Endless taper pushes addict over the edge

Screaming out in mental agony
« on: May 13, 2017, 10:54:21 pm »

[Buddie]

I don’t know what happened to me today but the mental tension got so much, I just screamed in agony, begging God to take me…I just cried hysterically pleading for relief and release from this horrible, painful agony….Need help but there’s no help

THE ADDICT FAMILY

I'm 6 months free and now I find out my son is an addict. Help me please buddies
« on: September 27, 2016, 03:01:40 pm »

[Buddie]

My son has been out of college for two years. He moved to another state to seek employment in his field . He has worked on and off in his craft . His dad and I have financially helped him make ends meet. His last visit home, long story short, we realized he was on drugs. Full disclosure is a whopping habit of 8 mg of Xanax and Subutex per day. He very much wants to stop and we want to allow him to move home to get his life back together. We want to start with a 10 day, outpatient clinic to taper him offthe Subutex (out of state place found on internet that looks reputable. We had a long talk with their doc). At the clinic they would change him over from Xanax to Valium. He would return home and taper off the Valium with the help of a psychiatrist. Could be a very long haul because as we all know Benzo withdrawal is not quick. He will still be withdrawing from Subutex too, l assume, although the drug will have been stopped after 10 days at the clinic. As long as he obeys all our rules is it OK to help him? is the first time he has asked for help with drugs although he has been on Subutex for 4 years and street Xanax for 1 year approximately. . We knew of marijuana smoking but nothing else. I want to provide but tough love. He has no other place to go because he has no money saved yet. I love him more than anything and want him to succeed. Any advice or comments? Thank you all in advance

HAPPY TAPERING!

Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« on: July 24, 2016, 06:55:10 am »

[Buddie]

Warning this is probably depressing or will be flagged so dont read if u cant handle a rant. Sorry. I was reading about someone on here in a similar situation but I didnt want to write all this as a reply becuz its probably not helpful to them. “Why are people so cruel” was the post.

That being said, my brother went off on me tonight. He never has before. It was scary he was cursing and to me it seemed like it came out of nowhere. My heart is broken. I could write him off as an asshole but my cousin launched a similar attack on me last week and I didn’t see it coming. I feel like people keep coming after me with their venom because they see I’m vulnerable. Is this naive? I’m so tired of taking the blame and not being supported in this family that even if I am doing something wrong I never want to talk to them again. My uncle and my dad (both alcoholics) have had a go at me for unrelated things. And I can never keep my cool, I get so pissed off. Tonight at dinner when my brother said that stuff he took off and i then threw my bowl of food on the table. I have so little self control with my anger anymore. In both cases with my brother and cousin it really seemed to me like they were over-reacting to my “attitude” – both took off as if I so horrible they couldnt stand me.I already feel like and idiot and awkward and have no confidence and now I get to be screamed at for existing. I dont know what is going on anymore half the time and I am livid how this is how I’m treated because I would never do that to them and have bent over backward for all of them. But if I make one mistake….I havent even talked to my brother lately and he went off after probably four minutes of my being there. I dont feel supportes at all. Even my mom who read a bunch of stuff from bb and ashton I think at least partly agrees with them. Both she and my cousin at the time of his outburst on our camping trip took off and went home early, stranding me their with no car.

I’ve been staying at my parents house instead of my apartment since my anxiety got so bad but now I want to get the hell out of here too. The problem is I left my apartment in the first place because my neighbor on the otherside of the wall was and is using the shared basement as his drug den, both doing and selling. (This was not my anxiety exaggerating, people have confirmed it.) Cops have been useless. So just yesterday Im thinking ok im strong enougb to go back to my apartment. My mom was picking up my mail and saw I had a neighbor living above me who had just moved in (it’s a four-plex house). I thougbt it might be good because at least I wouldnt be alone with the creepy druggy family. (Was feeling very unsafe). Anyway I ask her to look on the new person’s mailbox and find out the name – as I share a outside door and entry with this new person.
She comes home and I am not making this up…she’s written the name on some of my mail and it’s a f’ing exboyfriend from yrs ago! Not someone I want to see at all, smug, condescending and cocky in general. Now i dont even want to go back there because I will inevitably have to see him. Ugh! I got super anxious living their before from how the druggy was monitoring my comings and goings in timing with when he’d do his drug stuff. I think that would be anxiety provoking for someone not on benzos to know they’re being watched. everyone knows what you are doing since their is no sound insulation.

Ive looked for a place (moving isnt stessful, right?!) but nothing yet. At this point i wonder if i should just get dropped off and stay camping with my dog (our day alone together was the best) or do I have to look into some kind of safe housing an hr away for people in crisis. I havent even started a formal taper yet and there is all this extra bs going on. I just want to feel safe and be left alone (with my dog). There i vented. Now if anyone reada this they will agree with my brother that im negative. No, i just didnt want to talk about all this negative crap and they kept bringing it up even after i repeatedly asked them not to. Thats when he screamed at me that i was making everything about myself. Why because i dont want to have dinner conversations about icky stuff, one topic after another all of which are about my dog, my apartment, my ex… Seriously??? I am so alone in this world and I feel like a freak. What the hell am I supposed to do? Im carless in a rural area. I cant believe this is my life. I dont make things all about me – i feel horribly guilty for even venting on here because im worried someone will now think that. I cant even stand to think about these situations any more than i absolutely have to, let alone make people listen to it. Tired of being judged.

Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2016, 06:03:42 am »

[Buddie]

No judgment here! That sounds like a legitimately difficult situation to deal with even without adding a benzo taper to the mix! It sounds like your family situation is less than healthy (same here, is anybody’s actually healthy? Lol). Is it possible you’d do better on your own at your apartment? You wouldn’t have to see this ex TOO often unless you decided to strike up a friendship, and maybe in the years that have passed, he has changed. He doesn’t have to know what you’re going through. Stick to small talk, “Oh wow, small world. How are you? Good? Me too. See you around!”

That sounds like an easier situation to deal with than the one at home, but you’re the one living through it so you’d know better than me! But try to remind yourself that no matter which you choose, it was YOUR decision (be empowered by that), and make the best of it. You deserve that. Don’t let others rain on your parade. Live your life and do what you have to do. 

Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2016, 06:35:44 am »

[Buddie]

Hi […],

There is no judgement here. We are all in this together and we all have family junk to deal with. I really don’t know what to say about your living situation, but would have to agree with […]. You have to live your life for yourself and be happy with who you are. Never mind what others have to say about your choices, they are just that, YOUR choices and they need to respect that.

Make a life for you and your dog, if that’s what you want. It sounds really good to me. You would have freedom and wouldn’t have to be in a negative atmosphere. Plus you would be able to calm down enough to get on with your taper. This site will be all the support you will need, it may even become your new family!

Good luck to you and I hope to see more of your postings.

~[…] 
« Last Edit: July 25, 2016, 10:01:41 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2016, 07:34:09 am »

[Buddie]

I am reading “Codependent No More” and it is helping with a ton of stuff… Seeing as you mentioned alcoholism and an ex that’s an ass and some poor treatment in general I thought I’d throw that out there. It’s empowering, the book. Whether chemical or compulsive addictions are factors in those around you or not- I think it’s an important book for all kinds of reasons.

I also recommend ” Boundaries ” by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

They have all kinds of books like ” Safe People ” and others that could help you navigate this sort of treachery.

You don’t sound negative at all to me… Also, Al-anon helps me, personally- I’ve had NPD spectrum individuals in my life, I think we all do. Definetely get wise about Narcissism, Sociopathy and such… If you aren’t self-educated in that area yet, please do some research. My eyes were opened wide- I had no idea until I had survived an over seven year relationship with a psychopath… And I am not exaggerating. It took a while to find the pieces of that puzzle and put them together- now I know, for life, what some people actually can be, at their core.

That’s not negativity or paranoia, that’s survival.

I also agree with […] and […]… And on this note I happen to have one last book to recommend – ” The Gift of Fear “

Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2016, 10:00:24 pm »

[Buddie]

Thank you all. I really mean it. I will take everything you’ve said to heart. Right now I’m in crisis mode I just had a legit physical confrontation with my dad. My mom took off. I’m hiding in my room because I’m frozen. I have so much stuff to get to my house, and no energy. My dad is known for taking stuff so it makes me even more worried to leave anything which I know is nuts I shouldn’t worry about material things I just feel so insecure.

I just called my psych dr’s office but was told “that the computers are down”, what ever that means so I dont know if they’ll call me today.

I worried I’m going to end up in the psych ward and have to leave my dog. She is super attached separation anxiety puppy.

I know im not acting totally normal, really having a lot of rage but then I’ll feel like it’s justified because I think they all could be a lot more decent to me and stop making it about them.

They keep saying Im making everything about me but I havent even talked to my brother or dad other than that dinner so how can that be possible?

My memory really sucks maybe ive complained more to other people than ive realized.

I cant believe my mom, i am most disappointed i her, but she wasnt handling life very well when my dad’s alcoholism was the only problem.

Maybe I need to go to inpatient, ive never been this out of control, throwing shit because I can handle being screamed at.

I really hate that they make me question my sanity, because I know its not all true but then I dont know what is.

Its like my mom thinks because Im mad she didnt stick up for me and told my trouble-making uncle all this crap, well she always blames the medicine.

Im so self conscious because I dont know what Im doing wrong that ive even stopped talking to my only friend because I cant handle possible judgement and embarrassment of being crazy.

I think I was already a little ptsd before any of this and im worried i’ll never get the image of my dad come at me out of my head.

Ive wanted to get out of here but Ive been sleeping so much and i havent had the energy to go get groceries, put in my ac, etc. i cant even get into the damn bathroom to take a shower because someone is always in there. So i feel really bad about myself.

Now the only vehicle is gone again. When did my family turn to white trash. I almost think I was due to “lose it” after all that ive dealt with the last few yrs.
so here i am “making it about myself ” again. Sorry, im freaking suffering. I put off doing this taper because I could never count on stability. Now I have no choice and Im screwed. It feels like a nightmare I cant get out of. I told my dad he was a terrible father and i feel really bad about that.

I cant handle confrontation, this is the second time in a few days ive reacted by throwing and nreaking stuff. Is this from the withdrawl or am I just nuts?

I do feel like Im not completely understanding everything going on around me, like how people could have been so pissed to act that way in the first place if i was being super “negative”. If they think im really crazy then they think thats how they should act toward someone mentally ill? I cant say anything to get through to my mom. I did call both her and my brother out for some minor legit crappy behavior towards me (which normally i would put up with in order to avoid all hell breaking loose).

I dont think my relationships will ever come back from this. I just want to move away to another state with more sun like Ive planned to for years. I cant even get across town.

This no car thing is bs, im on disability but only getting ssi which is barely enough to cover rent.

I’d call a cab but i really need to shower and and i have too much stuff. My dad is here without my mom so he’d probably do God knows what to my room. I dont even care i just want peace and to be left alone, thats all ive been saying to them. Do i sound whiny, nuts, self absorbed? For real Im asking. I cant even tell.

I guess i am just really awful to be around, i dont know i feel like a sometimes im in more of a joking funny mood than anyone around me. But they ignore that.
My life was never like this growing up. I cant believe any of this. Im so upset.

Re: Need advice on living situation, mental state, family jerks. Hot mess express.
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2016, 10:11:17 pm »

[Buddie]

Im really strong normally but I dont think I can make it through withdrawl. Im also super nervous this could get much worse in the next week when i start pms’ing…depression is always worse. Really cant hang on if its worse. This mood stuff has been worse than anything thing ive ever had before

Ashton taper pushes mother over the edge

Almost out of control situation, PLEASE HELP
« on: July 07, 2016, 04:29:54 am »

[Buddie]

friends , today i experienced a situation that i never had before, My mom even before all that was already more or less exalted with every situation ,exalted i say more or less histeric, so now she been on recovery for 5 months, and most of the days she get histeric, today the situation went out of control, i dont know what to do, she got histeric for more or less 6 hours non stop, and im quiet in relation to it , so i hold up , hold up , hold up , and this is every day , but today it went very very bad , she went histeric for 6 hours , and its in relation , to the mess on the apartment that she could not stow, i was holding up , but more or less i lost it , …. i did almost jump out of the window , because of the stress. she do not do this on the street , just in home. i dont know what to do, i know that tomorrow it will be the same , wake up , histeric reaction , miostrly related with stowling things , much stress in the morning . than we probably will get out to lunch , when we wentt home , probably another histeric reaction , and so on , i want to get out of here , and stay n another place that she will not have to look to the mess thtat the apartment is . where do we go ? im feeling so ashame because of today , the neighbours , i feel that i cant look tho them face no more

DESCENT INTO MADNESS

Mad in America: One psych hospital escapee caught, other still on lam


One dangerous man who’d escaped a Washington state psychiatric hospital is now back in custody. But the man he fled with — who’d been committed after being charged with murder — remains on the loose, and a real threat to anyone in his path.

The arrest of 58-year-old Mark Alexander Adams in Des Moines, a city about 15 miles south of downtown Seattle, was cause for relief among police in Lakewood, where Western State Hospital sits.

Still, the fugitive with an even more horrific track record remains on the lam.

That fugitive, Anthony Garver, was first caught in the summer of 2013 for allegedly tying a woman to a bed with electric cords, then stabbing her to death.

Both Garver and Adams had been ruled not competent to stand trial.

Pair ‘got a considerable head start’

Both Garver and Adams had been committed for mental illness treatment to Western State, described on its website as “one of the largest psychiatric hospitals west of the Mississippi” with more than 800 beds.

The two been seen in that medical facility’s dining hall around 6 p.m. Wednesday, according to Lakewood police.

They weren’t noticed missing until about 1½ hours later after having gotten out — likely through a loose window, which roommates told police was manipulated over five months to open enough to escape from, according to Lakewood police spokesman Chris Lawler.

From there, Garver and Adams apparently walked off together.

“They got a considerable head start,” Lawler told CNN affiliate KIRO-TV in Seattle.

Adams took a bus from Lakewood to Federal Way, Washington, arriving there around 10:30 p.m. and asking about how to get to Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, police said on Facebook. Lawler credited a tipster who’d seen media coverage of the escape with spurring authorities to check surveillance footage from there.

“That makes it very difficult to run, when the public is paying attention,” the police spokesman told reporters Thursday.

Considered not competent to stand trial

The two men had been at Western State Hospital since February 2015, but they’d been on authorities’ radar long before then.

Adams was arrested for second-degree assault/domestic violence in 2014 for choking someone, according to Lawler.

And the 28-year-old Garver — who sometimes uses the last name Burke — was wanted on several outstanding authorities in July 2013 when he was charged with murder in the killing of Phillipa S. Evans-Lopez, 20.

Detectives linked Garver to the woman’s death based on evidence from the scene and surveillance video footage showing the two of them together in the days before her death, according to the Snohomish County, Washington, Sheriff’s Office.

Lawler, the Lakewood police spokesman, said Garver has ties to Spokane. But it’s not known if went there, which is why authorities all around the have been cued in to the case.

He urged the public to be on alert but not to try to approach Garver.

“If you just look at the crime itself,” Lawler said of Evans-Lopez’s killing, “obviously, we don’t want someone who has done something like that free.”

Benzo Buddies member asks cult to brainwash parents

I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« on: February 24, 2016, 02:14:09 pm »

[Buddie]

Idk if its a good idea for maybe a moderator from this site to email my mom, ive been so out of alternatives that i need some help at least on getting my parents back to support me..

My crazy pdoc says i could never have wd from 2 weeks 5 mg ct ativan, even though i had been in protracted wd of klonopin before (i was once on chemical dependency, he should know chemical dependency is for life)

Now he says i have a personality disorder thats hysteria, and that all sxs im feeling (phyisical and mental) are psychological and being made by me. He says only therapy can treat me.

I needed someone with age, with good sources, who could rationally email my father or mother and explain to them that benzo wd exists, that im suffering, and that im not hysterical just bc some doc who got me addicted to benzos says i am when he cant deal with what hes done.

Thank you guys in advance, i really think this might work a lot for me..

Re: I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2016, 03:37:45 pm »

[Buddie]

Sorry you aren’t getting support from your family. Must be very frustrating and saddening. I cannot give much advice other than to show your parents everything on this site— the protracted members talk a lot about thier ongoing symptoms so that would be a good start. Have they ever looked at any of the online resources like the ashton manual? Pick out a few success stored written by bb members who suffered for a long time. I was never a sad or depressed person before benzos. I’ve been off of them for nearly 6 months and they still continue to ruin my life. It’s torment and the public, especially our family members, need to know this! You can also join beating benzos on Facebook if you need additional support. There has been many articles written by survivors that aim to educate families affected by benzo withdrawals.

Re: I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2016, 03:43:36 pm »

[Buddie]

Have your parents read this from an addiction doctor in Toronto. Your Brazilian psych should have his license revoked.

http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/benzodiazepine.htm

Re: I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2016, 04:07:28 pm »

[Buddie]

You kindled on the atvain ! Because u all ready had prorated withdrawal and then reinstated that’s why u feel worse . Your brain is like an elephants it remembers the bad pathways from before .
I did the same with only 1 week of zopiclone.

Re: I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2016, 04:34:34 pm »

[Buddie]

What does the therapy entail? I would be inclined to go with it so long as I didn’t have to take any drugs. Make that part of the agreement. At some point you might have to stop swimming against the current. Just bide your time in therapy.

Put the ball back in their court.

At the same time, unless you have life threatening symptoms, I wouldn’t be badgering your physician too much anymore. If you do what most of us do, you’ll go to the doctor and get tested for an ailment. Then you’ll be told the test come back fine. Sometimes they may say, hey you should take xyz medication for this symptom. A classic example of this is beta blockers for tachycardia that some of us get. That might be in your best interest to follow the physicians advice there.

Just stress that if they think therapy is fine, then a good therapist should be able to do this without psych drugs if the patient doesn’t want drugs.

Re: I need someone to talk to my parents about benzo wd..
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2016, 05:51:55 pm »

[Buddie]

I know you are desperate for some help […], but draw upon your own reserves and take the advice of those who posted. We wish for everyone to remain anonymous here on the forum and not share person information such as email addresses.

Try to get your parents to read, there is so much they can learn just by reading.

[…] 

Anti-psychiatry zealot conspires with Benzo Buddies ghouls to destroy brother with epilepsy

Helping my Brother (Intro)
« on: February 16, 2016, 06:37:15 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi: I live in Vancouver, and one of your admins started a weekly (2nd Weds of each month) benzo withdrawal support group. I have helped the group secure a free place at the Unitarian Church where I am a member. We had our first meeting last week.

My big brother has been on an astounding cocktail of psych meds for the last 25 years or so, stemming mostly from a brain injury incurred after surgery to remove a benign frontal lobe tumor, though he also has epilepsy.

Through my direction, and approval from his psychiatrist, he is slowly tapering off Olanzapine. He is also taking Clonazepam. He has a lot of trouble being organized, and is on disability in another city in Canada. Here are the meds he is currently on:

Divalproex 3X250 mg. noon & 5Xat 6 PM
Carbamazepine CR 600 mg. AM & 9:30 PM
Primidone 250 mg. AM & 9:30 PM
Olanzapine 10 mg. AM & 9:30 PM
Clonazepam 7.5 mg. AM & 10mg PM
Metformin Hydrochloride 1000 mg. AM & 6:00 PM
Atorvastatin 40 mg. AM
Diamicron MR (Gliclazide) 60 mg. AM
ASA 81 mg. AM

He has a long way to go. And now I want to cry. Preparing this, I went back to the list of meds he sent me in August 2014, and nothing has tapered (I’ll ask him about that) but his Clonazepam went from 2.0 mg/day to 7.5 mg.

His speech is more slurred than ever.

Not sure if you need confirmation of his consent for me to ask questions on his behalf, he has problems following discussion boards and such.

But maybe I can suggest that his doctor supervise his taper off clonazepam.

Sorry, this was supposed to be short 🙂 Thank you.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2016, 07:57:56 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Helping my Brother (Intro)
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2016, 06:50:59 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello […],

Welcome to Benzo Buddies and thank you for being here on behalf of your brother, he is lucky to have you as an advocate.

Yes, your brother is on a lot of medications including a huge dose of clonazepam. It’s no wonder your dear brother has trouble following discussions, he is extremely medicated. I must admit that I don’t know a lot about many of the other medications your brother is taking but others here might be able to share information and experience about them.

I would hope that your brother’s doctor would be willing to help your brother with a sensible, slow taper. Many doctors favor really large cuts that can bring on some strong withdrawal effects. Since your brother does have epilepsy, it is important to make sure he is monitored by his health care team.

It will take a while to taper from such a high dose of clonazepam, but it can be done. It is generally suggested to taper no more than 5-10% every 10-14 days. I’m going to give you a link to the Ashton Manual, an excellent resource about these types of drugs and how to withdraw. It was written by an expert in the field. You might even consider printing out the appropriate pages and taking them to your brother’s doctor.

I’ll also give you a link to the General Taper Plans for additional information.

If you have questions about the other medications your brother is taking, you can post on the Other Medications board.

We’ll be here to support you and your brother. Perhaps as time progresses and his cognitive abilities improve, he would consider joining the forum himself. Please ask questions, we’re here to help.

The Ashton Manual

General Taper Plans

Other Medications

BTW, none of the admins of the forum set up a benzo withdrawal group, it might have been a regular member who took this on.

[…] 

Re: Helping my Brother (Intro)
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2016, 07:57:12 pm »

[Buddie]

Thank you […]. This will be a long process. And it’s hard not being in the same city. I’ll talk to him and find out what he feels like doing. He was supposed to be reducing his Olanzapine (anti-psychotic) by 10% per month, but he seems to be on the same dose. He was working with his pharmacist, who was reducing the dosage, with the “permission” of his psychiatrist.

I had no idea which med would be the best to reduce, maybe I’ll ask on the board for people taking multiple meds, but I am shocked, saddened, angry that in 2.5 years his Clonazepam went from 2.0 to 7.5 mg/day.

Thank you for the links too. Maybe I misunderstood, but the support group facilitator is someone who has tapered off benzos, and benzobuddies was very helpful (I don’t know her username).

Benzo Buddies maniac gets hauled to psych ward for 2 weeks after biting through IV

Re: Angry
« Reply #19 on: May 06, 2014, 02:24:32 pm »

[Buddie]

BB’s,

There is so much on this thread that resonates with me. First the memories of the trauma that can bring on severe symtoms. I was on .5mg of K for 3 years and I reached tolerance, was experiencing lots of panic attacks, big one last Halloween while I was walking with my son to go trick or treating, ambulance had to come and get me the whole 9 yards. My son was so scared. He was bummed that mom had to get sick on the best night of the year, etc. I wanted out. I was so tired of being on this drug that was a misdiagnosed script to begin with! The doctor who prescribed it to me told me to just stop. No big deal, your on a low dose anyway….BOOM all hell broke lose, I went MAD – sent my son to school on the bus and overdosed. Woke up 15 hours later in the ER with my sister crying beside my side, rubbing my back, I didn’t know why I was there. It didn’t work!!!! The meds where screwing with my mind so bad I just wanted to die. I bit through the IV, blood all over my face, the bed, screaming at the nurses…I was of course sent to the phych ward for 2 weeks. My poor son scared to death, where is my mommy??????  His dad died the previous year…the docs experimented with me like a lab rat, this drug, that drug…it was pure hell. They kept chasing every ssri or something else with ativan to calm me down. I suggested just the ativan and nothing else…I became stable and when I was able to go home I was sick, depressed, crying all the time, shaking, every symtom we have all read about over and over. After the uptenth time visit to the hospital a nurse practitioner took one look at me and said you are on the wrong medication, we need to get you off. THANK GOD FOR HER. She is still helping with my taper…

Point to my story is when I think about that day I OD I cry, the years that have been stolen from my life, all the pain and suffering, my son. I lost the love of my life in this benzo w/d, he left me last week. He just can’t deal. He doesn’t know what part of this is the real me or the drugs…we didn’t have a lot time together before I started benzo. Some will say I’m better off and maybe…but I’ll never know if I was healthy how we could have been together because I can’t forgive him for leaving me when I needed him most. But I wouldn’t be this sick if it wasn’t for the benzos!!!!! Is this my cross to bare? Why me? Why you? Why all of us? Im so tired of telling my son, I can’t mommy is sick. Boy does he hear that a lot. I can’t wait to be able to do more with him. He sees me when I am well and we do so much together, I try to make up for lost time in those moments.

I’m sorry if I got off track. But benzo free. YES we are all heading in that direction. I can’t wait but know I have to be patient. I know that it will be hard years after I jump. I just got the common cold this week and THAT alone caused a seriously bad wave for days. very bad. just from a cold. SO SAD. Will I ever be normal again? What is normal? I was so healthy before benzos….it angers me so.

Cheers to us all for being strong, brave and riding the hellish wave together.

Love and healing to us all.
[…]