Mayo Clinic recommends psych ward after wife loses everything to Ashton

Nursing Home until I become healed?
« on: December 09, 2020, 09:28:18 pm »

[Buddie]

After 2 years of being bedridden, unable to care for myself, I cannot live like this anymore. My husband has been doing his best to care for me, but I have not seen any signs of improvement. My mental function is gone. I live in extreme pain, with over 100 extreme symptoms daily. I am only 56 years old but living a life of a senior shut-in.

I am wondering if any of you know people who have ended up in a nursing home because of benzo injury? What happens when our only caregiver cannot take it anymore and wants to get on with their life? Then what? I am unable to go anywhere (have even cancelled all my dr. appts. in the last years), cannot shower except for maybe once every 5 days now, live in my unkempt bedroom all alone while my husband is out living his life. But, he wants to be able to travel, do outdoor activities, ALL the things we once enjoyed together, which kept us extremely busy. He has been leaving town here and there to do some activities but has to be back by dark because I cannot be alone in the dark anymore. My mind has been damaged and I no longer have any hope. I have not had any windows and I’m only getting worse.

The guilt is unbearable to me, even though I know I didn’t cause this injury myself. What am I supposed to do?

P.S. It took me a very long time to write this and everything I have to try to make sense of this post. I cannot express myself, even in writing anymore, let alone with words.

Re: Nursing Home until I become healed?
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2020, 10:13:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on December 22, 2020, 10:03:02 pm
longing

First let me tell you that your post makes sense. As awful as you feel, you are very much coherent. Your sentences string together and your word usage is accurate. As challenging as it was to write, your cognitive function seems fine here.

Your husband is tired. It’s normal. Sometimes caregivers feel they aren’t allowed to struggle, because the person they care for is struggling more. But that isn’t true. It is really lonely to be a caregiver. It is hard work. It is frustrating. It’s normal that he wants his partner to share life with him. This doesn’t make him bad or unloving. I don’t say this to guilt you. More to shine a light on the big picture. Who cares for the caregiver?

I doubt a nursing home could do much for you. First, you would have to qualify by virtue of age. You are too young. Many seniors who are very disabled are waiting to get in to nursing homes. Nursing homes are very expensive, too. Also, it would be so disempowering.
It is like saying that nothing can be done and healing is futile. Maybe this age and money thing is only true in Canada.

You say you have over 100 symptoms every day. Bedridden. Cannot even bathe yourself. There is no improvement at all. So, this is a severe and rare case of protracted withdrawal. What have you done to improve your situation? Again, not to doubt you, because you have likely done many things. Recovery is an active process. It doesn’t happen just by waiting for it. Others cannot give it to us, no matter how well they care for us. Maybe if you list what you have done, then we can perhaps add ideas?

I wish you could find someone to talk to. Possibly locate an online therapist?

I have had many tests, even been to Mayo Clinic two times. They just want to put me into the psych ward because they don’t believe in benzo withdrawal. They tell me it’s just a severe case of depression. Well, of course, I’m depressed. Who wouldn’t in my situation? But I was never depressed or had any kind of mental illness until I became tolerant to the clonazepam. I was on it for over 20 years, daily. My life is gone. I have tried many supplements over the time I’ve been suffering, but none have helped. I take a multi vitamin daily and an adrenal support supplement. I have to take .25 mg. Trazadone to help with sleep, which is pretty much non-existent still. This is the reason I was put on clonazepam in the first place. I have chronic daily migraine and for years, I have not slept. My neurologist is the one who put me on benzos and now he has flat out told me that he doesn’t know anything about benzo injury and withdrawal and therefore, cannot help me. He actually told me that if I find someone to help to let him know. I wish his life would have been ruined, like he did to me. Horrible, horrible doctor!

One of my family members thinks that if I would just start smoking weed that all this will go away. I tried it…one puff…one time about a week ago. I became even more depersonalized and it was awful! Not for me. I hear it helps others though.

If I have to continue to exist in hell like this, I won’t. There are many who have not been damaged nearly as much as I have. Why does God not listen to me? I have been a christian all my life and have always prayed, but it’s like He’s not even real to me anymore.

Brutal Ashton taper leaves man unable to walk 16 months post-cessation of drug

Can’t walk. This has never happened WTF?
« on: December 26, 2020, 05:55:01 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi everyone. I hope your holidays were OK. I’m actually just happy that they are over. I don’t know what’s going on with me I have never had this happen in benzo withdrawal. I have had difficulty walking and I’ve had pain in my legs and feet and lower back, but not to the point where I actually cannot walk around the block. I mean I can but it’s so damn painful. I was supposed to help my girlfriend do a photo shoot outdoors today and I couldn’t go because I can’t stand on my feet. My right heel feels like there’s an internal bruise, they’re shooting pains going up my legs from my feet, and my lower back is killing me. I’ve been popping ibuprofen like crazy. I’ve been laying in bed since last night, and they were shooting pains in my legs even when I’m not putting any weight on them. My primary care doctor is great. He tells his patients that he can’t believe he actually has one patient that got off of Clonopin. He’s been practicing for 35 years and said that he has never seen one person successfully get off of it. I called him this morning and he called me back. He says he has no idea what it is. He said that some of the symptoms sound like gout but other ones don’t. I wanted to tell him that I think it’s benzo withdrawal, but I don’t want him to think I’m crazy because that seems to be the look I get when ever I offer that is a solution to my physical pain. I’ve read a lot on here about different messed up physical symptoms that people have, and I’m wondering if this particular group of symptoms is something that someone else’s experience. I usually ride my bike and or walk 3 to 5 miles a day. I can’t even walk around the block without being in extreme pain. I have tried to stay physically active throughout my benzo withdrawal, but I’m stuck at home now in bed. I work and have worked full-time throughout withdrawal, and I have never been bed ridden because of physical symptoms and am terrified that I’m actually getting worse 16 months post taper.
Any insight or encouragement would be much appreciated. I’m stuck in bed all day. Thank you.

KLONO-HELL

I REALLY NEED SOME ANSWERS....cannot live like this any longer
« on: November 04, 2020, 09:38:05 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m at 7 1/2 months off .5 clonazepam taken as directed daily for 20 years. I was in tolerance for a year and a half before I ct’d. I have been unfunctional and bedridden for two years now. My whole body is shutting down. I can’t even touch my skin without having extreme pain. Cognitive function has not improved…getting worse. The tinnitus is getting worse every day. I have to have the volume on loud on the t.v. to try to drown it out.

The looping thoughts and constant phrases from a song go through my head all day long. The dp/dr is worsening I’m existing in an alternate universe) and I haven’t been able to even go sit outside anymore (I used to go out for just a couple minutes a few times a day). My vision is so bad that I cannot even look at my cellphone for more than a couple minutes at a time. The last time I was out of my house at all was 2 weeks ago. I went for a drive with my husband, which was excruciating. The only time I’m out of bed is to go lay on the couch in pain for a few hours each night so I can try to watch t.v. with my husband (we haven’t slept in the same bed for over 2 years, let alone have any sexual intimacy). I have to constantly twirl my hair or pick at myself because of the extreme anxiety. My heart races and my skin burns. I am not sweating as severely as I once was, but the body burning is so bad.

My brain thinks of something random and then all of a sudden it is gone and a few seconds later I cannot remember what the thought was. I have no contact with anyone…not even on the phone. This has been going on for 2 years. The phone gives me extreme anxiety. Trying to be around people has become non-existent too.

This has taken a toll on my relationships with my kids….non-existent now, my husband, the rest of my family and my friends.

I ask for God to let me die in my sleep. Is there anyone out there who has been affected as much as I have and gotten any better? How long do I have to exist in hell like this?
« Last Edit: November 04, 2020, 09:48:03 pm by [Buddie] »

THIS TAPER FAILED

I reinstated my klonopin please help everyone scaring me!!
« on: September 20, 2020, 05:45:53 pm »

[Buddie]

I was tapering and I got from 2mg daily down to 1.25mg over the course of some
Months I was doing well… my mom passed and I just had back to back panic attacks and 5 trips to the ER, in a week! So I reinstated yesterday and I feel
Much better but I absolutely want to get off, I’m
Just wondering why do people fear monger? NOT in this forum but in others I’ve been told
If I try to wean again I will be in horrible condition, I will not be able to do it, I’m at a larger risk for seizures… is this really true please help!

Re: I reinstated my klonopin please help everyone scaring me!!
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2020, 07:51:46 pm »

[Buddie]

I can relate, don’t know what to tell you. I am freaking out 24/7 for almost nothing and everything at the same time. Everything is a trigger and race my anxiety and fear. But I notice that when I go for a walk and do my sport and yoga (I do it almost every day), my mind is busy and I am less triggered. But still… I can barely being around people. Some days are better than other, for exemple today I was incapable to see anyone but Friday I went to the restaurant with a friend, I was anxious but I managed. I try to push myself to get my brain use to a normal life style, don’t know if it help or not because usually if I do something and force too much, seems that I pay it for days after… I cannot help you with taper because I cold turkey 🙁

Addict starts downing kpins, with a vodka chaser, after taper fails

Confession -- Reinstatement -- I don't know what to do
« on: June 09, 2020, 09:06:09 pm »

[Buddie]

Three days ago, my akathisia, intrusive thoughts, irritability got so bad. It had been just over one month without klonopin. I wanted to celebrate, but the perceputal distortions, dp/dr, and other symptoms were bad too. I literally was afraid of losing control. I had these awful tics — was laying on the floor screaming “F— you” to any car going by. I had strong urges to yell at my wife, tear stuff off shelves, etc. Mind you, **this is not me.** I was never like this before withdrawal.

Long story short, I felt hopeless and desperate, because I can’t put myself at risk of being like this every day. I took some Kpin and dashed it down with vodka (maybe equivalent of 3 shots). I am not even a drinker — I don’t even like alcohol, so this is not a “pattern” mind you — I just needed reprieve from these tics and thoughts until I could figure out a new strategy, because this CT isn’t working. I had terrible panic and tightness all day long, plus ‘mental akathisia,’ unable to escape my own brain. I am afraid for my future. I cannot stay married like this and do this to my family. Well now that was 3 days ago, the withdrawals are going to kick in again. I really went and did it this time. I thought the worst of the acutes would peak by month one but clearly I was wrong. How to taper a med that’s paradoxical? Seems a V crossover is my only chance but my doc won’t do it.

Coronavirus causes return to Klonopin

Emergency Dose
« on: March 27, 2020, 01:17:04 am »

[Buddie]

I am 3 months since I stopped Klonopin. This past week after losing half of my retirement funds because of the stock market crashes (I know should have been smarter). Now uncontrollable and constant anxiety and unable to hold down food. Would taking a few doses of this drug set me back hopelessly. Need something to keep from doing something bad.

Patient goes back on Klonopin after Benzo Buddies taper almost causes stroke

My heart couldn't handle my withdrawal
« on: January 09, 2020, 02:11:18 pm »

[Buddie]

I am back now taking my regular dose of clonazepam. I lasted 15 days without a benzo, those 15 days were the longest, confusing, hellish days of my life. Without a doubt my effort to quit caused my blood pressure to spike to the point where I need to take a pill for my heart at age 34. I would love to be happy and benzo free, it just seems like I could get benzo free but I would be regretting it because your body feels so different and changed from the benzo. I’ve already been kicked out of enough Doctor’s offices so I think I’m going to take this Dr.’s advise and stay on the benzo even though it’s not suppose to be taken for more than 2 months and I’m on over a decade. At some point there will be a Class Action Lawsuit on everyone involved in this scheme, however I don’t want money I want myself to be able to live without Big Pharma. Good luck to everyone out there fighting the good fight, keep it up love is reciprocal.

Addict about to lose EMT job after patient reports him

Job in Jeopardy
« on: January 09, 2020, 08:48:32 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m prescribed 8mg Klonopin daily. I’m an emergency dept EMT. I must’ve had a benzo hangover and a patient reported to my boss to say I seemed drunk. I was sent for a urinalysis and admitted I am in fact prescribed Klonopin. It’s been nearly two weeks and haven’t heard back yet. I have to get off this stuff. Thinking about rapid detox.