They Dont Believe Me
« on: March 31, 2021, 03:27:24 pm »
Nearing completion of my 4th month. Things have just gone down hill this month with no windows. Waves to severe waves have consumed me, my family, my work, my therapist and my doctors.
I am starting to see cracks in support. People dont believe me when I say there are no drugs to fix this. Everyone wants me to take SSRI’s and/or other drugs. They see me in so much pain and dont know what to do so they go to what they know – drugs. It is frustrating. I tell them what I need when they ask – to tell me I am healing and it will get better. I am not sure they believe me when I say that is the support I need.
All of them keep asking ‘what do the ‘expert doctors’ recommend.’ They tell me not to rely on the internet or message boards. I keep telling them the doctors dont understand and that I am doing the right thing. I just need them to support me and provide reassurance that I am healing.
I am looking for concise but thorough documentation to help show them what I am going through and what I need. I tried to show them a book but it was too long. I showed them letters from others that made it through but they say it is not from an expert. Is there anything out there that is just right. That I can point to and say here – read this 4 page document. It will tell you what I am going through and more importantly what I need. That no medication or intervention will help other than time, distraction and positivity.
Update - My Dr. told me I would have to stay on Valium forever - I'm not kidding
« on: October 27, 2020, 10:35:35 pm »
Well, let’s just say my appointment did not go well. Now that I am done crying I wanted to share with you all what happened.
This was the appointment where I asked her if she would help set me up with a compounded liquid Valium taper. I said that I know I’m on a very small dose (2mg) but that when I tried to go to 1.5mg I had severe anxiety & insomnia. So I wanted to taper very gradually with liquid.
She said NO. She said she had talked to her supervising Dr. and that they both agreed, given my history with anxiety and getting off and on benzos, that . . . WAIT FOR IT . . . I need to accept that I will have to take it forever.
I could not believe my ears. I wish I was making this up. This is an actual licensed medical provider in the US.
I tried to respectfully make my case that I did not want to be on benzos forever, that they were not healthy to be on forever, etc. and that I just wanted her help to get off. And that I didn’t want to add on additional meds to help (she has prescribed hydroxyzine & trazodone). The hydroxyzine doesn’t really work and I’m too scared to do Trazodone for fear that I will become dependent on it. She said it’s not possible to become dependent on Trazodone.
I was in tears and by the end of that horrible call I just agreed to do what she said. Not really of course but just to end the call.
I already have another appt with a different Dr. set up for tomorrow. They originally couldn’t see me till 11/11 but called and said they had a cancellation for tomorrow. I pray this new one can help me.
I will say this. I got caught in the benzo world. My doctor 4 years ago prescribed Ativan for me daily. I didnt know what it was cause well, I didn’t. After a while it quit working and he upped the dose and I soon found myself “needing” more. After my doctor retired I found a new doctor who was shocked by the amount of Ativan I was on a day. When I explained how I felt he said quit frankly “you are addicted.” I thought I could quit just taking them. I overestimated that you couldn’t. So with my doctor’s help, I got clean. It took 9 months.
I stumbled across Benzo Buddies after googling “benzo online support groups.” OMG. Well, at first they are loving and supportive when you are a newbie. Then all hell breaks loose. That site is fear-driven. I would spend multiple hours a day (at the time I was a stay at home mom and helping care for my aging parents). I would support and post my own journey. Everything that happened i would attribute to withdrawal and I’m sorry to say I was one of the Kooks. One day, about 7 months into my doctor guided “healing” I broke down because I was having a bad day and I said I needed a break from my child. The responses I got were horrendous. One person even commented that I should do like them and put my child up for adoption cause I couldn’t heal and be a mother. It’s impossible.
That day I realized that the amount of time and kookiness on that site was not actually helping my mental state. My fascination was my downfall. So, I sat down, blocked the website from every device I could, and started making banana bread. I made some sort of bread everyday for the remainder of my “coming clean.”
It’s been almost 3 years now since I came off Ativan. Had I not listened to my doctor and had not used judgement to walk away from those idiots… I’d still be on them in fear.
F*ck sake. It might have bern easier if I just started baking as a distraction. I know my previous doctor meant no harm putting me on them. Probably should have paid attention more. But what counts today is that I’m “clean.” The only thing during that time is that I developed tinnitus that doesnt go away. But I’m all good! Stay away from Benzo Buddies. Listen to your doctor. And in like any situation, if you aren’t satisfied or unsure, get a second opinion. Don’t be me and get trapped in that “support group.”
Jordan Peterson: “antidepressants can be absolutely miraculous”