Microtapering madness: Ashton dogma costs addict job

Lost my job due to withdrawal. It's time to go back on. What now?
« on: April 18, 2017, 12:03:09 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello everyone,

My arduous journey with benzodiazepine drugs didn’t begin until August of 2015. I started taking 10mg of valium per day. Fast forward to a year later, and my initial efforts at trying to cease usage commenced. Work got tough, and I had to jump back on. The new year started (2017), and I once again made the attempt.

Long story short, valium withdrawal makes it impossible for me to function at work. I cannot concentrate, I make mistakes, and it makes me an unpleasant person. This resulted in me being pushed out of my job. I am very fortunate that I got another one, but I am very fearful of ever attempting to come off again. I’m going to be making an appointment with a psychiatrist once again and just be straight with them – I need this drug to function and hold down a job.

For me, honestly, outside of my job – I feel the withdrawal process was actually ok. I haven’t had huge problems sleeping, although I reliably wakeup after about 5 hours of sleep. Socially, I feel like I’m doing ok. It’s really only at work where my anxiety level about whether or not I would be fired was over the top.

Almost everything else I can live with, but the lack of concentration, drive, and focus is very bad. Even with a gradual taper, it was debilitating. My job requires both drive and extreme concentration and attention to detail. I lose all of that during withdrawal.

My plan is to see a new psychiatrist, and explain that I need to get stable for a few months with whatever drugs are necessary, and then commence either a very long taper or an inpatient treatment center (if I can afford it).

One thing that concerns me is my aggression that is heightened during withdrawal. I really feel like it might be worth asking a psychiatrist for prozac or something similar in addition to the valium. Maybe even lithium.

I know a lot of people here have just as difficult of a time as me, but please keep in mind, I cannot easily just take 3-4 months off.

Today, it almost seems like I should just accepting being an addict until such time as I can attempt another taper or detox clinic.

Does it seem wise to jump on again so I can have a career? Should I be considering other adjunctive drugs, such as an antidepressant?

Proactive advice welcome. Thank you!

Once you join Benzo Buddies you never can leave, member on THIRD taper attempt

Third time trying this :(
« on: April 14, 2017, 06:14:52 pm »

[Buddie]

First time, failed cold turkey in September 2016

Did 4 month liquid taper that ended Feb 28th ,2017. Failed after 6 week jump. Big mistake using gabapentin. Made me lost take my own life.

Last and final attempt. Going to get of of this rat poison gabapentin which made benzo withdrawl seem like a joke. Then do the klonopin taper.

Once I am stabaloze, how long so you think it will take to taper off 1.5mg k. I do not want to rush it, nor prolong it. Please someone offer some advice. Would 9 months seem excessive?

Ashton tapers turning people into addicts?

Becoming more addicted with taper plan
« on: April 07, 2017, 01:08:02 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello!

I have recently startet a taper plan after getting adviced that my original plan by going cold turkey was not the smartest idea.

As i have not made a sig yet ill quickly explain what dose ive been on previously and for what period:
Been on Valium for about 1 year, I do not however take it everyday, on average I have been taking it 5-6 days a week.
My doses for the past 4 months has varied between 15-35mg the days I have taken it (I have only taken it based on what I feel I need when I would experience social anxiety). I have also been on Valium in the past, then on smaller doses (max 10-15mg) and maximum 3 months time. I have cold turkey then without any problems.

Four days ago I started a taper plan with 10mg a day, (2,5mg in morning, 2,5mg afternoon, and 5mg night). Prior to this I was going cold turkey for about 9 days with two “rescue doses” in total of that period, first one being 10mg and 2nd being 15mg, so 25mg total in those 9 days.
I have not experienced any side effects with my taper plan so far, except for slighty “cloudy mind”.

My problem with the taper plan however is that I more and more feel like I am building up a much bigger addiction to the drug with my taper plan as I now know I absolutely need to take it to certain times, and it was not like this before at all, where i would just take it based on my actual needs. Now I know that when I wake up I will need to take a dose, around dinner time ill take another dose and before going to bed ill take a third dose. I truly feel like I am getting alot more addicted to the drug than I have been before, and I am really afraid that this is going to make it alot harder to quit it.

Does anyone have any suggestion to what I could do in my situation to make it better not worse?

Benzo Buddies destroys another life

How do you cope? **Don't read this if you are sensitive**
« on: March 01, 2017, 08:57:00 pm »

[Buddie]

I know everyone experiences this differently, but I am having the most horrendous depression that never ends. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on another hour. It just never ends… I feel like the whole time I was on Benzo’s (mostly for 1.5 years) I’ve been depressed and was just getting worse. But now that I’m off them, I’m not any better. It’s almost worse because I don’t have any options left except to try more antidepressants – I’ve tried over 12 in the past 2 years; 90% only tolerated for no more than a couple of days. I still have horrible depression and nothing is moving forward. I might get to the gym a few times a week but that’s basically my life. I spend days in my house; not going out or laying in my bed not sleeping… I don’t want to try anymore psychotropic medication but I don’t think I’m ever going to get any better without it. A big part of it is because I’m not working and just so bored without any inclination / motivation to do anything. But when you feel like sh*t all of the time, how do you get back to work / back to life? I don’t want to work just anywhere… that will make things worse for me I think. I just want to feel well enough to get back to at least half of what I was doing. I’m starting to believe that part of me has gotten so used to feeling like sh*t that my mind is just planning for the end. It’s like I don’t even want to try to survive this anymore. Does anyone feel this way? This is absolutely crazy! I feel like I’ve been so psychologically damaged by this whole experience (which started in Jan 2015 for the first time in my life) that I’m never going to get out. I have so much fear, anxiety, mental exhaustion, stress, worry, bad intrusive thoughts / major depression (which I also never had). Do I just go on suffering day after day? I mean my wife loves me but 2 years already of this crap and I haven’t been working for at least 3/4 of that. I’m not sure how long she’s going to be able to deal with this… no matter how much she cares about me. I used to be a very well paid sales executive and now klon. I feel like there’s no hope… and I’ve felt like that for 6 months now. I keep trying to do stuff (I just finished an insurance course for 2 weeks; got myself to class barely every day) but as soon as I have nothing in front of me, I’m done. Back to ultimate despair. I can’t distract; it’s cold where I live. My family comes and visits. I talk to one friend who knows what’s going on; all of my other friends are busy living their lives (I’m 42). I’m just in such a bad place. I can’t go to the hospital and be admitted to a psyche ward; that will really be the end of me. I already spent 2 months in a clinic for mood disorder (not knowing I was slowly being killed by Benzo’s)… and that just traumatized me beyond repair I think.

I can’t go on like this and wait it out… I’m alone all day while my wife is at work. I don’t even know if this is Benzo withdrawal or just major depression? I started taking Benzo’s first PRN and then I tried some AD’s and then I was placed on and off Klonipin with no small tapers.. so I just don’t know. That’s the worst, is not knowing.

Anyway, I’m just really messed up every day now with no hope. I’ve tried everything… I’m working with an ND in the UK (I live in Canada). He has some experience working with withdrawal but everything he wants to do is completely opposite to what’s suggested on this site. But I’m starting to think that not everyone is going to recover the same way. He is suggesting about 40 supplements per day to help with BDNF / brain regeneration, anxiety / stress control, and depression. I don’t even know if I can make it through the regiment he has planned for 6 weeks. That’s about as long as an AD will take though.

Whatever you do, don’t ever quit your job unless you absolutely have to. I made the mistake of making that decision when I was in inter-dose withdrawal and didn’t know it. I was also not grateful for what I had and thought that by eliminating that major stress, I would start to feel better. Things just spiralled downward from there. Now I’m paying the ultimate price.

Re: How do you cope? **Don't read this if you are sensitive**
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2017, 09:32:34 pm »

[Buddie]

Also, I’m sorry I haven’t really supported anyone here. I’m just in a really bad place and it’s tough to support other people when you feel like you are suffering every day. If I ever get well again, I will be back to help support those who need it. But for now, I’m just trying to stay alive… however dramatic that sounds.

YouTube benzo videos terrify cult members

I saw scary videos on youtube. Are they true?
« on: December 29, 2016, 12:34:46 am »

[Buddie]

I am about to begin my liquid taper of klonopin this week. I went online to see how other people were doing it just for some pointers and some of the people on youtube make titration sound like it is impossible. One person on there who posted alot looks like she is about to die. Please tell me she is just nuts. This was very discouraging and it scared the h#### out of me.

Benzo Buddies-approved taper destroys addict

Desperate, feel I'm dying
« on: November 04, 2016, 12:32:51 pm »

[Buddie]

I literally feel like this is killing me. The constant pain in my body feels like my arms are on fire. Last night my heart was pounding and my breath so fast I thought I was going to die. I started to go wake my husband, but then thought dying would be OK. The fear, panic, physical pain are terrible. I can barely walk. My mind is usually a jumble. I’ve decided to slow my taper to hold three nights per week instead of two (I’m microtapering .025 mg. five days per week; I’m at 3.45 valium). But I don’t think that will make much difference. I don’t want to hold; this is already going to take too long. I feel desperate. Barely human. What should I do? Help!

[…]

Long benzo tapers cause cancer?

Long Benzo Tapers cause cancer!
« on: October 20, 2016, 04:54:50 pm »

[Buddie]

I just finished reading an article that was withhold from the public from the FDA that shows long term benzo usage including taper time can cause throat cancer, bladder cancer, and testicular cancer in men as well as numerous cancers in women. This is very concerning as I thought benzos were safe.