Using the word addiction to describe benzo injury blames the patients inherently. So easy to say dependent.
For those who feel they did suffer with both — then just write both, and explain what they both mean.
Not complicated. Every time you lean on addiction incorrectly or singularly it’s making it look like abuse and compulsion are the reason we got sick. Not helpful and completely infuriating at this point.
Hair loss/thinning « on: February 25, 2017, 09:19:27 am »
Did anyone have massive thinning or hair loss possibly stress related? I’m around months off Klonopin and I’m very young. This thinning is so depressing
Terror is damaging my soul -- I need hope -- please, anyone -- « on: January 09, 2017, 11:48:01 pm »
I live in New York City. I’m so afraid of everything I just sit in this one spot in my apartment and shiver. I really feel like I’m losing my mind. I know this is withdrawal –– I am 22 days out from jump off a 4 month clnoazepam taper. I am 27 years old and I want to die.
I’m in shock at what my life has become. Every second is nausea at the pure SHOCK of all I have lost and how I have been reduced to this screaming pile of guts. I used to be an ambitious writer I find myself laughing while crying because I feel like I’m turning psychotic from the pain. Like I’m turning dark, cold. Something inside of me has just been broken. SO damaged. How could anyone ever be the same? I am tired of hearing myself complain. I am tired of meditation and yoga and small pleasures and psychiatrists and therapy. A part of me believes that withdrawal has just revealed that black river beneath the street, the true knowledge of life’s inherent misery that we all incessantly distract ourselves from.
It’s not the severity of withdrawal. It’s how it NEVER LETS UP. It is the day after day, week after week, month after month state of terror. My eyes look like these two wounds, now––and all my friends are scared of me. I’m losing my resolve. I feel possessed by evil. I never believed in all of these ridiculous forces before and now my thoughts are consumed by images of demons and hell. I am positive that I have gone mad. I am unrecognizable from just five months ago.
PLEASE SOMEBODY WHO HAS BEEN HERE AND GOTTEN OUT PLEASE TELL ME YOU GOT OUT!!!!
« Last Edit: January 10, 2017, 12:43:03 am by [Buddie] »
Can't handle this symptom any more « on: November 23, 2016, 07:21:31 pm »
I have bot posted on this forum too much before but right now my anxiety is ramped up sky high.
I am again experiencing the extremely upsetting symptom of wanting to bash my head against the wall that I understand from others can be a Klonopin w/d s/x.
It is showing no sign going away. And that is really, really upsetting and worrying me.
These feelings went away pretty much totally before, so logically then can do again but that is my intellect talking, not my heart. I find it hard to believe they will and all the while I am in the deepest possible distress.
I am losing faith that I can survive, my confidence is in tatters and I wonder how much more hell I have to go through before I get t a place of mental stability again, that I last had two months ago – although it feels much longer.
The onset of dark evenings and winter mean more time cooped up alone.
I have to get my anxiety levels down to ease the symptom I so dread, and writing this has made me realise I need to focus full time on me now to get a sense of balance back and resume my taper. Right now everything is on hold and it’s so distressing.
Re: Can't handle this symptom any more « Reply #1 on: November 23, 2016, 07:54:25 pm »
[…], I have no experience of Klonopin but I do know what it is like to be sobbing and banging my head on the refrigerator. And nobody can understand this unless they’ve been through it.
If you are feeling the worst you’ve ever felt then it will get better. It will probably be a while before you are properly better but the crisis reaches its peak and then falls again. So listen to your intellect.
I thought I couldn’t go on any more earlier today but, for better or worse, I am still here.
We don’t have any choice, do we?
I hope you feel better soon. […] x
Can I still smoke cigarettes? « on: October 28, 2016, 09:36:37 pm »
Im sure this question has been asked a thousand times on here but Im a newbie to benzobuddys. Can I smoke a little? I was smoking half a pack daily. Stopped ct when I found out was withdrawing from K. Now Im dying for 2 or three smokes a day. I know i should just stay off them but whats the info on their effect on withdrawals? Thanks everyone. You guys make this bad trip better!
Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « on: July 24, 2016, 06:55:10 am »
Warning this is probably depressing or will be flagged so dont read if u cant handle a rant. Sorry. I was reading about someone on here in a similar situation but I didnt want to write all this as a reply becuz its probably not helpful to them. “Why are people so cruel” was the post.
That being said, my brother went off on me tonight. He never has before. It was scary he was cursing and to me it seemed like it came out of nowhere. My heart is broken. I could write him off as an asshole but my cousin launched a similar attack on me last week and I didn’t see it coming. I feel like people keep coming after me with their venom because they see I’m vulnerable. Is this naive? I’m so tired of taking the blame and not being supported in this family that even if I am doing something wrong I never want to talk to them again. My uncle and my dad (both alcoholics) have had a go at me for unrelated things. And I can never keep my cool, I get so pissed off. Tonight at dinner when my brother said that stuff he took off and i then threw my bowl of food on the table. I have so little self control with my anger anymore. In both cases with my brother and cousin it really seemed to me like they were over-reacting to my “attitude” – both took off as if I so horrible they couldnt stand me.I already feel like and idiot and awkward and have no confidence and now I get to be screamed at for existing. I dont know what is going on anymore half the time and I am livid how this is how I’m treated because I would never do that to them and have bent over backward for all of them. But if I make one mistake….I havent even talked to my brother lately and he went off after probably four minutes of my being there. I dont feel supportes at all. Even my mom who read a bunch of stuff from bb and ashton I think at least partly agrees with them. Both she and my cousin at the time of his outburst on our camping trip took off and went home early, stranding me their with no car.
I’ve been staying at my parents house instead of my apartment since my anxiety got so bad but now I want to get the hell out of here too. The problem is I left my apartment in the first place because my neighbor on the otherside of the wall was and is using the shared basement as his drug den, both doing and selling. (This was not my anxiety exaggerating, people have confirmed it.) Cops have been useless. So just yesterday Im thinking ok im strong enougb to go back to my apartment. My mom was picking up my mail and saw I had a neighbor living above me who had just moved in (it’s a four-plex house). I thougbt it might be good because at least I wouldnt be alone with the creepy druggy family. (Was feeling very unsafe). Anyway I ask her to look on the new person’s mailbox and find out the name – as I share a outside door and entry with this new person.
She comes home and I am not making this up…she’s written the name on some of my mail and it’s a f’ing exboyfriend from yrs ago! Not someone I want to see at all, smug, condescending and cocky in general. Now i dont even want to go back there because I will inevitably have to see him. Ugh! I got super anxious living their before from how the druggy was monitoring my comings and goings in timing with when he’d do his drug stuff. I think that would be anxiety provoking for someone not on benzos to know they’re being watched. everyone knows what you are doing since their is no sound insulation.
Ive looked for a place (moving isnt stessful, right?!) but nothing yet. At this point i wonder if i should just get dropped off and stay camping with my dog (our day alone together was the best) or do I have to look into some kind of safe housing an hr away for people in crisis. I havent even started a formal taper yet and there is all this extra bs going on. I just want to feel safe and be left alone (with my dog). There i vented. Now if anyone reada this they will agree with my brother that im negative. No, i just didnt want to talk about all this negative crap and they kept bringing it up even after i repeatedly asked them not to. Thats when he screamed at me that i was making everything about myself. Why because i dont want to have dinner conversations about icky stuff, one topic after another all of which are about my dog, my apartment, my ex… Seriously??? I am so alone in this world and I feel like a freak. What the hell am I supposed to do? Im carless in a rural area. I cant believe this is my life. I dont make things all about me – i feel horribly guilty for even venting on here because im worried someone will now think that. I cant even stand to think about these situations any more than i absolutely have to, let alone make people listen to it. Tired of being judged.
Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « Reply #1 on: July 25, 2016, 06:03:42 am »
No judgment here! That sounds like a legitimately difficult situation to deal with even without adding a benzo taper to the mix! It sounds like your family situation is less than healthy (same here, is anybody’s actually healthy? Lol). Is it possible you’d do better on your own at your apartment? You wouldn’t have to see this ex TOO often unless you decided to strike up a friendship, and maybe in the years that have passed, he has changed. He doesn’t have to know what you’re going through. Stick to small talk, “Oh wow, small world. How are you? Good? Me too. See you around!”
That sounds like an easier situation to deal with than the one at home, but you’re the one living through it so you’d know better than me! But try to remind yourself that no matter which you choose, it was YOUR decision (be empowered by that), and make the best of it. You deserve that. Don’t let others rain on your parade. Live your life and do what you have to do.
Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « Reply #2 on: July 25, 2016, 06:35:44 am »
There is no judgement here. We are all in this together and we all have family junk to deal with. I really don’t know what to say about your living situation, but would have to agree with […]. You have to live your life for yourself and be happy with who you are. Never mind what others have to say about your choices, they are just that, YOUR choices and they need to respect that.
Make a life for you and your dog, if that’s what you want. It sounds really good to me. You would have freedom and wouldn’t have to be in a negative atmosphere. Plus you would be able to calm down enough to get on with your taper. This site will be all the support you will need, it may even become your new family!
Good luck to you and I hope to see more of your postings.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2016, 10:01:41 pm by [Buddie] »
Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « Reply #3 on: July 25, 2016, 07:34:09 am »
I am reading “Codependent No More” and it is helping with a ton of stuff… Seeing as you mentioned alcoholism and an ex that’s an ass and some poor treatment in general I thought I’d throw that out there. It’s empowering, the book. Whether chemical or compulsive addictions are factors in those around you or not- I think it’s an important book for all kinds of reasons.
I also recommend ” Boundaries ” by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.
They have all kinds of books like ” Safe People ” and others that could help you navigate this sort of treachery.
You don’t sound negative at all to me… Also, Al-anon helps me, personally- I’ve had NPD spectrum individuals in my life, I think we all do. Definetely get wise about Narcissism, Sociopathy and such… If you aren’t self-educated in that area yet, please do some research. My eyes were opened wide- I had no idea until I had survived an over seven year relationship with a psychopath… And I am not exaggerating. It took a while to find the pieces of that puzzle and put them together- now I know, for life, what some people actually can be, at their core.
That’s not negativity or paranoia, that’s survival.
I also agree with […] and […]… And on this note I happen to have one last book to recommend – ” The Gift of Fear “
Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « Reply #4 on: July 25, 2016, 10:00:24 pm »
Thank you all. I really mean it. I will take everything you’ve said to heart. Right now I’m in crisis mode I just had a legit physical confrontation with my dad. My mom took off. I’m hiding in my room because I’m frozen. I have so much stuff to get to my house, and no energy. My dad is known for taking stuff so it makes me even more worried to leave anything which I know is nuts I shouldn’t worry about material things I just feel so insecure.
I just called my psych dr’s office but was told “that the computers are down”, what ever that means so I dont know if they’ll call me today.
I worried I’m going to end up in the psych ward and have to leave my dog. She is super attached separation anxiety puppy.
I know im not acting totally normal, really having a lot of rage but then I’ll feel like it’s justified because I think they all could be a lot more decent to me and stop making it about them.
They keep saying Im making everything about me but I havent even talked to my brother or dad other than that dinner so how can that be possible?
My memory really sucks maybe ive complained more to other people than ive realized.
I cant believe my mom, i am most disappointed i her, but she wasnt handling life very well when my dad’s alcoholism was the only problem.
Maybe I need to go to inpatient, ive never been this out of control, throwing shit because I can handle being screamed at.
I really hate that they make me question my sanity, because I know its not all true but then I dont know what is.
Its like my mom thinks because Im mad she didnt stick up for me and told my trouble-making uncle all this crap, well she always blames the medicine.
Im so self conscious because I dont know what Im doing wrong that ive even stopped talking to my only friend because I cant handle possible judgement and embarrassment of being crazy.
I think I was already a little ptsd before any of this and im worried i’ll never get the image of my dad come at me out of my head.
Ive wanted to get out of here but Ive been sleeping so much and i havent had the energy to go get groceries, put in my ac, etc. i cant even get into the damn bathroom to take a shower because someone is always in there. So i feel really bad about myself.
Now the only vehicle is gone again. When did my family turn to white trash. I almost think I was due to “lose it” after all that ive dealt with the last few yrs.
so here i am “making it about myself ” again. Sorry, im freaking suffering. I put off doing this taper because I could never count on stability. Now I have no choice and Im screwed. It feels like a nightmare I cant get out of. I told my dad he was a terrible father and i feel really bad about that.
I cant handle confrontation, this is the second time in a few days ive reacted by throwing and nreaking stuff. Is this from the withdrawl or am I just nuts?
I do feel like Im not completely understanding everything going on around me, like how people could have been so pissed to act that way in the first place if i was being super “negative”. If they think im really crazy then they think thats how they should act toward someone mentally ill? I cant say anything to get through to my mom. I did call both her and my brother out for some minor legit crappy behavior towards me (which normally i would put up with in order to avoid all hell breaking loose).
I dont think my relationships will ever come back from this. I just want to move away to another state with more sun like Ive planned to for years. I cant even get across town.
This no car thing is bs, im on disability but only getting ssi which is barely enough to cover rent.
I’d call a cab but i really need to shower and and i have too much stuff. My dad is here without my mom so he’d probably do God knows what to my room. I dont even care i just want peace and to be left alone, thats all ive been saying to them. Do i sound whiny, nuts, self absorbed? For real Im asking. I cant even tell.
I guess i am just really awful to be around, i dont know i feel like a sometimes im in more of a joking funny mood than anyone around me. But they ignore that.
My life was never like this growing up. I cant believe any of this. Im so upset.
Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express. « Reply #5 on: July 25, 2016, 10:11:17 pm »
Im really strong normally but I dont think I can make it through withdrawl. Im also super nervous this could get much worse in the next week when i start pms’ing…depression is always worse. Really cant hang on if its worse. This mood stuff has been worse than anything thing ive ever had before
Paranoia « on: July 07, 2016, 09:34:17 pm »
I need all the help and advice I can get about this topic. It’s really embarrassing for me to talk about, but it’s a real serious issue and it’s causing severe pain in my life. I was on clonazapam .5 mg 1x a day for 5 years for anxiety and insomnia. I am currently off of it and am going through a Nasty withdrawal. I got off of it because I noticed that things were getting bad for me. Anxiety was getting worse, insomnia would happen even when I took the pill sometimes, I developed ocd on this drug. And this is the topic I want to discuss..the ocd. I have/developed irrational fears of thinking someone is going to kill me. It can be anyone, if my mom just yells at me I think she is going to kill me. Literally. If my brother is sad, I think he’s going to kill us. If I don’t do my check..there is someone in my room going to hurt me. Now that I haven’t taken clonazapam
For a few days it’s getting worse. I did do a taper off of this drug. I realize I’m probably going through withdrawal, but I seriously can’t sleep at night not only because of the withdrawal, but because of these rediculous thoughts. My mind can’t calm itself down anymore, so when a thought comes in…regardless of how nuts it is..it sticks and my body reacts in fear and panic. I’m struggling with insomnia because I can’t get these crazy thoughts out. Last night I thought there were bombs placed in my room. I know I’m sleep deprived and being on clonazapam I haven’t gotten good sleep in 5 years…but how can I control these thoughts. Please talk some sense into me. I’m falling apart. I’m 23 years old, and going through a lot.
Re: Paranoia « Reply #1 on: July 09, 2016, 12:23:33 am »
Hi […], you did the right thing and stopped taking the pills. I cannot say they gave me OCD but I do know the bad thoughts are part of this. I have all kinds of crazy intrusive thoughts and we just have to tell ourselves the reality of the situation. Like your mom or your brother probably are not going to kill you, well I don’t know them maybe they will, just a little joke. That is beside the point my craziest thoughts are around suicide and I have to tell myself I’m never going to go through with it so why do I keep telling myself I will. I cannot answer that question myself. But I’m sure it is all part of this difficult thing we are going through.
Re: Paranoia « Reply #2 on: July 09, 2016, 06:06:35 am »
You were tapering too fast. I would go back to .5 and try again tapering much slower. OCD feeds on anxiety and so once you will go back to .5 you will have relief. It may take a few times until you learn how your body reacts to the withdrawal so don’t look at this as a failure. I now gone back to my original dose again because I tapered too fast. Everyone has different way they react to withdrawal and take different time to taper off. You need to give yourself time and keep trying.