Addict turns benzo taper into lifelong career

Feel like I completely screwed myself and now feel hopeless
« on: November 20, 2017, 10:07:02 pm »

[Buddie]

I can’t help but feel like my failed Valium crossover and then all of the one off updoses that I very stupidly took to help me sleep have completely screwed me up. I’ve never felt so physically sick or mentally off. It’s unbearable I’m bed ridden and absolutely overwhelmed with terror and irrational thoughts 24/7. I don’t know what to do anymore I think I kindled myself so badly. I just wanted relief. This is my history:

Last year I did a daily liquid microtaper from February until November. I would liquefy one of my .5 mg tablets in 100 mL’s of milk and take our 1.2 mL’s a day until it was gone. So I got down to 1.5 mg’s around November of last year when I was slammed with symptoms/side effects and after seeking advice I decided to updose to 2 and then ultimately reinstate back at 2.5. This did not stabilize me at all and I wish more than anything I had just held at 1.5. In May of this year I had a failed Valium crossover. I then went back to 2.5 and tried a dry cut going extremely slow and only got from 2.5 to 2.375 cutting at a little less than 5% but I felt so terrible that I again went back to 2.5 and actually tried going to 3 mg’s for six days to see if I could get relief and did not so I then went back to 2.5 which is where I am now and have been for a few months with occasional 5 mg Valium updoses mixed in.

Porn saves benzo addict’s life?

Porn ? Really need advice please
« on: August 27, 2017, 09:10:56 am »

[Buddie]

Hi enveryone.

I’m shamefull about it but i think its also a problem like another.

I was wondering if porn (like masturbating at least 2 Times a day...) can prevent the CNS from healing. Because I know that it takes energy and stimulates the CNS.

I’m in a rough period of my withdrawal at 2.5 months and i’m a afraid of quitting porn and be even more stressed and depressed, like just quitting another addiction…

I don’t know if I should stop because it hurts my CNS a lot or if I should consider quitting later… ?
My symptoms are actually: depression, anxiety, lethargy, weakness and other little things…

Thank you all
« Last Edit: August 27, 2017, 01:23:36 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Porn ? Really need advice please
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2017, 02:04:39 pm »

[Buddie]

Hey buddy,

Im willing to bet that it can be taxing on your CNS. And it definitely doesn’t help your practice for self control which can be very harmful for you and your mental health. I understand that this is something that is not easy to admit to people that you do, and asking for help in this area takes a lot of guts, so I totally commend you on this for taking the first step which is asking for helping. And remember that we all need help in one area or another. You are not the only one.

I’m a Christian, and I know that we are suppose to refrain from having religious talks on this forum, but I gotta tell you, if you give this area of weakness over to Jesus, you will be amazed at the victory you can have. I know I can’t overcome my problems by myself.

You may or may not believe, but it’s just some thought I figured I’d give you hat I know has helped me in the past, and he has changed my life.

Anyways, keep up the good fight, and we are here for ya!

Scrappy

Re: Porn ? Really need advice please
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2017, 02:14:19 pm »

[Buddie]

I agree with Scrappy:)

Keep healing

Re: Porn ? Really need advice please
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2017, 03:20:52 pm »

[Buddie]

You will find this strange, i’ve never been really religious, but since me beginning of post-benzo i go like every 2 weeks at church to pray and thanks God and Jesus to give me strengh.

I know that i need to quit this and this is a bad addiction, but it’s really worst since post-benzo, i really want to quit but it seems too hard for now… And my psychiatrist doesnt really help me !

So i’m asking myself if i need to quit now or later to heal better…

Re: Porn ? Really need advice please
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2017, 04:18:18 pm »

[Buddie]

I don’t think the porn is necessarily going to stop healing. If you are exhausting yourself with any activity, that could not be good, cause you need to take care of yourself and give yourself the rest your body needs. This could also be your personal way of stress-relief, and maybe it’s helping? Maybe take a few days off and see.

Re: Porn ? Really need advice please
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2017, 07:37:10 pm »

[Buddie]

……and risking carpal tunnel is just another worry you don’t need..

Re: Porn ? Really need advice please
« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2017, 08:19:49 pm »

[Buddie]

I don’t think watching porn will delay the healing, but stopping a porn addiction can cause nasty withdrawal symptoms on top of the benzo withdrawal symptoms. This will increase depression, anxiety, insomnia an fatigue. During porn withdrawal your dopamine and GABA levels will go down. During most dopaminergic drug/behaviour addiction withdrawals, the levels of corticotropin releasing factor and dynorphin increase. This will make you feel like shit, until the brain reaches homeostasis in kappa opioid and dopamine receptors. Some people even expierence porn PAWS.

Re: Porn ? Really need advice please
« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2017, 08:47:24 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m no expert but while withdrawing you should listen closely to your body and mind. If it seems to have adverse effects, then cut […]. Masterbation is not an addiction unless it controls you. Porn is another story. If you are addicted and go cold turkey, it could increase you symptoms. I’m not advocating anything here but there are some things to consider. Nothing to be ashamed of!
« Last Edit: August 27, 2017, 08:53:12 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Porn ? Really need advice please
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2017, 04:47:30 am »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on August 27, 2017, 02:04:39 pm
Hey buddy,

Im willing to bet that it can be taxing on your CNS. And it definitely doesn’t help your practice for self control which can be very harmful for you and your mental health. I understand that this is something that is not easy to admit to people that you do, and asking for help in this area takes a lot of guts, so I totally commend you on this for taking the first step which is asking for helping. And remember that we all need help in one area or another. You are not the only one.

I’m a Christian, and I know that we are suppose to refrain from having religious talks on this forum, but I gotta tell you, if you give this area of weakness over to Jesus, you will be amazed at the victory you can have. I know I can’t overcome my problems by myself.

You may or may not believe, but it’s just some thought I figured I’d give you hat I know has helped me in the past, and he has changed my life.

Anyways, keep up the good fight, and we are here for ya!

Scrappy

As a 25 year old woman who is engaged to the best man in the world and continued to have a rocking sex life all through withdrawal as well as look at porn a few times a month I can say it was my saving grace during the worst time in my life aka withdrawal from benzos.

[…] you are not shameful in the least bit, not sure if you are a man or a woman but watching porn is NOTHING to be ashamed of and unless it is causing you to not be able to have real relationships with people or if you feel it is an addiction in and of itself then don’t worry about it, it can help to release the major stress of benzo withdrawal and recovery, provide some temporary pleasure in your life and also just distract you.

Also highly recommend sex and connection with real people if you are up to it, withdrawal is a beast but it ends, I swear. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY OR ASHAMED OF YOUR SEXUALITY and you have zero reason to fear it will effect your CNS whether you quit or keep going with watching porn.

PS. Do you […] and don’t let anybody make you feel bad for how you choose to express your sexuality.

CULT OF SHAME

Re: Benzodiazepine Information Coalition's Website
« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2016, 01:06:13 am »

[Buddie]

Thanks, […]! Good detective work! Did I miss it on the website? I thought perhaps there was some reason why I couldn’t find any specific names and biographies attached to this project. Why wouldn’t the names and bios be listed in the “About Us” section? Why wouldn’t they introduce themselves formally — especially if they’re asking for money? Am I missing something?
« Last Edit: September 18, 2016, 01:27:29 am by [Buddie] »

Re: Benzodiazepine Information Coalition's Website
« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2016, 01:51:46 am »

[Buddie]

I know Lapis, I thought the same thing. No, you didn’t miss it on the website. It’s not there. This really should be information on the website, but apparently you have to be a Facebook member to find out everything, like members names, 24 hr fundraising event, not sure what else. I’m a little disappointed by this. I don’t like Facebook. This is how I found it (in bold):

Quote from: [Buddie] on September 18, 2016, 12:46:02 am
I can’t seem to post the link, I think because it’s Facebook. I’m not a Facebook member, but if you Google “who runs the benzodiazepine information coalition”, a Facebook return comes up called, “Benzodiazepine Information Coalition – Timeline | Facebook. Click on that and the above quote comes from the comment section and you can click on “Jocelyn”. You’ll recognize her from the videos.

Cult of Shame

"Secret" Facebook Group
« on: April 12, 2016, 12:17:58 am »

[Buddie]

Is there a “secret” benzo withdrawl group on Facebook? I see there are “closed” ones, but others can see if I become a member. Only a handful of people know about my addiction and I’d like to keep it that way. 

Drug-seeking addict seeks cult’s help in finding new doc to supply pills

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« on: February 25, 2016, 08:12:04 pm »

katz09899

Anybody else struggling to get their doctor to believe them about their protracted benzo withdrawal? When I see my dr. he asks me how I’m doing but then gets irate when I tell him the truth. He insists that benzo withdrawals only last 7-14 days ( it’s been 5 months for me so far). He’s accused me of pill seeking even though I’ve never asked for medications, and has even told me “you’re better than this”. I’m so frustrated. How do you go about finding a Dr. with experience treating benzo withdrawal? I’m not looking for meds, just someone who acknowledges that I feel the way I feel.

Re: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2016, 08:20:14 pm »

[Buddie]

WOW. Just wow. What’s wrong with your doctor? Arrogance? Ignorance? Lack of empathy for his suffering patients? I could go on. Is this the same doctor who gave you the benzos to start with and got you into this mess? Wasn’t HE better than that? I’m sorry you are dealing with such a doctor Katz. When I hear about doctors treating those of us struggling with benzo withdrawal in such an ignorant and callous manner, it makes my blood boil. IMO its time to find another doctor.


[…]

Re: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2016, 08:27:24 pm »

katz09899

Yes, he’s the same Dr. that prescribed them to me 8 years ago.

Re: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2016, 08:28:48 pm »

[Buddie]

HE IS AN IDIOT ! That is what is wrong with him !! You are 5 trillion times better than him. Don’t pay any attention. My dr. pretty much said same thing to me. Thank God we know better now. I would never go to him again.

Re: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2016, 08:29:10 pm »

[Buddie]

‘Withdrawal’ means removal of the drug, so he’s seeing this as having been accomplished already. You’re left with the process of recovering from the temporary damage the benzo has done…the healing or recovery process, which is very symptomatic for those of us who find ourselves here searching for answers. Docs get caught up in semantics and lack of information on the length of time it takes for the GABA receptors to heal. And that’s how they let us down as patients, by not validating this.

Benzo-wise doctors are few and far between, most of us must go this on our own. It’s a shame that most of our doctors aren’t better educated about what benzodiazepines can do over time.

Re: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DOCTOR?
« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2016, 09:37:57 pm »

katz09899

I had read somewhere that it was called “PAWS”, for Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Which most if not all Drs. who prescribe these meds have no real knowledge of the harm these meds cause. I too searched for some Dr. to help me and only got frustration from the ones I turned to. I tried Drs. and drug clinics and didn’t find much support. I just wanted someone to “listen” and be compassionate and encouraging and the only place that I have found the support I needed was here at BB. Sharing back and forth really helps, keep doin it. Keep reaching out. Thanks to everyone who has helped me.

Benzo Buddies member asks cult to brainwash parents

I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« on: February 24, 2016, 02:14:09 pm »

[Buddie]

Idk if its a good idea for maybe a moderator from this site to email my mom, ive been so out of alternatives that i need some help at least on getting my parents back to support me..

My crazy pdoc says i could never have wd from 2 weeks 5 mg ct ativan, even though i had been in protracted wd of klonopin before (i was once on chemical dependency, he should know chemical dependency is for life)

Now he says i have a personality disorder thats hysteria, and that all sxs im feeling (phyisical and mental) are psychological and being made by me. He says only therapy can treat me.

I needed someone with age, with good sources, who could rationally email my father or mother and explain to them that benzo wd exists, that im suffering, and that im not hysterical just bc some doc who got me addicted to benzos says i am when he cant deal with what hes done.

Thank you guys in advance, i really think this might work a lot for me..

Re: I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2016, 03:37:45 pm »

[Buddie]

Sorry you aren’t getting support from your family. Must be very frustrating and saddening. I cannot give much advice other than to show your parents everything on this site— the protracted members talk a lot about thier ongoing symptoms so that would be a good start. Have they ever looked at any of the online resources like the ashton manual? Pick out a few success stored written by bb members who suffered for a long time. I was never a sad or depressed person before benzos. I’ve been off of them for nearly 6 months and they still continue to ruin my life. It’s torment and the public, especially our family members, need to know this! You can also join beating benzos on Facebook if you need additional support. There has been many articles written by survivors that aim to educate families affected by benzo withdrawals.

Re: I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2016, 03:43:36 pm »

[Buddie]

Have your parents read this from an addiction doctor in Toronto. Your Brazilian psych should have his license revoked.

http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/benzodiazepine.htm

Re: I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2016, 04:07:28 pm »

[Buddie]

You kindled on the atvain ! Because u all ready had prorated withdrawal and then reinstated that’s why u feel worse . Your brain is like an elephants it remembers the bad pathways from before .
I did the same with only 1 week of zopiclone.

Re: I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2016, 04:34:34 pm »

[Buddie]

What does the therapy entail? I would be inclined to go with it so long as I didn’t have to take any drugs. Make that part of the agreement. At some point you might have to stop swimming against the current. Just bide your time in therapy.

Put the ball back in their court.

At the same time, unless you have life threatening symptoms, I wouldn’t be badgering your physician too much anymore. If you do what most of us do, you’ll go to the doctor and get tested for an ailment. Then you’ll be told the test come back fine. Sometimes they may say, hey you should take xyz medication for this symptom. A classic example of this is beta blockers for tachycardia that some of us get. That might be in your best interest to follow the physicians advice there.

Just stress that if they think therapy is fine, then a good therapist should be able to do this without psych drugs if the patient doesn’t want drugs.

Re: I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2016, 05:51:55 pm »

[Buddie]

I know you are desperate for some help […], but draw upon your own reserves and take the advice of those who posted. We wish for everyone to remain anonymous here on the forum and not share person information such as email addresses.

Try to get your parents to read, there is so much they can learn just by reading.

[…] 

Author studying cult for new exposé?

Re: How Attempts to Distance from the Term Addiction Can Result in Harm
« Reply #40 on: January 16, 2016, 01:31:58 am »

[Buddie]

You know I think everyone needs to keep these three points in mind before they engage with […] any further:

1. She has repeatedly stated she is well.
2. She has repeatedly stated she joined this forum because she believed that healed people were few and far between and she therefore had something to offer.
2. She has repeatedly stated she is writing a book on this very topic.

Therefore, the following conclusions can only be arrived at:

Everything she does and says on this forum is for the purposes of her book. She has made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t care what anyone else’s personal experiences are as long as they don’t align with her thoughts, beliefs and experiences. We are all just a means to an end.

People who are well get on with their lives, they don’t join a forum AFTER they are well. This forum’s primary purpose is for support getting off. Yes a whole lot of other things too.

She is by no means an expert and the advice she is so freely dolling out is not only toxic to me but toxic to everyone else. When she asks questions about you, she isn’t doing it to help you, she is doing it for her book. Opening yourself up to this will prove to be very damaging when you don’t know it’s her motive. She doesn’t care about you that is clear.

So please everyone for your sake stop engaging with her and her nonsense!!

PS – based on everything she has divulged, I question whether or not she ever had a problem with Benzo’s or Opiates to begin with.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2016, 01:37:31 am by [Buddie] »

Five year taper not working out so well

No one respects me.
« on: January 03, 2016, 09:37:09 pm »

[Buddie]

The year is now 2016 so I’ve been tapering for five long hellish and never ending years. Some days so bad where I have to live min by min. Some days were I reach out to people because I fear I’m going to lose it and kill myself. I’m almost done with my taper even though it sure does not look or feel like it to me. I have been awake for 6 days without one wink of sleep. I’ve had insomnia before and I’d get an hour here or there to just have that. I tried many ways to ease it as well This time .. Lord almighty. The best part is that no one seems to care that I’m on the edge and I’m going to lose it. My mom is very knowledgable about the withdrawal process. My father read the books. Hell- if you knew someone that was awake for 6 days without withdrawal wouldn’t you just understand because you know what tired feels like? I live in nyc so it’s never quit but I also live in my parents basement that has no sound barriers. I’m right under the bathroom which is in constant rotation to welcome the 5 other people living in my small house. Today is day 6 of no sleep. I’m seeing blue dots in front of my eyes and I feel so hot when I breath. I don’t know if I’m awake or asleep or where my body and soul are. I will try to go upstairs to be around other things and get food because my room can feel like a prison in purgatory. I talk to my mom to try to see about people just being more considerate and it’s like I’m asking for the impossible. My sister sleeps right across from me and she is 23 and lives the party life. She gets home whenever she feels like it. 3 or 4 or 12noon. I need an hour or more of breathing nightly before I sleep to lower my rage and then I hear her stomping (she does not walk she stomps) through the house. I can hear the break fronts with the dishes tremble and then the door opens and slams and opens and slams. Then her shoes come flying down the stairs and she jumps in bed and bumps the wall all night. My hearing is so good right now I can hear someone breathing 2 rooms away and I’m not exaggerating. So imagine how shot my nerves are! I lay there holding back my rage all night in anticipation to hear her come home and just when I think she is staying out all night and I drift off BANG! Not to mention most of the time she is drunk and when I have to go through her bedroom to use the bathroom I trip over her stuff and get overpowered by some nasty smells of alcohol or pot. The other day I was crying in my bedroom and praying and she heard the whole thing. There were times when people asked me not to cry because it was annoying them and they would yell down the stairs .. I CAN HEAR YOU! Or they would walk to my bedroom to close the door in my face or they would bang on the wall. No one was like hey maybe if I stopped being so inconsiderate she might not cry. But yeah I’m not getting respect. Today is my sisters 18th birthday. I spent all night praying to just get a moment of sleep and the moment I drift off my mom starts cleaning the house for my sisters birthday dinner. The whole week went by and there where days were I was awake upstairs and mentally in check but when I’m down in my bedroom trying to sleep that when everyone has to do it all. My dad has his garage attached to the house and the wall between is thin too. So I spent the better half of an hour listening to his old cars engine turn over and over while my room smelt like gasoline. My dogs will bark for hours on end and I can actually hear people use the bathroom. Anyone can with any range of hearing but I can hear them use the toilet directly over my head. The shower squeaks on and off and on and off and bars of soap and shampoo are dropped that sound like mini bombs going off. iPhone music is on shuffle .. The neighbors kid is well into her 4th hour of screaming her head off while they teach the other kid how to sing and keyboard and then I hear chanting .. Their religious chanting with bells and horns and whistles and tongue clicks. Car alarms and sirens and the traffic on the express way overpass. ….. I think God hates me. Like I’m being dragged through the ultimate test in how far a person can be pushed before snapping. I know in my heart my taper would have been over a very very long time ago if people just saw me and tried in their smallest ways to even do something like take their heels off the hardwood. But I’m not worth it. The part that really gets me is that through all this I’m the bad guy. I’m the miserable angry sick negative being that’s ruined and ruins everyone’s day. I’m the one that needs to smile more and be happy. My mom (parents) blames me for ruining my sisters past 16th birthday party. Does anyone want to know why things happened? Well first off I’m going through what I am. I’m having a fall out with my sisters who had been cruel. I had horrible pms that week. My sister had her 16 the birthday party and there was no one even there .. The day before as a joke or an accident (I’ll never know) my older sister put filthy pencil shavings in my drinking glass and I almost swallowed them. Then they laughed. They LAUGHED! They knew. The birthday girl too. So when the topic came up at her birthday dinner and the laughing started.. I lost my sh*t and I cried and cursed. Then weeks later my father was like so “you think when you sister thinks back at her birthday she’ll think of good memories?” .. “No because you ruined your sisters birthday, admit it […] you managed to ruin it” so me being so tired to my core of hearing it I go “yes dad I did and I’m sorry.” I’ve been to therapists. I’ve talked and talked and talked and wrote and did breathing and everything to try to help me. I tried to talk to them but it’s hard when you ask for someone to admit to their flaws because when I bring up anything to my parents I get to hear about all my past mistakes that I want to keep buried. I get to hear how I was a slob, a loser and how I did things (plus I was trashed from pills so my actions were influenced) I’m 31 and I’m not that person anymore. I don’t appreciate being rehashed into my past hell because no one wants to act like civilized humans trying to live along side one another. It’s so much easier to tell me what I did instead of try to understand. All I ask from you guys is if you’ll pray for me. I have started scratching a hole in my scalp from my nerves and my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my skull and hit the floor. I feel like my body is making its own natural red bull adrenaline drink every hour and I pray that I have the patience to hold on till my next cut. Besides all this I do love my family. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself or anyone else but the fear of losing control and having a seizure or stop breathing is very real for me now. Before Christmas I was in the hospital and on top of ulcerative colitis on top of withdrawal or top of pms they gave me a one time steroid shot. I just want to cry and be held. I want my dead grandmother to come over to me and pick me off my floor and to hold me and say “sweetie. Hold on it’s going to be ok. It’s going to be ok” God I miss her so much everyday. All you guys on this forum. To all if you in your own special hell I think of you all every night. You are my strength.

“Rik’s Story”

If you’ve been unfortunate enough to frequent one of the so-called benzo withdrawal forums over the past few years there is little doubt you’ve run into a predator named “Rik” in one of his many incarnations.  At last tally we counted 46 different screen names Rik used, with 24 of those used at Benzo Buddies alone. Following is small sample of Rik’s more popular names: HopeToBeMeAgain, KonaJim, Razzle, Rik9393, RixRaz, Sail_A_Wai, Sit2KNow, Dr. Rik.

Rik claimed to be a doctor and would offer his services to the poor addicts that populate these forums. He would gain their trust by pretending to be a benzo-wise doctor, obtain telephone numbers and other personal information – next would come the calls/emails and offers of consultation (allegedly for money). We later discovered the suffering Rik was really out on his yacht in the Pacific Northwest.

Continuing the Tradition

It was in the tradition of extending a helping hand through contact made first on the Internet that I met fellow Vancouver residents Rik and Konnie _______ in June of this year. The _______ had just purchased and taken delivery of a 1998 Catalina 22 mkII that the boat’s previous owner had had delivered to them from Arizona. Rik had asked the list some questions about stepping the mast, so I volunteered to come over and give him a hand.

Wow! What a gorgeous boat! Rik and Konnie had bought a time-capsule. The boat is a 1998 wing keel model, with a 1998 8hp Honda, bimini, full cover, stainless steel telescoping mast carrier, mainsail, 150 Genoa, 110 Jib, VHF, Depth Sounder, kick up rudder, dual-axle galvanized trailer, and has only been in the water six times and stored for the last three years.

When I arrived Rik and Konnie had already removed the duct tape and unfortunate sticky residue it left behind, so we were able to set about making sense of all the fittings and wires that hadn’t been put away in a manner most Catalina 22 owners who trailer much would be accustom to. After checking for signs of chafing from the trip up from Arizona, and getting all the shrouds and stays reattached, we raised the mast carrier, walked the mast aft until we could secure it to the mast step, moved to the cabin top, and then swung and lifted the mast into the vertical position. I then went forward and attached the forestay, followed by connecting the two forward shrouds.

The Catalina 22 mkII is suppose to have a “Gin Pole” mast raising system. In fact the hole in the base of the mast was present, and so were the two pad eyes mounted to the tops of the cabin top turning blocks, but the pole and block and tackle wasn’t present, so Rik is going to check with the previous owner to seeing if it is hiding in a garage. I suspect the boom vang could be used in place of the block and tackle, but I’m going to have to see a standard factory gin pole and side cable supports to fully understand this portion of the system.

After get the mast raise, I talked over some of the other aspects of the boat with Rik and Konnie, and then offered to made myself available in the future should they want any additional assistance. The _______ have a beautiful boat, and I look forward to seeing them out on the water.

Following are just a few of Rik’s claims:

  • He was in serious trouble after less than 6 weeks on a very low dose of Xanax.
  • He was in and out of 4 treatment centers, 2 mental hospitals and had more doctors than he could count.
  • He sold a fabulous resort home to rent a small apartment a block from a hospital so he could be close the emergency room.
  • He had absolutely every symptom on the 90,000,000 benzo withdrawal symptom list.
  • He hallucinated often.
  • He was floridy psychotic for months.
  • He tried every holistic and medical treatment known to man.
  • He kept drawers full of failed medicines, natural substances and healing tapes.
  • He went to religious healers of all faiths (perhaps with his best forum friend Flick Rahke – who’s guru was noted deviate Adi Da Samraj).
  • He was so sick he had to hire a live-in caretaker.
  • He bought a pair of regulation police handcuffs to shackle himself to his bed to so he would not commit suicide during the worst days. He used them often.
  • His nights were passed screaming into a pillow, curled up in a fetal position rocking himself.
  • He was only able to sleep 2 hours per night for 2 years.
  • He spent sleepless nights walking – sometimes for 8 hours at a time.
  • He visited the emergency room so often he was on a first name basis with most of the staff.
  • He posed as a doctor and called every major hospital in the United States – holding “rigorous” discussions with the department heads.
  • He spent $5000 on telephone calls to doctors, in search of answers to benzo withdrawal, but found only one doctor who would aid him (and it wasn’t Ashton).
  • His wife chained him to a radiator.

Rik was welcomed to benzowithdrawal.com by the hapless Andrew Bressler. TRAP welcomed Rik. Benzo Island welcomed Rik. Benzo Liberty welcome Rik. At Benzo Buddies, Colin also welcomed Rik – that is until he received dozens of complaints and was forced to ban him or face mass defections.

Note: The Benzo Liberty site is gone (it currently seems to be a home decorating site) but that is the origin of the following story.

Rik’s Story

From: “Rik” <rik9393@e…>
Date: Fri Nov 29, 2002 7:41 am
Subject: My Story

Since I have returned back to the is board I have received several E-mails asking about my background and benzo experience.

I seldom post on this board and actually have tried to distance myself from the entire benzo issue for the last few years. I have received a very strong calling to return to help others out of this life passage and will be working towards establishing the Benzodiazepine Recovery Center later in 2003.

This is my thumbnail background: undergraduate degrees in human sciences and pre-medicine, postgraduate degrees in counseling psychology and chemical addictions and lifelong research and writing on medicine, wholistic health and spiritual paths. In spite of this training a persistent and often severe anxiety disorder caused me to believe the medical lie that benzodiazepines were the answer. My degrees and professional credentials did not prepare me for the damage done by benzodiazepines or provide the knowledge necessary to extract myself from their grasp.

On a very, very low dose of Xanax I was in major trouble within 6 weeks, became severely paradoxical in 12 and went on a years crusade looking for a way to get off without enduring the near seizures I experienced with even minute cuts.

I was in and out of 4 treatment centers, two mental hospitals and more doctors than I can count and at one year was so sick on the drugs I had to hire a live-in caretaker. I eventually left my resort area home and rented a small apartment one block from a major city hospital emergency room and began the self directed 8-month titration down and eventually off. In spite of minute cuts my withdrawal was severe; for over 2 years I had absolutely every symptom on the benzo symptom list and in addition hallucinated often and was outright psychotic for months. I tried EVERY holistic and medical treatment known. I had drawers of failed medicines and natural substances, healing tapes, had been to many religious healers of all faiths in the end a bought a pair of regulation police handcuffs to shackle myself to my bed to so I would not commit suicide during the worst days.

I used them often!

I have been off all medications over 12 years now…in the days I detoxed myself there was no Internet, no support groups and I did not meet another benzo survivor until I was over 3 years off. This was truly my dark night of the soul.

Possibly because of the paradoxical effect I experienced my withdrawal was protracted and severe. I had no windows until around my 5th year. For the first 2 years, 2 hours of sleep were maximum, I would spend the days with endless walking, sometimes up to 8 hours continuously!

My nights were passed screaming into a pillow or curled up in a fetal position rocking myself. I prayed to see the next sunrise and the tiny bit of reality the daylight brought.  I prayed to see the next sunrise and the tiny bit of reality the daylight brought. My body went into breakdown- normal colds and flu’s lasted months, my liver was sick from all the drugs I took to stop the symptoms and I experienced literally hundreds of physical breakdowns due to the stress andlack of sleep. I was on a first name basis with the local ER staff for years.

Fast forward: it has now been over 12 years and I have recovered from the benzo damage and the severe anxiety disorder. My only lingering symptom is stress sensitivity.

Along the way done thousands of hours of research, have charted the blind alleys, failed promises of both medicine and wholistic health and the ignorance of those who should have known. At one point as I began to recover I posed as a doctor and called every major teaching hospital and treatment center in North America and had vigorous discussions with medical department heads.

In over $5,000 in telephone calls I found one doctor who had credible knowledge on benzos…the rest denied the patient case I described (myself) or rigorously supported the use of benzodiazepines. The treatment centers were outright dangerous and extremely misguided…and remain so to this day.

It has been a long, unwanted journey. I have learned much and continue to put the pieces into place. For want ever divine plan it appears I am being called back into service to help others though this passage…understand I am very reluctant. Having survived this, most want to distance ourselves as far as possible from any hint of this time….my emotions are the same!!

I am taking the process of opening a Center for Benzodiazepine Recovery on step at time and allowing it to manifest itself.

In a few words the most healing thing I can impart is that absolutely everyone heals no matter how severe your benzo illness…no one remains in acute withdrawals forever.

Be well
James R. “Rik” _______

http://www.benzoliberty.com/stories/rik.php