Kook takes months to work up nerve to post at online Jonestown

My first post on this website after registering some months ago
« on: October 15, 2018, 12:35:13 pm »

[Buddie]

Dear All,

Finally I decided to write my introduction.

I did a cold turkey on June 21st 2018. I vividly remember that day.
Since then I’ve never touched benzos and throw away everything.

The reason for me going CT (which I absolutely discourage) is because, before quitting, I didn’t know what was making me feel the way I felt. Dr/dp, Insomnia, anxiety, almost run into panic attacks, chest pain, fatigue, headache, brain fog, depression, lethargy, and many more..
As soon as I realized that it was because of the benzo I was taking, I quit immediately.

Little did I know, that you should taper.

The benzo I was taking is called Lormatazepam (Minias – Italian brand). I was taking 7 drops (ca. 0.85mg) intermittently. I started to take them once a week, or once every 2 weeks – when I really couldn’t sleep. After 5 months at this pace, I started taking them almost all nights. In what were not even 2 weeks, I reached tolerance.

The 21st of October it will be exactly 4 months that I am benzo free. Even though I am not having all the symptoms that I was having the first 2 months, the struggle is still a lot.
I fell in severe depression, and my headache doesn’t want to leave me! Not even for a second. I still had dr/dp episodes, but not so strong as the first month. Sleep is coming and going in waves. I can see the improvements, but it feels like the road is still sooo long.

Wish me good luck!
Thanks for reading!

D.

Benzo Buddies failure: 33 months off and worse than ever

33 months off updates
« on: September 27, 2018, 12:29:48 am »

[Buddie]

Hi BB

TODAY I completed my 33 month off paxil cold turkey, still suffering hard
My symptoms
– anxiety
– depression
– mental fog and bad cognitive skills
– no emotions
– insomnia
– senstive to all stress situations even small things
– anger and hate
– irritation
– low self esteem
– vision and hearing issues
– neirve pain
– fatigue
– cant work out
– intrusive thoughts
– negative emotions
– fear

I thought I would be finished by now but it seems a long road to take, I cannot live my life as normal people do. I hope this ends soon.

Re: 33 months off updates
« Reply #1 on: September 27, 2018, 01:16:39 am »

[Buddie]

Congrats on the milestone, although you probably don’t feel very celebratory.

Did you taper off of benzos too?

“One day I’d take 2mg, another day I wouldn’t take, another day I’d take 20MG!”

Forced Cold Turkey
« on: July 25, 2018, 01:26:09 am »

[Buddie]

I’m about to start a “forced” cold turkey tomorrow. I’ve been on Klonopin for 5 years. First 2 years – 2~4mg. The rest of the years I just abused it: One day I’d take 2mg, another day I wouldn’t take, another day I’d take 20MG! So I have been like this for 3 years. The thing is that I live on Brazil, there aren’t “street pills”. Unless you’re rich (which is not my case) you can’t go to a doctor a ask to tapper. I’ve tried to CT on K a lot of times… failed. But I’m not giving up, I’m just afraid of what it can brings me: hallucinations, seizures, coma, etc. Anyone has ever been on something similar?

Thanks.

Welcome to Benzo Buddies. Welcome to Hell.

Two years in acute detox. Welcome to hell.
« on: March 15, 2018, 07:25:21 am »

[Buddie]

Thank you for reading. I […] my story will instill a sense of […] and encourage the reader. I AM the “hey at least I’m not that guy.”

I am 18 months off of Valium and 11 months sober. I took 20-30mg of Valium for one year. I tapered over 1.5 years to freedom.
My sobriety date is March 9th 2017 (the day I cold turkeyed suboxone)
I am a 28 year old male from California. I am a professional athlete who had 5 years off heroin/oxycodone from november 2009-January1st 2015

Part 1. Purgatory. A dissent.
January 2015. I began a Valium taper after 20-30mg a day habit for one year.
Began 600mg of Gabapentin 300mg three times daily.
February 2016. At 7mg of Valium holding for a total of 90 days.
During which time I injured myself. I fell down 40ft of steep concrete 3x (*athlete).
Prescribed oxycodone for one month. (Fractured heel, dislocated shoulder, concussion, rib damage, two fingernails ripped off and a lot of deep disgusting road rash)
Switched to Methadone.

Part 2. Cruel and Unusual. Methadone. A different kind of monster. February-June of 2016.
I had Kaiser at the time. Dr. “Devil” we will call him was overseeing my Valium taper.
The Methadone clinic wrote down I was a “five year user of oxycodone”. I told them I was five years clean. I told the intake nurse, the doctor, the receptionist, EVERYONE, multiple times I used oxycodone for 30 days and was 5 years CLEAN.
They tested me in at the highest level allowed to start. They jumped me to 72 and proceeded raised me to 100 in the quickest way legally allowed in California. I told them I wanted to do 21 day taper. Doctor said, “that doesn’t work. We need to stabalize you on a high dose and taper you down.”
Holding at 10mg Valium. Dr. Devil has no idea I quit the oxycodone and attempted a 21 days taper at methadone clinic.

At 100mg I began to die. Literally. Having only been on Oxycodone a month, 100 units of methadone while ON Valium should have killed me.
I was vomiting on a regular basis (from being OVERDOSED), I turned grey, was having heart palpitations, sleeping all the time, and woke up every night with my skin ON FIRE drenched in sweat and vomiting violently until 445am in line to dose at 5am.
While seeing the nurse one day at clinic I was screaming at her saying the methadone was killing me and I didn’t understand why I was on such a high dose only being on oxy for thirty days.
She reviewed my notes and said,”It says here you were on Oxycodone for five years. I SCREAMED,” What have you done! I was five years clean literally over and over and dove for the paperwork. A male counselor ran in and tackled me as I screamed and cried hysterically “You’ve killed me. I am going to die repeteadly.”
I requested documentation and planned to sue.

Part 3- The Methadone Mafia.
I booked an appointment immediately with Dr. Devil at Kaiser. I told him everything that had happened. *****I also told him I planned to sue the Methadone clinic for mall practice. A guaranteed win I thought****(remember this detail)
With terror in his countenance he exclaimed,”You can’t be on methadone and valium! You could drop dead at any moment! I need you to authorize the Methadone clinic to send over your paperwork immediately so I can help you.”

The methadone clinic was the enemy. I stormed in to the clinic, demanded my paperwork, and told them they were getting sued.
They wouldn’t give it to me. I cried “HIPPA” its my right! They stalled for as long as legally possible. During which time the owner of the Clinic wanted to meet me.
She was polite, and attractive. Her father a drug czar featured in magazines. She asked what was going on? I told her everything. She teared up apologizing. I didn’t care. They would burn for this. I told her to send my paperwork to Kaiser ASAP.
I remember this like it was yesterday. Her face went cold, looking down. Drawing a deep breath, gathering her composure, carefully raising her eyes to meet mine she spoke as she slowly exhaled,”I don’t trust this doctor devil. I think he has something planned. I have a bad feeling about this. Are you sure?”
“Of course!” I yelled. I was not to be fooled. The methadone clinic was the antagonist of this story. Kaiser is my private healthcare afterall!
“Okay, I’ll do it.”

Part 4- Breaking Doctor Patient Confidentiality. Betrayal and a death sentence rendered by Dr. Devil of Kaiser Permanente.
I called Doctor Devil to set up my next appointment and said I finally got them to send my paperwork.
I could not get an appointment and I was running out of Valium. It was like he was ducking me.
I finally got ahold of his nurse. She promised he would help me and got me an appointment and got me an appointment that week.

I showed up. The nurse called me back. I walk in to the doctors office eager to tell of my plans to sue the Methadone clinic. I was full of […]. Dr Devil is sitting across from me. To my left his nurse/assistant is standing against the wall looking horrificly scared and nervous. Next to her is an armed security guard staring at me.
I look back at doctor devil and ask what the hell is going on? Why is a security guard with a freaking gun in here? Why does your nurse look like she just walked halfway through watching the exorcist? (I literally said this)
Dr. Devil proceeded to say he was there to “protect ME” (Seriously).
He began to speak in a tone I had never heard. He spoke down to me like a second class citizen. A junkie. Scum.
He said that he was cutting me off the valium. He would provide one last script and I was to taper off 10mg with one script.
I asked about having a seizure or dying. He said the gabapentin would prevent seizure. He then said the armed security guard would take me to the pharmacy. He would not be liable for someone on methadone and valium at the same time. Kaiser would not allow it.

Part 5-Hell awaits.
I go back to the methadone clinic. They would let me dose but the methadone clinic owner demanded to see me.
She was right. Dr. Devil screwed me. This next part is VERY important.
She proceeded to tell me that Dr. Devil had “Told her over the phone I was actually serious on planning to sue the methadone clinic, was obtaining a lawyer, and seeking litigation.” She asked, “Is this true.”
Dr. Devil broke Doctor Patient Confidentiality. This is a capital offense for doctors. Guaranteed loss of silence, being sued successfully, and potential jail time.
I was in utter shock and disbelief. I said it was true.
It’s not legal to drop someone off methadone cold turkey from 100. But they could drop me 10 units a week (Your supposed to drop 2 units a week)
So it began. Fearing for my life I asked Kaiser to get me into detox. I was done, defeated, and ready to turn myself in to the care of medical proffesionals fearing for my life.
I was told no detox would allow me in until I reached a MINIMUM of 30 units. Modern medicine was not capable of treating anything higher safely.
A death sentence.
I have one scrip of Valium to taper off.
I was to be rapid tapered of Methadone.
I could only deduce one possibility.
A cruel and unusual death awaits me.

Part 6- WELCOME TO HELL-Rapid tapering Valium and Methadone at the same time.
The methadone clinic violated more laws never giving me my paperwork (HIPPA)
Kaiser and the clinic were sweeping me under the rug.
I tapered off methadone 100, 90, 80, 70, 60. 50. 40, 30, 7 days apart.
I tapered down to 7mg of valium while doing this.
I will not go into detail of the horror of this. I simply can’t put words to it.ng.
I’m dead.”

I hit the magic number, 30 on June 27th 2016.
I coud take no more. I was so far past done. Kaiser said I would get a sleep medication and clonidine for withdrawal. I remember thinking one thi
Part 7-Suicide

********The rest of the story deleted because my login timed out. Will finish tomorow.**************
« Last Edit: March 15, 2018, 08:06:26 am by [Buddie] »

Ashton tapers turning people into addicts?

Becoming more addicted with taper plan
« on: April 07, 2017, 01:08:02 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello!

I have recently startet a taper plan after getting adviced that my original plan by going cold turkey was not the smartest idea.

As i have not made a sig yet ill quickly explain what dose ive been on previously and for what period:
Been on Valium for about 1 year, I do not however take it everyday, on average I have been taking it 5-6 days a week.
My doses for the past 4 months has varied between 15-35mg the days I have taken it (I have only taken it based on what I feel I need when I would experience social anxiety). I have also been on Valium in the past, then on smaller doses (max 10-15mg) and maximum 3 months time. I have cold turkey then without any problems.

Four days ago I started a taper plan with 10mg a day, (2,5mg in morning, 2,5mg afternoon, and 5mg night). Prior to this I was going cold turkey for about 9 days with two “rescue doses” in total of that period, first one being 10mg and 2nd being 15mg, so 25mg total in those 9 days.
I have not experienced any side effects with my taper plan so far, except for slighty “cloudy mind”.

My problem with the taper plan however is that I more and more feel like I am building up a much bigger addiction to the drug with my taper plan as I now know I absolutely need to take it to certain times, and it was not like this before at all, where i would just take it based on my actual needs. Now I know that when I wake up I will need to take a dose, around dinner time ill take another dose and before going to bed ill take a third dose. I truly feel like I am getting alot more addicted to the drug than I have been before, and I am really afraid that this is going to make it alot harder to quit it.

Does anyone have any suggestion to what I could do in my situation to make it better not worse?

Ashton tapers cause melting face

Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« on: June 07, 2016, 02:52:54 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello everyone:

I don’t know if right place to post and i hesitate to do so but I’ve had severe physical symptoms and am looking to see if anyone else has experienced this where it has gone away or at least gotten better…. the ones most distressing and pure torture and where I […] can’t do this anymore are:

Muscle contractions and spasms in forehead …above eyebrows and in between eyebrows….. You can visibly see the muscles move and go up and down back and forth…. Pure pure utter torment ( the worst pain you can imagine)

Eyes involuntarily close shut and squeeze and jerk for seconds moments at a time

Nerves underneath left eye especially, jump upwards, shake ,vibrate and pull and cramp like crazy (and also inside of eye) sometimes staying in a locked position

Jaw involuntarily jerks back and forth from left to right; teeth grinding into each other, sometimes clenches really tight

The muscles in my lips will contract and pull from left to right and also tick …sometimes they will spasm where the muscles in my my lips are making my mouth pull all the way to the left
The muscles in my bottom lip will actually pull my bottom lip inside out and downwards and will pull and contract and vibrate

Sometimes its so severe on my left side that the forehead eyes jaw and mouth will all contract at once..TORTURE and pain.

I actually have to wear tape on my face to minimize the movement and pain

My chin also spasms up and down

These are sobad at times I have to put athletic like tape under my eyes and forehead to minimize the pain.and movement.

None of my mouth movements are so much as grimacing as they are more like muscles […] spasming and contracting out of control….

I am so desperate for encouragement as I can no longer bear it….. As you can imagine I have been housebound for 14 months …..I could never go out in public this way…. It is hideous…

The hopelessness and despair are off the charts…. I have the most severe health anxiety a person could ever have….my heart constantly feels like its going to jump out of my chest

I wish I had the ability to be of more encouragement and help to others because that is exactly what I would be doing but I can’t even help myself… I feel so alone with all of this…

If someone can be kind enough to give me some hope and encouragement or ideas of what I could to. I rarely if ever get relief….. I am on the verge of having a breakdown from all the symptoms…….
This has devestated my life…. I can’t sustain this…

thank you to anyone who has read and can sympathize…..

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2016, 03:24:01 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi, I too had many strange and disturbing muscle symptoms. These will go away once you’re off and well into healing. This is from the Ashton Manual:

Benzodiazepines are efficient muscle relaxants and are used clinically for spastic conditions ranging from spinal cord disease or injury to the excruciating muscle spasms of tetanus or rabies. It is therefore not surprising that their discontinuation after long-term use is associated with a rebound increase in muscle tension. This rebound accounts for many of the symptoms observed in benzodiazepine withdrawal. Muscle stiffness affecting the limbs, back, neck and jaw are commonly reported, and the constant muscle tension probably accounts for the muscle pains which have a similar distribution. Headaches are usually of the “tension headache” type, due to contraction of muscles at the back of the neck, scalp and forehead – often described as a “tight band around the head”. Pain in the jaw and teeth is probably due to involuntary jaw clenching, which often occurs unconsciously during sleep.

At the same time, the nerves to the muscles are hyperexcitable, leading to tremor, tics, jerks, spasm and twitching, and jumping at the smallest stimulus. All this constant activity contributes to a feeling of fatigue and weakness (“jelly-legs”). In addition, the muscles, especially the small muscles of the eye, are not well co-ordinated, which may lead to blurred or double vision or even eyelid spasms (blepharospasm).

None of these symptoms is harmful, and they need not be a cause of worry once they are understood. The muscle pain and stiffness is actually little different from what is regarded as normal after an unaccustomed bout of exercise, and would be positively expected, even by a well-trained athlete, after running a marathon.

There are many measures that will alleviate these symptoms, such as muscle stretching exercises as taught in most gyms, moderate exercise, hot baths, massage and general relaxation exercises. Such measures may give only temporary relief at first, but if practised regularly can speed the recovery of normal muscle tone – which will eventually occur spontaneously.

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2016, 03:39:34 pm »

[Buddie]

Bless your heart […] for responding….. I truly mean it from the core of my being….I didn’t think anyone would because normally people don’t respond to my symptoms which is why I usually don’t post them… It […] creates more fear from the lack of responses…. I keep thinking someone somewhere would be able to give me a life raft or […] the tiniest glimmer of hope…

Because this is my second time around my despair has overtaken me……

Thank you […]…

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2016, 04:14:49 pm »

[Buddie]

Anyone else please? any words of encouragement would be so appreciated…. Please keep me going….

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2016, 04:23:59 pm »

[Buddie]

Hey there. I’m very new to this however, I have had some of the issues you’re talking about in your post. You’re soooooo not alone. I had a pretty traumatic experience as well, and lets say it still affects me every minute of every day.

Here’s what has helped take that ‘edge’ off. My spouse got me some lavender bath salts. Put them in the tub, sat me down in the tub, and turned the water on as warm as I could tolerate. I soaked for over 2 hours. I was doing this a couple times a day. […] breathing deep while soaking. Like really deep. I was trying to push my belly out of the water deep breathing.

It didn’t ‘cure’ anything, but it really did take that final ‘edge’ off and really helped. It kept me focused on breathing and staying still and it felt good. Again, i’m super new here, and new to all these issues, but when i’m at that ‘point’, i do the bath thing, and it keeps me ‘afloat’ for a good solid hour or 2. Hang in there.

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2016, 04:35:06 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on June 07, 2016, 04:23:59 pm
Hey there. I’m very new to this however, I have had some of the issues you’re talking about in your post. You’re soooooo not alone. I had a pretty traumatic experience as well, and lets say it still affects me every minute of every day.

Here’s what has helped take that ‘edge’ off. My spouse got me some lavender bath salts. Put them in the tub, sat me down in the tub, and turned the water on as warm as I could tolerate. I soaked for over 2 hours. I was doing this a couple times a day. […] breathing deep while soaking. Like really deep. I was trying to push my belly out of the water deep breathing.

It didn’t ‘cure’ anything, but it really did take that final ‘edge’ off and really helped. It kept me focused on breathing and staying still and it felt good. Again, i’m super new here, and new to all these issues, but when i’m at that ‘point’, i do the bath thing, and it keeps me ‘afloat’ for a good solid hour or 2. Hang in there.

Oh my gosh! You mean you’ve experienced some of these symptoms?!?! Thank you for the bath tip so much…. I’m […] feeling I can’t endure no matter what I tried because it feels so permanent and its been going on so long….

If you don’t mind me asking when did it start and for how long….. I’m crying so much right now because someone responded to me.. Thank you […]……

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2016, 04:45:10 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on June 07, 2016, 04:35:06 pm
If you don’t mind me asking when did it start and for how long….. I’m crying so much right now because someone responded to me.. Thank you […]……

Honestly the, what I called ticks, lasted a few weeks. It wasn’t fun. I thought I was literally going insane, and that I had caused permanent damage. The majority of the ticks faded with time, but I still have one… One that more bugs me rather than hurts or makes me feel crummy. My ear drum feels like it’s constantly popping in and out at such a slow pace, that i can literally fell it popping like a muscle twitch. Geez it’s annoying. I’ll pray for ya that this’ll clear up. I found solace that with time, some of my symptoms faded. Some are still roaring… but none of the symptoms you posted about up there are still persistent in me at least.

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2016, 05:11:53 pm »

[Buddie]

I do empathize with you. The aim must be difficult. Even though I don’t have those symptoms I do have bad amxiety. I did have jolts through my body and occasional
twitches but not so much anymore. For me the insomnia makes me anxious and dizzy so sometimes I loose my balance but haven’t fallen yet. You will get through this. The brain needs time to heal itself. You will triumph.

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2016, 05:15:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello pbh,
I am so sorry to hear about your symptoms. I’ve had a real problem with grinding my teeth. I almost always chew a toothpick and that helps. Sugarless gum also helps. Maybe that would help your jaw clinching and teeth grinding? Maybe try massaging your face, temples with your fingers gently. I’ve used a hot rice pack on my forehead for relaxation. You will get better. I […] wanted to respond even if I am of little help. […] to offer some encouragement. ??

Re: Does anyone have or had this? Please Respond...so Desperate
« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2016, 05:38:56 pm »

[Buddie]

Every single person that has responded thank you so much and you have helped me….. I appreciate it very much…..The fear is still so ever present that this is permanent….. My facial symptoms have increased slowly over time and I’ve been dealing with this now for 15 months (maybe it is time to see a real doctor, not a Benzo Buddies doctor – editor) at varying intensities at different times of the day….

That is why I become so frantic and utterly hopeless…..dealing with this for so long and going thru another taper is more then I can bear…. I don’t think I can survive ….