Husband wants back on pills after Ashton taper leaves him unable to get off floor

At the risk of incurring the wrath of everyone here...
« on: October 09, 2017, 01:58:31 pm »

[Buddie]

my husband has been benzo free for 4 months and 1 week, and he is considering reinstating!!  :'(  It’s just too much. He feels like he will have an actual breakdown. He is being driven by the intrusive thoughts about his symptoms never getting better. He is lying on the floor all day, hardly able to walk to the bathroom, watching a few benign things on tv (but still on mute), but mostly panicked about his breathing symptoms. He still can’t feel himself breathing -loss of sensation in nostrils/numb nose/feels like nose is blocked/feels like nose is collapsing- and his nose is getting drier still and black chunks are coming off the walls. Really bad air hunger from (seemingly) the incredibly tight muscles in his chest. Throat constriction. This is hell folks.

I know the mantra on this site is to soldier through, but seriously, I had to invoke the Baker Act 5 years ago, and he was put on these benzos after that. He might not make it through this.

I’m sure I’m going to get a slew of “you can’t do it” posts, and “don’t reinstate” posts, but seriously, if you have experience with late reinstatement, or reinstatement that relieved your physical symptoms, I want to hear them. Even if you tell me it relieved it at the time, but you wish you hadn’t because it kindled the next withdrawal, at least tell me that you got some relief initially.

Alternately, if you had similar nose issues, when did they get better for you?

Addict “using substances never intended for human consumption” but blames benzos for brain damage

What else could this be? + update/doubts
« on: March 02, 2017, 08:31:38 am »

[Buddie]

I feel like a walking nuclear power station in meltdown now. I have SO many severe neurological symptoms now that I am starting to doubt it is Benzo related anymore. I’m not saying this is the case for everyone else, but because I was using substances that were never intended for human consumption, and because there are rare neurological conditions such as Neuromyotonia in my family, I am going to tell the doctor today about all of it. I could have been gulping down poison or some kind of chemical neurotoxins for three years, who knows. I am a stupid idiot, I choked down dozens of those shitty blue ‘pellets’ an hour at some points. I did taper, but I had to taper very fast for the dose, with no medical assistance and a bunch of threats.

I also face the stigma that cloaks any kind of addiction, which frightens me because if I do land up being referred on for some investigations, it may cloud people’s judgement and I’ll just be accused of drug seeking again. This also excludes me from any kind of pain management too. I was in bed for a week last month (even more so than usual) with my period. I was delirious from the pain, felt like someone was repeatedly winding me and tearing my insides up with razors, couldn’t even speak or sit up, just yelp and whimper when the pain and buzzing tore through my insides (buzzing moves into my pelvic area when I get my period). All I managed was the odd 10 minute crawl to the bathroom to almost vomit (never did thankfully). If I stood up, I started seeing stars & darkness and started passing out. It was just me and the easily level 10 pain, in a little bubble of whimpering mess. All this is coming again around the 8th, so not long now!!!!. 
Try being an addict and getting any kind of pain addressed, it’s not going to happen, been there, tried it. Nobody will even investigate Endometriosis with me, probably because they think I’m after pain meds.

Another thing that makes me strongly suspect something else may be at play now is my lack of apparently very common psychological sxs like panic, terror, severe anxiety etc. All the info I have dug up suggests these are more prevalent than all the physical sxs combined. I don’t even have the classic one, Insomnia (I have totally the opposite, extreme exhaustion and inability to move). I haven’t read a single report that has been totally devoid of these mental symptoms. Even if I have a ‘window’ that for me only means a lessening of a couple of symptoms for a few hours, my most severe ones like burning skin, pain, neuropathy and internal vibrations never, ever go away. I imagine people with a variety of neurological conditions also have ‘good days’ where some of their sxs lessen, that pattern is not uncommon for any illness or condition, from flu to brain injuries. I think I was in such a fogged, addled state on Benzos that I ignored my deteriorating health and let something creep in. 

I need some form of resolution before this illness brings on the psych sxs I’ve so far escaped. I feel sort of blessed to have escaped the brunt of the psychological aspect of WD, specially given it certainly seems the worst and most distressing part to many people here. A lot of people also seem to be over the physical, which in withdrawal seems far more prevalent in acute than months out, and are now engaged in a mainly mental climb out of this mess. You can to a certain degree negate the mental aspects with many different coping strategies, not to downplay this aspect of withdrawal at ALL so please don’t think that.
I have suffered ongoing mental health issues such as anxiety (which Benzos quadrupled for me!) all my life. I manage these the same way as I always have. No amount of psychological intervention will negate physical illness though, and I am very, very unwell. It feels like my body is rotting, slowly but surely rotting like a zombie in the Walking Dead (I love that show! lol). I am losing not only weight, but muscle mass too, all my muscles are atrophying. I look like a Walking Dead extra too, my skin is ghost white, my eyes look like someone thumbed them three inches into my head, I am a mess. I simply cannot carry on this way, something has to give.

I am seeing the doctor today and I will be telling him about the family history and all my symptoms. I am really wondering if Benzos just opened the door, fried my CNS and allowed something to take hold. I will of course say I noticed all these sxs once I stopped using Benzos, but I must also take into account the fact Benzos may have been covering something up. They may have reduced both the symptoms of such a condition, and my ability to recognize it.

There are factors for me that point to this being far more than just withdrawal now. Some of my symptoms are above and beyond anything I’ve researched on Benzo withdrawal, and some don’t fit the bill at all.

My internal vibrations/tremoring is so severe now that it rules every last second of my life. I can’t stand, sit, walk or anything with any degree of comfort because it quickly turns to numbness and neuropathy if anything makes contact with my body such as a seat or if I lean against something. I have never, ever heard of this being so extreme or prevalent in WD from any drug. This symptom alone feels like it causes many sxs, and if I could get rid if it, I would get rid of them too. I feel like an alcoholic in acute inside. I wish I was in a way, it seems alcoholics have done the DTs in a few days and are basically ok physically a couple of weeks out. I am still very much ready to accept I may have something other than Benzo WD now though. I haven’t touched a Benzo for 5 months, I know I am over acute, but my body is severely damaged. My brain appears to have scraped through and continues to improve all the time, but having a functioning brain in a broken body is the worst thing any human can possibly experience.

I am so sick now I would not be surprised if I am not sent straight up to the hospital for some urgent tests today. My long suffering husband was a couple of weeks ago, because to top all of this off, he has both Cauda Equina Syndrome (neurological spinal condition), he also has a swollen calf muscle from a suspected partial tendon rupture. They had to rule out DVT. He’s had two normal D Dimer tests, so that’s one thing it’s not. I want to help him with this as much as I can but I am bedridden and extremely unwell. Everything is too much now. Many of my ancestors were tortured and killed in German extermination camps during WWII, and somehow many also survived and told their horrendous stories, so maybe, just maybe, if a human being can survive something as atrocious as that, I will survive this?. I am ready to accept the worst though. I have forgotten what it’s like to wake up and feel ‘well’, I don’t even know what ‘well’ is anymore. I get very upset when I see someone jogging or cycling or jumping around, because I can barely lift my arms above my head. I feel like it’s time to ask for something like a mobility scooter or a f*cking wheelchair. Pardon my language but I’ve had enough of my torture chamber body.

I can deal with this very real possibility, even if whatever it is is going to kill me, fine, just tell me what it is because if something’s going to kill me, I want to get acquainted with it first, please don’t shoot me in the back.

Last off, if anyone suggests I ever reinstate, I will give it some serious consideration because I have reached the end of my rope now, out of slack, no more room for movement in my little box.

« Last Edit: March 02, 2017, 09:09:23 am by [Buddie] »

TWELVE PAGES OF SHOWER HYSTERIA

The Benzo Buddies-induced hysteria goes on for TWELVE pages… (yes, twelve pages)

Showering?
« on: September 15, 2016, 06:26:41 pm »

[Buddie]

I’ve seen many posts where folks say they fear showering or dread it. I’m one of those folks. I tense up and am afraid I’ll fall. I totally have a melt down before and during. Is there a physiological reason. Why it’s so scary? Just trying to understand maybe that will help me come to terms with the process. Thanks.

Re: Showering?
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2016, 06:38:33 pm »

[Buddie]

Your central nervous system is raw, and a shower is quite a sensory overload in that situation both in terms of noise and physical sensation. Plus you’re standing up naked, which isn’t anything we normally think about, but leaves people feeling quite exposed when in WD.
I find a bath can be a good and more relaxing alternative.

Re: Showering?
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2016, 06:44:26 pm »

[Buddie]

Interesting. Thank you. I used to take baths but I’m too weak to get in and out of the tub. Thank you.

Benzo Buddies approved taper destroys family

Tapered too soon?
« on: August 07, 2016, 01:34:14 pm »

[Buddie]

So earlier this summer I had posted a bunch about my wife and tapering a little too fast and eventually crashing which led on for weeks. Well, at the end of of all we wound back at her original dose of 2 mg a day of clonazepam. She stabilised, and pride wounded, we went on with life and started talking about tapering again when we thought things were OK enough. A few weeks back she transitioned to milk based titration but held her dose and then slowly we started to taper. Whopping thee days worth taking her from 2 mg to 1.97 and she seems to be OK but then some major life stressors came into play and before we knew it she had completely spiraled out of control. Did we start tapering too soon? Was she just not really stable enough to begin with and extra susceptible to stress and panic? It is so hard to tell but now she is walled up in the bedroom, fetal position, crawling out if her skin. I’m planning to call her doctor on Monday and am resigned he may bump up her dose, at which point we just hold for a while before thinking about titrating again.

I am beside myself. I am statring a new job next week and I know I can’t be so lax with my schedule as to try and be available for my wife when she is like this. Our daughter starts kindergarten right after that and I will have my hands full just taking care of the family. Its nuts, just nuts. Sorry to vent a little.

No addict should be allowed to get behind the wheel and endanger others

Most of the benzodiazepine addicts, that haunt Benzo Buddies and the secret Facebook groups, describe themselves as totally disabled: needing to crawl to the bathroom, experiencing auditory and visual hallucinations, unable to walk (Alee Sun/Ally Nugent claims she needs a walker years off benzos), claims that a single apple causes a night of myoclonic jerking and that a stick of chewing gum can send them into months-long waves, etc. Why should they be allowed to drive? Do you want to share the road with some poor, mentally ill drug addict who thinks Kentucky Fried Chicken is a government plot to poison them?

During their often years-long tapers, they should lose their driving privileges. As many addicts relapse, post-taper they should be subject to random drug testing – as a condition of the taper. This should be enforced by the state and the prescribing doctor.

Society has to be protected from drug abusers who break the law and drive just as we protect it from drunk drivers.

Norway test drivers for BZO
« on: July 13, 2016, 07:05:52 am »

[Buddie]

http://www.aftenbladet.no/nyheter/Dette-apparatet-har-gitt-UP-en-ny-og-skremmende-rekord-for-ruskjoring-3960544.html

OMG, the repercussions this will have to people who have been off the drug for weeks will be jailed/fine for driving under the influence of BZO, unlike a alcohol test this does not measure a percentage, but just the fact its in your system. I can understand this for truck drives, public transport, but to random test drivers for BZO is outrageous. Because of the fact it not measured in percentage to lawfully drive. Someone who has been off the drug will test for weeks and weeks.

Re: Norway test drivers for BZO
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2016, 08:03:35 am »

[Buddie]

This is actually what got my mother to start her tapering! She put her car in the garage and started the day she found out! I imagine that she is not the only one!

Re: Norway test drivers for BZO
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2016, 08:09:27 am »

[Buddie]

http://nhi.no/livsstil/helsetjenesten/diverse/forerkort-og-b-preparater-35928.html
This thread may be useful to see how it actually will effect drivers with the new rules!

Re: Norway test drivers for BZO
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2016, 08:32:06 am »

[Buddie]

Problem is there is no way to detect the percentage of the drug BZO in your system, unlike driving with illegal drugs, which is understandable, BZO will test you positive, even weeks after stopping, So you will be charged with driving as if you took 3 or 4 10 mg doses, make no difference whether or not you stopped weeks ago. The time and money involved to clear you would be enormous, let alone the jail time and fine, maybe you could win in court but that would be a long and expensive road, and for those that cannot afford will suffer the wrath of the judicial system. I really am frustrated people using BZO prescribed are targeted the same as ifusing cocain or crack or any other illegal drug!

Crippling years-long Ashton tapers forcing addicts to decide between a sink bath or continuing to wallow in filth

And why not?...?
« on: June 27, 2016, 02:16:14 pm »

[Buddie]

This is a question that I have learned to ask myself a lot. Let’s face it, we have all been using all of our energy to battle symptoms. And why not… use this energy for something else? Here goes…

1. Put carpet shampoo on just one area of the carpet, let it dry, and vacuum it up? Even if you feel you’re going to fall, you see that you don’t, and in that one moment you smile.

2. Slap a swiffer cloth on the mop and force it around that nasty kitchen floor. Can’t hurt can it? If the spasms in your face get worked up, WEAR EM OUT!

3. Take two sips of the cold Coke you have in the fridge. It might make you stand up straighter.

4. Challenge yourself to unload the dishwasher. It helps with back and arm strength.

5. Talk to yourself out loud. Practice difficult vocabulary to prove to yourself ” if I can say that, I’m o.k.”.

6. Burst out in laughter at yourself. Imagine yourself convulsing over the funniest thing you ever heard. Here’s one : ” He/She is crazier than a FRUIT BAT”! This lets you know if you can laugh, you’re not headed to the E.R.

7. Make your bed. Even if the covers are a tossed up mess (proof you got no sleep last night) it will give you some comfort to try again tonight.

8. Walk out and get the mail . ” I didn’t say read it!”

9. Put on clean clothes. Even if you can only take a sink bath, it makes you feel like a functioning part of society! At least you smell better!

10. Lastly, look at all those little things you did today! Be proud of them IT WILL GIVE YOU CONFIDENCE FOR TOMORROW!

SMILES EVERYONE… YOUR BODY AND MIND WILL FOLLOW! I?

Five year Ashton taper destroys addict’s life

Vent (Not for sensitive)
« on: March 17, 2016, 12:49:57 am »

[Buddie]

*WARNING* Not for sensitive.

Long term user here.

Tapered too fast initially.

Ugh, I need to vent.

Started this mid 2011, daily taper way too fast for my healing rate, did not know it would take more than a year, super sick, bedridden, could barely stand, walk or bath at my worst, all the symptoms listed, on the toilet with sunglasses on, dp/dr, massive sweats, paranoia, nightmares etc etc… the list is long…

Life ruining.

Crashed early 2012, that was when withdrawals became really nasty, I had tapered every day for 7.5 months without holding for a single day and pushed it when I started to feel horrendous… the result was not something I will go into other than to say a week long panic attack was pretty much it, I’ll spare the details… crash happened at 4 mg Valium equivalent.

2012 – 2015

Make VERY little progress, eeked my way down from 4 mg to 2.8 mg.

Every small reduction was awful.

Severe anxiety every time, disconnect and monophobia, FEAR and mental symptoms bad, unable to watch TV etc.

2015 Held for a year as unable to get below 2.8 mg Valium equivalent.

Been holding here ever since, had some respite and for the 9 months of 2015 was able to live life to some degree although had some fog,.. wasn’t perfect but I studied and even flew to the UK alone but with help either end, could not have done that a year prior, I would have needed a wheelchair as I would not have been able to walk the airport terminals as I was too fatigued and weak.

So progress made, right?

Yet now I see the last few mgs are the hardest and I was stressed last month and had a relapse of anxiety, a bad one and now I do not know how the hell I am going to get off the remainder of this drug, I have been at this so long now that withdrawal has become my life and with all the will in the world, I know that it would take me 4 years minimum to taper these last mgs… any faster and I would wind up having a complete nervous breakdown.

I suspect that due to my years on the drug and also the fact I tapered too fast initially, I am now super sensitive to even the tiniest cuts.

I just don’t want to do this any more, I think some people are better off staying on, I see people years out and still suffering, admittedly many fast tapered or went CT but jeez, how long is someone supposed to stick at this???

I’m so, so tired of this now, I have had no quality of life for over 4.5 years and now, when I taper, I can’t tolerate the TV and my anxiety is just ridiculous, I get bad stomach for weeks on end and find it very hard to stabilize and I end up feeling mentally unwell.

It just makes me want to throw in the towel at this point, the duration of this makes me feel this is no longer worth it.

Kooky Monday: Bowel movements added to list of 90,000,000 benzo withdrawal symptoms

Strange spell yesterday
« on: February 15, 2016, 02:11:23 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello Everyone.  It’s been a while since I have been here. I jumped off Ativan 6 months ago. Doing okay for the most part but still getting waves every few days. Fortunately the waves don’t last long but I keep having the oddest symptoms. The most annoying is these intense butterfly sensations in the pit of my stomach. They come out of nowhere when I am having a good day and feeling totally calm and happy. They are shortlived but uncomfortable. I assume it’s just a wave of anxiety. I have been on a beta blocker for 18 months to keep my heart from racing. Heart racing was the reason that I got put on a benzo in the first place. Dr. thought I had an anxiety problem but it turns out that my thyroid was out of wack and I was swinging from hyperthyroid to hypothyroid. I am not on thyroid replacement hormone yet because my hypothyroidism is mild and not causing problems. Anyway had a very strange thing happen yesterday, and sorry if TMI. My tummy was rumbling right before I needed to go to the bathroom for a BM, (I’ve been having constipation) and my heart rate went up a bit. It scared me because that hasn’t happened in while being on the beta blocker. It wasn’t racing like it used to though, but I am used to my pulse being in the low 60’s now because of the beta blocker, so if it gets up to even 80 or 85 it feels like racing. So I went to the bathroom and had a BM and came back and sat down and my heart rate started to go back down, but then I started shivering and trembling like the chills you get with a fever but my body temp was normal. I felt like I was coming down with something. That lasted about 15 minutes and then went away and I was fine the rest of the day. It’s like once I had the BM, everything went to normal. So my question is, did the impending bowel movement trigger this weird spell, or is it benzo withdrawal? Have any of you every experienced anything like this?

Re: Strange spell yesterday
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2016, 04:24:25 pm »

[Buddie]

Anyone? Hoping someone can help shed light on this and ease my mind. Thanks. 

Re: Strange spell yesterday
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2016, 04:35:03 pm »

[Buddie]

Sounds like small panic attacks to me. The gut is where many feel the effects of a panic attack. Hard to say if it’s benzo related or your thyroid causing cortisol swings.

Re: Strange spell yesterday
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2016, 05:27:35 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi DMom,

Maybe your body is readjusting to normal. But gave your body those symptoms while doing so. I too had panic near BM process for a short time a couple weeks back. I think it was withdrawal symptoms for me.

I’m at about 6.5 months from my jump. I’m hypothyroid and am on .075 mcg of levothyroxine. I see an endocrinologist the past couple of months and will continue to do so just to make sure my numbers are good and am on the correct level of meds. In the beginning of withdrawal my body went hypo to hyperthyroid and made things very difficult to deal with.

I had not really had any hunger feelings in my stomach for the longest time until lately. This morning I noticed I was really hungry and I was so happy to feel that sensation! Yay! This whole process really baffles me what our bodies have to go through to get us back to normal.

Glad things have calmed down for you and sounds like you’re getting better!

Cult harpies tell addict nearly unable to walk it’s “just” withdrawal, create a signature

Almost can't walk
« on: January 22, 2016, 11:16:16 pm »

[Buddie]

Sorry to everyone for asking so much about this topic, but it’s driving me crazy and I can’t seem to get help from anyone about it. My doctors keep jerking me around. I’ve had cramping, spasms, soreness, and stiffness in my legs for over 2 weeks now. The right calf is bad enough that it hurts to walk and I can barely extend it all the way. I don’t know what to do to improve this. Should I rest it as much as possible? keep it extended to try to relieve the stiffness and hopefully that will improve the right leg? I’m clueless and nothing I try helps. Hot baths, heating pads, ibuprofen, aleve, tried homeopathic stuff for leg cramps, no luck. I’ve been feeling so sick that I havent been walking much as it is, mostly sitting, so I have no idea if that makes it worse or what but I’m at a loss for what to do.

Re: Almost can't walk
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2016, 11:59:41 pm »

[Buddie]

You don’t have a signature so I’m not sure where your at but leg pains are very common. Many things don’t work except time.