Husband wants back on pills after Ashton taper leaves him unable to get off floor

At the risk of incurring the wrath of everyone here...
« on: October 09, 2017, 01:58:31 pm »

[Buddie]

my husband has been benzo free for 4 months and 1 week, and he is considering reinstating!!  :'(  It’s just too much. He feels like he will have an actual breakdown. He is being driven by the intrusive thoughts about his symptoms never getting better. He is lying on the floor all day, hardly able to walk to the bathroom, watching a few benign things on tv (but still on mute), but mostly panicked about his breathing symptoms. He still can’t feel himself breathing -loss of sensation in nostrils/numb nose/feels like nose is blocked/feels like nose is collapsing- and his nose is getting drier still and black chunks are coming off the walls. Really bad air hunger from (seemingly) the incredibly tight muscles in his chest. Throat constriction. This is hell folks.

I know the mantra on this site is to soldier through, but seriously, I had to invoke the Baker Act 5 years ago, and he was put on these benzos after that. He might not make it through this.

I’m sure I’m going to get a slew of “you can’t do it” posts, and “don’t reinstate” posts, but seriously, if you have experience with late reinstatement, or reinstatement that relieved your physical symptoms, I want to hear them. Even if you tell me it relieved it at the time, but you wish you hadn’t because it kindled the next withdrawal, at least tell me that you got some relief initially.

Alternately, if you had similar nose issues, when did they get better for you?

Benzo Buddies: Flea spray affects GABA

Please help, desperate, got fleas in house but flea spray affects GABA
« on: August 08, 2017, 09:50:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello

My friend brought his dog in my flat and the dog has left fleas, ive been bitten.
I’ve tried vaccumming, but I am so depressed and anxious and stressed about other things including withdrawal that I only have the energy to vaccuumm part of a room a day, ,whereas to get rid of the fleas, eggs and larvae you either have to vaccuum every day for a week or use flea spray with insect growth regulator in.
The problem with these substances is that they all have chemicals in which, on doing research, affect gaba in a bad way, I wont ramble.
I even tried to find a respirator online so that I did not breathe in any of the vapours, but there is so much choice that I am totally confused as to which respirator to buy to prevent me inhaling the fumes of the flea spray, as you have to keep windows shut while it works when you spray.
Has anyone ever used any of the strong flea sprays in withdrawal?
Did they react with you in a bad way?
I am desperate to hear of anyone’s experience with these flea sprays, they worked for me when i wasnt on valium but I am scared to use them given what I have read online about them interacting with GABA.
Thanks

Shocking real life “taper apartment”

The above apartment was used for a years-long, failed Valium taper. After a grueling 1600 day micro-taper, directed by online kooks, the addict relapsed on diazepam. He since has been checked (5150’d) into a mental hospital where he is getting needed professional medical help. Shame on the people who let this poor unfortunate suffer in such squalor.

Once you join Benzo Buddies you never can leave, member on THIRD taper attempt

Third time trying this :(
« on: April 14, 2017, 06:14:52 pm »

[Buddie]

First time, failed cold turkey in September 2016

Did 4 month liquid taper that ended Feb 28th ,2017. Failed after 6 week jump. Big mistake using gabapentin. Made me lost take my own life.

Last and final attempt. Going to get of of this rat poison gabapentin which made benzo withdrawl seem like a joke. Then do the klonopin taper.

Once I am stabaloze, how long so you think it will take to taper off 1.5mg k. I do not want to rush it, nor prolong it. Please someone offer some advice. Would 9 months seem excessive?

Addict “using substances never intended for human consumption” but blames benzos for brain damage

What else could this be? + update/doubts
« on: March 02, 2017, 08:31:38 am »

[Buddie]

I feel like a walking nuclear power station in meltdown now. I have SO many severe neurological symptoms now that I am starting to doubt it is Benzo related anymore. I’m not saying this is the case for everyone else, but because I was using substances that were never intended for human consumption, and because there are rare neurological conditions such as Neuromyotonia in my family, I am going to tell the doctor today about all of it. I could have been gulping down poison or some kind of chemical neurotoxins for three years, who knows. I am a stupid idiot, I choked down dozens of those shitty blue ‘pellets’ an hour at some points. I did taper, but I had to taper very fast for the dose, with no medical assistance and a bunch of threats.

I also face the stigma that cloaks any kind of addiction, which frightens me because if I do land up being referred on for some investigations, it may cloud people’s judgement and I’ll just be accused of drug seeking again. This also excludes me from any kind of pain management too. I was in bed for a week last month (even more so than usual) with my period. I was delirious from the pain, felt like someone was repeatedly winding me and tearing my insides up with razors, couldn’t even speak or sit up, just yelp and whimper when the pain and buzzing tore through my insides (buzzing moves into my pelvic area when I get my period). All I managed was the odd 10 minute crawl to the bathroom to almost vomit (never did thankfully). If I stood up, I started seeing stars & darkness and started passing out. It was just me and the easily level 10 pain, in a little bubble of whimpering mess. All this is coming again around the 8th, so not long now!!!!. 
Try being an addict and getting any kind of pain addressed, it’s not going to happen, been there, tried it. Nobody will even investigate Endometriosis with me, probably because they think I’m after pain meds.

Another thing that makes me strongly suspect something else may be at play now is my lack of apparently very common psychological sxs like panic, terror, severe anxiety etc. All the info I have dug up suggests these are more prevalent than all the physical sxs combined. I don’t even have the classic one, Insomnia (I have totally the opposite, extreme exhaustion and inability to move). I haven’t read a single report that has been totally devoid of these mental symptoms. Even if I have a ‘window’ that for me only means a lessening of a couple of symptoms for a few hours, my most severe ones like burning skin, pain, neuropathy and internal vibrations never, ever go away. I imagine people with a variety of neurological conditions also have ‘good days’ where some of their sxs lessen, that pattern is not uncommon for any illness or condition, from flu to brain injuries. I think I was in such a fogged, addled state on Benzos that I ignored my deteriorating health and let something creep in. 

I need some form of resolution before this illness brings on the psych sxs I’ve so far escaped. I feel sort of blessed to have escaped the brunt of the psychological aspect of WD, specially given it certainly seems the worst and most distressing part to many people here. A lot of people also seem to be over the physical, which in withdrawal seems far more prevalent in acute than months out, and are now engaged in a mainly mental climb out of this mess. You can to a certain degree negate the mental aspects with many different coping strategies, not to downplay this aspect of withdrawal at ALL so please don’t think that.
I have suffered ongoing mental health issues such as anxiety (which Benzos quadrupled for me!) all my life. I manage these the same way as I always have. No amount of psychological intervention will negate physical illness though, and I am very, very unwell. It feels like my body is rotting, slowly but surely rotting like a zombie in the Walking Dead (I love that show! lol). I am losing not only weight, but muscle mass too, all my muscles are atrophying. I look like a Walking Dead extra too, my skin is ghost white, my eyes look like someone thumbed them three inches into my head, I am a mess. I simply cannot carry on this way, something has to give.

I am seeing the doctor today and I will be telling him about the family history and all my symptoms. I am really wondering if Benzos just opened the door, fried my CNS and allowed something to take hold. I will of course say I noticed all these sxs once I stopped using Benzos, but I must also take into account the fact Benzos may have been covering something up. They may have reduced both the symptoms of such a condition, and my ability to recognize it.

There are factors for me that point to this being far more than just withdrawal now. Some of my symptoms are above and beyond anything I’ve researched on Benzo withdrawal, and some don’t fit the bill at all.

My internal vibrations/tremoring is so severe now that it rules every last second of my life. I can’t stand, sit, walk or anything with any degree of comfort because it quickly turns to numbness and neuropathy if anything makes contact with my body such as a seat or if I lean against something. I have never, ever heard of this being so extreme or prevalent in WD from any drug. This symptom alone feels like it causes many sxs, and if I could get rid if it, I would get rid of them too. I feel like an alcoholic in acute inside. I wish I was in a way, it seems alcoholics have done the DTs in a few days and are basically ok physically a couple of weeks out. I am still very much ready to accept I may have something other than Benzo WD now though. I haven’t touched a Benzo for 5 months, I know I am over acute, but my body is severely damaged. My brain appears to have scraped through and continues to improve all the time, but having a functioning brain in a broken body is the worst thing any human can possibly experience.

I am so sick now I would not be surprised if I am not sent straight up to the hospital for some urgent tests today. My long suffering husband was a couple of weeks ago, because to top all of this off, he has both Cauda Equina Syndrome (neurological spinal condition), he also has a swollen calf muscle from a suspected partial tendon rupture. They had to rule out DVT. He’s had two normal D Dimer tests, so that’s one thing it’s not. I want to help him with this as much as I can but I am bedridden and extremely unwell. Everything is too much now. Many of my ancestors were tortured and killed in German extermination camps during WWII, and somehow many also survived and told their horrendous stories, so maybe, just maybe, if a human being can survive something as atrocious as that, I will survive this?. I am ready to accept the worst though. I have forgotten what it’s like to wake up and feel ‘well’, I don’t even know what ‘well’ is anymore. I get very upset when I see someone jogging or cycling or jumping around, because I can barely lift my arms above my head. I feel like it’s time to ask for something like a mobility scooter or a f*cking wheelchair. Pardon my language but I’ve had enough of my torture chamber body.

I can deal with this very real possibility, even if whatever it is is going to kill me, fine, just tell me what it is because if something’s going to kill me, I want to get acquainted with it first, please don’t shoot me in the back.

Last off, if anyone suggests I ever reinstate, I will give it some serious consideration because I have reached the end of my rope now, out of slack, no more room for movement in my little box.

« Last Edit: March 02, 2017, 09:09:23 am by [Buddie] »

Ashton tapers cause tongue twitching

twit

Did anyone have weird tongue symptoms?
« on: August 14, 2016, 01:45:29 am »

[Buddie]

I get this weird taste in my mouth, almost metallic or like perfume. I also get tongue twitches and like a feeling that I have something on my tongue, crawling or kind of like pop rocks or food is stuck there. Anyone else have this? The taper also gives me heartburn, so maybe it’s that as well?

What other symptoms did you guys feel?, the sensitivity to hear, red ears, nausea, and vision disturbance is driving me insane.

[…]

HAPPY TAPERING!

Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« on: July 24, 2016, 06:55:10 am »

[Buddie]

Warning this is probably depressing or will be flagged so dont read if u cant handle a rant. Sorry. I was reading about someone on here in a similar situation but I didnt want to write all this as a reply becuz its probably not helpful to them. “Why are people so cruel” was the post.

That being said, my brother went off on me tonight. He never has before. It was scary he was cursing and to me it seemed like it came out of nowhere. My heart is broken. I could write him off as an asshole but my cousin launched a similar attack on me last week and I didn’t see it coming. I feel like people keep coming after me with their venom because they see I’m vulnerable. Is this naive? I’m so tired of taking the blame and not being supported in this family that even if I am doing something wrong I never want to talk to them again. My uncle and my dad (both alcoholics) have had a go at me for unrelated things. And I can never keep my cool, I get so pissed off. Tonight at dinner when my brother said that stuff he took off and i then threw my bowl of food on the table. I have so little self control with my anger anymore. In both cases with my brother and cousin it really seemed to me like they were over-reacting to my “attitude” – both took off as if I so horrible they couldnt stand me.I already feel like and idiot and awkward and have no confidence and now I get to be screamed at for existing. I dont know what is going on anymore half the time and I am livid how this is how I’m treated because I would never do that to them and have bent over backward for all of them. But if I make one mistake….I havent even talked to my brother lately and he went off after probably four minutes of my being there. I dont feel supportes at all. Even my mom who read a bunch of stuff from bb and ashton I think at least partly agrees with them. Both she and my cousin at the time of his outburst on our camping trip took off and went home early, stranding me their with no car.

I’ve been staying at my parents house instead of my apartment since my anxiety got so bad but now I want to get the hell out of here too. The problem is I left my apartment in the first place because my neighbor on the otherside of the wall was and is using the shared basement as his drug den, both doing and selling. (This was not my anxiety exaggerating, people have confirmed it.) Cops have been useless. So just yesterday Im thinking ok im strong enougb to go back to my apartment. My mom was picking up my mail and saw I had a neighbor living above me who had just moved in (it’s a four-plex house). I thougbt it might be good because at least I wouldnt be alone with the creepy druggy family. (Was feeling very unsafe). Anyway I ask her to look on the new person’s mailbox and find out the name – as I share a outside door and entry with this new person.
She comes home and I am not making this up…she’s written the name on some of my mail and it’s a f’ing exboyfriend from yrs ago! Not someone I want to see at all, smug, condescending and cocky in general. Now i dont even want to go back there because I will inevitably have to see him. Ugh! I got super anxious living their before from how the druggy was monitoring my comings and goings in timing with when he’d do his drug stuff. I think that would be anxiety provoking for someone not on benzos to know they’re being watched. everyone knows what you are doing since their is no sound insulation.

Ive looked for a place (moving isnt stessful, right?!) but nothing yet. At this point i wonder if i should just get dropped off and stay camping with my dog (our day alone together was the best) or do I have to look into some kind of safe housing an hr away for people in crisis. I havent even started a formal taper yet and there is all this extra bs going on. I just want to feel safe and be left alone (with my dog). There i vented. Now if anyone reada this they will agree with my brother that im negative. No, i just didnt want to talk about all this negative crap and they kept bringing it up even after i repeatedly asked them not to. Thats when he screamed at me that i was making everything about myself. Why because i dont want to have dinner conversations about icky stuff, one topic after another all of which are about my dog, my apartment, my ex… Seriously??? I am so alone in this world and I feel like a freak. What the hell am I supposed to do? Im carless in a rural area. I cant believe this is my life. I dont make things all about me – i feel horribly guilty for even venting on here because im worried someone will now think that. I cant even stand to think about these situations any more than i absolutely have to, let alone make people listen to it. Tired of being judged.

Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2016, 06:03:42 am »

[Buddie]

No judgment here! That sounds like a legitimately difficult situation to deal with even without adding a benzo taper to the mix! It sounds like your family situation is less than healthy (same here, is anybody’s actually healthy? Lol). Is it possible you’d do better on your own at your apartment? You wouldn’t have to see this ex TOO often unless you decided to strike up a friendship, and maybe in the years that have passed, he has changed. He doesn’t have to know what you’re going through. Stick to small talk, “Oh wow, small world. How are you? Good? Me too. See you around!”

That sounds like an easier situation to deal with than the one at home, but you’re the one living through it so you’d know better than me! But try to remind yourself that no matter which you choose, it was YOUR decision (be empowered by that), and make the best of it. You deserve that. Don’t let others rain on your parade. Live your life and do what you have to do. 

Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2016, 06:35:44 am »

[Buddie]

Hi […],

There is no judgement here. We are all in this together and we all have family junk to deal with. I really don’t know what to say about your living situation, but would have to agree with […]. You have to live your life for yourself and be happy with who you are. Never mind what others have to say about your choices, they are just that, YOUR choices and they need to respect that.

Make a life for you and your dog, if that’s what you want. It sounds really good to me. You would have freedom and wouldn’t have to be in a negative atmosphere. Plus you would be able to calm down enough to get on with your taper. This site will be all the support you will need, it may even become your new family!

Good luck to you and I hope to see more of your postings.

~[…] 
« Last Edit: July 25, 2016, 10:01:41 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2016, 07:34:09 am »

[Buddie]

I am reading “Codependent No More” and it is helping with a ton of stuff… Seeing as you mentioned alcoholism and an ex that’s an ass and some poor treatment in general I thought I’d throw that out there. It’s empowering, the book. Whether chemical or compulsive addictions are factors in those around you or not- I think it’s an important book for all kinds of reasons.

I also recommend ” Boundaries ” by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

They have all kinds of books like ” Safe People ” and others that could help you navigate this sort of treachery.

You don’t sound negative at all to me… Also, Al-anon helps me, personally- I’ve had NPD spectrum individuals in my life, I think we all do. Definetely get wise about Narcissism, Sociopathy and such… If you aren’t self-educated in that area yet, please do some research. My eyes were opened wide- I had no idea until I had survived an over seven year relationship with a psychopath… And I am not exaggerating. It took a while to find the pieces of that puzzle and put them together- now I know, for life, what some people actually can be, at their core.

That’s not negativity or paranoia, that’s survival.

I also agree with […] and […]… And on this note I happen to have one last book to recommend – ” The Gift of Fear “

Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2016, 10:00:24 pm »

[Buddie]

Thank you all. I really mean it. I will take everything you’ve said to heart. Right now I’m in crisis mode I just had a legit physical confrontation with my dad. My mom took off. I’m hiding in my room because I’m frozen. I have so much stuff to get to my house, and no energy. My dad is known for taking stuff so it makes me even more worried to leave anything which I know is nuts I shouldn’t worry about material things I just feel so insecure.

I just called my psych dr’s office but was told “that the computers are down”, what ever that means so I dont know if they’ll call me today.

I worried I’m going to end up in the psych ward and have to leave my dog. She is super attached separation anxiety puppy.

I know im not acting totally normal, really having a lot of rage but then I’ll feel like it’s justified because I think they all could be a lot more decent to me and stop making it about them.

They keep saying Im making everything about me but I havent even talked to my brother or dad other than that dinner so how can that be possible?

My memory really sucks maybe ive complained more to other people than ive realized.

I cant believe my mom, i am most disappointed i her, but she wasnt handling life very well when my dad’s alcoholism was the only problem.

Maybe I need to go to inpatient, ive never been this out of control, throwing shit because I can handle being screamed at.

I really hate that they make me question my sanity, because I know its not all true but then I dont know what is.

Its like my mom thinks because Im mad she didnt stick up for me and told my trouble-making uncle all this crap, well she always blames the medicine.

Im so self conscious because I dont know what Im doing wrong that ive even stopped talking to my only friend because I cant handle possible judgement and embarrassment of being crazy.

I think I was already a little ptsd before any of this and im worried i’ll never get the image of my dad come at me out of my head.

Ive wanted to get out of here but Ive been sleeping so much and i havent had the energy to go get groceries, put in my ac, etc. i cant even get into the damn bathroom to take a shower because someone is always in there. So i feel really bad about myself.

Now the only vehicle is gone again. When did my family turn to white trash. I almost think I was due to “lose it” after all that ive dealt with the last few yrs.
so here i am “making it about myself ” again. Sorry, im freaking suffering. I put off doing this taper because I could never count on stability. Now I have no choice and Im screwed. It feels like a nightmare I cant get out of. I told my dad he was a terrible father and i feel really bad about that.

I cant handle confrontation, this is the second time in a few days ive reacted by throwing and nreaking stuff. Is this from the withdrawl or am I just nuts?

I do feel like Im not completely understanding everything going on around me, like how people could have been so pissed to act that way in the first place if i was being super “negative”. If they think im really crazy then they think thats how they should act toward someone mentally ill? I cant say anything to get through to my mom. I did call both her and my brother out for some minor legit crappy behavior towards me (which normally i would put up with in order to avoid all hell breaking loose).

I dont think my relationships will ever come back from this. I just want to move away to another state with more sun like Ive planned to for years. I cant even get across town.

This no car thing is bs, im on disability but only getting ssi which is barely enough to cover rent.

I’d call a cab but i really need to shower and and i have too much stuff. My dad is here without my mom so he’d probably do God knows what to my room. I dont even care i just want peace and to be left alone, thats all ive been saying to them. Do i sound whiny, nuts, self absorbed? For real Im asking. I cant even tell.

I guess i am just really awful to be around, i dont know i feel like a sometimes im in more of a joking funny mood than anyone around me. But they ignore that.
My life was never like this growing up. I cant believe any of this. Im so upset.

Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2016, 10:11:17 pm »

[Buddie]

Im really strong normally but I dont think I can make it through withdrawl. Im also super nervous this could get much worse in the next week when i start pms’ing…depression is always worse. Really cant hang on if its worse. This mood stuff has been worse than anything thing ive ever had before

No addict should be allowed to get behind the wheel and endanger others

Most of the benzodiazepine addicts, that haunt Benzo Buddies and the secret Facebook groups, describe themselves as totally disabled: needing to crawl to the bathroom, experiencing auditory and visual hallucinations, unable to walk (Alee Sun/Ally Nugent claims she needs a walker years off benzos), claims that a single apple causes a night of myoclonic jerking and that a stick of chewing gum can send them into months-long waves, etc. Why should they be allowed to drive? Do you want to share the road with some poor, mentally ill drug addict who thinks Kentucky Fried Chicken is a government plot to poison them?

During their often years-long tapers, they should lose their driving privileges. As many addicts relapse, post-taper they should be subject to random drug testing – as a condition of the taper. This should be enforced by the state and the prescribing doctor.

Society has to be protected from drug abusers who break the law and drive just as we protect it from drunk drivers.

Norway test drivers for BZO
« on: July 13, 2016, 07:05:52 am »

[Buddie]

http://www.aftenbladet.no/nyheter/Dette-apparatet-har-gitt-UP-en-ny-og-skremmende-rekord-for-ruskjoring-3960544.html

OMG, the repercussions this will have to people who have been off the drug for weeks will be jailed/fine for driving under the influence of BZO, unlike a alcohol test this does not measure a percentage, but just the fact its in your system. I can understand this for truck drives, public transport, but to random test drivers for BZO is outrageous. Because of the fact it not measured in percentage to lawfully drive. Someone who has been off the drug will test for weeks and weeks.

Re: Norway test drivers for BZO
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2016, 08:03:35 am »

[Buddie]

This is actually what got my mother to start her tapering! She put her car in the garage and started the day she found out! I imagine that she is not the only one!

Re: Norway test drivers for BZO
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2016, 08:09:27 am »

[Buddie]

http://nhi.no/livsstil/helsetjenesten/diverse/forerkort-og-b-preparater-35928.html
This thread may be useful to see how it actually will effect drivers with the new rules!

Re: Norway test drivers for BZO
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2016, 08:32:06 am »

[Buddie]

Problem is there is no way to detect the percentage of the drug BZO in your system, unlike driving with illegal drugs, which is understandable, BZO will test you positive, even weeks after stopping, So you will be charged with driving as if you took 3 or 4 10 mg doses, make no difference whether or not you stopped weeks ago. The time and money involved to clear you would be enormous, let alone the jail time and fine, maybe you could win in court but that would be a long and expensive road, and for those that cannot afford will suffer the wrath of the judicial system. I really am frustrated people using BZO prescribed are targeted the same as ifusing cocain or crack or any other illegal drug!

Crippling years-long Ashton tapers forcing addicts to decide between a sink bath or continuing to wallow in filth

And why not?...?
« on: June 27, 2016, 02:16:14 pm »

[Buddie]

This is a question that I have learned to ask myself a lot. Let’s face it, we have all been using all of our energy to battle symptoms. And why not… use this energy for something else? Here goes…

1. Put carpet shampoo on just one area of the carpet, let it dry, and vacuum it up? Even if you feel you’re going to fall, you see that you don’t, and in that one moment you smile.

2. Slap a swiffer cloth on the mop and force it around that nasty kitchen floor. Can’t hurt can it? If the spasms in your face get worked up, WEAR EM OUT!

3. Take two sips of the cold Coke you have in the fridge. It might make you stand up straighter.

4. Challenge yourself to unload the dishwasher. It helps with back and arm strength.

5. Talk to yourself out loud. Practice difficult vocabulary to prove to yourself ” if I can say that, I’m o.k.”.

6. Burst out in laughter at yourself. Imagine yourself convulsing over the funniest thing you ever heard. Here’s one : ” He/She is crazier than a FRUIT BAT”! This lets you know if you can laugh, you’re not headed to the E.R.

7. Make your bed. Even if the covers are a tossed up mess (proof you got no sleep last night) it will give you some comfort to try again tonight.

8. Walk out and get the mail . ” I didn’t say read it!”

9. Put on clean clothes. Even if you can only take a sink bath, it makes you feel like a functioning part of society! At least you smell better!

10. Lastly, look at all those little things you did today! Be proud of them IT WILL GIVE YOU CONFIDENCE FOR TOMORROW!

SMILES EVERYONE… YOUR BODY AND MIND WILL FOLLOW! I?