Angry addict’s rage puts two-year old at risk

Extreme Rage/Anger
« on: September 11, 2017, 10:23:00 am »

[Buddie]

I have this constant rage or anger where I just want to start screaming or punching walls. It lasts almost all day. I have zero patience with anything/anyone. Can anyone relate/validate this for me? When did it subside for you? I have a 2 year old daughter and I get so frustrated way to easily.

I need reassurance 

Re: Extreme Rage/Anger
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2017, 10:30:00 am »

[Buddie]

deep massage in the liver

it went away with time for me

Re: Extreme Rage/Anger
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2017, 03:05:03 pm »

[Buddie]

I’ve been having this on and off during my taper. It is very hard to not actually get very angry at something for me. I think the longest it lasted was two weeks but it seems to keep coming and going for me.

Klonopin eater goes on hate-filled doctor-bashing rant

Is the System evil or ignorant?
« on: September 01, 2017, 10:44:05 pm »

[Buddie]

Is anyone else ANGRY at the doctor who turned you into a drug addict? I submit that most doctors ignorantly believe if patients take their meds as prescribed, there won’t be any issues. Here’s the problem: Your brain doesn’t give a flying f%@$ about US law or what your doctor thinks. All it knows is that it’s regularly been influenced by a powerful psychoactive and it wants more. We’re every bit as much an addict as anyone else, and our addiction can actually kill if you just stop taking it. It also creates the longest and most horrific withdrawal known to man. (I’ve confirmed this with heroin addicts, alcoholics, meth addicts, anyone who has been through a withdrawal). Heroin addicts feel sorry for me! No one is taking responsibility for ruining lives by the million in the name of the almighty dollar.

Pharmaceutical companies send hot girls to doctors offices to persuade them to hand out their drugs. Wtf?! Our society is so brainwashed by the DSM-V, thinking about which acronym fits them because life sucks sometimes for everyone but there has to be something wrong with you. ADHD, OCD, PTSD, GAD, MDD…choose a f@$!ing acronym so you can become a lifetime customer.

We’ve all gone through he’ll because our doctor’s either didn’t know or didn’t care what they were doing. Our society gives so much reverence to doctors…we trust them implicitly because they went to med school. My doctor literally opened Web MD when prescribing my klonopin. They’re not f@$&ING special, they’re human beings just like anyone. They are succeptible to greed and the powers that be are so god damned cocky they don’t even attempt to hide the fact that the people we trust with our health are being bribed by drug companies. Doctors who prescribe things they don’t understand have betrayed the public trust and should be dealt with accordingly. They’re drug dealers…in every sense of the word. We have a war on drugs that imprisons people for smoking a plant while the system were supposed to trust is getting us hooked on the drugs they can profit from.

Anyone who has suffered as I have suffered must surely feel the same injustice. I got out of the military after serving honorably for 6 years…I told my doctor I didn’t feel quite right. Then I was a drug addict. Klonopin took everything in my life. I barely survived it….and that piece of shit probably did the same thing to someone today.

No one should ever go through what I’ve been through. Helping people who are suffering with hope and advise is great, but shouldn’t we be doing something to stop the system that put us here? The average person has no idea what a benzo is…if they tell their doctor they’ve been anxious lately, chances are they’re gonna join our ranks. How do we save those people?

Benzo Buddies maniac shrieks doctors deserve a bullet between the eyes

Re: I'VE LITERALLY LOST EVERYTHING DUE TO CLONOPIN WITHDRAWAL / RECOVERY
« Reply #25 on: December 20, 2016, 04:46:50 am »

[Buddie]

Same here.
I am currently so full of anger that Clonazepam took so many years(11 and counting) of my life. F*cking psychiaters and f*cking Roche. I want to sue them, but I feel like it would be useless, since there is nothing they can give me that gives me back all those years.

I have a beautiful son, but I feel dead, felt like that for the last 7-8 years or so. I want to be present for him. I hate the idiots who did this to me. Sorry for the foul language, but it would be crazy to
feel different, even while it’s negative.

Re: I'VE LITERALLY LOST EVERYTHING DUE TO CLONOPIN WITHDRAWAL / RECOVERY
« Reply #26 on: December 20, 2016, 11:59:08 am »

[Buddie]

No need to apologize for the language..NO NEED AT ALL. What has been done to us is quite simply a crime against humanity. It is only natural and perfectly appropriate to be ENRAGED!! Yes, anger episodes are part of withdrawal/recovery, but any rational/thinking human being would respond with utter disbelief and rage after being so gravely damaged by a chemical suggested to us by a doctor and PERSCRIBED by a doctor. Think about that for a second. A trained (12 to 16 yrs of medical training) medical professional (neurologist, psychiatrist, m.d.) is literally telling you that you have something wrong with you and that they want to put you on something that will help you. Something that is more neurotoxic and damaging to the brain than crack, cocaine, alcohol and heroin COMBINED!!! AND THEY ARE CLUELESS TO THIS REALITY!! AND EVEN WORSE, SOMETIMES THEY NO DARN WELL HOW NEUROTOXIC BENZOS ARE AND STILL THEY PRESCRIBE THEM !!! THAT IS CRIMINAL BEHAVIOUR! !!…PERIOD!!

It amazes me that ANYONE ever makes it through this!!! Because benzos damage the encoding function in the brain, along with short and long term memory, you literally are trying to figure out and fight your way through the most despicable and relentless torture known to man WITHOUT the one thing you desperately MUST have to make it through – YOUR BRAIN!!! NONE of your thoughts can be trusted while going through this!! And YOU HAVE NO IDEA about any of this. Everything you do or […] stands a good chance of being wrong because your brain is simply to damaged to help you or to be trusted. And even the best Neurologists at esteemed university hospitals are utterly clueless. WVU Hospital, Johns Hopkins and Pittsburgh University Hospital – TOTALLY CLUELESS ONE AND ALL !!!!

But every Tom, Dick and Harry in any medical facility or rehab knows exactly how to take somebody off of cocaine, opiate pain killers, heroin, crack or alcohol!!! IT IS AMAZING THAT THEY CAN WITHDRAWAL PEOPLE OFF OF ANY STREET DRUG OR BOOZE WITH SCIENTIFIC PRECISION. YET NOT ONE F**KING CLUE ON HOW TO TAKE SOMEONE OFF BENZOS OR HOW PROFOUNDLY DAMAGED A BENZO PATIENT IS. IT’S UNCONTIONABLE AND UNACCEPTABLE.

If an over the counter med like Tylenol or Zantac was causing stomach or GI problems there would be national outrage, recalls and law suits up the ying yang. Yet benzos are semi permanently damaging people’s brains and not a peep from the medical community, consumer advocacy groups, the legal community or the Government!!! In my opinion, the doctors and drug companies responsible for this should be sued for BILLIONS…stripped of all their posessions, shunned, abandoned and forced to spend the rest of their lives volunteering for those they have so profoundly injured and destroyed. OR A bullet between the eyes would work too. (just kidding…I would never advocate such a thing..at least not publicly)

We are literally trained to seek a qualified professional when confronting physical or mental issues. We trust these people for God’s sake!! So its no surprise that millions of us end up walking right into the throws of chemical dependency (not addiction..and yes there’s a huge difference) and unimaginable suffering and loss. In fact, in my case I was vehemently against pills of any kind…period. The doctor spent a lot of time convincing me that I had an anxiety problem (yeah..it’s called managing 1.8 billion dollar marketing budget through the biggest economic crisis since the great depression) called General Anxiety Disorder and I had to take this little pill…much like a diabetic needs to manage their diabetes. Yes…the idiot broke out the old faithful diabetes scenario to sell me on taking clonazepam!!

I’ve spent weeks months and date I say years learning all I can about benzos and the damage they cause and the long term prognosis post benzos. And I can tell you that the receptors (GABA) destroyed in our brains DO REGENERATE. BUT the new receptors are much more frail and will NEVER be as effective and durable as the ones we are born with. So YES you will recover BUT NO YOUR BRAIN WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. 10 years from now if you have a stiff drink or a glass of wine or a flouroquinalin antibiotic etc you can and probably will end up right back in benzo withdrawal.

If you are taking benadryl. ..STOP. if you are taking sleepy time tea or st johns wort or any other natural supplement – STOP. If you are taking lyrica or neurotin…STOP. If you are taking antipsychotics to help with benzo withdrawal. ..ABSOLUTELY STOP (especially perphenezine and any in the perphenezine family). if you are taking NSAIDS like aleve, aspirin, advil, etc – STOP. Tylenol only. No caffiene and no chocolate. Pretty much any medication a doctor tried to give you to help you through this can and probably will hurt you. BELIEVE ME I’VE LIVED IT. Each time you reinstate you shock and more profoundly damage your brain. Therefore each withdrawal is more complex, more symptoms, exponentially more intense and longer/harder. This is a phenomenon known as “kindling.” Its very common in alcoholism (alcoholic damaged brain) and benzos.

Your best bet is to taper for YEARS if you have to. Trust me a very very very slow taper is the way to go. Go to Ashton Manual, Recovery – Road.org and Benzo WithdrawalHelp by Dr. Jennifer Leigh and LEARN ALL YOU CAN AND STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITALS AND DOCTORS. THEY ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HELP YOU

Ashton taper pushes mother over the edge

Almost out of control situation, PLEASE HELP
« on: July 07, 2016, 04:29:54 am »

[Buddie]

friends , today i experienced a situation that i never had before, My mom even before all that was already more or less exalted with every situation ,exalted i say more or less histeric, so now she been on recovery for 5 months, and most of the days she get histeric, today the situation went out of control, i dont know what to do, she got histeric for more or less 6 hours non stop, and im quiet in relation to it , so i hold up , hold up , hold up , and this is every day , but today it went very very bad , she went histeric for 6 hours , and its in relation , to the mess on the apartment that she could not stow, i was holding up , but more or less i lost it , …. i did almost jump out of the window , because of the stress. she do not do this on the street , just in home. i dont know what to do, i know that tomorrow it will be the same , wake up , histeric reaction , miostrly related with stowling things , much stress in the morning . than we probably will get out to lunch , when we wentt home , probably another histeric reaction , and so on , i want to get out of here , and stay n another place that she will not have to look to the mess thtat the apartment is . where do we go ? im feeling so ashame because of today , the neighbours , i feel that i cant look tho them face no more

Benzo Buddies lunatic rages at Roche Pharmaceuticals

I am Fuming right now after a call with Roche pharmaceuticals
« on: June 02, 2016, 07:15:05 pm »

[Buddie]

So I just called Roche Pharmaceuticals, the company that produces/makes Klonopin. I explained to them that I am going to be tapering off Klonopin and wanted some advice. They WOULD NOT help me and could care less when I told them some of the discontinuation effects that klonopin has on people. They told me it was out of their control and they also could not help with a taper plan. I explained to them that my doctor did give me a taper plan that was a little too rapid for me in the past and I am preparing and I just wanted a second opinion before I started my taper. I told them I was calling them for a second opinion since they make the pills and know how the pills are chemically produced. The answer was exactly as the “I’M SORRY, WE CANNOT HELP YOU”. Anyway, if I ever doubted benzobuddies in the past, now I really don’t. You were all right from the beginning. Doctor’s pharmaceutical companies and all the rest of them are completely helpless and useless. I guess it is up to us to be our own doctors and just help our selves and hope for the best. Sorry, I just needed to vent. ROCHE PHARMACEUTICALS are pure evil!!!!!!

Mentally ill Benzo Buddies member feels like hurting strangers

Comments by JB:
There you go.. perfect example. And this guy has lethal weapons, training, AND is indiscriminate in who he unleashed his temper on?
He’s refusing to take their ‘poison’, yet he’s becoming a real danger to others by NOT taking it?
Let’s see how many buddies do the sane thing and advise him to keep taking the med that’s keeping others safe while he gets help!
If thinks the VA docs don’t know what they’re doing, but to me they seem to know he’s dangerous and are medicating him accordingly!!
God help the people around him because he’s heading towards killing someone once the forum convince him he’s doing the right thing!!

Full of rage and anger while tapering off of Clonazepam
« on: May 25, 2016, 04:41:24 am »

[Buddie]

Have been so full of rage and anger while tapering off of Clonazepam after 23 years of taking it. I yell at coworkers and loved ones. I hate the way I feel. Got to love the VA. Don’t talk to them. Just medicate them. They probably will be happy I will save them money while getting off meds. Hell 22 Veterans kill themselves every day. I’m nothing but a number to them. I got more information from benzo buddies about how to get off this poison than all those useless people making six figures working for the VA have given me.

Re: Full of rage and anger while tapering off of Clonazepam
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2016, 04:54:11 am »

[Buddie]

Hey- I just wanted to say the VA put me in this situation too and I am also a veteran if you need someone to talk to. They know very little about withdrawal effects so I’ve found it best to talk to people on this board more than what I tell my doctor. They would just try to prescribe me more crap and I am done with taking anything they are giving!

Re: Full of rage and anger while tapering off of Clonazepam
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2016, 05:14:13 am »

[Buddie]

Hey. Thanks for answering. Yea I have gotten more information about my meds and how they effected my brain and what to expect during my taper and how to taper. Then the VA docs. They are useless drug pushers. Their poison steals your soul. I do not want shit to do with them. Once I’m free from their drugs I’m going off the grid. I don’t want to be around people anymore. Is it normal to be so angry during a taper? I feel like getting to fights with total strangers. It’s weird. I’m afraid to pack a piece and blade like I used to every day. I don’t trust myself. Like I’m a powder keg. I hate feeling like this. I just start cussing people out. Like I can’t control it.

Re: Full of rage and anger while tapering off of Clonazepam
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2016, 06:26:13 am »

[Buddie]

I’m so sorry you had to go through all this and still do. Thank you for serving… I am so sorry to hear you have been so I’ll treated. I would feel so angry too. This is all too insane. Good for you getting off of this. I can’t even imagine 23 years. I’m sick that greed has caused you all this pain. I want not to complain ever again. I can’t even begin to imagine how betrayed you must feel. I am deeply sorry you have had to go through all this. I pray the anger subsides and you are gifted a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Benzo Buddies members threaten to murder Big Pharma exec

Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« on: January 23, 2016, 06:13:51 pm »

[Buddie]

I can’t believe it…..at 10.30 nearly a fight in US. 

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2016, 06:30:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Best video ever…..[…] got it from ITV London.

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2016, 06:41:10 pm »

[Buddie]

Effing bastards….I can’t get over it, so angry

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2016, 07:05:33 pm »

[Buddie]

I am very angry too. I am so pleased that ITV has unearthed it from their archives.

I wish we could have a really good up-to-date documentary on this subject.

Have sent the video to various politicians, journalists etc in Scotland.

[…] 

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2016, 07:11:22 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on January 23, 2016, 07:05:33 pm
I am very angry too. I am so pleased that ITV has unearthed it from their archives.

I wish we could have a really good up-to-date documentary on this subject.

Have sent the video to various politicians, journalists etc in Scotland.

[…] 

Good find […]…..I’m still in shock about the golf course scene….
unbelievable, they should have called the cops.

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2016, 07:25:11 pm »

[Buddie]

UNBELIEVABLE!! This being uncovered in 1988………..freaking 28 yrs ago!! What a pompous arrogant prick that chairman of Wyeth was. Typical 

This just solidifies my suspicions and hatred of Ativan. Watching the vid brought back VERY vivid reminders of the horrible acute stage my wife went through after being directly crossed over to V from Ativan………….pure and absolute HELL!!!!

Thank you […] for this

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2016, 07:34:40 pm »

[Buddie]

Bunch of gangstas like I’ve always said…..at the golf course ?
Bagger off whilst you still have a chance…..thats underworld slang.

Give me a fucking break please…..I can’t believe it.         

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2016, 07:57:17 pm »

[Buddie]

Unbelievable… infiuriating … depressing… this was made in 1988, so it was already known how dangerous and addictive Ativan was then, and here we are in 2016 and doctors are still prescribing it and people are still getting addicted to it. Big pharma wins, and we all lose.

Watching this I wanted to be on that golf course – I’d shove that a**hole executive’s golf club up his f***ing a**.

Sorry about the language, but that scene made me so angry..

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2016, 08:02:32 pm »

[Buddie]

I think we would all like to do that but I expect he’s dead now!!!!

  

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2016, 08:05:49 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on January 23, 2016, 07:57:17 pm
Unbelievable… infiuriating … depressing… this was made in 1988, so it was already known how dangerous and addictive Ativan was then, and here we are in 2016 and doctors are still prescribing it and people are still getting addicted to it. Big pharma wins, and we all lose. Watching this I wanted to be on that golf course – I’d shove that a**hole executive’s golf club up his f***ing a**. Sorry about the language, but that scene made me so angry…

Yep , overhere they are prescribing Ativan like smarties….its criminal,
what a corrupted system….its so so crazy thats why nobody believes it….

Wish I was on that golf course with […]….no on second thoughts
rather with Mr. Glock….. 

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2016, 08:48:57 pm »

[Buddie]

Makes me wanna puke……….

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2016, 10:54:51 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on January 23, 2016, 07:11:22 pm
Quote from: [Buddie] on January 23, 2016, 07:05:33 pm
I am very angry too. I am so pleased that ITV has unearthed it from their archives.

I wish we could have a really good up-to-date documentary on this subject.

Have sent the video to various politicians, journalists etc in Scotland.

[…] 

Good find […]…..I’m still in shock about the golf course scene….
unbelievable, they should have called the cops.

That was an amazing video. Thank you so much for posting. As someone who did a cold turkey withdrawal from a large dose of Ativan this was really troubling, and boy that golf course scene…unbelievable to say the least. Well worth watching.

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2016, 04:14:29 am »

[Buddie]

28 YEARS LATER AND NO CHANGE WHATSOEVER – EVEN MORE PRESCRIPTIONS FOR ATIVAN ISSUED.

There is no justice when it comes to these very harmful drugs. Really sad, such a travesty.

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2016, 05:06:28 am »

[Buddie]

Unbelievable…but then again, it is all about money isn’t it.

It was far more important at the time, that he finish his golf game, then get right quick to cocktail hour in his mansion, than to honestly address the issues of hurting people, taking his toxic drug!

There really are no words for how sick it all is.  A few months back, there was no way I could have even watched this, because I was Ava. I cried just watching this old vid, because I knew that pain, I knew that anxiety and fear that made you feel you would lose your mind at any moment. It’s a flat out miracle that I got off that shit and survived that CT, just like many of you have and your all amazing!
That wd was inhumane and I thank God everyday for pulling me thru that terror. I am ashamed that mankind is willing to put money above human lives…its horrific.

Unbelievable to me that I am a year free now. Its like the first year is survival and realizing as you come out of it more and more, you survived, didn’t die and your brain and body are going to be ok once again. The second year, then becomes rebuilding your life. I’m still coping with, what THE HELL was that I just endured for the last year!

I had the opportunity today to share my story with some very close business associates and they all were either crying, or in total shock over such things going on. I feel somehow, someway, I will do what I can and when I can, to spread the news of this poison.

Ativan=Hell

Thank you or sharing this video, it validated me and also made me very angry and wanting to continue making a difference somehow with the knowledge I now have after this experience. My life will surely never be the same.


magic

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #14 on: January 24, 2016, 05:31:40 pm »

[Buddie]

I feel that you’re right, […]. There’s more and more talk about putting limits on sugary foods, more interest in the environment and climate change, more avenues for change in terms of health and well-being overall. The fact that just recently the NFL has finally, finally gotten a clue about concussions is good news (and the NFL has been in existence since the 1920s!). No more cigarette ads on TV. One day soon I hope to see drug commercials banned as well.

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #15 on: January 24, 2016, 06:05:44 pm »

[Buddie]

They cold turkeys her for two weeks n then sent her home to suffer there. Disgusting

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #16 on: January 24, 2016, 06:47:08 pm »

[Buddie]

I am in tears…
I cannot believe this. Absolutely criminal and inhumane.

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #17 on: January 25, 2016, 12:40:05 am »

[Buddie]

I feel so horrible for this lady. I’ve never taken Ativan and so glad I haven’t. I know all benzos are terrible but I’ve always thought Ativan was the worst. One can become addicted to it faster than other benzos.

Put that company’s president out of his misery.

Some people are born w/o a conscious. He is one of them. And that golf course scene? 
[…]

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #18 on: January 25, 2016, 01:32:42 am »

[Buddie]

I wonder if she ever managed to withdraw. Don’t suppose we will ever know now.

[…]  

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #19 on: January 25, 2016, 05:43:44 am »

[Buddie]

Remember this video was made in 1988 before anyone knew how to properly get off benzos. Dr Ashton’s groundbreaking work came later. Watching this video made me appreciate the incredible value of Ashton’s brilliant and wonderful work. We now know about tapering. In 1988 they had no clue.

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #20 on: January 25, 2016, 05:54:45 am »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on January 25, 2016, 05:43:44 am
Remember this video was made in 1988 before anyone knew how to properly get off benzos. Dr Ashton’s groundbreaking work came later. Watching this video made me appreciate the incredible value of Ashton’s brilliant and wonderful work. We now know about tapering. In 1988 they had no clue.

Unbelievable isn’t it ? Now I realize what an effort it must have been for
Ashton to complete her manual, bless the old Lady.

Re: Watch this video about Ativan....unbelievable !
« Reply #21 on: January 25, 2016, 02:58:58 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on January 25, 2016, 01:32:42 am
I wonder if she ever managed to withdraw. Don’t suppose we will ever know now.

[…]  

Yes, I wondered this as well. Is she still alive? Did she successfully get off this crap?
Who is she, and her age. I’ll assume she would be in her 80’s now if still alive. Poor woman

Five year taper not working out so well

No one respects me.
« on: January 03, 2016, 09:37:09 pm »

[Buddie]

The year is now 2016 so I’ve been tapering for five long hellish and never ending years. Some days so bad where I have to live min by min. Some days were I reach out to people because I fear I’m going to lose it and kill myself. I’m almost done with my taper even though it sure does not look or feel like it to me. I have been awake for 6 days without one wink of sleep. I’ve had insomnia before and I’d get an hour here or there to just have that. I tried many ways to ease it as well This time .. Lord almighty. The best part is that no one seems to care that I’m on the edge and I’m going to lose it. My mom is very knowledgable about the withdrawal process. My father read the books. Hell- if you knew someone that was awake for 6 days without withdrawal wouldn’t you just understand because you know what tired feels like? I live in nyc so it’s never quit but I also live in my parents basement that has no sound barriers. I’m right under the bathroom which is in constant rotation to welcome the 5 other people living in my small house. Today is day 6 of no sleep. I’m seeing blue dots in front of my eyes and I feel so hot when I breath. I don’t know if I’m awake or asleep or where my body and soul are. I will try to go upstairs to be around other things and get food because my room can feel like a prison in purgatory. I talk to my mom to try to see about people just being more considerate and it’s like I’m asking for the impossible. My sister sleeps right across from me and she is 23 and lives the party life. She gets home whenever she feels like it. 3 or 4 or 12noon. I need an hour or more of breathing nightly before I sleep to lower my rage and then I hear her stomping (she does not walk she stomps) through the house. I can hear the break fronts with the dishes tremble and then the door opens and slams and opens and slams. Then her shoes come flying down the stairs and she jumps in bed and bumps the wall all night. My hearing is so good right now I can hear someone breathing 2 rooms away and I’m not exaggerating. So imagine how shot my nerves are! I lay there holding back my rage all night in anticipation to hear her come home and just when I think she is staying out all night and I drift off BANG! Not to mention most of the time she is drunk and when I have to go through her bedroom to use the bathroom I trip over her stuff and get overpowered by some nasty smells of alcohol or pot. The other day I was crying in my bedroom and praying and she heard the whole thing. There were times when people asked me not to cry because it was annoying them and they would yell down the stairs .. I CAN HEAR YOU! Or they would walk to my bedroom to close the door in my face or they would bang on the wall. No one was like hey maybe if I stopped being so inconsiderate she might not cry. But yeah I’m not getting respect. Today is my sisters 18th birthday. I spent all night praying to just get a moment of sleep and the moment I drift off my mom starts cleaning the house for my sisters birthday dinner. The whole week went by and there where days were I was awake upstairs and mentally in check but when I’m down in my bedroom trying to sleep that when everyone has to do it all. My dad has his garage attached to the house and the wall between is thin too. So I spent the better half of an hour listening to his old cars engine turn over and over while my room smelt like gasoline. My dogs will bark for hours on end and I can actually hear people use the bathroom. Anyone can with any range of hearing but I can hear them use the toilet directly over my head. The shower squeaks on and off and on and off and bars of soap and shampoo are dropped that sound like mini bombs going off. iPhone music is on shuffle .. The neighbors kid is well into her 4th hour of screaming her head off while they teach the other kid how to sing and keyboard and then I hear chanting .. Their religious chanting with bells and horns and whistles and tongue clicks. Car alarms and sirens and the traffic on the express way overpass. ….. I think God hates me. Like I’m being dragged through the ultimate test in how far a person can be pushed before snapping. I know in my heart my taper would have been over a very very long time ago if people just saw me and tried in their smallest ways to even do something like take their heels off the hardwood. But I’m not worth it. The part that really gets me is that through all this I’m the bad guy. I’m the miserable angry sick negative being that’s ruined and ruins everyone’s day. I’m the one that needs to smile more and be happy. My mom (parents) blames me for ruining my sisters past 16th birthday party. Does anyone want to know why things happened? Well first off I’m going through what I am. I’m having a fall out with my sisters who had been cruel. I had horrible pms that week. My sister had her 16 the birthday party and there was no one even there .. The day before as a joke or an accident (I’ll never know) my older sister put filthy pencil shavings in my drinking glass and I almost swallowed them. Then they laughed. They LAUGHED! They knew. The birthday girl too. So when the topic came up at her birthday dinner and the laughing started.. I lost my sh*t and I cried and cursed. Then weeks later my father was like so “you think when you sister thinks back at her birthday she’ll think of good memories?” .. “No because you ruined your sisters birthday, admit it […] you managed to ruin it” so me being so tired to my core of hearing it I go “yes dad I did and I’m sorry.” I’ve been to therapists. I’ve talked and talked and talked and wrote and did breathing and everything to try to help me. I tried to talk to them but it’s hard when you ask for someone to admit to their flaws because when I bring up anything to my parents I get to hear about all my past mistakes that I want to keep buried. I get to hear how I was a slob, a loser and how I did things (plus I was trashed from pills so my actions were influenced) I’m 31 and I’m not that person anymore. I don’t appreciate being rehashed into my past hell because no one wants to act like civilized humans trying to live along side one another. It’s so much easier to tell me what I did instead of try to understand. All I ask from you guys is if you’ll pray for me. I have started scratching a hole in my scalp from my nerves and my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my skull and hit the floor. I feel like my body is making its own natural red bull adrenaline drink every hour and I pray that I have the patience to hold on till my next cut. Besides all this I do love my family. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself or anyone else but the fear of losing control and having a seizure or stop breathing is very real for me now. Before Christmas I was in the hospital and on top of ulcerative colitis on top of withdrawal or top of pms they gave me a one time steroid shot. I just want to cry and be held. I want my dead grandmother to come over to me and pick me off my floor and to hold me and say “sweetie. Hold on it’s going to be ok. It’s going to be ok” God I miss her so much everyday. All you guys on this forum. To all if you in your own special hell I think of you all every night. You are my strength.