More OCD? Afraid of thoughts and thinking.
« on: December 31, 2017, 08:23:42 pm »
[Buddie]
My mind is going nuts. This is going to sound incredibly strange, but I’m ‘afraid’ of my own thoughts.. And I don’t mean it in the sense that I’m having violent intrusive thoughts or anything that goes against my morals or beliefs.. I’m deathly afraid of ALL my thoughts, because they all feel intrusive.. They don’t flow smoothly into my mind, it feels like they come from somewhere else and they are always anxiously charged. I briefly mentioned this before, that my intrusive thoughts make me feel trapped in my head, especially when they repeat over and over and I get caught in a loop. When this happens, like this morning, I honestly start to feel like I’m going mad and I can’t think. It traps me in this perpetual state of anxious intrusive thoughts that just cycle through one after the other, with severe panic. I can’t seem to pull myself out of it when it happens. I try to reconcile this by telling myself that it’s all just withdrawal and nothing to be afraid of, but these feel like lies and almost don’t make sense. I’ve tried reasoning with them, I’ve tried just accepting that they are there, but nothing breaks the panic cycle.
If this is anxiety, I don’t know how I’m supposed to handle it because I have never dealt with anything like this in my life. And how exactly is this supposed to just mend itself once the withdrawal is over? I’m legitimately afraid of THOUGHT in general now.. How do you go about undoing this way of thinking/perceiving things once it happens? It’s like I’m always constantly consciously aware of thoughts now and I see them as they enter my head and they feel so strange and abrupt. I don’t want to live like this, I just want to go back to not thinking or noticing any of this stuff. It makes me feel insane and like I have no way out.
I’m so tired of feeling like my mind is an enemy. This isn’t anxiety that anyone should have to deal with.. I understand situational life anxiety, but becoming afraid of NORMAL human processes like thinking and breathing? It’s disgusting that this amount of torment is even possible.
I’ve honestly tried everything.. I just cannot see a way to beat this anxiety. All I can do is sit and suffer and just hope that maybe someday this will all heal on it’s own, but it’s getting harder to put all my chips on that as I get further and further away from my last pill. I mean, nearly 7 and a half months out and still worse than I was during tolerance and acute? I know, this isn’t uncommon, but it also seems like a lot of people are more mentally in control by this time in the withdrawal. Cold turkeying was one of the worst decisions of my life and it’s not anything I can take back or do over.
I almost want to pay someone to beat me over the head with something, so hopefully it causes some sort of amnesia and I can forget all about these things that terrify me, because they plague my thought process now.
Re: More OCD? Afraid of thoughts and thinking.
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2017, 09:41:15 pm »
[Buddie]
Getting out of our own heads can be a challenge in this process. The best way I found to deal with it was to distract myself with something else. I know it sounds trite, but it does work. Distract, distract, distract until this phase passes. Then distract again if it comes back in a wave. Eventually the discordant thoughts will go away if they weren’t pre-existing.
Re: More OCD? Afraid of thoughts and thinking.
« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2017, 09:42:41 pm »
[Buddie]
I have these awful thoughts too. I was just thinking the other omg my brain hates me it’s fighting me. I know that makes no logical sense but I feel like it’s torturing me. And yes I know my brain is actually a part of me but in a weird way it feels separate and like these thoughts belong to someone else? It’s a terrible feeling I can find no relief except to wait it out.
