Benzo Buddies cult members wallow in filth ridden benzo-homes in pursuit of eternal taper

My home is one big mess
« on: February 28, 2018, 10:30:33 am »

[Buddie]

I’m really ashamed, but that’s the truth. I don`t usually like this, but I can`t clean. I live alone.

Is it just me who has this, how are you? Do you have any tips?

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2018, 11:31:01 am »

[Buddie]

Hey […]-

I too had this the first 6 months or so when I was in acute phase. I am normally a very tidy person. I have always like things organized & put in place. I was in such bad condition that I was not physically able to do ANYTHING. I literally sat in my chair with laptop or lay in bed for 6 months. It actually may have been longer (I would have to go read my journal but I still am not able to go back & look though that journal PTSD issues :( ) Anyhow,  I do remember at the time telling myself “it is ok, you can deal with this later”.  So I lived in squalor for all that time because I truly had NO one to help me. So just tell yourself that “it is ok & that you will deal with it later when you are better able to cope”. That is all you need to do… :thumbsup:  :smitten:

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2018, 11:49:01 am »

[Buddie]

My house is also much more messy than before because I have less energy and I need to save it for the essential. It’s a benzo-home 

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2018, 11:57:21 am »

[Buddie]

Same as you guys, it was on of the first things to go south. I think it began due to the mental anxiety of the unknown road ahead, I would find myself needing to be distracted positively and not doing things like house work. Then I could not lift a finger without my heart racing and suffering symptoms as I cleaned.

Ironically, I feel soooo much better if the place is clean though 

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2018, 01:14:00 pm »

[Buddie]

I was keeping up until the valium sedated me so badly. Now, unfortunately it has gotten away from me. My husband does quite a bit but he works all week as well. oh well, it will be here when I feel better again. We’ll tackle it then. I am predicting a lot of stuff that has needed to be thrown away will get thrown away then 

Re: My home is one big mess
 « Reply #5 on: February 28, 2018, 02:01:32 pm »

[Buddie]

The worst part is when my friends come with my food, they have to wait in the doorway, I don`t want to let anyone in. It feels so bad! But maybe I can clean tomorrow? No….

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2018, 02:08:55 pm »

[Buddie]

I have been messy for a while now, and I really think benzo brain is to blame. I mean, even back when I was still taking them, as prescribed, I had a hard time managing and keeping things clean. I stopped caring what others think about my mess a while ago. I’ll let people in. You would be surprised how many people have times where their places or someone they know is so messy. My old landlady used to come once a month and clean my house with me. That was always so much easier to have someone else to clean with.

I had a cleaning person for a little while, but I think I was too friendly with her, because I felt like she was taking advantage of me. She would mop all the floors and then dump the buckets in the bathttub and leave a giant muddy mess in my bathtub and all my floors would be sopping wet. Then when I asked her to dry the floors she would come up with weird excuses. In fact, she had a ton of excuses. One time I asked her to clean the oven and she told me a whole sob story about how she was chemically burned from oven cleaner. It was so annoying cause she could have cleaned the oven with just regular soap and water, instead of just taking up all that time to tell me the story.

Oh I am very talkative today.

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2018, 04:22:46 pm »

[Buddie]

Whenever I go into rough patch, my place is an absolute mess. I’m embarrassed about it, but my OCD thoughts about recovery are so overwhelming that I lose sight of connecting with the normal part of myself. Once I get over the hurdle, then I start cleaning again. But then I get into another rough patch. This has been going on for years, and I see no way of it ending until I start feeling really well.

You’re not alone, believe me!!

Re: My home is one big mess
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2018, 05:49:56 pm »

[Buddie]

My entire life is in disarray because of this. And it isn’t that I lack the physical ability to do something about it, it is because my organizational skills are so bad that if I move things around I have a very hard time finding them again. The lack of motivation to do anything productive is the icing on the cake. Those two things make it very difficult for me to keep everything clean and organized.

Ashton taper leaves addict paralyzed

struggling to leave my room any adive or input would be helpful
« on: November 15, 2017, 03:46:47 pm »

[Buddie]

ive only been leaving my room for bathroom n shower n to eat n do landry other then those small thing ive spent the better part of the last 5 weeks just laying in bed all day watching movies or tv on my laptop !! monday i got out of the house for about 2 hours just to do some things in the yard n had two attacks while i was outside im on 1.625mg of ativan daily the window started slowly closing on me this summer and has pretty much shut me in my room where i keep all light out so it pitch black n i feel some what at ease still have attacks once a day or more but some days our good days and i dont have any ! has anyone been in this position before ? if so how do i over come it ? i need to be able to atleast get out side cut my grass take the trash out ect !! im in a pretty lucky situation im 31 with no kids or a job and my mom lets me live here for free n pays what little bills i have but i used to do all kinds of remodling projects for her and painting and yard projects but now i cant even cut the grass and input would be very helpful i have everything i need to start a titration but the alcohol to disolve the ativan but havent started because of fear n the situation im in

Shocking real life taper apartment

The above apartment was used for a years-long, failed Valium taper. After a grueling 1600 day micro-taper, directed by online kooks, the addict relapsed on diazepam. He since has been checked (5150’d) into a mental hospital where he is getting needed professional medical help. Shame on the people who let this poor unfortunate suffer in such squalor.

Ashton tapers cause agoraphobia

Missed Appointments
« on: January 13, 2017, 01:23:25 pm »

[Buddie]

Uhhh, I’m kicking myself this morning as I canceled another Psych appointment. It’s an hour drive and I’ve been panicking all night. I have no one to take me but I’m too sick and scared to leave the house. I hope she understands and refills my meds without issue. It seems like when this happens she punishes me by calling all my meds in late or makes me wait out the weekend. Lucky I save rescue pills.

Why can’t we have Skype Dr. appointments when all I’m going there for is prescription refills and no physical exam. It’s so hard to make these appointments. Not just because of the agoraphobia but also the anxiety build up to going. I just can’t make plans because I agonize over them.

Anyone else miss too many appointments Because of anxiety?

Cult superstar Perseverance called to account for fear-mongering

PERSEVERANCE: WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH IN YOUR POSTS?
« on: July 15, 2016, 02:05:25 pm »

[Buddie]

Assuming these posts aren’t a cut & paste patchwork of various research data obtained from the many resources that exist in cyberspace, I do admire you and appreciate the time and painstaking analysis involved in contributing to the BB.org information collective…

…unfortunately, I find the essence of many posts to be discouraging, disheartening, and offering little to no hope to those severely debilitated and crippled from the hellacious symptomatology of iatrogenic illness, as it exists in benzodiazepine withdrawal.

Words such as “permanent;” “irreversible;” and “learning deficit,” inspire hopelessness, fear, and a deep-seated sense of despair and anguish that isn’t easily resolved or relinquished; in fact, often thrusting the reader into a downward spiral, deeper into the abyss.

The scholarly, didactic verbiage that is necessary and inseparable from professional clinical trial and research writing format, further confuses and exacerbates the reader’s fragile psychological state.

For example:
“In rats given benzodiazepines chronically, the common α 1 γ2 sub-units are down-regulated, while rarer sub-units are elevated proportionately (Holt et al, 1999). It is suggested that transcription of the Gene cluster on Chromosome 5 (which encodes for α1 β2 γ2 sub-units) is inhibited on chronic benzodiazepine administration, while the transcription of the Gene cluster on Chromosome 15 is upregulated (Holt et al, 1999). In certain brain regions, the Chromosome-5-encoded receptor sub-unit proteins are replaced by those encoded in Chromosome 15, which show less sensitivity.” (4)

This excerpt is quite esoteric in nature and would require the highest level of comprehension and routine familiarity found mostly in researchers with PhD’s (not practitioners).

The one thing I’ve learned in neurology is that few things are conclusive or certain. BWS is severely under-researched and much is not fully understood by the medical community.

One question I continually ask myself since joining BB.org is, “How many people have I inadvertently hurt through bad advice?”

If for every 500 I helped, but hurt 1, I would cease to interact any further, simply because it’s not my call to make in weighing human wellness, health, and life.

Five year Ashton taper destroys addict’s life

Vent (Not for sensitive)
« on: March 17, 2016, 12:49:57 am »

[Buddie]

*WARNING* Not for sensitive.

Long term user here.

Tapered too fast initially.

Ugh, I need to vent.

Started this mid 2011, daily taper way too fast for my healing rate, did not know it would take more than a year, super sick, bedridden, could barely stand, walk or bath at my worst, all the symptoms listed, on the toilet with sunglasses on, dp/dr, massive sweats, paranoia, nightmares etc etc… the list is long…

Life ruining.

Crashed early 2012, that was when withdrawals became really nasty, I had tapered every day for 7.5 months without holding for a single day and pushed it when I started to feel horrendous… the result was not something I will go into other than to say a week long panic attack was pretty much it, I’ll spare the details… crash happened at 4 mg Valium equivalent.

2012 – 2015

Make VERY little progress, eeked my way down from 4 mg to 2.8 mg.

Every small reduction was awful.

Severe anxiety every time, disconnect and monophobia, FEAR and mental symptoms bad, unable to watch TV etc.

2015 Held for a year as unable to get below 2.8 mg Valium equivalent.

Been holding here ever since, had some respite and for the 9 months of 2015 was able to live life to some degree although had some fog,.. wasn’t perfect but I studied and even flew to the UK alone but with help either end, could not have done that a year prior, I would have needed a wheelchair as I would not have been able to walk the airport terminals as I was too fatigued and weak.

So progress made, right?

Yet now I see the last few mgs are the hardest and I was stressed last month and had a relapse of anxiety, a bad one and now I do not know how the hell I am going to get off the remainder of this drug, I have been at this so long now that withdrawal has become my life and with all the will in the world, I know that it would take me 4 years minimum to taper these last mgs… any faster and I would wind up having a complete nervous breakdown.

I suspect that due to my years on the drug and also the fact I tapered too fast initially, I am now super sensitive to even the tiniest cuts.

I just don’t want to do this any more, I think some people are better off staying on, I see people years out and still suffering, admittedly many fast tapered or went CT but jeez, how long is someone supposed to stick at this???

I’m so, so tired of this now, I have had no quality of life for over 4.5 years and now, when I taper, I can’t tolerate the TV and my anxiety is just ridiculous, I get bad stomach for weeks on end and find it very hard to stabilize and I end up feeling mentally unwell.

It just makes me want to throw in the towel at this point, the duration of this makes me feel this is no longer worth it.

Benzo Buddies addiction and cyberchondria are dangerous to your health: “I’ve lost my youth because of Google”

The pitfalls of the internet, and the vast information available.
« on: February 20, 2016, 03:41:55 pm »

[Buddie]

Members old and new remember that the mind is a powerful thing, and you can create worry and obsession – from viewing the forum every once in a while to every hour of the day. From Googling symptoms and self diagnosis… For example I used zopiclone for 8 years with zero issues until I googled long term use and came to a result about cancer, now it’s a daily obsession, every pain in my body, ie back pain, is a tumor or something.

Avoid self diagnosis and being given information (informed or misinformed) and only take advice from a doctor. I have a lot of medical knowledge, an AWFUL lot, and I still manage to convince myself I’m ill every day. If you take anything from the groups or websites make sure it’s ONLY support and friendship, DO NOT allow yourself to believe you may also have a symptom another member is having or something you’ve Googled.

Because your body is 100% individual to you, as is your situation… Don’t do what I did, I spent 10 years in the house without going outside saying “I’m going to die” I’ve lost my youth because of Google.

Don’t lose your future too.

Quote from: [Buddie] on February 07, 2016, 04:02:18 am
I think a lot of people get freaked out by so many horror stories and that this ramps up anxiety and wd sxs.

There have to be more people reading these posts that are doing alright. I am and I had years on a high dose of Xanax.      

Sure if you feel something, and others do too, then obviously you can gain a lot of support from people going through the same thing. But remember that because someone else is going through an issue, don’t allow yourself to assume you will too.

This is especially true for stuff like seizures, I see MANY people who have read online about seizures and are scared to reduce because of it! But before they read this information seizures were the LAST THING on their mind.

Now they won’t taper because of it.

Recently (yesterday), I reinstated a double dose of zopiclone of 15mg because I was told by a NUMBER of members that I was in massive withdrawal from dropping from 15mg to 7.5mg within 3 days, and that I was I quote “going crazy” the damage has been done and I’ve now reinstated at 15mg and have to start ALL OVER AGAIN to reduced.

And I was doing SO WELL.

BUT I’m not going to take 15mg again, screw those members. AND this is my point, they don’t know me, my body, or drugs, or the affects it will have on anybody’s body.

Now ironically, I too have done this, but in the opposite way, trying to rationalise some of the symptoms people feel.

In the same way doctors try and convince me I DON’T have cancer or anything else, and I can’t be convinced. So I guess a lot of members are so tied into their beliefs like I am with my issues that when someone says “Hey it might not be that” that you completely dismiss it.

Which is what I do also.

Anyway, the point is, NEW MEMBERS don’t have that same mindset, but its easily created… and when I joined this forum I was a new member with no issues… Then members educated me on what I should be feeling –

If you’re a member reading this, just remember to use this place for support and friendships. Not for diagnosis, and don’t tell other members that they should be in withdrawal or interdose withdrawal or that they “CAN EXPECT THIS” (YES I’VE SEEN THAT)

“I’m tapering _____” “You can expect to feel anxiety, not sleeping” etc etc

I was so shocked when I seen this, it was a while ago, and then the member lost her shit and was clearly upset.

Most people are here because they can’t sleep at night, then we all need to sleep well knowing we support members and don’t impression vulnerable people
« Last Edit: February 20, 2016, 04:01:06 pm by [Buddie] »

Kooky Monday: Bowel movements added to list of 90,000,000 benzo withdrawal symptoms

Strange spell yesterday
« on: February 15, 2016, 02:11:23 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello Everyone.  It’s been a while since I have been here. I jumped off Ativan 6 months ago. Doing okay for the most part but still getting waves every few days. Fortunately the waves don’t last long but I keep having the oddest symptoms. The most annoying is these intense butterfly sensations in the pit of my stomach. They come out of nowhere when I am having a good day and feeling totally calm and happy. They are shortlived but uncomfortable. I assume it’s just a wave of anxiety. I have been on a beta blocker for 18 months to keep my heart from racing. Heart racing was the reason that I got put on a benzo in the first place. Dr. thought I had an anxiety problem but it turns out that my thyroid was out of wack and I was swinging from hyperthyroid to hypothyroid. I am not on thyroid replacement hormone yet because my hypothyroidism is mild and not causing problems. Anyway had a very strange thing happen yesterday, and sorry if TMI. My tummy was rumbling right before I needed to go to the bathroom for a BM, (I’ve been having constipation) and my heart rate went up a bit. It scared me because that hasn’t happened in while being on the beta blocker. It wasn’t racing like it used to though, but I am used to my pulse being in the low 60’s now because of the beta blocker, so if it gets up to even 80 or 85 it feels like racing. So I went to the bathroom and had a BM and came back and sat down and my heart rate started to go back down, but then I started shivering and trembling like the chills you get with a fever but my body temp was normal. I felt like I was coming down with something. That lasted about 15 minutes and then went away and I was fine the rest of the day. It’s like once I had the BM, everything went to normal. So my question is, did the impending bowel movement trigger this weird spell, or is it benzo withdrawal? Have any of you every experienced anything like this?

Re: Strange spell yesterday
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2016, 04:24:25 pm »

[Buddie]

Anyone? Hoping someone can help shed light on this and ease my mind. Thanks. 

Re: Strange spell yesterday
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2016, 04:35:03 pm »

[Buddie]

Sounds like small panic attacks to me. The gut is where many feel the effects of a panic attack. Hard to say if it’s benzo related or your thyroid causing cortisol swings.

Re: Strange spell yesterday
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2016, 05:27:35 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi DMom,

Maybe your body is readjusting to normal. But gave your body those symptoms while doing so. I too had panic near BM process for a short time a couple weeks back. I think it was withdrawal symptoms for me.

I’m at about 6.5 months from my jump. I’m hypothyroid and am on .075 mcg of levothyroxine. I see an endocrinologist the past couple of months and will continue to do so just to make sure my numbers are good and am on the correct level of meds. In the beginning of withdrawal my body went hypo to hyperthyroid and made things very difficult to deal with.

I had not really had any hunger feelings in my stomach for the longest time until lately. This morning I noticed I was really hungry and I was so happy to feel that sensation! Yay! This whole process really baffles me what our bodies have to go through to get us back to normal.

Glad things have calmed down for you and sounds like you’re getting better!