TALES OF MADNESS

This strange little Benzo story of mine.
« on: July 28, 2016, 05:49:52 am »

[Buddie]

Hey there, Buddies 

First of; I just want to say that I didn’t realize that this board was mainly for Benzo withdrawal, which I hear is one of the worst drug withdrawals you can go through. I just googled something and found a forum called Benzobuddies. I figured it was aimed at Benzodiazepine fans, users and abusers alike… But now I see, however, that it was not the case haha 😛

Secondly; I just want to give you guys going through Benzo withdrawal my nicest and most pleasant feelings and thoughts. What you’re doing, no matter how you got there, is something that I wish I had the strength for. If I ever landed in the deep end of the Benzo pool, I’d choose another way out instead of fighting it, because I’m not as strong a person as one would think when looking at me.

I guess I’m just lucky that what happened to me thought me never to touch these things again as long as I live. My refusal to ever ingest a Benzo again even got to that point that I refused all sedative drugs when in the Psychiatric Hospital, not because I didn’t need them, I sure as hell did, I just didn’t want to go psychotic ever again. The doctors thinking I was bullshitting them with this Benzo story of mine because it’s not a well known fact that you can in fact go psychotic from using Benzos. Even if it’s just a tiny dose, for the first time and you’re not either a child or the elderly.

Now to that little post of mine…

I’m here to look for some reassurances, answers and to introduce to you guys a new angle to this whole Benzo thing.

That angle being; I believe that Benzodiazepines triggered my underlying Schizophrenia.

I’m very big about this whole mental health thing and believe that if it makes you better, why not? If it makes you worse, stay away from it!

It’s been pointed out to me that excessive cursing is a no-no here so I’ll try to edit most of it out, aside from those curses that I use for emphasis, those are pretty damn important to just get how massive this whole thing was for me. Life shattering is one way to put it.

So, As I said, I believe, and have I gotten a confirmation from one of the most revered psychiatrists in my country, which so happens to be my personal psychiatrist, which says that I’m not that far from the truth about this whole thing, that a Benzodiazepine called Xanax not only induced my first episode psychosis but also, somehow, triggered my Schizophrenia.

So, I was prescribed Xanax in the beginning of May 2014 and not 40 minutes, the time it takes the pill to dissolve and get into your system, after first ingestion, I entered a gnarly psychotic episode that lasted for the two weeks I took the damn drug, only ending the day after I stopped taking it, resulting in the greatest couple of days in my life…

Those couple of days, however, were the best of my life, but short were they. As soon as they ended I started becoming psychotic 2-4 times a week. It was truly awful. Each one was like those two weeks pushed into one day.

Hardcore hallucinations that encouraged homicide, suicide and self harm. Raging delusions that made me believe the most raging and extremely Paranoid things. Derealization and Depersonalization along with everything.

So, my BenzoBuddies, I entered those episodes 2-4 times a week for the eighteen months after those initial two weeks.

I had, of course, before being put on the Xanax, entered Psychotic episodes before. But, they never were a problem. I, of course, didn’t know what they were or why I was having these crazy intrusive thoughts and strong as shit ideas about all sorts of crazy things. I didn’t have the vocabulary or the trust in others to tell anyone about these episodes as I was just a small child.

This one time it happened on a plane, the voices and delusions had convinced me to open the door of the plane mid air and jump out. That I’d survive the fall too.

I just cowered in fear and entered the fetal position, not knowing what was happening. Then 15 years old.

But again, they weren’t ever a problem or as frequent until the Xanax.

So my fully functional theory is that when I was born I entered something called the prodromal phase of Schizophrenia as soon as I developed consciousness, as I remember every single negative symptom of the Schizophrenia I have today from my childhood.

Much like this. http://mentalhealth.com/mag1/scz/sb-prod.html

I entered the first phase as I started noticing I wasn’t like other kids. As soon as my parents noticed I wasn’t like other kids, I entered phase two.

Phase three, however, didn’t appear until some 16-18 years later or when I was about to turn 20, the summer of 2013, when I started feeling my first positive symptoms. Paranoia. Coming up at the most untimely times. And it only exacerbated the paranoia whenever I got stressed or enjoyed some lovely other stressors.

Then, instead of my parents noticing my paranoia or some other symptom that had appeared by then, I took the Xanax and that stuff threw me over phase 4 and 5 and just way beyond everything.

I wish to believe that if I hadn’t taken the Xanax, I would have developed some other fun old psychotic symptom and gotten “used” to it like I had with the paranoia, my parent noticing there was something more wrong with me perhaps a couple of years later and I’d entered my first major psychotic episode, the one that would’ve triggered the Schizophrenia, a few years later. Maybe in 2016, 2018 or 2020….. Maybe I should have gotten this shit through fate when I would’ve been 26 or in 2019…

I believe that me taking the Xanax was both a blessing and a curse. As it did absolutely nothing for me if we’re talking about Anxiety but caused me an extreme psychotic episode. The blessing was that I later found out what was wrong with me, what those strange feelings and behaviors I experienced as a child were and there was finally some reason for why I felt like the crap I usually feel like. The curse was that I self harmed and almost resorted to suicide which I’m not gonna go into detail with.

If I’d been allowed to experience this “first major” episode of mine in peace in ~2018, maybe it wouldn’t have hit me as hard. I could have gotten “used” to the symptoms. And when I say used to I mean that they wouldn’t have fucked me as hard up as they did.

Now I’m of course, and you might have read it, not saying that the Xanax caused the Schizophrenia like I thought at first. It simply jump-started it.

My body made a listing on Kickstarter and pledged $2 for the initial goal of the project. The project being psychosis and the goal being Schizophrenia. And one pill of 0.5 mg Xanax was enough to fill the goal instead as $2 is roughly the street value of one 0.5 mg Xanax.

For you disbelievers, you can too enter psychosis from Benzodiazepines, it simply being called Agitated Toxic Psychosis. Google-Scholar it, bro.

In my case, I believe my Agitated part manifested itself deep down in my consciousness during my psychotic episode. As I was so terrified by the Derealization and Depersonalization that those symptoms masked those Agitated feelings that the voices, delusions and paranoia fed on for the duration of those two weeks. The Hallucinations and Delusions mainly revolving around killings, whether it was my self or others and self harm.

I may be terrible at school, but I’m terrific thinking out of the triangle, putting crap together and making theories that make more than sense. And much to my surprise, my psychiatrist strongly agrees with my theories, and it’s not just to shut me up. He’s more professional than to actually do that. He’s been cruelly frank with me in the past and he’d sure as hell tell the shit out of me if I wasn’t making any sense and was deluding myself.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Anyone here that’s experienced psychosis from Xanax or any other Benzodiazepine or are some Schizophrenics here that have noticed something strange from Benzodiazepine use? I’m open for all stories if there’s anything about psychosis, depression or any other mental disorder directly related to Benzodiazepine use! 

If there’s interest, I’ll write down everything that happened those two weeks, skipping the most graphic parts of course as they’re not well seen by the mods here which I completely understand. Suicides and self harm can trigger all sorts of feelings in sick individuals, plus, it’s just not very pleasant to read about or relive in one’s mind.

DISCLAIMER: What happened to me, experiencing psychosis from a drug that’s used to treat psychosis, is what’s called a Paradoxical Reaction. Paradoxical Reactions can happen from any drugs but are extremely rare, yet somehow more frequent with Benzos than with other drugs. It’s said that 5% of all Benzodiazepine users on this little planet of ours will experience Paradoxical Reactions from Benzodiazepines at one point in their lives. These reactions are most common with children, the elderly, in high doses and with abuse.
While none of those things relates to me, it can quite well happen, to anyone, anywhere, from any medication, for any reason. That it’s gonna happen to you is still highly unlikely and if you were gonna feel these Paradoxical Reactions, odds are you would have felt them by now. They can, not only, come out as Psychosis but also stress, anxiety and agitation. Benzo Rage, ever heard of it? That’s a Paradoxical Reaction as well.
Again, and I cant stress this enough, it’s highly, unrealistically, unlikely that this will ever happen to you and is my post not some sort of fear mongering aimed at regular folks for the sole purpose of making them paranoid that what they’re ingesting might cause them to go insane. I do not wish in any way to exacerbate anyone’s Benzo induced paranoia or uneasiness with this babble of mine. I’m just here looking for some answers!
I’ve researched it extensively and it looks like that this is one of the first of these cases in the world. That is that a Benzo might have triggered Schizophrenia. So you have nothing to worry about, absolutely nothing to worry about.

Thanks for reading this Subway foot-long! I actually like Quiznos better… Baja Chicken wrap with fries? Oh god yes, I would sell my soul right now for one of those!

Have a nice day, everyone! And could someone tell me what’s up with this guy?  Is he having some sort of seizure? I feel like what you have to type to make this guy  Should be switched with this strange seizure guy… But that’s just me 

 

Cedartree blames gluten for insanity

Scared of my depression
« on: December 27, 2012, 08:29:12 pm »

Metheral66

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression or uni polar depression as some call it. It started after I I was on benzos for about a yr. It got much worse when I had a tramatic event, and again even worse whwn I started to try to come off the benzos.

Im just so scared my depression will never lift. My friend quit benzos over 5 yrs ago and he hes a mess. What he sicribes to me sounds like bi polar. His moods are every where. And he refuses to take a mood stabalizer which I think is insane.

I just dont want some sperate underlining condition to ruin my recovery.

Re: Scared of my depression
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2012, 11:12:44 pm »

journey

Hi Metheral66

Your depression is temporary physical damage, causing depressive symptoms.
External stressors will make it worse.

Your depression will lift, as soon as you heal from the benzos.
Many people are reporting feeling better doing daily cuts.
I am coping better on daily cuts.

I don’t think your friend is insane because he does not choose to take a mood stabilizer, because psych meds can make things worse for a lot of people. He may want to pursue non drug treatment for his moods though.
If they are caused by benzos however, they will not respond to treatment in the normal way, due to the fact that they are caused by temporary physical damage.

It is common in wd to worry about never getting better, but we do heal.
All we need to do is to taper down as smoothly as possible.

Re: Scared of my depression
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2012, 11:58:57 pm »

Metheral66

Thanks for the encouragment journey.

I hope my depression will lift. I know ashton talks about the use of anti depressents if the depression is sever.

I know my friends not crazy but its frusterating to see him still suffer. I just want him to get well b/c he hasnt touched a drug in 5 yrs and is doing horribly. Whats most frusterating is that he wont try anything. I have anoth friend who is bi polar and she takes a mood stavalizer and is doing amazing. Before the drug she wasnt functioning at all.

Re: Scared of my depression
« Reply #3 on: Yesterday at 04:06:00 am »

cedartree

I haven’t had any depression, not once since I’ve been off benzo’s and all other psych drugs. My doctors labeled me as everything from S.A.D. to depressive, to bipolar, to GAD, etc etc etc. All along it was the drugs themselves that caused most of my problems. The other thing that caused my problems was being misdiagnosed when all along I had Celiac disease and no one knew what it was until now. If only I had been eating a gluten free diet and taking good care of myself I would never have had to suffer such horrible withdrawals.

Also, my sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder this summer. She is now 100% better and guess what……she isn’t taking any psych drugs of any kind!!! Amazing, her bipolar episode was actually triggered by Trazodone and Abilify. I was the one who suggested she allow herself to be off the drugs for a few months and see how she does. She’s so much better now. Just proves to me that the drugs themselves cause/create more problems than they could ever solve. This is my experience and my observation.

Re: Scared of my depression
« Reply #4 on: Yesterday at 06:42:18 am »

Metheral66

Thats awsome both you and your sister doing well!

Its just so very confusing. I mean you guys got better being off drugs. But how come my friends never did. Things just seemed to get worse. Like I said it wasn’t until my one friend was put on a mood stablalizer did she recover.

And my other friend has been med free for 5 years and he is just getting worse and worse.

Its hard to say “no one should ever take drugs” just as it hard to say “everyone should take drugs”.

Like when do you say medication may help?

I know for myself, I have to be a mood stabalizer or my depression becomes extremely disabling

Isn’t really confusing? or is it just me?

Re: Scared of my depression
« Reply #5 on: Yesterday at 11:51:37 am »

journey

Quote from: Metheral66 on December 27, 2012, 11:58:57 pm
Thanks for the encouragment journey.

I hope my depression will lift. I know ashton talks about the use of anti depressents if the depression is sever.

I know my friends not crazy but its frusterating to see him still suffer. I just want him to get well b/c he hasnt touched a drug in 5 yrs and is doing horribly. Whats most frusterating is that he wont try anything. I have anoth friend who is bi polar and she takes a mood stavalizer and is doing amazing. Before the drug she wasnt functioning at all.
Hi Metheral

Ashton nowadays is against ad’s. Her manual was done in 1982. It is now found that AD’s can cause more harm.
Ultimately its up to you though.
They have to be tapered too, sometimes with difficult results.
I assure you that you will recover.
You can not know what your friend has done in the last five years. If he used alcohol or whatever, so I would not compare myself with your friend.

Re: Scared of my depression
« Reply #6 on: Yesterday at 02:43:31 pm »

cedartree

Quote from: Metheral66 on Yesterday at 06:42:18 am
Its just so very confusing. I mean you guys got better being off drugs. But how come my friends never did. Things just seemed to get worse. Like I said it wasn’t until my one friend was put on a mood stablalizer did she recover.

And my other friend has been med free for 5 years and he is just getting worse and worse.

Perhaps your friend has something else wrong that has nothing at all to do with medications. I for instance suffered from depression because I had Celiac disease that was undiagnosed. When I eat gluten it causes severe depression and anxiety in me. They called it a mental disorder when in fact it was an autoimmune disease. Since I adhere to the correct diet, I am healthy. If I didn’t I would be curled up in a ball somewhere crying everyday.

All I’m saying is there could be factors that we simply do not understand and the doctors may not have dug deep enough to get to the root cause. If my doctors had stopped long enough to stop giving me drugs and looked at all of my symptoms, I believe they would have found my autoimmune disease long ago and I could have been healthy and happy without any drugs of any kind. But that’s not how our western medicine operates. The first thing they do is prescibe you something without thought to what kind of backlash it’s going to take on your health and your life.

All I can say is that you’ll never know just how healthy you can be until you’ve remained off drugs for a period of time and I don’t mean a month or two. You’ve got to really give it a chance. Lifestyle I have found is more important than anything else. If you take good care of your health your mind will be happier. It’s that simple. But somewhere along the line in our western culture we’ve lost sight of that altogether.

M, it used to be confusing to me too, now it’s clear as day. I had to go through all that you are going through before I figured this out for myself. Don’t worry, you’ll get there and find your answers.

SPECIAL COMMENT BY ANONYMOUS BENZO BUDDIES MEMBER

I have a feeling this post will draw some fire, so that’s fine with me. Let me start by saying that I have researched the subject matter extensively, consulting MDs, pharmacists and the good ole Internet.

In the UK a doctor named Heather Ashton is worshiped as a saviour for benzo addicted people and insists that the only way to come off ANY benzo is to switch to the equivalent dose of Valium. This is problematic in a number of ways.

  1. She states 1mg Xanax =20mg Valium accepted in UK only as conversion
  2. Virtually ALL US and Canadian medical professionals estimate the equivalency to be between 5-10 mg of Valium per 1mg Xanax
  3. Xanax is a 1,4 triazalo benzo targeting completely different receptor sites than Valium
  4. Many unfortunate individuals attempting this have wound up with a dual dependency because of this fact

On the subject of the UK and it’s benzo forums, I have been there and in my opinion most of the people making posts, including the administrators, suffer from some sort of untreated mental illness ranging from OCD to schizophrenia/ paranoid schizophrenia.

It is blatantly obvious by their religiosity regarding anti-benzo thinking, much as the Scientology group condemns the field of psychiatry. Lay persons should NOT give holier than thou medical advice to those who have become dependent on ANY drug. A competent MD should ALWAYS be the first line of action in treating a medical condition. Support is one thing…self prescribing is another. Prescribing is for licensed physicians only.

As far as DEA Schedule 2 narcotics drug abuse is concerned, they are reserved for the most serious medical conditions and certainly NOT for recreational use. Around here we have a heroin Drug abuse epidemic with MANY addicts being found dead with the needle still in their arm due to the purity and high added dose of crystalline fentanyl added to the mixture. This is absolutely Russian Roulette, and I would strongly advise anyone buying street narcotics get into rehab ASAP before they die. IMO.

And for those who religiously claim that benzos are evil and brain damaging, for the record I developed 3 clean energy patents in the past 3 years while taking these “evil” drugs and earned close to $2 million as a result. So much for the debilitating effects of benzos. One final note: Years ago I was legally prescribed Valium 10mg 4 x a day and kicked it after 5 years. The night terrors were absolutely horrific. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. BTW am doing fine with my direct taper off Xanax. OK, bring it on ON!