TOUGH DECISION

Thoughts destroying me. Better popping 2.5 V or starting Abilify?
« on: November 25, 2020, 11:16:34 am »

[Buddie]

My intrusive thoughts were paralysing me since my day 8 from my most recent V cut. Then I increased Zoloft to 150mg and things are not better with me after one week from the raise.

I am starting to consider the “last resource” options as things are unbearable and I am also taking my family in all this.

I just want to chill. I can’t do anything the entire day, even rest in my bed or meditate is getting hard.

Given this, I am accepting taking half a pill of V and then doing a much more slower taper. Or then starting Abilify as two psychs want me to start. I wonder what is the less worse option.

Also… is it late to go back to 100mg of Zoloft? Is it worth going back? Have in mind that I am totally ok with having to taper my AD in the future and I am okay with extending the journey. If the therapeutic phase after some weeks has the power to control these intrusive thoughts so I am OK with waiting some more days to the “worsening before getting good” phase from ADs to pass.

VALIUM FOREVER!

Update - My Dr. told me I would have to stay on Valium forever - I'm not kidding
« on: October 27, 2020, 10:35:35 pm »

[Buddie]

Well, let’s just say my appointment did not go well. Now that I am done crying I wanted to share with you all what happened.

This was the appointment where I asked her if she would help set me up with a compounded liquid Valium taper. I said that I know I’m on a very small dose (2mg) but that when I tried to go to 1.5mg I had severe anxiety & insomnia. So I wanted to taper very gradually with liquid.

She said NO. She said she had talked to her supervising Dr. and that they both agreed, given my history with anxiety and getting off and on benzos, that . . . WAIT FOR IT . . . I need to accept that I will have to take it forever.

I could not believe my ears. I wish I was making this up. This is an actual licensed medical provider in the US.

I tried to respectfully make my case that I did not want to be on benzos forever, that they were not healthy to be on forever, etc. and that I just wanted her help to get off. And that I didn’t want to add on additional meds to help (she has prescribed hydroxyzine & trazodone). The hydroxyzine doesn’t really work and I’m too scared to do Trazodone for fear that I will become dependent on it. She said it’s not possible to become dependent on Trazodone.

I was in tears and by the end of that horrible call I just agreed to do what she said. Not really of course but just to end the call.

I already have another appt with a different Dr. set up for tomorrow. They originally couldn’t see me till 11/11 but called and said they had a cancellation for tomorrow. I pray this new one can help me.

Benzo Buddies lifer agonizes over whether or not to hop back on pill cocktail

Back again after 5 years off - worse than acute - could it be related??
« on: October 17, 2020, 04:23:19 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello! I’m hoping someone can PLEASE help or connect me with a member or moderator who might help!
I haven’t been on this site in years. I had horrendous and protracted withdrawals from Xanax, Klonopin, Gabapentin and Remeron. I was cold turkey’ed many times, out on, off, etc etc. I nearly lost my life. Anyway, I was finally off all of everything and slowly recovering. I was able to work part time – sleep between 5-8 hrs a night without a blood sugar crash (regularly) – I also have severe hypoglycemia and adrenal issues from all of this – and could exercise a decent amount. This was back in Feb. I still had issues but was perhaps 65% recovered. But then I started getting stomach issues that the doctors could not figure out. It was severe. I would go from pain, to acid, etc and my nervous system would kick in to try to numb the pain. Drs tried natural remedies bc I’m still super sensitive to meds but nothing helped. I started losing function and so much weight we had to try PPIs etc but they too did not work. I felt like I was back to being in acute withdrawal. My exact symptoms were back. One of my natural drs recognized it and said since my nervous system never fully recovered that is probably why this is happening. I have also been SEVERELY isolated, super stressed because I can’t work, have NO SUPPORT at all where I live – it is just me etc etc and afraid of everything going on in the world. Well, as the summer progressed, I kept getting worse. ALL of my doctors could not figure it out as my symptoms are MORE severe than they ever were in any withdrawal They all quit and said go to my home state of Ohio where I have some friends, old drs who got me through the last withdrawal etc. and it was cheaper to live. I was thinking about moving out of state but then that became too stressful too. I now cannot sleep at ALL! I try to relax and my heart BOOMS out of my chest. I get extreme adrenaline surges that set my whole body on fire – I feel like I am being dipped in acid and then I vomit. I have lost 30 lbs. I have kept trying to endure this on my own but the pain and burning the stomach, nerves, etc is so severe. I have had a seizure – I NEVER had that in acute. Othertimes, when I may get a few hours of sleep (usually every 3rd or 4th day) I wake DRENCHED in sweat, confused. My hypoglycemia at that point is so severe. It gets so low. My muscles are constantly twitching and shaking whenever I calm down but the second I calm down I realize the severe issues the cortisol for all these months has caused and the pain and agony is unbearable and my body can’t take it. I don’t really know how to endure this – at this point I am losing function to take care of myself on my own – I don’t have anyone to else or care for me here so drs are saying I must move for help. They will not prescribe benzos again but are suggesting if I get to Ohio that I should ask my old psych about it or go back on the regimen of K, Rem, and gaba. I don’t know if it will work. And I’m afraid after all I have been through. We have tried other anxiety meds like visterol CBD etc and it made me sooooo much more anxious. However, I cannot live like this – Has anyone EVER HEARD of anything LIKE THIS?????? What do people do??? Am I too far gone to ever heal? Even when I am calm in the day it comes out in my sleep with these horrible jerky surges. I do not want to go back on Benzos but I don’t know how else to deal with this. Would I kindle? Thanks for any of your replies!!!

PS Sorry this is so long!
« Last Edit: October 20, 2020, 06:07:22 pm by [Buddie] »

Addicted, not dependent

Just accept that you're an addict
« on: May 01, 2020, 10:17:11 am »

[Buddie]

Edit: I have made changes to this. There’s lots of good valid points on this website.

Throughout this withdrawal process, now that I’m 10 months in, I ask myself daily am I a drug addict or not? So these are the points that I told myself.

For starters, the non drug addict in me, the one that wants to not be labeled a drug addict, tells myself this. The doctor told me I had an anxiety condition at 17 years old and instructed me to take medication for it. So I took the medication as prescribed and sometimes even less. I didn’t like the way the medication felt, and I didn’t want to have to take anything but felt it was medically necessary. I actually went to detox against my doctor’s advice so that I can get off of them a couple years later. And I always had extras left over.

As for the drug addict in me, the one that my doctor’s and family and everybody is telling me that I am, it’s a different story. I had really bad anxiety so I wanted something that would make me feel calm right away, and only benzos did that. I would always go to a good doctor that was willing to prescribe large amounts because I needed large amounts.

When I went to the doctor, I would constantly say I have horrible anxiety even if it wasn’t that bad, I think I was being my own dramatic worst enemy. I always carry them around in a pill container, even after getting in trouble for it multiple times with the law. I took them everywhere I went. I thought about them all day long everyday because I knew they were in my pocket and if something got bad, I would take one. I didn’t take them more than prescribed, but I still took a lot.

Later on in life, living in Florida, they diagnosed me with essential tremor, so I no longer went to outpatient therapy or treatment. I just got my pills once every 6 months. So I had endless pills at home and I would make sure I refilled them early every month so that I would have extras. I would stockpile them and I would get happy that I had extras.

Later on, I was screwing around all day long in Colorado and smoking medical marijuana and taking my Valium, only to end up homeless. For the longest time, I thought it was everybody else’s fault. Looking back, it’s my life and I had the choice to take whatever I wanted but ended up on the street. And now I’m going through severe withdrawal.

If I had just taken them for a couple weeks like they suggested at the same time every day, and then quit without thinking about it and had really bad symptoms for a long time, I don’t think it would be an addiction problem.

So this is why I think I’m also a drug addict on top of having a physical dependency at this point, because when I look back at my life, it was really screwed up because of pills. Nobody forced me to take them. I knew that it was the pills messing things up but I couldn’t stop anyways. Yes it was because of the horrible withdrawal, but psychologically I needed help to do it.

There’s many people saying I’m not a drug addict because I took them as prescribed, well lots of people take things as prescribed and end up addicted. I think it’s just the bad reputation it gets and that’s why people don’t like to be called that.

So half of me wants to say yes I’m a drug addict and I take responsibility for it, but I still have that other side of me saying hey you didn’t do anything wrong it was prescribed and they told you to take it all day everyday for 20 years regardless of ending up on the street and in hospitals and jails and stuff like that.

And now that I’m 10 months out, I don’t really care if I’m a drug addict or not because it doesn’t change my situation or my symptoms or even the way that my doctor looks at me, because she thinks I’m a drug addict in the first place.

And then you have the fact where almost everybody thinks you’re a drug addict anyways, and if you argue with them, you just look stupid. Like it’s almost better just to say yeah I was addicted and I’m having a hard time and maybe they would help you out more.

However that can also go wrong, like with my family over the last couple months, when I was facing eviction, they were sitting there calling me a drug addict telling me I needed to go to recovery and I kept saying, I don’t have a problem, it was my choice to get off of them and they were prescribed. So they would tell me, I think you do have a problem and we’re not paying for a place to live because it’s your life and you’re a grown-up.

Now another thing to consider, I’m getting housing with Trillium the mental health company. And they are telling me recovery is possible from both mental health and substance abuse. So they’re not labeling me anything, they’re just saying you can recover from either. So basically we have mental health problems temporarily until we get better. It’s not meant to be permanent housing. So it doesn’t matter which category you’re in, they help you anyways.

Where the problem is, is with Social Security a few months back. They told me I was not entitled to disability benefits because I might have problems because of substances. That’s what the judge said, even though I was prescribed benzos for anxiety condition, he said he thought the medicine contributed to my problems. When clearly I already had the problems and that’s why I was taking the medication. That really pissed me off.

So there’s lots of things to consider, judges telling me I have substance abuse problem, family thinking I’m a drug addict, mostly everybody from the older generation saying I’m a drug addict. The newer generation says well it’s prescribed they can’t tell you that, almost like it’s a court case or something. So if you get really technical, things get really confusing.

But in my case, I’m pretty sure I had both physical dependency and an addiction problem. I mean if you’re sitting around counting your pills every month towards the end and thinking about them all day and how you feel all the time, and fearing running out again because you might end up homeless again, and always making sure the doctor prescribes as many as possible, you probably have an addiction problem.

I guess with benzos and prescribed opiates, if it’s prescribed, it’s one of those things you don’t want to admit that it’s addiction, and it’s not for everybody, but I don’t know anybody that doesn’t like them. So maybe people need to stop judging and it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Maybe they should just say if it’s prescribed it’s not a big deal.

The problem with prescribed or not, nurses in hospitals don’t care if it’s prescribed and whenever you go to a new doctor, they don’t care if it’s prescribed or not either. Each person is going to make their own judgment call.

And right now, I have my medical doctor saying it’s a brain injury but that I also have an addiction I’m recovering from, so it’s both. My pharmacist says well you probably were addicted but it was prescribed and you were taking it correctly so I kept feeling it. My family says well you were probably addicted but it was prescribed for 20 years for a reason, so it’s not a big deal. Everything is finally falling into place which is great.

But I will always look back at all of this and I will never forget the judge saying that the pills contributed to my mental health even though it was to help it, and I will never forget people judging me during a time when it was all about money and they were using addiction as an excuse not to help.

And throughout life, half of the people you talk to are going to say it’s a diction and half are going to say the doctors gave you a brain injury. So you might as well just accept whatever people think and go with it. What’s it going to hurt? Who cares, you don’t have to worry about doctors anymore. But I completely get it, it’s not good to be labeled a pill seeker and drug addict. I was even labeled a pill Seeker for asking for my propanolol at the State Hospital.

Was I seeking pills? Well technically, yes. I was asking for my prescription and they wrote it in my chart. Was it okay? No it wasn’t okay at all. They needed to give me my damn meds. Anyways, moving on, that’s my opinion at least.

I’m both a recovering prescription drug addict, as well as somebody that’s been damaged by doctors and Genentech, because it was their fault. That’s why they need to pay for all the damage they did.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2020, 02:51:39 pm by [Buddie] »

Accidental addict gets arrested after getting wasted on booze and Xanax

Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« on: March 28, 2019, 03:53:13 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi Gang…I havnt posted in a while, I check the site from time to time. I need help/advice and this site has always been a good source of both. I will be brief and to the point….I am currently on 3mgs of Xanax per day. I tried to taper I tapered Librium in 2016, but failed. I have not increased my xanax for over a Year…but I Made a huge mistake of not realizing it had lost aot of its effect as tolerance set in, and so I combined alcohol Twice a week , every week to just escape the stress of Life. Well, I was cited for Physical Control, and have now been put on probation and have a court ordered Substance Abuse Assessment to be arranged within the Week, prior to a Pre-Trial Hearing in May. It has now been a full week since my last escape day using alcohol. I am feeling stressed…scared…cloudy and very little coping skills. I assume sooner or later my GP who writes my scripts will be involved in what has happened. Anyone faced something similiar and have any advice on a taper…hold stead…add an anti depressant…etc. Thank you in advance. I will adjust my Signature Line

Re: Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2019, 09:41:52 pm »

[Buddie]

Congrats on full week no alcohol, […]. Alcohol and benzo’s do not make good companions, they make things worse.

I’d try and hold steady if I were you. This at least, will keep one positive thing still in place. But really up to you.

I’d also talk to my doctor to at least have noted that you are not coping with “life” at the moment, it might assist your case.

I’m not suggesting that you have alcoholism […], only you can know that, but going to an AA meeting mightn’t be a bad idea either. You will find many people there who will offer you support and advice, and might even trigger you into thinking about your use of alcohol as a coping mechanism.

I no longer drink myself, and it is so much better.

Going to AA will also assist your case, though I hope you take your drinking seriously following this experience.

We can’t escape life with alcohol and other drugs […], and who would want to? Life can be good.

I used to go to AA years ago and it helped. They have a saying in AA which asks that people deal with “life, on life’s terms”. There is no escape in alcohol and other drugs, only further entrapment.

Hope everything works out well for you […]. Put yourself first this time, and think about others, too.

[…]

Edit: I come from Australia and do not know what being “cited for Physical Control”, means.
If it entails violence, even greater reason to examine your use of alcohol and other drugs. Many people in gaol today who can’t rememember being violent when under the influence of both.
Be aware.

D.

« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 09:57:23 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2019, 01:49:46 pm »

[Buddie]

Thanks for the reply. Physical Control means you are in a vehicle not driving, not started…but under the Influence. It is a fair law that allows Law enforcement to charge someone who may not be driving at that particulair minute…but you are in the Drivers Seat and therfore responsible for being under the influence. I realized after 20 plus Years of taking Benzos as prescribed that I have reached tolerance long ago. So I began to combine alcohol to escape briefly was has become a tough place in Life. I did this once or twice a Week….thankfully not anymore or I would have another problem with Alcohol withdrawl. One of my Main questions for the Site is what if any Impact will 20 Years of Benzo use have on the Judges decision on a sentence. I am in a place of Leadership in my Community and know that most will not understand the effects of 2 decades of Benzo use has on a person. I realize I am responsible. I should have dealt with this Benzo Dependancy a long time ago. I made some attempts but was unable to break free. Besides Support ….I was looking for insight by anyone on the Board who has brought up Benzo use for a Misdemenor Traffice Violation that is looked upon as pretty much the same as DUI.

THIS TAPER FAILED

5 years and 7 months off
« on: March 15, 2018, 11:38:37 pm »

[Buddie]

I feel worse and worse.I go to AA meetings.I work little bit with children.I do my best .I go to the therapist.I got marriesd 2 years ago.I changed all my life.But thightness in my solar plexus , chest is bigger and bigger.I almost cant breathe.I used to run but now I cant run because I cant breathe and pain in chest is unbearable.At first I could go to football matches and yell , support my team -now I cant because I cant scream.
I havent been here long time because I didnt need your help.Iam in different piont of my life.But now I need you again.Maybe I dont deserve your help because I dont help you Buddies (only sometimes I write smth helpfull) but I would be gratefull for each good word.
Since I was ten I have obssesive compulsive disorder.Maybe I should take some pills.???
[…]