I owe you nothing. I’m not the cause of suicide. I’m the cause of revolution so be afraid of that! I threaten your blood-stained paycheck and ur sense of superiority. Aggressive “mental health” bullies employed or hypnotized, u r the problem and I’m here to fix it. Call me karma
— End Psychiatry (@EndPsychiatry) December 26, 2017
This anxiety is intense. « on: December 15, 2017, 10:59:41 am »
It’s like nothing I have ever felt before.. It’s like being stuck in the middle of a panic attack, but while being somewhat calm. Foggy mind, but disassociative fearful thoughts are completely ripping my focus away from reality and forcing me to put all of my attention on things that I normally wouldn’t be this afraid of. It’s almost like constantly being startled and tunnel visioning on a man with a gun aimed at you, except it’s all happening for no reason. My mind is just shooting forceful terrifying thoughts at me and they override any of my thoughts, completely disrupting my thought process.
Seems like adrenaline dumps, because suddenly I am overwhelmed with a feeling of panic, like I’m about to go crazy.. It immediately gets hard to breathe and I feel like I’m going to pass out.. But it leaves almost as quickly as it came, leaving me with tremors in my stomach and legs.
All of this just seems to happen totally unprovoked and without cause. I can’t help but worry that something neurological might be wrong with me, because I feel so spaced out and unable to think or control my thoughts. It makes me feel like I’m losing it.
Anyone else had this?
Feel crazy « on: December 09, 2017, 06:23:32 pm »
That is it. I feel confused and loopy. Dumbfounded and cloudy. Like I might be on the verge of going insane. Are these normal mental symptoms?
i am back « on: December 08, 2017, 11:43:15 am »
my earlier id was vineet2 and i had joined in 2012. i have reached the half way mark in my benzo taper (details in signature). i left this forum and had my id deleted in around sep ’17 after an altercation with moderators.
for the last one month i have been going through a crisis. the crisis started in this thread when i made a blunder understanding a basic concept in mathematics and kept insisting i was right for about ten pages of that thread (ten pages of BB is equivalent to an eternity in the existence of the universe). when i realized i was wrong, i fell like a pack of cards. i revisited a lot of math and science in wikipedia to perhaps atone for my sin. every day after that was spent learning new things, feeling further humbled by my ignorance, getting further confused about my capacity to reason, asking more questions about the nature of reality and existence, till i was convinced that each and every decision i had taken in my life had been wrong (including leaving this forum). this went on and on till i was not sure if i was going through a benzo withdrawal or an existential crisis. i became immobilized and fearful of taking any decision. the only perplexing thing about my state was that i was not depressed; yet it was so hard for me to determine if i was in withdrawal or not.
i have now come out of the crisis. i think i am wiser and chastened. i do not hate myself anymore. i do not consider anything i said or wrote earlier wrong and i do not look back at my past actions with revulsion. i am not afraid to take decisions now. i am in the process of overcoming fear too: a fear that has dominated my life. i am now not afraid of the my worst fear — finding myself in an infinite strange loop or the train station, mobil, in the movie matrix. each and everything in the universe is yin and yang. the answer to the question why is there something instead of nothing? is same as the question we could ask of the fair coin, why did you toss heads instead of tails? the question we ask of the fair coin has no answer. but every time the coin is tossed, it has to exercise free-will and choose one of two 0.5 probability events. choose it must. ultimately the sequence will normalize and there will be as many heads as tails and perhaps then the question will be answered or become redundant.
i had to face this crisis when i am exactly at the 50% mark of my taper. (i resumed taper last night.)
free-will is very important. we have to keep tossing and choosing to demonstrate we are still alive. no choice is also a choice — thus there is no escaping choosing. the normal distribution is also important. all of us collectively and individually form the/a distribution. at any time, you can either see the distribution or the coin toss but not both. we are the coin and the pattern. yin cannot exist without yang. science, reason and logic cannot exist without eastern mysticism (the tenets of which i find myself repeating now). instinct and reason — both are important. there is no one way to live life. nobody can tell you what to choose, H or T. there is no spiritual guru who can teach you how to live. now i understand why eastern mysticism says that the true path cannot be shown — it can only be experienced. the only way to live life is by trusting yourself and having confidence in your ability to choose. i now do not fear choosing because i know i will never regret having made a choice. i might go through more withdrawal till i reach 0 mg librium or maybe i am already going through withdrawal — but i am more accepting of my condition now for it might be that my distribution is normalizing.
apologies for using probability to describe things above. i do not claim to be mathematical above and i hope you will excuse my transgression as poetic license or poetic misuse.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2017, 01:32:02 pm by [Buddie] »
Re: i am back « Reply #1 on: December 08, 2017, 02:34:47 pm »
eastern mysticism tells you the conclusion but it does not tell you how to get to the conclusion.
western science tells you how to get to the conclusion but it never seems to get to the conclusion.
east has existed as the opposite of west in the frame of reference called the human civilization.
if my life is a sequence of 0s from birth to death then i can ask how at all was my life a purely random sequence? the same question is probably being asked by the person whose life was a sequence of 1s. the life of mankind normalized though.
i am neither using pure logic nor pure mysticism to illustrate. i am using bullshitism which is probably a bit of both.
today i am happy after almost a month. life & the universe are indeed beautiful and the two are inseparable! i love music again!
i never loved animals — dogs, cats. i love animals now!
mother teresa was god. and i never realized this. and i lived in kolkata all my life. OMG!
« Last Edit: December 08, 2017, 02:53:35 pm by [Buddie] »
Re: i am back « Reply #2 on: December 08, 2017, 05:10:29 pm »
[warning – 100% bovine bullshit ahead]
at infinity, mother teresa will win and hitler will lose. the first conscious moral decision i made was that i cannot stand injustice. even if i may be inventing my past, my blood boils when i see injustice and i know this is what must have been my first conscious choice. it is possible that at infinity, hitler and i, both may die. but that is acceptable to me for my goal is not to live but to make sure hitler does not live. i must get back to life. i have work to do.
Dealing with loss of income/job:
Here’s a message for everyone who has lost their job due to benzo withdrawal syndrome.
I ran into a guy I used to work with at a previous company from a few years ago. Here’s how the conversation went:
He said “Are you still working at (company)?”
I said “no, I’m still unemployed“.
He said “Really? What do you do all day?”
This was a question I wasn’t prepared for and at first I panicked and thought to myself “oh my God, what DO I do all day”? Then…it dawned on me…I’m fighting a secret battle to save my mind and my very soul. I spend all my energy researching this horrible curse, interacting with others who are going through the same thing and experimenting with the right diet and supplements to restore some form of normalcy to my life. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am probably working harder than I ever have in my entire life 24/7 just to keep myself from going insane. And a wave of calmness came over me and all of a sudden I felt proud of myself for fighting the toughest battle I’ve ever faced.
This is our “job” now! Fighting Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome. And that is something all of us should be proud of. I don’t know many people that could endure so much physical and emotional pain, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt and anger all at once and still get up every day.
So I answered his question by simply saying “I’m working on something big”. And that answer was the truth, in fact, it was an understatement.
I just want everyone to give themselves a pat on the back for fighting this battle every second of the day and winning. This is our new job as far as I’m concerned. And it’s the hardest one we will ever have.
Hope this post helps everyone to feel good about themselves tonight and show yourself some compassion and love. You have all earned it.
Peace and love to all!