Cult member turns to alcohol to feel normal after benzo taper fails

Where to live? Dilema
« on: May 07, 2019, 04:52:24 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi everyone,

I need to make a major life decision and whilst I have people who care for me trying to help I feel like the only people who can truly understand the factors involved in a decision like this are others who have gone through or are going through b.withdrawal. Therefore any comments on this would be hugely appreciated.

I’m due to move house next month but the area I want to move to is very expensive. The reason why I want to move there is because I have some friends and contacts there, and feel I’d be able to my life forward. Whilst going through withdrawal I’ve been making some extra income with art and illustration and think this city will facilitate being able to take that to a career-level. (Which is also amazing therapy). I have also been producing some music remotely with a guy who lives near there and if I moved closer we’d take the music to another level too. In a nutshell I feel like it’s the place to be to start getting myself back on my feet and feel some sense of ‘living’ and working again, even whilst still in recovery.

I’ve lived in numerous different cities and across two countries for work throughout my twenties but I turn 31 next week and I’d like to put some roots down – which this city feels right for.

One major thing is the fact that since being in withdrawal I have been relying on alcohol to feel ‘normal’ when going out and about. It’s not been regular, I’d say I’ve been housebound on average 5 days a week and then will have a couple of glasses of wine to meet up with family for example at the weekend – that kinda thing. It’s something I’m deeply ashamed of, although now I understand this was due to withdrawal. But, I know in order to make a full recovery I need to steer clear of it, maybe for a year and allow the brain to heal. That’s my goal. To do that living alone seems like the best option, rather than with a housemate. If I’m around people when I’m feeling particularly bad it’s too tempting sometimes to have some wine to ease the symptoms (otherwise literally the symptoms can get so bad people call for paramedics despite trying to suppress/stop them).

It seems the most realistically way to do this self-styled ‘rehab’ is to be in an environment that I can control. I’ve also had bad luck with housemates during my twenties where they’ve always turned out to be slightly nuts and I don’t think I can handle the stress of that again, especially at the moment.

However, the cost to rent a studio place is above what I can afford whilst relying on disability support (due to withdrawal). I’m two and half years into this and hopeful in a year or so I will recover and therefore be able to work again. So my friends and family are encouraging me to get something above my budget, even offering to help financially a little in the beginning and telling me to be positive that I’ll be able to work again soon. But, as we all know from BW it’s unpredictable and it’s one thing being positive I will be able to work again soon, it feels like another thing betting the roof over my head on it.

So here are the options I’ve come up with but I’m just going round in circles in my head trying to figure this out – hence reaching out on here.

Option one:
I rent something suitable for my health, slightly above my budget, accept some help from my father and work hard to get my art and design business off the ground to sustain the payments. Risk: fail to meet payments – have to move again.

Option two:
Share with someone. Cheaper but not ideal for a ‘rehab’ environment or lifestyle and probably not much space to grow the art business (I work quite large). Risk: using alcohol to keep up appearances / stressful situations with housemate/s – have to move out again.

Option three:
Rent a studio in a different part of the country. In my budget we’re looking at somewhere fairly rural/crappy city. Risk: feeling isolated / lack of opportunities and friends. Mental health could suffer.

My closest confident that I’ve known for ten plus years, who’s seen me go through this from day one, got frustrated with me for not being able to just pull myself together and got a full time job so I can afford a studio in this city. My Dad is encouraging me to ‘think positive’ and ‘take the adventurous risk’, but it’s exacerbating trying to explain that just getting through this is being positive, and that it’s a balance between being positive and being prepared for any worst case scenarios/risks.

I don’t think (understandably) anyone fully understands the mental and physical challenges that come with BW. There are days when I just feel I need to be alone to recharge, not putting on a brave face to housemates, and equally I want to be able to go out and do things that lift my spirits (meet gallery owners / record music) when I feel able to. NB – I find travelling challenging too at the moment (and currently don’t drive) so being within a short walking/cycling distance to a community feels pretty key.

I want to live in my own little safe space where I can recover at my own pace, sustainably without financial stress, in a community that encourages some socialisation and a brighter future. It just seems like I can have two of these things, not all three.

Any suggestions from anyone?
(Thank you)

SHOCKING CULT DEPRAVITY

“My hand picked up raw meat from the counter and tried to put it in my mouth… my brain was telling me to eat non-edible objects”

binge eating
« on: September 18, 2018, 01:49:36 am »

[Buddie]

While I was on benzos, I ate a lot. It was another way to cope with stress. (Along with alcohol and isolation). During my w/d alone I lost 20 pounds. I’m 26 days benzo free now and my really difficult mental sxs are starting to go away. Within the past week however, I have been overeating including binge eating. I did have a difficult social engagement on Saturday that I’m recovering from. Have my mental sxs shifted to behavioral coping like bingeing? I’ve also been hiding and hoarding food and eating alone. I’m grateful I’m not dealing with the really difficult thoughts as much but the overeating behaviors are really not healthy. Anybody else experience overeating post w/d? Is it a part of coping? A sign that I continue to heal? I feel if I restrict, the negative thoughts will come back. It’s hard for me to moderate. Thanks for your shares and thoughts

Re: binge eating
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2018, 01:57:05 am »

[Buddie]

Yeah. I lost over 30 pounds (~14kg) from my acute, and when my stomach recovered and I could eat again I managed to put all of it back on in about three months.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2018, 02:09:42 am »

[Buddie]

Thanks for posting, […]. Did you binge eat? Why am I bingeing? I know I’m doing it and I know it’s unhealthy. I’m obese. I don’t need to put it back on. I want to get my healthy weight back that I had before I started any of these f’ing psych meds.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2018, 12:16:48 pm »

[Buddie]

I have constant obsessional craving to binge every moment I am awake. I have been fighting it since end of last year.

It got so bad when I was off completely my brain was telling me to eat non-edible objects, my hand picked up raw meat from the counter and tried to put it in my mouth.

I crave sugar and carbs which I never did prior to this.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2018, 02:02:34 pm »

[Buddie]

It’s like when illicit drug addicts gain weight – new “sober” sensations make things different. Food tastes amazing to me. It’s normal but needs to be controlled. A tip I have is drinking water with red cider vinegar – helps fill you up.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2018, 03:39:28 pm »

[Buddie]

I haven’t experienced this YET in withdrawal, but I can certainly identify with the binge eating when I was still on kpin. I too lost quite a bit of weight when I jumped. I don’t know the answer now, but just wanted you to know I understand am right there with you! Hang in there.

Quote from: [Buddie] on September 18, 2018, 01:49:36 am
While I was on benzos, I ate a lot. It was another way to cope with stress. (Along with alcohol and isolation). During my w/d alone I lost 20 pounds. I’m 26 days benzo free now and my really difficult mental sxs are starting to go away. Within the past week however, I have been overeating including binge eating. I did have a difficult social engagement on Saturday that I’m recovering from. Have my mental sxs shifted to behavioral coping like bingeing? I’ve also been hiding and hoarding food and eating alone. I’m grateful I’m not dealing with the really difficult thoughts as much but the overeating behaviors are really not healthy. Anybody else experience overeating post w/d? Is it a part of coping? A sign that I continue to heal? I feel if I restrict, the negative thoughts will come back. It’s hard for me to moderate. Thanks for your shares and thoughts.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2018, 03:40:56 pm »

[Buddie]

Yes! Food tastes SO much better to me now! Love the cider vinegar tip. Thank you.

Quote from: [Buddie] on September 18, 2018, 02:02:34 pm
It’s like when illicit drug addicts gain weight – new “sober” sensations make things different. Food tastes amazing to me. It’s normal but needs to be controlled. A tip I have is drinking water with red cider vinegar – helps fill you up.

Re: binge eating
« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2018, 04:29:11 pm »

[Buddie]

I can’t taste or feel anything in my mouth properly.

Sometimes things taste rotten and disgusting.

Gratitude for psychiatry