or 2-3 mg K or a mixture of 5-10 mg V and 1-2 mg K
I am not going to beat myself up for going back on when I knew better.
I am starting down the path of dark hole depression, staying in bed, unable to take care of my house, I know it’s the drugs.
I need to get off and I want to do a CT as these are leftover pills from my table and I am not under a doctors supervision.

Relapsed
« on: January 22, 2018, 02:58:06 pm »

[Buddie]

I did a successful taper off Klonopin using Ashton from 2012-2014 with help of Psy NP. I cannot go back to him as he has retired and no one took his place.
Took 19 months to get off 4 mg K—was benzo free for 3 years then had A major life trauma — my son committed a crime attempted suicide and I had to help him through the criminal justice system by getting him a lawyer and being his support person.
It was a horrible time and I fell apart after it was all over.
I started taking left over K and V I had kept (should have tossed it all) from original taper.
I Relapsed around March 2017 on small doses – now up to 20-30 mg Valium or 2-3 mg K or a mixture of 5-10 mg V and 1-2 mg K. Running low on stach.
I am not going to beat myself up for going back on when I knew better.
I am starting down the path of dark hole depression, staying in bed, unable to take care of my house, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. There is no food in the house because I do not want to shop. I know it’s the drugs and some PTSD from my son.
I need to get off and I want to do a CT as these are leftover pills from my previous taper and I am not under a doctors supervision.
Hello and help!
« Last Edit: January 22, 2018, 03:38:01 pm by [Buddie] »