Cult women give up everything to remain in Benzo Buddies

Lost my looks, my body....my life!
« on: November 22, 2020, 08:53:26 pm »

[Buddie]

Of all the horrible symptoms we suffer with each day, physical, mental, emotional….what about all this has done to our outward appearances? I used to take care in how I presented myself to the world. Showered daily, sometimes twice, always did my hair and makeup (not to an extreme, just so I could feel confident), dressed nicely, walked with my head up and a smile for everyone I met. Confident in my ability to go up to strangers and start a conversation and feel respected and liked.

Now, two years later I can’t even shower, let alone take care of my hair, looks, body. This has destroyed everything about my outward appearance. I have gone gray, lost so much hair, the texture of my hair is slimy and sticky feeling (even after washing), have gained so much weight from being immobile, my face is all broken out and greasy and the rest of the skin on my body is dry, peeling and looks so old. My eyes look like someone who’s extremely deranged. They have lost their color, I have bags and they are ALWAYS swollen. My eyes were so bright and blue now they are a dull gray without any spark.

I can’t even look anyone in the eye anymore (and I’m talking about my husband and children, since they are the only ones I see because I am housebound). How can I ever go back out into the world like this even if my brain and physical torture gets better? I don’t have hair that I can just pull back in a ponytail because of the extreme loss and texture. I don’t have skin that looks even one bit okay without foundation on. I don’t have any clothes that fit me anymore because of the extreme weight gain. And I have a closet full of beautiful clothing.

The people who have seen me since this terrible injury happened look at me as if I am a disgrace and the kindness and compliments I used to get, even from strangers, has turned into people treating me like I am a castaway.

How, how can I face the world again like this even if I ever heal? I know there has to be others out here who have lost their appearances too. How do we get our self-confidence back when our appearances have been destroyed?

Re: Lost my looks, my body....my life!
« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2020, 10:00:33 pm »

[Buddie]

I have no idea but I feel the same way. I used to be a runner and a gym fanatic, had amazing hair (I’m a hairdresser) and looked pretty good for my age. Now …. wow. I hope I don’t run into people I used to know because I look like I’ve been in a concentration camp. It’s changed the way I look I doubt I’ll ever go back to how I used to look again. But I’ll take that if it means “feeling” normal again. Because when we feel good, we look good. Well as much as someone who has gone thru a massive life changing trauma can look good! I’m sure burns victims wish for this all the time too. When I get down about it I think of them. And then I stop and I’m just greatful for what I do have. X we have a chance at healing and we just have to keep moving towards that goal x

Benzo Buddies members forced to give away belongings, live like hermits, to remain in cult

Giving away belongings
« on: November 13, 2020, 08:26:44 pm »

[Buddie]

I’ve noticed a few people (e.g. Baylissa) who report that they gave away a lot of their belongings while in withdrawal but have little memory of that time. For me, I’ve noticed the urge to get rid of a lot of my stuff – I think it stems from getting easily overwhelmed and wanting to simplify my life. I actually think it’s a good thing because I live in a small apartment with minimal storage space. Benzo withdrawal is helping me realize what I value most in life and most often that is not material objects. I have way too many clothes and was never able to part with them before, but now it comes easy. I plan to clean out my storage unit this weekend!

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2020, 09:19:51 pm »

[Buddie]

Simplifying my life makes me feel good, when I’m distressed I’ll often pick a closet to clean out. I get a feeling of freedom from the weight of too much stuff and those I donate to can benefit as well.

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2020, 03:35:21 am »

[Buddie]

I am doing the same thing. I have never edited so much. Feels great. Feels free.

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2020, 07:08:34 am »

[Buddie]

I have been doing this too. Feels right to be clearing the junk out while clearing meds out of my body. Also makes me want to cut my hair. 😂

Re: Giving away belongings
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2020, 08:56:49 am »

[Buddie]

I give stuff away all the time but its mostly because I think I’ll never heal or make it through this alive to use them.

Benzo Buddies member paints devastating picture of site, claims Benzo Buddies makes people feel like dying (and some have)

Benzo Buddies is in fact a dangerous place especially for the vulnerable. It is not a support group at all if anything it is a place where people go to commit mental suicide and sometimes actual suicide. I should know I was one of those people. A little bit of backstory: I have been on 3mg alprazolam for over 10 years that is 1mg 3 times a day and I have hit tolerance long ago. It does not do anything to me anymore and I do in fact get interdose withdrawals.

Now not everything that they say is wrong but that is the thing about these places: it has a modicum of truth to support the rest of its crazy. So things like withdrawals, interdose withdrawals, tolerance, dependence, etc. are all very real things but with that said when you add a group of very hyperaware people into a group you are going to have disastrous consequences and this is exactly how it happened to me. Long story short was this, I was going to die.

With my myriad of health problems on top of my mental issues, I had it in my head that there is no way I could put my body through the ringer like these people have done and go through that amount of suffering for that long. If these people who also have mental health problems are basically doing everything short of dying all day every day, what chance does a guy have who was newly diagnosed with congestive heart failure, addison’s disease, diabetes, late stage rheumatism, macular degeneration, asthma, and a low seizure threshold from the meds? Over a period between 28 to 35 my body fell apart with this series of maladies.

My reason for needing to come off of the benzos I had been prescribed was quite simple. I had other deadly issues that I needed to deal with and the combination of meds could be fatal. Similar to taking alcohol and benzos one may potentiate the other or have an adverse affect. I was very scared.

I went to Benzo Buddies because when looking online you see three types of information on benzo withdrawal. You see the “detox” centers that make up about the first 5 pages of a web search like a vulture. Next you will see Benzo Buddies which is almost exclusively the only group for people who talk about benzos at all and lastly you find a few sparse abstracts from studies done on PubMed. There was not a lot of information out there, so I made the dire mistake of joining Benzo Buddies.

From day one I was welcomed. But creepily, I noticed a strange trend. I came into the whole idea of getting off the benzos with a sense of positivity and that left very quickly when I saw the flood of “OMG I WANNA DIE, JESUS SAVE ME NOW” posts. I was startled. I felt sorry for them and then I started reading their stories. Honestly it scared the hell out of me. I mean come on, they have a manual and everything and it seemed they had the market cornered and knew just what to do about it. But no one was getting better unless by better you mean they aren’t killing themselves everyday, which did sometimes happen.

The more I read the more disturbed I became. Out of my many diagnosis one of which is OCD. I couldn’t get the stories out of my head – it was starting to take over my life. Surely thousands of people as a collective cannot be wrong, right? I got very depressed, I began thinking even if I go into a detox program my body could not handle the major sedatives that it would take to ween me off and even if it did I would be in hell. I am agoraphobic and co-dependent. I have not been able to ride ina car or leave my wife’s side for more than a few minutes in years. I would die alone, all alone in some phenobarbitol haze in a run down detox center that was built for opiate addicts and drunks. Pretty much a prison for those in psychological despair and even after that I was told that the withdrawals would last years. I would be in an unbelievable hell for an undefined amount of time and screaming and crying trying just to keep my sanity and in sheer terror and pain.

That is what I was taught at Benzo Buddies. There was no real healing and the further I slipped into the dark the more my brain although suicidally anxious, depressed, and still even then something in my brain kept telling me that this is not adding up.

When I first did research on my benzo (alprazolam) I checked for all the usual things but then the OCD took over. I have called Pfizer’s medical support team to see how it is manufactured I was gathering all the data that I could to combat my ignorance and by the end I found quite a few problems with Benzo Buddies belief in “healing” which just seemed like a place to scare the hell out of others. Here are a few things I learned after doing research, talking to dozens of pharmacists, reading medical journals and abstracts from previous studies and the like.

1. There is no such thing as a stable blood plasma level of benzos in your blood, ever. Depending on what benzo you are taking differing things such as smoking, eating, your age body type, body weight, lifestyle choices ect. All of this is going to change the amount of benzodiazepine in your system every single dosage every single day. Some medicines will make it stronger, some foods weaker. There is no real baseline. So how in the world were these people who are suffering these massive withdrawals having such effects when using water tit-ration and cutting a dose down by 1/300th of the starting dose? If they did not feel the effects of eating too closely to taking a pill or smoking or exercising which can drastically change the amount then why is a 1/300th of a drop affecting them so much?

2. The 1/300th number was not something I pulled out of a hat. Normally people would take the daily dosage, dilute it into 300ml of water and withdraw a certain amount. that should mean that in 300 days your body is cleared of benzos. But how did they factor in for manufacturer’s variances and stop-loss on the process itself? If such small cuts and even micro-tapering with a jewel scale using a nail file is so imperative. Why did they not notice that each pill you throw in your mouth before the taper could have had a +/- 20 percent active ingredient? How did they not feel that from pill to pill it could have varies so greatly but during a taper something as small as .03 is unbearable?

3. What about the people who you do not hear about? Sure, Benzo Buddies has a ton of people but not nearly everyone who has ever been on benzos. “Alprazolam is not only the most commonly prescribed benzodiazepine, but it is the most commonly prescribed psychotropic medication in the United States, accounting for more than 48 million prescriptions dispensed in 2013”. That number is only rising it is now the 11th most prescribed medicine in the world… PERIOD. That is just alprazolam that does not include its other benzo brethren. Now, if it basically had these crushing, debilitating after effects from a biological standpoint we would be in the mist of an epidemic that would be global and there would be so much information on the subject that there would be whole schools of science devoted just to it, but if you do a quick search you find very little. Just rehabs, Benzo Buddies, and a few abstracts.

4. What about the pregnant women, the elderly and the infirmed? These people have to be taken off these meds quickly at a much faster rate than most people on Benzo Buddies who often try over a course of years. What about them? Why are we not hearing en masse about the insanity of people screaming on the sidewalks unable to walk , talk, having massive breakdowns on a huge scale? Why is it so obscure and confined to one group?

5. The GABA idea. Yes when you have brain trauma it needs time to heal but what struck me as being off about the Benzo Buddies idea is the fact that 10-25% of people who are on benzos long term suffer from protracted withdrawal. During this time the brain is “healing” and could take years. But if it truly had a long lasting biological effect shouldn’t it happen to almost everyone who has been on benzos long term? I mean wouldn’t that number be much closer to 90% given that it is altering your brain and that those who do not have protracted withdrawals are actually the black sheep?

6. Everyday pains turn into withdrawal. If you break you arm and you take Vicodin and then 4 hours later you are in excruciating pain are you having a Vicoden withdrawal? No, you are feeling the pain coming back and you need a new dose. When you take away the benzos the same thing happens and it is much, much more noticeable with the shorter acting ones from my experience. You have a bunch of very anxious people, which is they they are taking the meds to start with and are hyperaware suddenly reducing or stopping benzos. Every smell, twinge, tickle, noise, etc suddenly becomes a withdrawal while remaining completely unaware that you felt and noticed all of those things previous to taking benzos and it is just now returning.

Mass hysteria is a powerful force. I have no doubt that these people are suffering but I often wonder if it is needlessly. If they had not had an outer influence telling them of the horrors of what life will be like, the hell they will go through and other needless war stories, how different would it had been? What brought us as a collective to search for a group to share this with? Mainly it is fear and it is fear that permeates Benzo Buddies and throws people into a state of utter dismay. It had me wanting to die and I felt hopeless until I realized that we are looking at just a small fraction of people who have ever taken the medication and not the millions upon millions who are off of it and who do not have to come there to cope. I almost lost my life because of them and that is not support. You never know who is reading nor do you know how desperate they are. To claim to be the pillar of knowledge on the subject to me is dangerous and irresponsible.

I have no doubt that the people there are plagued by anxiety and that what they feel is very very real but I also believe that it is cyclic. I believe it will happen therefore it does. I just hope others, even though scared out of their wits, will notice that seeing all the anxiety of others is not going to help them at all.

Take Care.

http://cesspoolofmadness.com/?page_id=53385#comment-1096983

Kook takes months to work up nerve to post at online Jonestown

My first post on this website after registering some months ago
« on: October 15, 2018, 12:35:13 pm »

[Buddie]

Dear All,

Finally I decided to write my introduction.

I did a cold turkey on June 21st 2018. I vividly remember that day.
Since then I’ve never touched benzos and throw away everything.

The reason for me going CT (which I absolutely discourage) is because, before quitting, I didn’t know what was making me feel the way I felt. Dr/dp, Insomnia, anxiety, almost run into panic attacks, chest pain, fatigue, headache, brain fog, depression, lethargy, and many more..
As soon as I realized that it was because of the benzo I was taking, I quit immediately.

Little did I know, that you should taper.

The benzo I was taking is called Lormatazepam (Minias – Italian brand). I was taking 7 drops (ca. 0.85mg) intermittently. I started to take them once a week, or once every 2 weeks – when I really couldn’t sleep. After 5 months at this pace, I started taking them almost all nights. In what were not even 2 weeks, I reached tolerance.

The 21st of October it will be exactly 4 months that I am benzo free. Even though I am not having all the symptoms that I was having the first 2 months, the struggle is still a lot.
I fell in severe depression, and my headache doesn’t want to leave me! Not even for a second. I still had dr/dp episodes, but not so strong as the first month. Sleep is coming and going in waves. I can see the improvements, but it feels like the road is still sooo long.

Wish me good luck!
Thanks for reading!

D.

Don’t let it happen again: 40th anniversary of Jonestown massacre approaches

Benzo Buddies forces abused member to choose between cult and family

Family Is Fed Up!!!!
« on: August 19, 2018, 09:16:29 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m the caregiver for my elderly parents. Today they said they’ve had enough of my debilitating symptoms and that I’m choosing to be this way. That I need to see a psychiatrist because they can’t take it anymore. It’s been 2 yrs. and NOTHING is better. Which is true. I don’t know what to do. This is destroying my family. I have no siblings. I tried to explain.

F4m

Re: Family Is Fed Up!!!!
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2018, 09:50:00 pm »

[Buddie]

I can so relate!

Re: Family Is Fed Up!!!!
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2018, 09:54:26 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m devastated. It’s my own fault for taking the medication no one forced me.

F4M

Re: Family Is Fed Up!!!!
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2018, 10:10:20 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on August 19, 2018, 09:54:26 pm
I’m devastated. It’s my own fault for taking the medication no one forced me.

F4M

You didn’t know… None of us knew.

Re: Family Is Fed Up!!!!
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2018, 10:34:30 pm »

[Buddie]

Now, I have to pay the price. It’s been a nightmare and it keeps getting worse. I’m losing everyone I love. I either have to go back on or lose my life. It’s that real.

F4m

Re: Family Is Fed Up!!!!
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2018, 10:34:56 pm »

[Buddie]

Your parents are fed up? Doesn’t sound like they appreciate what you are trying to do. Can you let them go find their own help? I am sorry but your priority needs to be YOU right now and they could be preventing you from healing. Bye Bye Mom and Dad! That is what I would do. Sorry.

One day we will read of a Benzo Buddies member committing a mass shooting

Threw a tantrum like a little kid humiliated
« on: February 14, 2018, 03:59:03 am »

[Buddie]

I don’t know why but looking back just now I realized I threw somewhat of a tantrum when I was at a facility well it was called a facility bit it was terrible. Now I feel so embarrassed I don’t know why I did that I was so pissed and scared at the time I thought they were trying to keep me there. I was just cold turkeyed just before maybe that’s had something to do with it

Re: Threw a tantrum like a little kid humiliated
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2018, 05:34:20 am »

[Buddie]

It would […]. :tickedoff:

I was sitting on a very crowded and cramped bus stop about 3 weeks ago and it was really hot.  The bus had those air brake things, and as each bus arrived and departed the air brakes made a horrible hissing, squealing sound.

I kept enduring until I just screamed at the final bus and told it to shut the F up.  Everyone looked at me.  Aarrgghh.

I was so embarrassed but did apologise to those around who looked at me strangely.  I never do stuff like that, it just overcame me.

I was in early WD and my apology was accepted.

It gets better.

Dee  :smitten:

Re: Threw a tantrum like a little kid humiliated
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2018, 11:30:15 pm »

[Buddie]

Vyea I just got into a big fight with my dad and I told him off he asked to help and I told him no and he kept going. And I started a fight with him and cursed him out I don’t feel to bad about it I’ve walked on eggshells a lot and it felt good to say f-u to him
« Last Edit: February 16, 2018, 11:40:26 pm by [Buddie] »