Addicted, not dependent

Just accept that you're an addict
« on: May 01, 2020, 10:17:11 am »

[Buddie]

Edit: I have made changes to this. There’s lots of good valid points on this website.

Throughout this withdrawal process, now that I’m 10 months in, I ask myself daily am I a drug addict or not? So these are the points that I told myself.

For starters, the non drug addict in me, the one that wants to not be labeled a drug addict, tells myself this. The doctor told me I had an anxiety condition at 17 years old and instructed me to take medication for it. So I took the medication as prescribed and sometimes even less. I didn’t like the way the medication felt, and I didn’t want to have to take anything but felt it was medically necessary. I actually went to detox against my doctor’s advice so that I can get off of them a couple years later. And I always had extras left over.

As for the drug addict in me, the one that my doctor’s and family and everybody is telling me that I am, it’s a different story. I had really bad anxiety so I wanted something that would make me feel calm right away, and only benzos did that. I would always go to a good doctor that was willing to prescribe large amounts because I needed large amounts.

When I went to the doctor, I would constantly say I have horrible anxiety even if it wasn’t that bad, I think I was being my own dramatic worst enemy. I always carry them around in a pill container, even after getting in trouble for it multiple times with the law. I took them everywhere I went. I thought about them all day long everyday because I knew they were in my pocket and if something got bad, I would take one. I didn’t take them more than prescribed, but I still took a lot.

Later on in life, living in Florida, they diagnosed me with essential tremor, so I no longer went to outpatient therapy or treatment. I just got my pills once every 6 months. So I had endless pills at home and I would make sure I refilled them early every month so that I would have extras. I would stockpile them and I would get happy that I had extras.

Later on, I was screwing around all day long in Colorado and smoking medical marijuana and taking my Valium, only to end up homeless. For the longest time, I thought it was everybody else’s fault. Looking back, it’s my life and I had the choice to take whatever I wanted but ended up on the street. And now I’m going through severe withdrawal.

If I had just taken them for a couple weeks like they suggested at the same time every day, and then quit without thinking about it and had really bad symptoms for a long time, I don’t think it would be an addiction problem.

So this is why I think I’m also a drug addict on top of having a physical dependency at this point, because when I look back at my life, it was really screwed up because of pills. Nobody forced me to take them. I knew that it was the pills messing things up but I couldn’t stop anyways. Yes it was because of the horrible withdrawal, but psychologically I needed help to do it.

There’s many people saying I’m not a drug addict because I took them as prescribed, well lots of people take things as prescribed and end up addicted. I think it’s just the bad reputation it gets and that’s why people don’t like to be called that.

So half of me wants to say yes I’m a drug addict and I take responsibility for it, but I still have that other side of me saying hey you didn’t do anything wrong it was prescribed and they told you to take it all day everyday for 20 years regardless of ending up on the street and in hospitals and jails and stuff like that.

And now that I’m 10 months out, I don’t really care if I’m a drug addict or not because it doesn’t change my situation or my symptoms or even the way that my doctor looks at me, because she thinks I’m a drug addict in the first place.

And then you have the fact where almost everybody thinks you’re a drug addict anyways, and if you argue with them, you just look stupid. Like it’s almost better just to say yeah I was addicted and I’m having a hard time and maybe they would help you out more.

However that can also go wrong, like with my family over the last couple months, when I was facing eviction, they were sitting there calling me a drug addict telling me I needed to go to recovery and I kept saying, I don’t have a problem, it was my choice to get off of them and they were prescribed. So they would tell me, I think you do have a problem and we’re not paying for a place to live because it’s your life and you’re a grown-up.

Now another thing to consider, I’m getting housing with Trillium the mental health company. And they are telling me recovery is possible from both mental health and substance abuse. So they’re not labeling me anything, they’re just saying you can recover from either. So basically we have mental health problems temporarily until we get better. It’s not meant to be permanent housing. So it doesn’t matter which category you’re in, they help you anyways.

Where the problem is, is with Social Security a few months back. They told me I was not entitled to disability benefits because I might have problems because of substances. That’s what the judge said, even though I was prescribed benzos for anxiety condition, he said he thought the medicine contributed to my problems. When clearly I already had the problems and that’s why I was taking the medication. That really pissed me off.

So there’s lots of things to consider, judges telling me I have substance abuse problem, family thinking I’m a drug addict, mostly everybody from the older generation saying I’m a drug addict. The newer generation says well it’s prescribed they can’t tell you that, almost like it’s a court case or something. So if you get really technical, things get really confusing.

But in my case, I’m pretty sure I had both physical dependency and an addiction problem. I mean if you’re sitting around counting your pills every month towards the end and thinking about them all day and how you feel all the time, and fearing running out again because you might end up homeless again, and always making sure the doctor prescribes as many as possible, you probably have an addiction problem.

I guess with benzos and prescribed opiates, if it’s prescribed, it’s one of those things you don’t want to admit that it’s addiction, and it’s not for everybody, but I don’t know anybody that doesn’t like them. So maybe people need to stop judging and it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Maybe they should just say if it’s prescribed it’s not a big deal.

The problem with prescribed or not, nurses in hospitals don’t care if it’s prescribed and whenever you go to a new doctor, they don’t care if it’s prescribed or not either. Each person is going to make their own judgment call.

And right now, I have my medical doctor saying it’s a brain injury but that I also have an addiction I’m recovering from, so it’s both. My pharmacist says well you probably were addicted but it was prescribed and you were taking it correctly so I kept feeling it. My family says well you were probably addicted but it was prescribed for 20 years for a reason, so it’s not a big deal. Everything is finally falling into place which is great.

But I will always look back at all of this and I will never forget the judge saying that the pills contributed to my mental health even though it was to help it, and I will never forget people judging me during a time when it was all about money and they were using addiction as an excuse not to help.

And throughout life, half of the people you talk to are going to say it’s a diction and half are going to say the doctors gave you a brain injury. So you might as well just accept whatever people think and go with it. What’s it going to hurt? Who cares, you don’t have to worry about doctors anymore. But I completely get it, it’s not good to be labeled a pill seeker and drug addict. I was even labeled a pill Seeker for asking for my propanolol at the State Hospital.

Was I seeking pills? Well technically, yes. I was asking for my prescription and they wrote it in my chart. Was it okay? No it wasn’t okay at all. They needed to give me my damn meds. Anyways, moving on, that’s my opinion at least.

I’m both a recovering prescription drug addict, as well as somebody that’s been damaged by doctors and Genentech, because it was their fault. That’s why they need to pay for all the damage they did.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2020, 02:51:39 pm by [Buddie] »

Benzo Buddies members drink booze, snort ketamine to deal with failed benzo tapers

Alcohol setback
« on: July 20, 2019, 06:21:46 pm »

[Buddie]

Drank some beer about two weeks ago, and a few hours later I started to feel this weird electric feeling in my chest and my sleep got way worse. Over the next few days I started having all sorts of weird physical sensations. It felt like electricity was surging through my body, my skin was burning, and I had this weird electric butterflies in my stomach type feeling. Horrible anxiety set in, I started to feel like I was losing my mind, and my sleep got worse and worse. The anxiety has faded pretty much entirely and I’m having less of the weird bodily sensations, but my sleep SUCKS now. I’m getting 1-2 hours a night. I was doing so much better before I drank. I felt like I was finally turning a big corner. I was mostly getting 4-6 hours of sleep a night, sometimes a bit more, without taking anything to help me sleep.

I’m 13.5 months off, and am pretty concerned about this lack of sleep. It’s like I’m back to where I was at the start of my withdrawal with sleep.
Anybody else experienced something similar?

Re: Alcohol setback
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2019, 06:39:11 pm »

[Buddie]

Oops I meant to post this in the post withdrawal recovery support section

Re: Alcohol setback
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2019, 07:41:32 pm »

[Buddie]

I am sure one of the mods or admins will move it soon. How much beer did you drink?

Re: Alcohol setback
« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2019, 07:51:05 pm »

[Buddie]

Only one tall glass of beer. This is crazy.

Re: Alcohol setback
« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2019, 08:38:35 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on July 20, 2019, 06:39:11 pm
Oops I meant to post this in the post withdrawal recovery support section

I’ll move this over to the Post Withdrawal Support Board! :thumbsup:

Re: Alcohol setback
« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2019, 08:42:41 pm »

[Buddie]

Drinking alcoholic beverages tends to be a highly charged topic here. For some, perhaps many people, drinking can cause a return of withdrawal symptoms. Others may be able to tolerate it fine.

I’ll just share my personal experience. I am not a big drinker, just a glass of wine on occasion and a mixed drink even less often. However, I did not drink anything, not one sip, until I was completely healed. Even then, I didn’t have a drink right away, it took some time.

I’ve been recovered for many years now and do enjoy a glass of wine or a mixed drink at times with no ill effects. Everyone is different in this regard. Personally, I would not rush into beer again if you had a negative reaction.

[…] 🙂

Re: Alcohol setback
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2019, 09:20:51 pm »

[Buddie]

I had one small glass of wine after many weeks of feeling better. I then had many weeks of feeling worse! And it happened pretty immediately. No more alcohol for me.

Re: Alcohol setback
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2019, 01:09:30 am »

[Buddie]

Two beers set me back for a month. Still not where I was prior to the beers. Im alcohol free for the foreseeable future.

Re: Alcohol setback
« Reply #8 on: July 21, 2019, 01:14:23 am »

[Buddie]

I experimented with drinking wine a year off my taper. First 1/4 glass, then 1/2 glass, then a whole glass. 3 oz. No problems. So now I drink a glass of wine a couple of times a week.

But everyone is different. How alcohol will affect us is a crap shoot imo. I would definitely wait awhile before trying beer again. And then maybe a small glass.

Hope your sleep improves.

[…]

Re: Alcohol setback
« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2019, 10:37:53 am »

[Buddie]

4 months after finishing a long benzo taper, I slammed 5.5 beers within a two hour period or less. I had to pour out the rest of the 6th beer after realizing that I messed myself up. I was back in acute for several weeks but recovered after a solid month or so. It’s been 18 months since I touched alcohol. I’ve messed with small quantities from tinctures though without any ill effects. I suspect I can have a few drinks if I wanted to now but I just wrapped up tapering some other stuff. I’m thinking by the new year I can drink in moderation hopefully, assuming things work out for me. If I’m ever in a situation where I’m stuck with a bunch of people drinking and I can’t, snorting ketamine helps me get through it, and I don’t feel like I’m missing out so much. Alcohol should be consumed in moderation anyways. I can never go back to binge drinking anyways, which may lead back to benzos. I distinctly recall starting to take benzos to cope with hangovers in the beginning.

Re: Alcohol setback
« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2019, 10:53:20 am »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on July 21, 2019, 10:37:53 am
4 months after finishing a long benzo taper, I slammed 5.5 beers within a two hour period or less. I had to pour out the rest of the 6th beer after realizing that I messed myself up. I was back in acute for several weeks but recovered after a solid month or so. It’s been 18 months since I touched alcohol. I’ve messed with small quantities from tinctures though without any ill effects. I suspect I can have a few drinks if I wanted to now but I just wrapped up tapering some other stuff. I’m thinking by the new year I can drink in moderation hopefully, assuming things work out for me. If I’m ever in a situation where I’m stuck with a bunch of people drinking and I can’t, snorting ketamine helps me get through it, and I don’t feel like I’m missing out so much. Alcohol should be consumed in moderation anyways. I can never go back to binge drinking anyways, which may lead back to benzos. I distinctly recall starting to take benzos to cope with hangovers in the beginning.

I think you should stop snorting Ketamine.

Benzo Buddies: Advice from naturopath quacks is good, advice from medical doctors is bad

Has any one healed even though they used Valarian Root at night?
« on: April 07, 2018, 05:04:23 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m just wondering if anyone has healed or made progress even though they used Valarian Root?

Re: Has any one healed even though they used Valarian Root at night?
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2018, 05:15:27 pm »

[Buddie]

I drank Sleepytime tea extra which has plenty of Valerian Root in it for many months. I stopped because I like chamomile extract […] – that was about four months ago. I don’t remember any correlation of having trouble with any of it.

Re: Has any one healed even though they used Valarian Root at night?
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2018, 05:29:18 pm »

[Buddie]

Ok thanks I can’t feel any emotions and the naturopath suggested I take a capsule with some of these things in it. He said I should still heal cause it’s not the same as taking drugs. It’s hard for me to tell if it’s slowing healing down cause my symptom is the same everyday no matter what I do.

Addict turns benzo taper into lifelong career

Feel like I completely screwed myself and now feel hopeless
« on: November 20, 2017, 10:07:02 pm »

[Buddie]

I can’t help but feel like my failed Valium crossover and then all of the one off updoses that I very stupidly took to help me sleep have completely screwed me up. I’ve never felt so physically sick or mentally off. It’s unbearable I’m bed ridden and absolutely overwhelmed with terror and irrational thoughts 24/7. I don’t know what to do anymore I think I kindled myself so badly. I just wanted relief. This is my history:

Last year I did a daily liquid microtaper from February until November. I would liquefy one of my .5 mg tablets in 100 mL’s of milk and take our 1.2 mL’s a day until it was gone. So I got down to 1.5 mg’s around November of last year when I was slammed with symptoms/side effects and after seeking advice I decided to updose to 2 and then ultimately reinstate back at 2.5. This did not stabilize me at all and I wish more than anything I had just held at 1.5. In May of this year I had a failed Valium crossover. I then went back to 2.5 and tried a dry cut going extremely slow and only got from 2.5 to 2.375 cutting at a little less than 5% but I felt so terrible that I again went back to 2.5 and actually tried going to 3 mg’s for six days to see if I could get relief and did not so I then went back to 2.5 which is where I am now and have been for a few months with occasional 5 mg Valium updoses mixed in.

Addict goes doctor shopping

Just a little rant against Doctors
« on: September 25, 2017, 07:50:51 pm »

[Buddie]

So I wasn’t sure where else to put this, but just wanted to get it off my chest. I went to see my 2nd p-doc within the last month in order to attempt to obtain a legitimate prescription to valium for the purposes of tapering. Also was looking for a script to remeron, since my sleep is still pretty bad even after reinstating. I made the mistake of mentioning tapering down, and switching over from the klonopin that I had previously been on. Big mistake. In the US, doctors just don’t get it. He actually said “well if there’s an addiction, we need to stop the benzos. You’ll feel a little anxiety for a few days, but then you’ll be ok” Lol. He then said but if you have GAD, and valium or klonopin seem to work for you, then we can go that route. I immediately said yes, I think I’ve have GAD. You see, docs just don’t want to get involved in the whole tapering business. It’s messy. I’m not sure if they’re completely ignorant to protracted WD, or if they just don’t want to get involved in a tapering schedule. With them, everything HAS to have a diagnosis. And if it’s benzo dependancy (addiction or not), than they are apparently almost never willing to write a script to taper. Because if it’s dependance, the solution is to get off the drug right NOW, find some other diagnosis, and put you on some other med that probably won’t help, and will likely make things worse. Long story short.. I get ONE WEEKS supply of valium and remeron, and have to go back in a week (another $150) to re-evaluate. I’m just going to stick to my GAD diagnosis and taper on my own. Hopefully he will trust me enough to change the visits to once a month.

Here is the real kicker: In the whole visit, he offered me gabapentin, paxil, effexor, anafranil (which I’d be willing to retry at some point b/c it of positive past with it). And the most outrageous of all.. He actually offered me buprenorphine (Suboxone) to help treat DEPRESSION!! Are you kidding me?? I was trying to be as personable and friendly as I could, so I just said “hmmm.. I haven’t been on opiates in about 8 months. That might have made a little more sense if I made the transition back then, but at this point, I’m not sure what the benefit would be?”. Come to find out, their have actually been clinical trials using buprenophine for depression, and it’s soon going to be a new depression treatment! What’s next? Oxycodone for depresssion? It makes you feel good, right? Anyway, he just refused to believe or accept that I’m trying to allow my brain to slowly recover from years of addictive psychotropic drugs. And that it takes time. But that’s just not how they think. It can’t last that long, they say. There must be some underlying condition that needs to be treated with a new drug. That’ll fix it. Sigh. Western medicine.. I guess that’s how they stay in business.

Lack of medication causes panic attack

Re: Health Anxiety
« Reply #391 on: April 10, 2017, 07:16:03 am »

[Buddie]

Hey […] .. here’s one to bring a smile to your face.. sad thing is it is all true ! This is even better than the smiling at yourself in the mirror each morning to see if you had had a stroke..!
Anyhow last night I woke up in the night and got up to go to the bathroom and noticed blood on the pillowcase… not a lot but enough to be scary on a white pillowcase , right where my mouth had been … could feel the fear just rush through me.. what on earth .. my mouth felt kind of sore , could it be a new type of stroke?? I had a small paper cut just at the side of my mouth that is taking a long time to heal.. I figure in the light of day I must have scratched it and it has bled a little.. added to that ,reflux and you have a messy pillowslip.. oh no , could I be that logical in the middle of the night ?? Not on your life.. I was bleeding internally , I was bleeding from an artery in my nose somewhere.. oh my goodness… funny now as I tell it but you can bet it wasn’t funny in the night … the sight of blood always scares the daylights out of me…. health anxiety in the extreme ….xx

RESCUE DOSE HELL

F*ing Rescue Dose
« on: April 08, 2017, 01:24:49 pm »

[Buddie]

The past week since CT has been going pretty well considering…up until 2 nights ago. My husband surprised me with a 3rd year wedding anniversary to the beach. Getting out of my environment was great as well as the sun and sand.

HOWEVER, first night I get hit with insomnia for the first time since tapering/CT. Falling asleep wasn’t the issue, but I woke up at 3:30 AM and for the life of me, could not go back to sleep.

Same thing last night…fell asleep about midnight to wake up at 3:30 AM and lay here trying everything to go back to sleep…fail. Then once I got up, the nausea hit, upset bowels, pouring sweat, then freezing…body temp back and forth totally crazy. Unfortunately, I still had my pills in my purse and broke down and took a rescue dose for the first time. I am SO disappointed. Maybe if I weren’t on this trip, I could’ve rode it out. But I don’t want to ruin the trip.

What’s strange is the rescue dose did nothing for relief and actually seemed to amp up the sweating/chills/freezing body temp symptoms. Why would it have the reverse effect like that?

First question: “How do I find a doctor (who will give me benzos)? I fucking love them!”

My first question to everyone...
« on: February 26, 2017, 08:24:34 pm »

[Buddie]

How do I find a doctor that will taper me over a long period of time. All three tapers I have tried were between 1 and 3 months. And they all resulted badly, severe depression and anxiety along with cognitive effects and pain.
It seems like every doctor knows how to prescribe Benzos and I can’t find one to taper me off them without crashing me.
3mg clonazapam for 17 years. Was great for the first year and the years after just got worse and worse. It has changed me for the worse in so many ways.