Accidental addict gets arrested after getting wasted on booze and Xanax

Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« on: March 28, 2019, 03:53:13 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi Gang…I havnt posted in a while, I check the site from time to time. I need help/advice and this site has always been a good source of both. I will be brief and to the point….I am currently on 3mgs of Xanax per day. I tried to taper I tapered Librium in 2016, but failed. I have not increased my xanax for over a Year…but I Made a huge mistake of not realizing it had lost aot of its effect as tolerance set in, and so I combined alcohol Twice a week , every week to just escape the stress of Life. Well, I was cited for Physical Control, and have now been put on probation and have a court ordered Substance Abuse Assessment to be arranged within the Week, prior to a Pre-Trial Hearing in May. It has now been a full week since my last escape day using alcohol. I am feeling stressed…scared…cloudy and very little coping skills. I assume sooner or later my GP who writes my scripts will be involved in what has happened. Anyone faced something similiar and have any advice on a taper…hold stead…add an anti depressant…etc. Thank you in advance. I will adjust my Signature Line

Re: Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2019, 09:41:52 pm »

[Buddie]

Congrats on full week no alcohol, […]. Alcohol and benzo’s do not make good companions, they make things worse.

I’d try and hold steady if I were you. This at least, will keep one positive thing still in place. But really up to you.

I’d also talk to my doctor to at least have noted that you are not coping with “life” at the moment, it might assist your case.

I’m not suggesting that you have alcoholism […], only you can know that, but going to an AA meeting mightn’t be a bad idea either. You will find many people there who will offer you support and advice, and might even trigger you into thinking about your use of alcohol as a coping mechanism.

I no longer drink myself, and it is so much better.

Going to AA will also assist your case, though I hope you take your drinking seriously following this experience.

We can’t escape life with alcohol and other drugs […], and who would want to? Life can be good.

I used to go to AA years ago and it helped. They have a saying in AA which asks that people deal with “life, on life’s terms”. There is no escape in alcohol and other drugs, only further entrapment.

Hope everything works out well for you […]. Put yourself first this time, and think about others, too.

[…]

Edit: I come from Australia and do not know what being “cited for Physical Control”, means.
If it entails violence, even greater reason to examine your use of alcohol and other drugs. Many people in gaol today who can’t rememember being violent when under the influence of both.
Be aware.

D.

« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 09:57:23 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2019, 01:49:46 pm »

[Buddie]

Thanks for the reply. Physical Control means you are in a vehicle not driving, not started…but under the Influence. It is a fair law that allows Law enforcement to charge someone who may not be driving at that particulair minute…but you are in the Drivers Seat and therfore responsible for being under the influence. I realized after 20 plus Years of taking Benzos as prescribed that I have reached tolerance long ago. So I began to combine alcohol to escape briefly was has become a tough place in Life. I did this once or twice a Week….thankfully not anymore or I would have another problem with Alcohol withdrawl. One of my Main questions for the Site is what if any Impact will 20 Years of Benzo use have on the Judges decision on a sentence. I am in a place of Leadership in my Community and know that most will not understand the effects of 2 decades of Benzo use has on a person. I realize I am responsible. I should have dealt with this Benzo Dependancy a long time ago. I made some attempts but was unable to break free. Besides Support ….I was looking for insight by anyone on the Board who has brought up Benzo use for a Misdemenor Traffice Violation that is looked upon as pretty much the same as DUI.

Professional victims throw a pity party

Stop playing the victim role
« on: February 28, 2019, 06:56:44 pm »

[Buddie]

I am so frustrated right now, my ex partner told me to stop acting as a victim. This makes me so angry. She has no idea what the hell on earth we are experiencing every minute, hour of the day. My nerves are on fire, because people think we are acting. What is the definition “normal”?

I have stopped talking about it, but that only makes my anxiety worse. Any advice?

I can’t hide my symptoms under a pokerface any longer, they are too severe.

Re: Stop playing the victim role
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2019, 07:07:54 pm »

[Buddie]

They are not where you are. My grandsons and daughters are doing the same thing to me. They don’t think this is a big deal and it’s very hard on me especially at 70. Stupid GP gave me the Adivan in 2017. I started tapering in 2018. SO I was not on it long, but it’s really put me through hell. Lost 35lbs in one month. Scary to look at my body. They see it and IGNORE the obvious.

It is not happening to them so why and how could they comprehend or understand?

CONSIDER THE SOURCE! They don’t know………so don’t expect them to understand. Take your stand and you do what you know is best for you and what you have to do.

Forget about their attitudes. There is nothing you can do about it unless you make them take this medication and have it happen to them. That is the only way they will understand.

But it has happened to you and me………so we have to deal with it ourselves and get off this poison and help ourselves. DIG IN YOUR HEELS and stand up for yourself, or don’t talk to them about it. Just do whatever you have to do to get better. That is your first and foremost concern. The rest can be just IGNORED.

“I am the sickest person here”

Benzo lies? continued...
« on: November 06, 2018, 03:20:17 pm »

[Buddie]

As an aside here–I firmly believe that any or all of my thoughts could be lies. However, that seems irrelevant to me as I believe them. How is it helpful to know something is not true? If you believe it, it is true. Or am I missing something?

As a continuation to my thread yesterday, it was mentioned one particular lie was, “I am the sickest person here.”

I can prove that is true. There is no way anyone in recorded history has come on and off benzos as many times as me. I could not include really anything much in my signature. Here is a more complete timeline, although no way my memory could capture it all. When you’ve read this, you will all have to admit that I am doomed because it is known that after a rapid taper, which I did, the sxs last longer and are more intense. If you come on and off numerous times the sxs last longer and are more intense. I have come on and off more than 50 times. Nobody in the world has done that. I have read people’s sxs here last for years and they are not kindled. If that is the case then mine should last for decades. I am super kindled. Far beyond any of you. That is science, not benzo lies. Here is a timeline which is so long no one will read. Not even sure why I am posting here at all. Just want you all to agree I am unique and should cash in.

Timeline:

On .5mg. Klonopin from 1989 till 1995. Rapid 1 week taper inpatient.
On Klonopin again briefly following hospital. Not sure if I came on and off a few more times, but probably.
Off benzos but on and off various ADHD drugs and antidepressants, etc. fora few years.
On depakote (a GABA-ergic drug) from 1996-1998 (so was I ever really off benzos? Sort of.)
No benzos from 1998 till 2001. But during that time I was hellishly obsessive. Which makes me believe I never really healed and definitely won’t now since I am much worse now than then.
2001 I had ativan. On and off a bunch of times until 2004. Up to 20mg. at a time. Rapid taper inpatient. Afterwards, 22 rounds of ECT (during which they give you diprivan and probably midazolam I am guessing).
No benzos from 2004 till 2007 or so. I think.
No idea how many times between 07 and now that I have come on and off, but I ordered a whole bunch of times from Indian pharmacies and got my mother’s prescriptions and would taper myself off of them and on and off over and over again. I also had Carisopradol and ambien a bunch of times. I would go months without anything, then back on again.

Enter 2017. I started slow taper. Could not hack it after 6 months.

I went to Virginia. Did rapid flumazenil taper. Been off for over 70 days now.

My point here is that I am scientifically, absolutely the sickest person in the most terrible position that has ever happened. There is no way anyone here or who has ever lived has come on and off as many times as me, at as high a dose as me or who has cold turkied and rapid tapered as many times. No way, don’t believe you.

In short, I am doomed.

These sxs will last for 30 years and will continue to be a living nightmare. They are never going to let up and they will increase in intensity until the day I die. FACT.

No way you could prove me wrong.

And as extra evidence that I am doomed, even if you did, my obsession wouldn’t allow me to believe you. My mind is gone. I don’t exist. I am only this. Forever.

Benzo Buddies hags claw each other’s eyes out fighting over who has it worse

Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« on: July 08, 2018, 06:14:25 pm »

[Buddie]

I always thought I was a strong person, until this experience with Benzos. I’ve been clinging to the edge of my strength and sanity since 9/2016. {I don’t have a sig up because I’m too traumatized to recount the details of my doctor forced CT}. The level of suffering has morphed from vomiting daily for a year every morning, into unbelievable head and neck pain, into severe dizziness and confusion. Amongst 100 other symptoms. Seems the layers to this never end. I’m questioning is it worth the suffering, when all I experience is a shift from nightmare to another. Without any light and hope. My goal has been to get to tolderable, just tolerable! And, I feel as though I’m going backwards, daily. The strain this has put on not only myself, husband (who bailed when I was in tolerance and didn’t know it, haven’t seen him in 3yrs), my beautiful children, and elderly parents has been unconchinable.

Does it truly get better? Or, is it really just some that are genetically luckier than other’s? I just want some reassurance that things will improve. I’m not looking for perfection. I need a reason to stay in the fight…….

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2018, 06:32:28 pm »

[Buddie]

[…], yes things do get better.

I had a miserable 3+ year long taper with a year of recovery afterwards, but I gradually got to feeling better. I got most of my clients back, can now drive, see friends etc. And I moved twice!! But it was a long road on which I despaired that things would never improve.

If you want advice, I’ll give it: find a couple of BBs who feel as you do, but who are making progress and hang with them. It was my BB friends who helped me along through my ordeal. We cheered each other on, gave each other shoulders to cry on. One of my “gang” formed the Working Thread (because we all had to go to work) and we interacted there. It was very comforting.

Another great comfort to me was my therapist. She knew nothing about benzo w/d, but I educated her. She was always there for me. Alas, my partner not so much. I think we “wear out” those closest to us.

So those are two things that got me through my taper: BB friends and my wonderful therapist. A group that “gets it” . . . and one person who knows you inside and out and can be your “rock”.

Hope this helps you,

[…]

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2018, 07:38:24 pm »

[Buddie]

Thank you for the suggestions. I appreciate your taking the time to reply. Wishing You Speedy Healing

Re: Reassurance PLEASE……😢
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2018, 07:39:01 pm »

[Buddie]

Your reason to stay in the fight is for your beautiful children and your elderly parents and for you because you are worth it. I believe with all my heart that you will get better over time. I have read how so many others have recovered and you will too. Like the other poster said, find someone similar to your situation and encourage one another. I will continue to pray until you get a break through.

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2018, 07:51:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on July 08, 2018, 07:39:01 pm
Your reason to stay in the fight is for your beautiful children and your elderly parents and for you because you are worth it. I believe with all my heart that you will get better over time. I have read how so many others have recovered and you will too. Like the other poster said, find someone similar to your situation and encourage one another. I will continue to pray until you get a break through.

[…],
Thank you….. Thank you……

Haven’t found anyone similar to my situation. I’m pretty severe.
My children….I Love Them So Much.

Thank you for your prayers. You will me in mine, as well.
Thank you…..

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2018, 08:34:13 pm »

[Buddie]

[…], you DID meet someone who was possibly WORSE than you!!! ME. I think you read my Success Story so you should have an idea that this is the truth.
Here is another truth: We ALL think we are the worst off! That is just human nature.

Okay. YES you will feel better. No one knows (yet) why some people have it so rough and have it last so long. But it does happen. I didnt truly feel “normal” until my 4th year.

Going through this was the hardest thing I have ever done. Without a doubt. But getting through it made me such a better person! I now know that I AM truly strong. I learned a lot along the way as well. I learned how to go to sleep normally. I learned how to deal with any anxiety I had and in all truth, I have little to no anxiety now. Just “jitters” when I start a new job, or do something new. Normal anxiety. I learned what caused my awful symptoms, and knowing that helped me immensely!

[…]. You sound like an intelligent person. I personally think that makes it a bit harder, because we KNOW too much! But being smart is also such a blessing as it will allow you to start educating yourself about all of this. And it truly is key to have a basic understanding of WHY you have these awful symptoms. The human brain is very intricate and complicated, but basically, all it is is a bunch of different chemicals that perform certain functions. Our brains do control everything about us. Benzos temporarily mess up all those chemicals. In a huge way. And then, when you take away the benzos, all hell breaks loose. Those chemicals are going to go up and down and cause crazy symptoms until they do finally get back to normal. And they will, given enough time.

I urge you to stay the course. If I can do it, you can, because I am NOT SuperWoman! LOL! Hardly. I am a 68 year old lady with a long and hard history of abusing various substances. Benzos were my downfall. Taking benzos was the dumbest thing I ever did, but getting OFF benzos was the best thing I have ever done. Amen!

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2018, 09:58:27 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on July 08, 2018, 08:34:13 pm
[…], you DID meet someone who was possibly WORSE than you!!! ME. I think you read my Success Story so you should have an idea that this is the truth.
Here is another truth: We ALL think we are the worst off! That is just human nature.

Okay. YES you will feel better. No one knows (yet) why some people have it so rough and have it last so long. But it does happen. I didnt truly feel “normal” until my 4th year.

Going through this was the hardest thing I have ever done. Without a doubt. But getting through it made me such a better person! I now know that I AM truly strong. I learned a lot along the way as well. I learned how to go to sleep normally. I learned how to deal with any anxiety I had and in all truth, I have little to no anxiety now. Just “jitters” when I start a new job, or do something new. Normal anxiety. I learned what caused my awful symptoms, and knowing that helped me immensely!

[…]. You sound like an intelligent person. I personally think that makes it a bit harder, because we KNOW too much! But being smart is also such a blessing as it will allow you to start educating yourself about all of this. And it truly is key to have a basic understanding of WHY you have these awful symptoms. The human brain is very intricate and complicated, but basically, all it is is a bunch of different chemicals that perform certain functions. Our brains do control everything about us. Benzos temporarily mess up all those chemicals. In a huge way. And then, when you take away the benzos, all hell breaks loose. Those chemicals are going to go up and down and cause crazy symptoms until they do finally get back to normal. And they will, given enough time.

I urge you to stay the course. If I can do it, you can, because I am NOT SuperWoman! LOL! Hardly. I am a 68 year old lady with a long and hard history of abusing various substances. Benzos were my downfall. Taking benzos was the dumbest thing I ever did, but getting OFF benzos was the best thing I have ever done. Amen!

[…],
Read your Success story a couple times. I just watch this weird brain stuff going on in my head would stop. Can cope with the rest. But, the brain stuff is so hard. Feels like fireworks and a LSD trip all at the same time.

Trying to accept all this intense stuff…. If I had truly been intelligent I would have NEVER taken a Benzo.

Thank you for your constant support, and encouragement. It means so much…. Thank You….

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2018, 01:13:01 pm »

[Buddie]

After 25 years, I did a CT. My husband died. Then, a reinstallation, with Xanax and sleeping pills. CT- again. I have been in a dark room, with hallucinations, until month 23. Have I had worse, than others? No. Everyone, lives in their own little hell, in their own way. There is no scale, on who has the most difficult. My best, and closest word, is Respect. If I wrote, that my symptoms were the worst, I would not have it. It is very difficult, for all of us. Right? :)
« Last Edit: July 09, 2018, 01:24:58 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2018, 01:54:50 pm »

[Buddie]

Hey […], sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time.
I’m feeling much the same at the moment… Feel free to reach out as I completely get the
Strain on family (I’m living with my parents who practically have to look after me) and I’m not even close to jumping… But we can do this 👊🏼

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2018, 03:29:49 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on July 09, 2018, 01:13:01 pm
After 25 years, I did a CT. My husband died. Then, a reinstallation, with Xanax and sleeping pills. CT- again. I have been in a dark room, with hallucinations, until month 23. Have I had worse, than others? No. Everyone, lives in their own little hell, in their own way. There is no scale, on who has the most difficult. My best, and closest word, is Respect. If I wrote, that my symptoms were the worst, I would not have it. It is very difficult, for all of us. Right? :)

[…],
Not sure what you mean by your comment. I will respond how I think you meant it.
It was suggested to me to find a B.B. with symptoms similar to mine. I have yet to find anyone with symptoms similar to the severity of mine. None of us has fully shared every little thing they have experienced in this journey. I know MY truth and MY experience and have not read anything that closely resembles my journey. Certain general aspects yes, many other aspects no. To have it suggested to me that I don’t have RESPECT I find truly offensive. This forum, I thought was a place to lend support. I reached out for that support. Not to be kicked when I’m down. RESPECT is a word that maybe you should look at the definition. If you can’t help a fellow BB then don’t post anything.

Re: Reassurance PLEASE......😢
« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2018, 09:05:14 pm »

[Buddie]

[…], get a grip, please. You are pushing yourself into thinking you are so different from others here, worse, THE WORST, etc. And that is a total lie you are telling yourself. That lie will not help you, it will hinder your recovery.

You are NOT the worst off here. I have heard that so many times now it is a bit funny. When I was a Moderator here, we had several people similar to you, (and me-) people who truly thought they were the worst case ever. (And that includes me, because for a fairly long time, I thought I was the worst one here! And who knows, maybe I WAS!) But in the end, none of this really matters. What does matter is how much effort you put into helping yourself, by remaining positive, by learning as much as you can, and by trying to help someone OTHER than yourself.

I disagree with your feeling that most people dont try to tell the truth here. I did, on my Blog and Success Story. I attempted to describe the utter hell I lived in. I DID avoid yakking about it on this part of the forum, the Cold Turkey Dept.. I knew that I should fake it here, and tell the real truth “privately.” This strategy worked very well for me. I did not lie here, but I did avoid talking about how awful I felt, EXCEPT on my Blog and finally, in my Success Story. I think you know how difficult it is to explain these symptoms. It is beyond belief what some of us go through. Nothing prepared me for the hundreds of symptoms I had. It came as an enormous shock to this old Nurse.

You will get through this. Time is on your side, because the brain always tries to heal itself and almost always, it does.

Doctor-hating Benzo Buddies member forces friend fighting cancer to not take life-saving medication

Saved a buddy from a potential long agony.
« on: June 13, 2018, 02:30:12 pm »

[Buddie]

Got a call from a good friend. He’s been fighting cancer for sometime now and is taking 8 different meds a day. The whole process is really starting to make him feel bad. Boy when his doctor heard that he wasted no time scratching out a double script for kolonapin and Zoloft. As if the poor guy ain’t got enough problems already to deal with. He called me and asked what poisons messed me all up and when I told him he fired both meds in the garbage. He never took any thank god. It makes me so angry that these doctors push this crap without a second thought. All he said is that he felt bad about his health situation and that statement earn him 2 poisons that would of destroyed him.

Re: Saved a buddy from a potential long agony.
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2018, 02:32:14 pm »

[Buddie]

yup. 90% of the medical system is a money making scam. there is some limited good stuff, if you break a bone and those type of things. but staying away from chemicals is the key to good health.

Re: Saved a buddy from a potential long agony.
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2018, 03:28:45 pm »

[Buddie]

my hat is off to you for saving your friend from futher agony. these doctors these days shell this poison out like candy. they should be held accountable for this. keep up the good work!

Re: Saved a buddy from a potential long agony.
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2018, 03:55:57 pm »

[Buddie]

Good job. I had a friend recently also turn down ADs because she thought of me and my suffering, and then said, “No.”.

Re: Saved a buddy from a potential long agony.
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2018, 03:57:54 pm »

[Buddie]

I think they use it as a gateway drug to get you on other meds $$$$$$$$ I will keep informing as many as I can for the rest of my life to help others not have to go through the hell we here on BB have and are. I did email a local tv station a while back about this benzo situation but I never heard anything from them. They seem to only want to run stories about pain meds. Benzos are 20 times worse. I’ll keep fighting.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 04:33:46 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Saved a buddy from a potential long agony.
« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2018, 06:11:02 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m 5 months out of C/T (uninformed) Klonopin. Horrible withdrawal experiences. I moved to a new town and got a new PCP. On my new history chart I wrote I was allergic to any and all antidepressants and benzos. The nurse reviewing my chart laughed when she read this. She said “You’re allergic…I can’t make it through the day without mine!” What kind of message is this sending out to us poor unsuspecting patients that unknowingly blindly trust these so called medical professionals?

Re: Saved a buddy from a potential long agony.
« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2018, 06:25:55 pm »

[Buddie]

I wish that my daughter would listen to me and take my wonderful grand daughter off the A.Ds and benzos that her Dr / Therapist prescribed. It breaks my heart that my clueless daughter would rather believe an unthinking and careless professional than her mother . By not listening to me she discounts all the evidence, knowledge and heartbreak that my recovery has brought to our family. I have given her access to all the information that is out there and nothing has helped change her mind. Gracie is seventeen and cannot make her own choices. All I can do is be there for her if the worst happens .

Re: Saved a buddy from a potential long agony.
« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2018, 06:37:08 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on June 13, 2018, 06:25:55 pm
I wish that my daughter would listen to me and take my wonderful grand daughter off the A.Ds and benzos that her Dr / Therapist prescribed. It breaks my heart that my clueless daughter would rather believe an unthinking and careless professional than her mother . By not listening to me she discounts all the evidence, knowledge and heartbreak that my recovery has brought to our family. I have given her access to all the information that is out there and nothing has helped change her mind. Gracie is seventeen and cannot make her own choices. All I can do is be there for her if the worst happens .

Oh […], that would drive me nuts! :tickedoff: I get really mad when I hear about children being drugged. I definitely sympathize with you.