Shocking story of woman who spent 50 years on benzos

After 50 years (yes, really, 50 years) I am benzo free x 2 months
« on: March 02, 2018, 03:07:19 pm »

[Buddie]

Greetings everyone,

I’m posting this to give others hope. One of the things I needed most during my interminably l-o-n-g taper, was HOPE. I’m in a category of VERY long time benzo users who started taking the various benzo meds as a child for seizure disorder and I was “cold turkeyed” numerous times without anyone seeming to know what was going on with withdrawal symptoms so when symptoms from withdrawal got bad, they would simply put me back on the benzos — often at an even higher dose. There just is no data or comparison available for someone in my situation so neither I, nor my docs, nor even my pharmacology specialist, has had any idea of what to expect. I realize I am very early days yet and I keep wondering if symptoms are going to come crashing down on me, but after the first two months completely off, things are starting to feel better. I definitely have symptoms and I am concerned, at my old age and with my long term use, about permanent neurological damage, but I am managing day to day and starting to feel better.

I did a long, slow taper starting with the Ashton protocol for a cross over from Lorazepam to Diazepam, then went to liquid micro-tapering for about a year and a half, then ended the last 2 mg of Valium with dry tapering the pills by cutting them into small pieces and and taking rather long holds between the cuts. During the taper I was able to work part-time, travel overseas, move households to another state, travel frequently to another state to help care for my elderly parents, organize a wedding for my daughter and managed to usually be a semi-functioning human being, although there were days, weeks and sometimes months when I was tremoring, in a brain fog, unable to sleep, felt like my head would explode, wearing dark glasses all day, walking with a cane and lying around the house with all the curtains closed fearing it would never end. I will post some of my symptoms, my coping mechanisms and my experiences in the board for those who have been “off benzos for two months or more” in case there is anything others might find helpful.

I was extremely fortunate to have excellent Medical, pharmacological and emotional support along with a stable income from a gainfully employed and incredibly supportive husband. AND, very critical, I had the same Medical Insurance as US senators, Congressmen and Federal Employees have access to. Everyone derseves the kind of help and support I have had and I cannot overemphasize the role that support has played in my being able to do this. I was also fortunate to have received plenty of help and support early on in my taper from all you wonderful folks here on BB. Without your knowledge, experience and encouragement, I wouldn’t have been able to tell my doctors what I needed to do to get better. For this, I am eternally, and deeply from the heart, grateful!

I had doctors, friends and family members tell me tapering off at my age was; “a huge mistake”, “not worth it” and “against medical advice”, and I have no idea what is in store for me long term, but I can honestly say again, with gratitude, excitement and hope, thanks to all the wonderful support, I DID IT AND I FEEL BETTER!!!

Don’t lose hope!

Best to everyone,

Mo
« Last Edit: March 02, 2018, 03:31:25 pm by [Buddie] »

Sad story of cult abuse

Leaving home
« on: February 19, 2018, 05:10:23 am »

[Buddie]

Hi guys have so much on my plate at the moment .they found white marks on my brain.did have a gambling problem but have banned from club’s.my toxic family I cannot deal with anymore who will not support me in anyway have been mental abusive and running me down too long now they have stressed me to the max all I wanted was love and support.i am finding it very difficult to function at all anymore so I’m selling my home waiting a month for health fund to kick in so I can go to private hospital for 4 to 5 months and get off last 10mg once and for all after 10 years.my only child whose 19 said mum I luv you but I don’t want to be around you anymore it broke my heart he said your not mum no more you dont want to clean do anything.ive go from a mortgage broker to a functioning mum who took pride in herself in my home and had friends to this debilati g mess.yes I know if I had support from family and others things could have been different but I am so broken and breaking down can’t go on like this anymore.i stayed in the area near my family for my son but can’t do this no more. .I have zilch support here but horrible family so now just waiting on results of brain please God nothing serious go and come off valium.i pray to God it’s not too late especially with the marks on my brain and breaking down.i am so fragile it’s not funny.it is disgusting and angers me that doctors can do so much damage too our lives lack of duty of care.i hope after news of tests and off the valium and alot of hardwork and forgetting my family I can start to go up the mountain.i truly feel there’s not much left of me as I feel like just a shell and distressed mind but there’s alittle hope in me that I will heal for me and my son and then the doctor’s and my family haven’t won.

Benzo Buddies doctor-bashers ridicule mentally ill member diagnosed with schizotypal disorder

Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« on: December 29, 2017, 03:39:11 am »

[Buddie]

I was diagnosed with schizotypal disorder today. That of course being my first sentence because holy crap really!!!! I am 13 months in and in shock to be honest. I almost feel relieved because finally there is a diagnosis but at the same time like what the heck. Holy crap it is nuts and what is even more nuts is that some days I am perfectly fine and great with other people, like nothing at all is wrong with me. I guess the question is what is right at this point, 13 months in. I cannot wait until this is over then I go through it and think, oh, maybe this is it?? Anyone have a similar experience.

Re: Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2017, 06:56:17 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on December 29, 2017, 03:39:11 am
I was diagnosed with schizotypal disorder today. That of course being my first sentence because holy crap really!!!! I am 13 months in and in shock to be honest. I almost feel relieved because finally there is a diagnosis but at the same time like what the heck. Holy crap it is nuts and what is even more nuts is that some days I am perfectly fine and great with other people, like nothing at all is wrong with me. I guess the question is what is right at this point, 13 months in. I cannot wait until this is over then I go through it and think, oh, maybe this is it?? Anyone have a similar experience.

Can you tell us what critical, empirical testing was done to confirm this “diagnosis”?

And do you believe it?

Re: Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2017, 09:02:17 pm »

[Buddie]

I read the wikipedia article about schizotypal disorder and I’m not convinced. This so-called disorder includes “unconventional beliefs” as a symptom, which seems very weird. At a certain point in time, psychiatrists started trying to classify everything as a disorder/disease so that other physicians would consider them as equals. The other day I read that they are trying to classify a disorder called “school refusal”. Can’t you just hate school or think the school system is crap without being considered mentally ill?!!

Re: Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2017, 10:46:30 pm »

[Buddie]

There are all kinds of words for all kinds of things.
Mostly they they explain nothing.
Words are not needed to steer through.

Re: Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2017, 04:02:49 am »

[Buddie]

Sounds like a shiney new term for Bipolar 1. I told my psych that  I am bipolar, and he didn’t believe me! So, I  had a phoney diagnosis for 15 years. These kind of things can make legal matters difficult, and can strip you of your own power. Please get a second opinion asap. Remember: a disease always needs a cure, meaning more pills. Research meds till your brain hurts. You will thank yourself in the end.  :thumbsup:

Re: Diagnosed with Schizotypal dissorder
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2018, 01:11:38 pm »

[Buddie]

I myself have had several strange diagnoses: schizophrenia, ALS, borrelia, fibromyalgia, etc. What are you doing, it’s just so crazy! But I do not believe in these diagnoses, for my part it’s only withdrawal.

Anti-psychiatry Benzo Buddies ghouls try to talk hallucinating addict out of seeking professional help

Considering Nursing Home care
« on: November 01, 2017, 11:34:47 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello everyone,

I have been through multiple withdrawals, almost on a monthly basis, over the past 5 years of being on klonopin. I made a huge mistake doing that, and I now know it. I was so frightened and terrified that I couldn’t even think straight. Even on the medication, I was in a lot of distress. I am now hardly able to take care of myself. I have lost almost all proprioception and can’t feel the muscles I’m tensing. This actually started possibly years ago. I am at a point where I have encountered near death experiences of being completely out of my body, much more than just dr/dp. I haven’t been able to let my body relax since my high anxiety took me into dr/dp 7 years ago (upon which I became frozen in my own body and couldn’t get help or info anywhere), 2 years before I was on meds. I am afraid to move or even think about most of my body and head. My sense of my body is constantly fluctuating. I have saucer sized pupils almost all day every day. When I look at them under light in the bathroom, they are constantly becoming huge then small. My mother has been taking care of me for the past 3 years, but she is getting older and I can’t put this on her anymore. I am only 31, but I am becoming severely disabled by this. If I even think about my body I feel pain. Over the years of repeated withdrawal, I have been mentally running away from what is happening to me more and more. The more I go on, the worse everything is getting. I am now having near-death compelete out of body experiences frequently. My nervous system is so wired that when I get up to do something, I am completely out of my body and can’t feel anything. When I sit down I start to feel all kinds of pain and horrible sensations. My proprioception is totally gone. My mouth feels sideways sometimes. Other times it starts to feel gigantic. And it is all I can really notice. Something is very wrong with me. I’ve done some kind of damage that I couldn’t feel because I’ve been outside of my body for years. I do have a feeling that I’m going to die, but it’s not a panicky one that I had 7 years ago when I entered dr/dp. This is an oddly calm acceptance.

So, I really think I need to be in a nursing home under medical care despite my age. I just contacted my doctor about it and I’m waiting for a reply. I know this seems crazy to everyone else in my life, but I know it’s what needs to be done in case something happens and to relieve the burden on my mother. I’m only getting worse and worse, and I have a feeling I’m on the verge of a serious occurrence that may threaten my life. I may even have to go back on klonopin just to stabilize. Just maybe there is a possibility I could do a supremely slow taper at some point in the distant future after I possibly correct the things that are physically wrong with me. To be honest, a lot of what I read here is what I experienced during my first or second year on the med. I feel like I unknowingly kindled myself dozens of times and found out all of this information I found way too late.

So, I guess my question is, what do you guys think? I’m losing my abilities to do anything even worse than before. I was hardly able to take care of myself the last few years on klonopin. I just sat in my chair hoping to distract myself at my computer. I had to leave grad school a year before I had my phd, and I pretty much became homebound then. I thought it was all just some mysterious thing that was destroying me and no one could figure it out. Now I know, but it’s too late. Do you think I will be able to do this? Do they have to have a definite diagnosis for me to be put in there? Please let me know anything you have to say about this.

Re: Considering Nursing Home care
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2017, 12:05:41 am »

[Buddie]

If you tell your doctor what you just wrote they won’t put you in a nursing home unfortunately, they’ll send you to a psych hospital. I know your feeling rough and guilty but you got to pull yourself together for your family. Vent all you want, it helps for sure but just know that you aren’t broken forever. This will end one day. You might have underlying issues as so I as well but this isn’t baseline if you weeent like this prior to the meds.

Sad story of cult abuse

Intro of the thetruthfairy1947
« on: February 07, 2016, 11:56:07 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi! I have discontinued taking 1 to 1.5mg of clonazepam (Klonopin). The psydoc I had me taper beginning in June 2015. I took my last dose in September. As soon as I begin to taper I began having problems: severe headaches and bothersome nausea. Later i began to collapse by falling down and injuring myself. I went from ER to ER around my home but no hospital would admit, not even to a psych unit. I finally spent 6 weeks in a geropsychiatric unit during October/November. I got home in November and proceeded to get psychotic (thought I had worms under my skin–I was hallucinating) I had fallen several times and finally went to the nearby ER because I knew I was too crazy to be on my own. I told them this at the ER but they didn’t like the sounds in my chest so gave me a chest X-ray and came in about an hour later and said I had collapsed lung and broken ribs and they were admitting me to intensive care. I spent 14 days in the hospital to get healed and then I was transferred to the nursing home where I have been since December 5, 2015. I no longer hallucinate but have fallen out of bed three times since I came here. I am lonesome and hope to chat with others who suffer this same fate.