TERROR AT TESCO

I went to TESCO today!
« on: January 02, 2018, 05:19:06 pm »

[Buddie]

In the car!! By myself!!!

I haven’t been able to go there to do any shopping at all for months and the whole ‘online shopping and getting someone to get bits and pieces in between’ has become so stressful I decided that was one of the first things I was going to try and do when I felt stronger.

Last night I had a better sleep and felt half-decent after lunch so decided to have a go.  I haven’t been able to drive on the main roads outwith the housing estate but thankfully TESCO is about 10-15 minutes away from the house but still within the estate.  However even if I get there, I can’t go in the normal way because there are traffic lights and I seem to freak out if I get ‘trapped’ anywhere like a queue or a busy roundabout or lights.  And then I figured out I could maybe park in the staff car park round the back which is reached via a side street before the main entrance to TESCO and means I don’t have to negotiate any traffic lights at all so that’s what I did today.  And then did a LOT of deep breathing in order to get out of the car and make it to the front entrance!

But make it I did.  I grabbed two filled rolls, two salads and 4 yoghurts, saw an empty checkout and tried not to hyperventilate going through it.  There was a Holland and Barrett shop in the same complex so I popped in there afterwards and got some papaya and pineapple as a snack treat then stopped at the cash machine on the way back to the car to get money out as well.  Three things I would have had to ask someone to do for me normally.

And I discovered the other good thing about the staff car park is that it’s pretty quiet so I was able to give a whoop of delight when I got back to the car without any men in white coats appearing to take me somewhere padded :laugh:

And then I took the car for a 10 minute run which involved going onto one of the main roads which did produce a mild panic attack but I was able to calm myself down once I turned off into a side street.

Now that’s a big deal for me because whenever the panic has started before when I’ve done something like that, it’s always just got worse and worse and no amount of breathing exercises or calming strategies have worked in the slightest.  As you can imagine, being the driver in a car when that happens and still having to have a 20 minute journey to get back home makes that a frightening experience and results in eventual avoidance.  So the fact that I seem to now be able to become calmer while still IN the car says to me that my brain is very definitely healing and reduces the terrible fear factor somewhat.  Well it reduces it in theory ……  ;D

Once home, I popped the shopping in the fridge and took myself off for a walk to celebrate.  Possibly being the only human being on the streets, it being a very wet and windy afternoon but you know how it is – you feel better and you just want to do some ‘normal’ stuff for a change.

I was able to go much further away from the house than I normally do although timewise my walk was only 5 minutes longer than yesterday’s but it was much more of a WALK if you know what I mean.  Yesterday I was tootling around the lanes and paths very close to my house and eking out the walk to give me a decent time – today I was properly walking on the pavements at a good pace and being ‘normal’ tired rather than ‘scared’ tired.

Which of course means I am now knackered, feel terrible and could go off to bed right this minute!! :laugh:

Still it’s nice to put a tick (for a window) in the notebook where I’m keeping track of what I take and how I feel on a daily basis instead of a cross because there’s been somewhat of an abundance of crosses lately :-\

Good start to the year eh?

Benzo Buddies members terrorized into fearing tap water

Tap Water
« on: June 10, 2017, 07:03:32 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi,

Does anyone know if drinking tap water could be more harmful after benzo withdrawal? I don’t know if this is just my anxiety or if I should look into getting a water filter? I’m especially worried because I’m having issues with hydration right now where I feel constantly dehydrated so I’m drinking a lot. I’m not sure if it’s okay to be flooding my body with tap water day after day. Thanks!

Benzo Buddies destroys another life

How do you cope? **Don't read this if you are sensitive**
« on: March 01, 2017, 08:57:00 pm »

[Buddie]

I know everyone experiences this differently, but I am having the most horrendous depression that never ends. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on another hour. It just never ends… I feel like the whole time I was on Benzo’s (mostly for 1.5 years) I’ve been depressed and was just getting worse. But now that I’m off them, I’m not any better. It’s almost worse because I don’t have any options left except to try more antidepressants – I’ve tried over 12 in the past 2 years; 90% only tolerated for no more than a couple of days. I still have horrible depression and nothing is moving forward. I might get to the gym a few times a week but that’s basically my life. I spend days in my house; not going out or laying in my bed not sleeping… I don’t want to try anymore psychotropic medication but I don’t think I’m ever going to get any better without it. A big part of it is because I’m not working and just so bored without any inclination / motivation to do anything. But when you feel like sh*t all of the time, how do you get back to work / back to life? I don’t want to work just anywhere… that will make things worse for me I think. I just want to feel well enough to get back to at least half of what I was doing. I’m starting to believe that part of me has gotten so used to feeling like sh*t that my mind is just planning for the end. It’s like I don’t even want to try to survive this anymore. Does anyone feel this way? This is absolutely crazy! I feel like I’ve been so psychologically damaged by this whole experience (which started in Jan 2015 for the first time in my life) that I’m never going to get out. I have so much fear, anxiety, mental exhaustion, stress, worry, bad intrusive thoughts / major depression (which I also never had). Do I just go on suffering day after day? I mean my wife loves me but 2 years already of this crap and I haven’t been working for at least 3/4 of that. I’m not sure how long she’s going to be able to deal with this… no matter how much she cares about me. I used to be a very well paid sales executive and now klon. I feel like there’s no hope… and I’ve felt like that for 6 months now. I keep trying to do stuff (I just finished an insurance course for 2 weeks; got myself to class barely every day) but as soon as I have nothing in front of me, I’m done. Back to ultimate despair. I can’t distract; it’s cold where I live. My family comes and visits. I talk to one friend who knows what’s going on; all of my other friends are busy living their lives (I’m 42). I’m just in such a bad place. I can’t go to the hospital and be admitted to a psyche ward; that will really be the end of me. I already spent 2 months in a clinic for mood disorder (not knowing I was slowly being killed by Benzo’s)… and that just traumatized me beyond repair I think.

I can’t go on like this and wait it out… I’m alone all day while my wife is at work. I don’t even know if this is Benzo withdrawal or just major depression? I started taking Benzo’s first PRN and then I tried some AD’s and then I was placed on and off Klonipin with no small tapers.. so I just don’t know. That’s the worst, is not knowing.

Anyway, I’m just really messed up every day now with no hope. I’ve tried everything… I’m working with an ND in the UK (I live in Canada). He has some experience working with withdrawal but everything he wants to do is completely opposite to what’s suggested on this site. But I’m starting to think that not everyone is going to recover the same way. He is suggesting about 40 supplements per day to help with BDNF / brain regeneration, anxiety / stress control, and depression. I don’t even know if I can make it through the regiment he has planned for 6 weeks. That’s about as long as an AD will take though.

Whatever you do, don’t ever quit your job unless you absolutely have to. I made the mistake of making that decision when I was in inter-dose withdrawal and didn’t know it. I was also not grateful for what I had and thought that by eliminating that major stress, I would start to feel better. Things just spiralled downward from there. Now I’m paying the ultimate price.

Re: How do you cope? **Don't read this if you are sensitive**
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2017, 09:32:34 pm »

[Buddie]

Also, I’m sorry I haven’t really supported anyone here. I’m just in a really bad place and it’s tough to support other people when you feel like you are suffering every day. If I ever get well again, I will be back to help support those who need it. But for now, I’m just trying to stay alive… however dramatic that sounds.

Benzo Buddies ghouls gang up on addict who relapsed

The abuse goes on for ELEVEN pages! They later accused poor Timmy of being a troll and a hacker. That’s the kind of support an addict gets at Benzo Buddies – no support at all. 🙁

It's over for me. ...........i did it again
« on: September 13, 2016, 05:32:05 pm »

[Buddie]

I couldn’t handle the intense pain last night of my depression it was so excruciating that i swallowed 3 mg of klonipin. I know people in here have tried to help me but i can tell you today that i give up. I cannot handle this intense withdtawal and i think it’s from kindling. If i can be a poster boy of what not to do, please learn from me.
Slowly taper and no rescue doses. I have the most severe depression thst i dont even think it helped. I just made another huge mistake and in sure it’s one il never recover from. I’m so sorry benzo buddies and in ashamed that im such a failure. I guess i couldn’t pull up my big boy pants. I’m leaving the site now and i don’t know what to do from here, but i obviously can’t handle this wirhdrawal. It’s way too much depression and chest pain. I’m out of answers and unfortunately you don’t get 2nd chances in life.

Re: It's over for me. ...........i did it again
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2016, 05:41:56 pm »

[Buddie]

<<yawn>>>

Re: It's over for me. ...........i did it again
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2016, 05:48:20 pm »

[Buddie]

So you either did not run out of all of them the other day, or you drove to the pharmacy in excruciating pain last night to get more. My feeling is you had them.You know I don’t really know what to say. Past experience for you has proved that reinstatements and rescue doses have done more harm than good for you. You have greatly regretted each time you have done so. Do you expect if to me different this time around. Your right, kindling has probably caused your withdrawal to be worse. I don’t know what your future plans are for Klonopin, but reaching tolerance quickly would not be out of the question for someone who has kindled. Is you plan to just keeping up your dose over time time you reach tolerance? I don’t know timmy. I think you should have tried to hang on a bit longer.

Re: It's over for me. ...........i did it again
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2016, 05:53:44 pm »

[Buddie]

Good grief, Timmy. I think you need to step back from all this and ask yourself some tough questions as there is obviously a lot more going on here than just withdrawing from benzos.

It’s been suggested, many times, that you have a plan in place for the time when w/d becomes too overwhelming for you. Have you done that? Simply posting on this forum after you’ve reinstated/changed meds/added new meds/reduce dosed does NOT constitute a plan.

Furthermore, you are both right and wrong in regards to not getting second chances in life. We actually don’t just get second chances….we get third, fourth, fifth, etc. The key to this however, is the ability to adapt, or change or accept your circumstances….something that you are indeed struggling with.

You’ve been on this forum long enough to know that benzos cause depression, so the fact that you continue to take them FOR depression is bewildering. Of course it didn’t help.

If you’re depressed, it would likely be in your best interest to start some intensive therapy, continue your long walks, get some sunshine and eat properly.

Re: It's over for me. ...........i did it again
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2016, 05:58:12 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on September 13, 2016, 05:53:44 pm
Good grief, Timmy. I think you need to step back from all this and ask yourself some tough questions as there is obviously a lot more going on here than just withdrawing from benzos.

It’s been suggested, many times, that you have a plan in place for the time when w/d becomes too overwhelming for you. Have you done that? Simply posting on this forum after you’ve reinstated/changed meds/added new meds/reduce dosed does NOT constitute a plan.

Furthermore, you are both right and wrong in regards to not getting second chances in life. We actually don’t just get second chances….we get third, fourth, fifth, etc. The key to this however, is the ability to adapt, or change or accept your circumstances….something that you are indeed struggling with.

You’ve been on this forum long enough to know that benzos cause depression, so the fact that you continue to take them FOR depression is bewildering. Of course it didn’t help.

If you’re depressed, it would likely be in your best interest to start some intensive therapy, continue your long walks, get some sunshine and eat properly.

The mental pain and anguish last night was just too much. I literally felt like my life was on the line. Worse is a friend gave them to me and now im totally out. This is really goung to kill me. I know il get flamed but the mental torture from kindling is so bad i had zero choice in my mind. I’m throwing in the towel. I am not capable of this obviously.

edit: fixed quotes
« Last Edit: September 13, 2016, 06:36:45 pm by [Buddie] »