SHOCKING CULT DEPRAVITY

“My hand picked up raw meat from the counter and tried to put it in my mouth… my brain was telling me to eat non-edible objects”

binge eating
« on: September 18, 2018, 01:49:36 am »

[Buddie]

While I was on benzos, I ate a lot. It was another way to cope with stress. (Along with alcohol and isolation). During my w/d alone I lost 20 pounds. I’m 26 days benzo free now and my really difficult mental sxs are starting to go away. Within the past week however, I have been overeating including binge eating. I did have a difficult social engagement on Saturday that I’m recovering from. Have my mental sxs shifted to behavioral coping like bingeing? I’ve also been hiding and hoarding food and eating alone. I’m grateful I’m not dealing with the really difficult thoughts as much but the overeating behaviors are really not healthy. Anybody else experience overeating post w/d? Is it a part of coping? A sign that I continue to heal? I feel if I restrict, the negative thoughts will come back. It’s hard for me to moderate. Thanks for your shares and thoughts

Re: binge eating
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2018, 01:57:05 am »

[Buddie]

Yeah. I lost over 30 pounds (~14kg) from my acute, and when my stomach recovered and I could eat again I managed to put all of it back on in about three months.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2018, 02:09:42 am »

[Buddie]

Thanks for posting, […]. Did you binge eat? Why am I bingeing? I know I’m doing it and I know it’s unhealthy. I’m obese. I don’t need to put it back on. I want to get my healthy weight back that I had before I started any of these f’ing psych meds.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2018, 12:16:48 pm »

[Buddie]

I have constant obsessional craving to binge every moment I am awake. I have been fighting it since end of last year.

It got so bad when I was off completely my brain was telling me to eat non-edible objects, my hand picked up raw meat from the counter and tried to put it in my mouth.

I crave sugar and carbs which I never did prior to this.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2018, 02:02:34 pm »

[Buddie]

It’s like when illicit drug addicts gain weight – new “sober” sensations make things different. Food tastes amazing to me. It’s normal but needs to be controlled. A tip I have is drinking water with red cider vinegar – helps fill you up.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2018, 03:39:28 pm »

[Buddie]

I haven’t experienced this YET in withdrawal, but I can certainly identify with the binge eating when I was still on kpin. I too lost quite a bit of weight when I jumped. I don’t know the answer now, but just wanted you to know I understand am right there with you! Hang in there.

Quote from: [Buddie] on September 18, 2018, 01:49:36 am
While I was on benzos, I ate a lot. It was another way to cope with stress. (Along with alcohol and isolation). During my w/d alone I lost 20 pounds. I’m 26 days benzo free now and my really difficult mental sxs are starting to go away. Within the past week however, I have been overeating including binge eating. I did have a difficult social engagement on Saturday that I’m recovering from. Have my mental sxs shifted to behavioral coping like bingeing? I’ve also been hiding and hoarding food and eating alone. I’m grateful I’m not dealing with the really difficult thoughts as much but the overeating behaviors are really not healthy. Anybody else experience overeating post w/d? Is it a part of coping? A sign that I continue to heal? I feel if I restrict, the negative thoughts will come back. It’s hard for me to moderate. Thanks for your shares and thoughts.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2018, 03:40:56 pm »

[Buddie]

Yes! Food tastes SO much better to me now! Love the cider vinegar tip. Thank you.

Quote from: [Buddie] on September 18, 2018, 02:02:34 pm
It’s like when illicit drug addicts gain weight – new “sober” sensations make things different. Food tastes amazing to me. It’s normal but needs to be controlled. A tip I have is drinking water with red cider vinegar – helps fill you up.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2018, 04:29:11 pm »

[Buddie]

I can’t taste or feel anything in my mouth properly.

Sometimes things taste rotten and disgusting.

Gratitude for psychiatry

Benzo Buddies alcohol experiment

5 months. Alcohol experiment.
« on: April 28, 2018, 01:20:38 pm »

[Buddie]

I am 5 months off of 1mg Klonopin after 6 years of daily, as-prescribed use. It should be noted that I wasn’t well-educated about benzo withdrawal until after I jumped, so my taper was pretty fast in retrospect (0.25mg cuts every 1-2 months).

Aside from anxiety/anger, muscle tension and episodic bouts of lethargy, I’ve been in a pretty good place since the start of month 4.

I know it’s frowned upon, but I’ve been having ONE beer every two months or so to see how I react. In my mind, this is the way to tell if/when I’ve completely healed (when I no longer experience negative effects from a single drink). I’ve never been big on alcohol, so I’m not worried about trading one dependence for another or anything like that.

Anyway… Here’s my latest report.

4/27/18
16oz Coors Light at dinner
(I drank it pretty quick and didn’t nurse it)

Tinnitus (only lasted about an hour) 1/10
Muscle tension 6/10 (worse when asleep)
Sleep sweats 3/10 (not as bad as previous times)
Flatulence 5/10 (still not as bad as previous times)
Neuro weirdness (Eyes darting around/coordination issues/brain zaps 5/10 (not as bad as previous times)
Anxiety 3/10 (mindfulness that this will pass and is par for the course helps- no outright panic)
Overall lethargy 5/10

I’d like to point out that the weird “burning” sensation in my legs has completely gone away after having a drink, so that’s exciting.

I definitely feel “hungover,” but nothing crazy. I do know that sometimes a few of the effects lag and don’t show until a solid 24 hours later, so we’ll see what tonight brings, I suppose.

Does anyone else occasionally try this method? At first I was strictly no alcohol at all, but… I’m angry. I’m done. I want normalcy returned to my life. And dammit, I will get there. :P

***I don’t recommend this method to anyone. This is my own experiment but surely I can’t be the only one.***

Re: 5 months. Alcohol experiment.
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2018, 01:35:26 pm »

[Buddie]

5 months off and feeling pretty good, you are lucky!!!

Re: 5 months. Alcohol experiment.
« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2018, 02:03:42 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on April 28, 2018, 01:35:26 pm
5 months off and feeling pretty good, you are lucky!!!

Thanks! Yeah, I really am. Especially considering I tried CTing about 3 years back. I only lasted maybe 3-4 days before reinstating at full dose because I turned into a monster. It was bad. I have tremendous support from my husband and friends, which has been so helpful.

I try to keep a positive outlook, because I refuse to be beaten by this.

Swift healing to you!

Re: 5 months. Alcohol experiment.
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2018, 08:37:38 am »

[Buddie]

let us know how it goes, I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine since new years. But I had a glass each time over 4 5 hours haha still too scared to drink how I used to. I’m sure we’ll get there we just need time unfortunately.

Re: 5 months. Alcohol experiment.
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2018, 04:42:38 pm »

[Buddie]

Alcohol is called liquid Benzo in this trip. Chose for yourself. You’ll heal faster without it.

Re: 5 months. Alcohol experiment.
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2018, 06:41:33 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on April 29, 2018, 04:42:38 pm
Alcohol is called liquid Benzo in this trip. Chose for yourself. You’ll heal faster without it.

Some truth to this, although I’ve never heard it called liquid benzo. They both affect the same receptors (GABAa), which may be why the burning went away after a drink.

Even at six years off I rarely drink, but when I do I limit it to 1/2 glass of wine as alcohol has led to borderline panic a few hours later, and I am normally never panicky.

Re: 5 months. Alcohol experiment.
« Reply #6 on: April 29, 2018, 06:49:27 pm »

[Buddie]

I’ve never been a big drinker and I didn’t have an alcoholic drink until I was sure I was healed. I didn’t want to do anything to derail the slow progress I had towards recovery. Once healed I’ve been able to enjoy a glass of wine or a margarita on occasion. I don’t feel any negative effects from the drink. I am a one and done kind of person, no refills for me.

[…]

Re: 5 months. Alcohol experiment.
« Reply #7 on: April 29, 2018, 10:10:25 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m personally too scared to go near alcohol, I’ve heard too many horror stories of it ramping up people’s symptoms and I feel bad enough as it is. I would be careful with your experiment, tolerating alcohol is not the best litmus test for healing. If you have a bad reaction I would wait a good while to test the waters again.

Re: 5 months. Alcohol experiment.
« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2018, 10:12:53 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote
Once healed I’ve been able to enjoy a glass of wine or a margarita on occasion

Me, too. I have a (small) glass of wine maybe twice a week with dinner. No problems.

Re: 5 months. Alcohol experiment.
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2018, 12:42:39 pm »

[Buddie]

I am scared to even use rubbing alcohol on my skin.

Ashton worshippers replace benzo addiction with food addiction, pile on the pounds

Can't stop eating
« on: March 06, 2018, 12:17:44 pm »

[Buddie]

My brain is telling me to every minute of every day.

It is not like hunger but a sort of panic stricken compulsion that I am unable to ignore. I can’t get any control over it.

I am gaining weight fast.

I don’t know what to do.

I have never experienced anything like it. I lost half my body weight a couple of years ago and don’t want to be fat again.

I think it is tied to my being completely unable to feel any senstion from inside my body including feeling full.

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2018, 02:49:32 am »

[Buddie]

I went through a similar phase. I ended up gaining a fair amount of weight which I then had to work back off. And like you, I had lost a bunch of weight (102 pounds) the year before I withdrew.

Maybe go for a nice long walk (without taking any food). Or make sure all the food around the house takes a good hour or more to prepare (no ready-to-eat foods or snacks laying around).

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2018, 03:24:15 am »

[Buddie]

I understand what you mean when you say you can’t feel sensations on the inside of your body.

For awhile I was so numb internally I wondered if my heart was still beating. I would have thoughts that would make meme panic mentally but I couldn’t feel any physical response. My body felt dead.

I wonder if your hunger signals are simply misfiring and miscommunicating too. Hunger (or lack thereof) is signalled by various hormones like leptin and ghrellin. I would say that amidst the chaos of benzo withdrawal, the signal to release those appropriately has been temporarily affected.

It could also be that your body is under a lot of stress and is working very hard so is interpreting the need for excess energy.

I would focus on physical exercise where you can. In terms of eating, all you can do right now is try make healthy balanced food choices. Think protein and fibre every meal to try keep your GI low. That should aid satiety and feelings of fullness. And then try and eat as frequently and as much as you know to be healthy for your body. If you logically know you’ve had enough, then perhaps try distraction (although I know how hard this is.

Overall, don’t beat yourself up. You can only do your best. Once you have recovered you can focus on the weight aspect if you still find that to be an issue

:smitten:

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2018, 07:49:49 am »

[Buddie]

Don’t let the weight issue get out of hand. It’ll be hard to comeback later, no matter what they tell you. Eat healthy, and above all, exert control.

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2018, 12:56:41 pm »

[Buddie]

You know I am going through something similar… the absence of internal sensations, an undiscript urge which feels like an urge to eat. It is confusing and harrowing… especially when you had already worked so hard to get back into shape!…

Do what you can. This is withdrawal… but don’t let go either. Don’t beat yourself up, is what I mean, and try to stay as healthy as you can – but know that this is not the way it will always be.

So I agree with not keeping snacks around, or if there are any, no more than what would feel like a decent portion, something “healthy”… nutrients which will help you function and heal.

Do you cook? Do you share meals with family? Try new recipes, take time to prepare and plate nicely… that could help you think of food differently…?

Brush your teeth after eating… you might feel less tempted to reach for the fridge again…

Plan your meals and snacks, that way you may be able to bargain with yourself…

Exercise and relaxation should also benefit you – especially if like me, you feel a weird “urge”. And any distraction, anything you enjoy…

Not sure whether that is advisable… I chew gum. Yes, full of yucky stuff but it helps with the “urge”… looking forward to being able to give that nasty habit up!!…

And tell yourself that you are healing. That things will get better… because they will. No matter what you believe right now!

Hugs  :smitten:
[…] xx

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2018, 04:21:30 pm »

[Buddie]

I am not able to exercise much due to ME/CFS.

I had managed to get my exercise up while tapering but I think I pushed itto much and have made ME/CFS worse as well as withdrawal stuff.

I am mainly housebound.

I can’t explain the eating thing – it does not feel like a normal craving. It feels qualitively different and related to the hypersalivation and neck/jaw tightness that makes my body feel like it is chewing all the time I am awake – like the signals are all messed up.

Also the feel and taste of food is all wrong in my mouth.

The lack of sensation applies to my sense of touch as well – my body feels like it is made of something inert like plastic and the world feels too insubstantial. I manage to forget about it sometimes and then I rub my face or something and the full horror of it returns.

I think I need to talk to the neurologist again.

Before withdrawl I had a very small appetite and ate a paleo style diet. I mainly had one meal a day.

Cult screwball tries GABA supplement, flips out, begs Ashton’s forgiveness

word of caution
« on: March 07, 2018, 08:23:12 pm »

[Buddie]

please do not move this post to the supplement section as I think it’s something everyone needs to see

i am going to be taking a break from BB for a little while due to lots of travel but wanted to post something – i am 9 months out now and had been doing amazing – then – in a frustrated moment with sleep – i decided to try – literally – a 1/2 capsule of GABA – i had used it years ago before z drugs, i had carefully carefully avoided all GABA impacting things until then – well – for 72 hours – i went back into acute – severe severe withdrawal – absolutely terrifying – no sleep in those 72 hours – my heart rate that had been back in the 60s went back to 100 – severe muscle pain, constant chemical induced panic – not anxiety – panic. so – for those of you who have been dabbling with GABA supplements thinking they will ease the burden of withdrawal – this experience showed me that – it is indeed true what the ashton manual says– that anything acting on GABA really isnt helping you but delaying or preventing healing…… withdrawal is horrible – and its just something you have to get through – i really believe that anything acting on GABA is going to hinder or prevent healing – so carefully research what you take – things like holy basil, ashwagandha, relora, passionflower, CBD – they all hit the GABA receptors. if you find you aren’t getting better – this may be why.

thankfully after 72 hours everything went back to normal and i learned a very valuable lesson. i suspect alcohol would have this same effect so will continue to abstain for a good long while – not worth the terror of what i went through in those 72 hours wondering if i had totally reset the clock back to zero… looking forward to my vacation in the sun and then lots of work travel – i am grateful to have reclaimed my life and will never risk my recovery again. I accept sleep will be up and down a while longer!